Einstein for Dummies

So I guess Tom missed the "dilate" thing when he edited this column -- which is perfectly understandable, given that he was befuddled by the speed of light at the time.

So one way to make childbirth easier is to accelerate the mother to near-light speeds so the cervix dilates to 30 or 40 cm, and then rapidly decelerate her and watch the baby just fly out of there.

Joel writes:
You may have heard the one about Einstein in bed with a woman, and he says, defensively, "For YOU it was fast."

For the uninformed:
Please drive to your local bookstore--not at the speed of light--and buy Michele Zackheim's 1999 book, "Einstein's Daughter: The Search for Lieserl." This book, not yet 10 years old, ought to open a lot of eyes about Einstein. Of course, Einstein was an acquaintance of my distant cousin, Alfred Lee Loomis, whose work on the atomic bomb is told in Jennet Conant's exceptional book, "Tuxedo Park."

Also, I habe dein Einstein Zeitungsbericht zweimal gelesen. Ich sehe dass du wie ein Dumpkopf noch mal wieder geschreiben hast. Es tut mir ganz leid!

Joel,

Too much wacky. Dave Barry already exists.

No no! This one was perfect, especially the part about Einstein bending spoons with his mind and looking for the little people inside the TV. And as a bonus it led to corndog's proposed faster-than-light birthing technique. Besides, sadly, Dave Barry now only partially exists.

I loved the piece, Joel.
"Einstein for Dummies" - it's like you wrote it just for me.
A couple of items:

1. I know pregnant women gain a lot towards the end of the pregnancy, but WOW did you see how corndog's wife packed it on just before she delivered?

2. Hey, Einstein had a great year in '05, but so did Barry Bonds in '01. Can we get one of those slices of Einstein's brain that are floating around to see if he was on the "cream" or the "clear"? Don't send it to me, my kids are likely to mistake it for prosciutto if they find it in the fridge.

3. Am I the only one who thinks that it's more than a coincidence that E's "stupid phase" occurred when he came to America? Instead of setting him up in New Jersey, maybe they should have sent him to Florida?
I think the University of Miami would have been perfect.

bc

anon?

What gives?

This is why we have loved Joel for years, ever since he was abducted by space aliens.

With the addition of a classic Richard Thompson sketch, many of us are very happy, indeed.

Dave Barry? he probably thinks that string theory has to do with how much String Cheese you can eat before you get sick.

Speaking of Dave Barry, which I guess we are at this point ... Joel, weren't you and Dave cojoined twins separated at birth? Each of you got half of the brain, right? Just kidding, folks! But there is quite a similarity in the writing style and sense of humor. I love both of you. I miss Dave's column; I'm so glad for Joel's Sunday column and this blog.

Yes, objects don't dilate, they contract. Time dilates. Geez, get your special relativity straight.

no sense of humor-

I think at an object's mass increases as it approaches c, though to your point, I think they would appear to an observer at non-relativistic as elongated, like the Enterprise going to warp drive.

And you should have seen corndog's electric bill the month his child was born.

bc

Whoops, that first sentence should have read, "I think at an object's mass increases as it approaches c, though to your point, I think they would appear to an observer at non-relativistic velocities as elongated, like the Enterprise going to warp drive."

bc

Dilation may properly refer to elongation or contraction. Although everyone, including probably most physicists, refer to objects becoming shorter and to clocks slowing down, this terminology is quite misleading. It is based on concepts introduced and elaborated by H. A. Lorentz years before Einstein published, in order to explain the negative result of a celebrated experiment conducted by Michelson and Morley in the 1880's. Michelson attributed these effects to motion through the ether. Einstein's 1905 theory dispenses with the ether and, ipso facto, any effects due to motion through it. In Einstein's theory, the observed dilations are artefacts of the measurement process.

In the previous post I said that Michelson attributed dilations to motion through the ether. It was Lorentz who put forth this explanation.