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What is your best/worst Washington joke?

Updated 10:46 p.m.
We've looked at your D.C joke submissions, and here are four of the best:

A. If you dropped $400 on a client lunch, but spend $4.50 on a late dinner out of the office vending machine . . . you might be a Washington lawyer.

B. I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat.

C. Congress does two things well: nothing and over-react.

D. What's the difference between a congressman and a prostitute? There are some things a prostitute won't do for money.

Which one is your favorite?

----------------------------

Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates includes anti-Washington jokes in just about every speech he gives outside of D.C. Instead of asking you what you think of his jokes -- those who hear them often roll their eyes, but we're not judging here -- we want to know your favorite federal Washington joke. Post one in the comments, and later today, we'll feature the best and worst of your submissions.

If you need inspiration, here's a mashup of some typical Gates one-liners, produced by Sirius XM.

More:
The Secretary of stand-up

By Emi Kolawole  | September 17, 2010; 9:57 AM ET
Categories:  44 The Obama Presidency  
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Comments

Q: What is the most beloved animal in Washington, DC?

A: The Pander.

Posted by: sailhoward | September 20, 2010 10:02 AM | Report abuse

My next piece of work will be a non-fiction account of the Warren Comission Report. Woody Allen.

Posted by: jamesnic | September 20, 2010 8:38 AM | Report abuse

Illegal Immigrants do Essential Work in the United States:::

The next time you eat in a restaurant take a look into the kitchen/food preparation areas.
Who is that food handler coughing into the food he is preparing for a customer?
Look at the hands; what is that brown stuff under those fingernails?
Can these employees read the "wash hands" signs in the restrooms?
If you look at the right moment you will see the drippings from that food server's nose falling into
the food he is serving (yours?)
Did these employees go through the routine health and disease screenings for TB, HIV, hepatitis, and a few other exotic diseases that can be passed along to you and your family?
These poor employees doing this essential work might not be illegal immigrants; they may just be nasty people.
Bon appetite.

Posted by: NocheGarcia | September 19, 2010 9:02 PM | Report abuse

E. What's the difference between the papparazzi and the Washington Press corp?

the papparazzi are classier.

Posted by: tedri50 | September 19, 2010 6:52 PM | Report abuse

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

oldie but goodie.......Mark Twain late 1800s

Posted by: m_richert | September 18, 2010 11:21 PM | Report abuse

The best and worst Washington joke is one in the same.

George W. Bush

Posted by: Craightond | September 18, 2010 12:31 PM | Report abuse

Father - Son, don't be a crackhead. They never amount to anything.
Son - Well, I could become Mayor of DC.
Chris Rock

Posted by: tendcpl | September 18, 2010 11:24 AM | Report abuse

Famous Korean lobbyist, Rock Creek Park

Posted by: MichaelP321 | September 18, 2010 11:14 AM | Report abuse

Favorite joke?

OBowMa.

Posted by: segeny | September 18, 2010 10:46 AM | Report abuse

Washington is about the only place where R&D have the exact opposite meaning of Research and Development.

Posted by: glenglish | September 18, 2010 10:44 AM | Report abuse

If "pro" is the opposite of "con," then what is the opposite of Progress?

Posted by: tomguy1 | September 18, 2010 10:16 AM | Report abuse

Q:
So why wouldn't Moses talk to "George W"
when he ran into him?

A:
Because the last time he spoke to
a "Bush" he was wandering in the
wilderness for 40 years.

Posted by: michaelacarlucci | September 18, 2010 9:59 AM | Report abuse

Q: What is the difference between Socialist Elect Comrade obama (sic) and the Almighty God of the Universe?

A: The Almighty God of the Universe knows He's not Socialist Elect Comrade obama (sic).

M. Carlucci

Posted by: michaelacarlucci | September 18, 2010 9:51 AM | Report abuse

What to you call 1000 politicians at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start

Posted by: nopolitics1 | September 18, 2010 9:51 AM | Report abuse

These jokes are dreadful! With the two exceptions of the quotes from JFK (northern/southern) and Harry Truman (dog/friend) this piece has amply demonstrated that the Washington is just not very funny. Let me try an adaptation. . . .

It's a warm August evening in Washington. A young man has been set up with a blind date. He goes to her address in NW. Her apartment, it turns out, is on the top floor of a nice old building. He rings in and takes the elevator up; he knocks on her door. "I'm still in the bathroom," calls out a feminine voice, "the door's unlocked; come on in!" He enters the apartment. Eclectic, books and relics of international travel. Nice. A friendly cocker spaniel comes up to greet him. The balcony doors are open to the warm August breezes. "I'll be out in a minute," she calls, "Why don't you play with my dog, Buster? He's great at fetching; there's a ball on the couch." The man gives Buster a soft grounder; the dog nails it and fetches the ball neatly to hand. Then the man gives him a hard bouncer. The ball caroms off a wall, bounces out the balcony doors and over the balcony rail. The eager dog follows it: out the doors, over the rail, and down 25 stories. The man is gobsmacked, speechless. Just then the woman comes out of the bathroom. The man says "Er, we need to hurry to make the opening at Ford's Theater; let's go!" It's a wonderful evening. The play is a good one, and there's clearly some chemistry going on between the two people. So, it's not until several hours later in a small candle-lit table at Jaleo that the woman asks the man "Well, what did you think of Buster?" "You know," says the man, "I'm no dog psychologist, but to me he seemed awfully depressed."

Posted by: vacohee | September 18, 2010 9:20 AM | Report abuse

These jokes are dreadful! With the two exceptions of the quotes from JFK (northern/southern) and Harry Truman (dog/friend) this piece has amply demonstrated that the Washington is just not very funny. Let me try an adaptation. . . .

It's a warm August evening in Washington. A young man has been set up with a blind date. He goes to her address in NW. Her apartment, it turns out, is on the top floor of a nice old building. He rings in and takes the elevator up; he knocks on her door. "I'm still in the bathroom," calls out a feminine voice, "the door's unlocked; come on in!" He enters the apartment. Eclectic, books and relics of international travel. Nice. A friendly cocker spaniel comes up to greet him. The balcony doors are open to the warm August breezes. "I'll be out in a minute," she calls, "Why don't you play with my dog, Buster? He's great at fetching; there's a ball on the couch." The man gives Buster a soft grounder; the dog nails it and fetches the ball neatly to hand. Then the man gives him a hard bouncer. The ball caroms off a wall, bounces out the balcony doors and over the balcony rail. The eager dog follows it: out the doors, over the rail, and down 25 stories. The man is gobsmacked, speechless. Just then the woman comes out of the bathroom. The man says "Er, we need to hurry to make the opening at Ford's Theater; let's go!" It's a wonderful evening. The play is a good one, and there's clearly some chemistry going on between the two people. So, it's not until several hours later in a small candle-lit table at Jaleo that the woman asks the man "Well, what did you think of Buster?" "You know," says the man, "I'm no dog psychologist, but to me he seemed awfully depressed."

Posted by: vacohee | September 18, 2010 9:18 AM | Report abuse

Loxinabox: Obama is an idiot!

You're right.

We should bring back the sharp-witted crowd that is still looking for weapons of mass destruction and a 7 foot terrorist and, as of to date, has found neither.

Posted by: gimmesummoe | September 18, 2010 8:21 AM | Report abuse

Posted by: Loxinabo

Do we have to listen to Obama? Can't they just televise the teleprompter?

How does that work when most of his critics can't or don't read?


Posted by: gimmesummoe | September 18, 2010 8:16 AM | Report abuse

The Washington Post is clearly Washington's best joke.

Posted by: diehardlib | September 18, 2010 8:11 AM | Report abuse

How do you upset a Democrat?
Work - and be happy.

Posted by: LarryinMD | September 18, 2010 7:37 AM | Report abuse

A lion was walking through the jungle and stopped to eat each pile of dung it came to. An elephant watched for a while and finally asked why. The lion looked up with tears in his eyes and said "he just ate a democrat and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth"

Posted by: Mxto2x | September 18, 2010 6:47 AM | Report abuse

Those are four of the most lame and corny jokes ever.

Q: How many beers does it take to get Marion Barry high?


A: None ... he's still on crack!

Posted by: kinkysr

Is funny though.

Posted by: whatyoutalkinboutman | September 18, 2010 6:36 AM | Report abuse

There should really be a "none of these is funny" option.

Posted by: sarahabc | September 18, 2010 5:33 AM | Report abuse

Reading this stuff is a sad commentary on D.C.'s sense of humor. Most of this stuff is either really old jokes or not really funny at all.

Posted by: Kathy8 | September 18, 2010 5:15 AM | Report abuse

A Democrat and a Republican were talking about how to fix the country's economic mess. "I know!" said the Democrat,"Since T-Bill rates are at historic lows we can borrow money, put millions of people to work, and start a major trend toward prosperity. And at the same time, we can do a lot of infrastructure building and repair that will make our country better for generations to come."

The Republican said, "We'd be better off giving tax breaks to our richest and greediest people until we have the same kind of income inequality that caused Communist revolutions in Russia, China, Cuba, and many other countries."

Democrat: "But... I thought you Republicans supported free enterprise."

Republican: "Hah hah hah. Fooled you, Comrade. If we really supported free enterprise we would agree with *your* economic solution. But we are really Communist plants who hope to take over your country in the name of Marx, which is why we advocate making rich people richer and impoverishing American workers, hah hah hah."

Posted by: roblimo | September 18, 2010 4:21 AM | Report abuse

Sarah Palin

Posted by: jwattscool | September 18, 2010 4:05 AM | Report abuse

Q: Why is the traffic in DC so bad?

A: Because Marion Barry snorted up all the white lines.

Posted by: rstill1 | September 17, 2010 2:26 PM | Report abuse

Four people are sitting at a poker table.

Santa Claus
The Easter Bunny
A sane member of the Tea Party Movement
Madeleine Albright

So, who wins the first hand of poker?

__________________________

Albright does. That's because there's no such thing as a sane member of the Tea Party Movement, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny.

Posted by: bs2004 | September 17, 2010 2:17 PM | Report abuse

If you dropped $400 on a client lunch, but spend $4.50 on a late dinner out of the office vending machine . . . you might be a Washington Lawyer.

Posted by: restr8 | September 17, 2010 1:53 PM | Report abuse

If you dropped $400 on a client lunch, but spend $4.50 on a late dinner out of the office vending machine . . . you might be a Washington Lawyer.

Posted by: restr8 | September 17, 2010 1:51 PM | Report abuse

Will Rogers: "I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat."

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 17, 2010 1:48 PM | Report abuse

The best Washington joke: The Obama/Biden 2008 ticket.

It'd be even funnier if it wasn't so pathetic.

Posted by: r_leever | September 17, 2010 1:41 PM | Report abuse

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself. —Mark Twain

Posted by: Loxinabox | September 17, 2010 1:35 PM | Report abuse

"Obama is a Muslim." Not only is this completly untrue it is also a put down to Muslims the world over!
However, it is true that the word "Obama" is an old Kenyan term for "Village Idiot."

Posted by: Loxinabox | September 17, 2010 1:25 PM | Report abuse

What do you call someone who prefers money over sex? A Republican!

Posted by: carolineC1 | September 17, 2010 1:17 PM | Report abuse

Congress does two things well: nothing and over-react.

Posted by: susanndc | September 17, 2010 1:14 PM | Report abuse

How many U.S. Senators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sixty, because otherwise Republicans will keep us forever in the dark.

Posted by: FergusonFoont | September 17, 2010 12:54 PM | Report abuse

Nod to John Kennedy.

"Washington DC is a city of Northern charm and Southern efficiency."

Posted by: xyz061220 | September 17, 2010 12:44 PM | Report abuse

What's the difference between a congressman and a prostitute?

There are some things a prostitute won't do for money.

Posted by: dingogumby | September 17, 2010 12:42 PM | Report abuse

Q: How many beers does it take to get Marion Barry high?


A: None ... he's still on crack!

Posted by: kinkysr | September 17, 2010 12:34 PM | Report abuse


Do we have to listen to Obama? Can't they just televise the teleprompter?

Posted by: Loxinabox | September 17, 2010 12:00 PM | Report abuse

Looking for a friend in Washington? Buy a dog. (thanx to Harry S Truman)

Posted by: ex-Virginian4 | September 17, 2010 11:32 AM | Report abuse

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