What is your best/worst Washington joke?

Q: What is the most beloved animal in Washington, DC?

A: The Pander.

My next piece of work will be a non-fiction account of the Warren Comission Report. Woody Allen.

Illegal Immigrants do Essential Work in the United States:::

The next time you eat in a restaurant take a look into the kitchen/food preparation areas.
Who is that food handler coughing into the food he is preparing for a customer?
Look at the hands; what is that brown stuff under those fingernails?
Can these employees read the "wash hands" signs in the restrooms?
If you look at the right moment you will see the drippings from that food server's nose falling into
the food he is serving (yours?)
Did these employees go through the routine health and disease screenings for TB, HIV, hepatitis, and a few other exotic diseases that can be passed along to you and your family?
These poor employees doing this essential work might not be illegal immigrants; they may just be nasty people.
Bon appetite.

E. What's the difference between the papparazzi and the Washington Press corp?

the papparazzi are classier.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

oldie but goodie.......Mark Twain late 1800s

The best and worst Washington joke is one in the same.

George W. Bush

Father - Son, don't be a crackhead. They never amount to anything.
Son - Well, I could become Mayor of DC.
Chris Rock

Famous Korean lobbyist, Rock Creek Park

Favorite joke?

OBowMa.

Washington is about the only place where R&D have the exact opposite meaning of Research and Development.

If "pro" is the opposite of "con," then what is the opposite of Progress?

Q:
So why wouldn't Moses talk to "George W"
when he ran into him?

A:
Because the last time he spoke to
a "Bush" he was wandering in the
wilderness for 40 years.

Q: What is the difference between Socialist Elect Comrade obama (sic) and the Almighty God of the Universe?

A: The Almighty God of the Universe knows He's not Socialist Elect Comrade obama (sic).

M. Carlucci

What to you call 1000 politicians at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start

These jokes are dreadful! With the two exceptions of the quotes from JFK (northern/southern) and Harry Truman (dog/friend) this piece has amply demonstrated that the Washington is just not very funny. Let me try an adaptation. . . .

It's a warm August evening in Washington. A young man has been set up with a blind date. He goes to her address in NW. Her apartment, it turns out, is on the top floor of a nice old building. He rings in and takes the elevator up; he knocks on her door. "I'm still in the bathroom," calls out a feminine voice, "the door's unlocked; come on in!" He enters the apartment. Eclectic, books and relics of international travel. Nice. A friendly cocker spaniel comes up to greet him. The balcony doors are open to the warm August breezes. "I'll be out in a minute," she calls, "Why don't you play with my dog, Buster? He's great at fetching; there's a ball on the couch." The man gives Buster a soft grounder; the dog nails it and fetches the ball neatly to hand. Then the man gives him a hard bouncer. The ball caroms off a wall, bounces out the balcony doors and over the balcony rail. The eager dog follows it: out the doors, over the rail, and down 25 stories. The man is gobsmacked, speechless. Just then the woman comes out of the bathroom. The man says "Er, we need to hurry to make the opening at Ford's Theater; let's go!" It's a wonderful evening. The play is a good one, and there's clearly some chemistry going on between the two people. So, it's not until several hours later in a small candle-lit table at Jaleo that the woman asks the man "Well, what did you think of Buster?" "You know," says the man, "I'm no dog psychologist, but to me he seemed awfully depressed."

These jokes are dreadful! With the two exceptions of the quotes from JFK (northern/southern) and Harry Truman (dog/friend) this piece has amply demonstrated that the Washington is just not very funny. Let me try an adaptation. . . .

It's a warm August evening in Washington. A young man has been set up with a blind date. He goes to her address in NW. Her apartment, it turns out, is on the top floor of a nice old building. He rings in and takes the elevator up; he knocks on her door. "I'm still in the bathroom," calls out a feminine voice, "the door's unlocked; come on in!" He enters the apartment. Eclectic, books and relics of international travel. Nice. A friendly cocker spaniel comes up to greet him. The balcony doors are open to the warm August breezes. "I'll be out in a minute," she calls, "Why don't you play with my dog, Buster? He's great at fetching; there's a ball on the couch." The man gives Buster a soft grounder; the dog nails it and fetches the ball neatly to hand. Then the man gives him a hard bouncer. The ball caroms off a wall, bounces out the balcony doors and over the balcony rail. The eager dog follows it: out the doors, over the rail, and down 25 stories. The man is gobsmacked, speechless. Just then the woman comes out of the bathroom. The man says "Er, we need to hurry to make the opening at Ford's Theater; let's go!" It's a wonderful evening. The play is a good one, and there's clearly some chemistry going on between the two people. So, it's not until several hours later in a small candle-lit table at Jaleo that the woman asks the man "Well, what did you think of Buster?" "You know," says the man, "I'm no dog psychologist, but to me he seemed awfully depressed."

Loxinabox: Obama is an idiot!

You're right.

We should bring back the sharp-witted crowd that is still looking for weapons of mass destruction and a 7 foot terrorist and, as of to date, has found neither.

Posted by: Loxinabo

Do we have to listen to Obama? Can't they just televise the teleprompter?

How does that work when most of his critics can't or don't read?

The Washington Post is clearly Washington's best joke.

How do you upset a Democrat?
Work - and be happy.

A lion was walking through the jungle and stopped to eat each pile of dung it came to. An elephant watched for a while and finally asked why. The lion looked up with tears in his eyes and said "he just ate a democrat and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth"

Those are four of the most lame and corny jokes ever.

Q: How many beers does it take to get Marion Barry high?

A: None ... he's still on crack!

Posted by: kinkysr

Is funny though.

There should really be a "none of these is funny" option.

Reading this stuff is a sad commentary on D.C.'s sense of humor. Most of this stuff is either really old jokes or not really funny at all.

A Democrat and a Republican were talking about how to fix the country's economic mess. "I know!" said the Democrat,"Since T-Bill rates are at historic lows we can borrow money, put millions of people to work, and start a major trend toward prosperity. And at the same time, we can do a lot of infrastructure building and repair that will make our country better for generations to come."

The Republican said, "We'd be better off giving tax breaks to our richest and greediest people until we have the same kind of income inequality that caused Communist revolutions in Russia, China, Cuba, and many other countries."

Democrat: "But... I thought you Republicans supported free enterprise."

Republican: "Hah hah hah. Fooled you, Comrade. If we really supported free enterprise we would agree with *your* economic solution. But we are really Communist plants who hope to take over your country in the name of Marx, which is why we advocate making rich people richer and impoverishing American workers, hah hah hah."

Sarah Palin

Q: Why is the traffic in DC so bad?

A: Because Marion Barry snorted up all the white lines.

Four people are sitting at a poker table.

Santa Claus
The Easter Bunny
A sane member of the Tea Party Movement
Madeleine Albright

So, who wins the first hand of poker?

__________________________

Albright does. That's because there's no such thing as a sane member of the Tea Party Movement, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny.

If you dropped $400 on a client lunch, but spend $4.50 on a late dinner out of the office vending machine . . . you might be a Washington Lawyer.

If you dropped $400 on a client lunch, but spend $4.50 on a late dinner out of the office vending machine . . . you might be a Washington Lawyer.

Will Rogers: "I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat."

The best Washington joke: The Obama/Biden 2008 ticket.

It'd be even funnier if it wasn't so pathetic.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself. —Mark Twain

"Obama is a Muslim." Not only is this completly untrue it is also a put down to Muslims the world over!
However, it is true that the word "Obama" is an old Kenyan term for "Village Idiot."

What do you call someone who prefers money over sex? A Republican!

Congress does two things well: nothing and over-react.

How many U.S. Senators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Sixty, because otherwise Republicans will keep us forever in the dark.

Nod to John Kennedy.

"Washington DC is a city of Northern charm and Southern efficiency."

What's the difference between a congressman and a prostitute?

There are some things a prostitute won't do for money.

Q: How many beers does it take to get Marion Barry high?

A: None ... he's still on crack!

Do we have to listen to Obama? Can't they just televise the teleprompter?

Looking for a friend in Washington? Buy a dog. (thanx to Harry S Truman)