Going Hollywood, plus Gene on JW

What was the 'universal male truth' before machine guns were invented?

I would imagine the universal male truth was something akin to killing yourself a bear or other large ferocious creature and then wearing its pelt. If I didn't know jw had a SO I would totally post my phone number in a hugely vain attempt to catch me a man. j/k, I'm not *that* scary.

So you are suggesting that the 'universal mail truth' is not being able to pull out SQL cammands and yelling "ok, data, dance?"

Hello Joel,

I am wondering what sort of film you would be doing. We average Americans don't really understand the new film business. Do producers make any money on those movies that play constantly on cable? With the advent of hundreds of free movie channels to go with serveral that cost the cable subscriber bucks each month, does anyone other than those cable networks make any money?

Can you actually target those odd movie channels? Does anyone make money off of movies on Sundance? If so, you could write the most bazaar screenplay.

Then there is the nuclear family channel and the happy ending network. I heard a while back that there is a growing cottage industry in Mormon movies.

Joel, how about a dog and a cat and an aging radiologist travel half way across the country to get home (running time 1 hr and 20 minutes) where they are met by George Clooney who owns the lab.

You rock, jw!

I have just one question:
Gene writes, "Jeremy took his seat. It was last call for beer. I asked if he wanted one, and he snapped: 'No. I need to stay focused.'"

You didn't *really* "snap" at Gene, did you? (I'm thinking no. Perhaps Gene imagined that part -- it sounds like he was maybe a little bit scared of you.)

Some time ago you wrote a Rough Draft column about meeting Meg Ryan. This, combined with your recent column suggests to me that you are in denial about your rightful place in the universe. To many of us simple folk, you ARE a celebrity. A Google of my name yields exactly 9 hits. Your name yields 89,300 hits (Like you didn't know this already...). Therefore, by this entirely objective criterion you are nearly 10,000 times more famous than am I. You are so famous that, I suspect, some people post to this blog just to bask in the reflected light of your eminence and gain for themselves a modicum of notoriety (Look - isn't that "Videlicet" at the bar!!!) And yet, I have no doubt you do not feel famous. William Goldman once wrote that glamour is a matter of perspective.
So too, I suspect, is fame.

Achenfan, I wondered about jw "snapping" too. Seemed a little out of character, but after all, he had a game to save. Really funny - and I love that Gene worked in the part about jw saving his ticket stubs, which I think is so endearing.

jw, you must tell us your version. And the reaction you get from your friends and family...I'm so impressed your mom got mentioned too - that's so sweet - and she must be one tough lady. (I'm imagining that you talked about her with Gene quite a bit - but maybe she told you, if I don't get mentioned, you are in big trouble, boy!)

RD Padouk, interesting comments. I'm thrilled to be basking in jw's reflected light! And in any other Kaboodlers' whom Joel mentions in a Kit...

I must say I was a little surprised that Gene felt the need to contact the Albert Einstein Professor in Science at Princeton University about the end-of-the-Universe question. Surely bc and I could have given him all the information he needed, and then some.

I did enjoy reading about Gene's decision process, though:

"[Gene]: So, if I go to a game with this guy, from a standpoint of quantum physics, what is the probability that this confluence of immovable object and irresistible force will cause the world to end?

[The Princeton physicist]: We can't rule it out.

So on the one hand, by going to this game, I maybe could purge my curse and start attending baseball games again. On the other, the universe could explode. It was a hard choice. Ask any guy."

Tee hee . . .

I just bought 6 papers, and the guy in the ccovnience store thought I was crazy.

And to just set the record straight, I didn't really "snap." Well, I did, but I was just kidding about it, like a funny way to refuse another beer. I'm *sure* that he knew I was kidding.

So, my version, eh? Well, here goes:

I met Gene at the park, on the little grassy knoll in front of the will-call. I have to admit; I felt a little strange standing around waiting to meet a guy for what amounted to the platonic version of a blind date. Gene arrived, and the first thing he said was, "Great! You look exactly the way I hoped you would. I bet you got all the girls in school." That pretty much set the mood for the rest of the night. We quickly established that we're pretty much as close to exact opposites as you can get. We weigh the same, but I'm 6'1 and Gene's...not. He's a die-hard Yankees fan--I wouldn't be too distressed if a WMD went off in Yankee Stadium while the club was in batting practice. I could go on and on. I think these details must have been edited out.

We picked up the tickets, and had about 45 minutes before the beginning of The Game. So we found our seats, which were fantastic. We were on the third base line, one section back (row 2 of section 221, for those who care). Then we embarked on a little mini-quest for beer and food. Gene likes good beer, or at least doesn't like piss, so we looked for a stand that wasn't selling the light stuff. Then, because I was hungry and Gene was buying, we went looking for half-smokes. This proved to be somewhat difficult, because apparently no one who works for Aramark knows what a half-smoke is. I don't really know either, so we had a problem. I knew that Tom Boswell and Marc Fisher had both made comments that RFK was finally selling half-smokes, and I had told bc that I would get one. So finally, on the top level of the stadium, we found a stand selling "spicy hot dogs." It might have been a half smoke. I have no idea. Gene got a sausage with "just a few onions." No condiments.

Not to digress, but Gene was wearing a tee shirt from Dysart's Truck Stop in Bangor, ME. I said to him, "My Mom's from Bangor!" Gene's reply: "Really. I think it's the shittiest town I've ever been to." Or something like that. Both my mom and I found this hilarious.

So we sat down and watched to watch the game. Gene was very impressed that I took my hat off for the national anthem, which I thought was a little strange. I thought it was just what you did. But apparently some people don't. We then settled in to watch some baseball. Gene is probably one of the best people to watch a baseball game with, because he is an absolute font of random trivia, and he also has some really good stories about games he's been to. It was also really fun to here stories starting off like, "I once asked Tony Kornheiser..." or, "David Von Drehle has a theory about..." Rarified air, I tell ya. We talked a little bit about how fun it would be if the game went to 22 innings.

So the game was pretty tame until the fateful 7th inning. Which pretty much happened as he described. What Gene didn't say was that in the bottom of the 7th, he went to the bathroom, and Guillen came about 5 feet shy of going yard almost immediately after Gene left.

After that inning, we really bought into the hype. It wasn't just the game that was at stake--we really thought there was a chance we were going to pull this off. We were literally on the edges of our seats. Patterson gave us a little scare in the 9th when it looked like he had lost his stuff, but he got pulled and Cordero got the last couple outs. Gene punched me on the shoulder with a big grin on his face and congratulated me. Of course, we were the only two people in the park who really knew who was responsible for the win. He told me his plan for the column on the way out, and we said good-bye. It was one of the best games I've ever been too--I think everyone should have the opportunity to go to a game where the fate of the universe rests in the balance at least once in their life.

And to answer Joel's question from an earlier thread--of course I've thougt about starting a blog. The problem was I couldn't come up with a good name, and everyone know's that a blog has to have a catchy name. The obvious answer was both in Gene's column and Joel's post: Mr. Mojo. Or mojoblog. Or something like that. I don't know. Unfortunately Wonkette is already taken.

I may have to improve my editing skills first.

Editing, schmediting (sorry, Tom fan). You did fine. Great story - rarified air indeed. I'm basking in your reflected light. Did you tell the convenience store guy that there was a story about you in the Post? I'm sure that would have changed his impression...

So I have to ask - have you been to any more games? Has Gene? I hear the Nats are in a race for the wild card.

Oh, and on the name for your blog - the hapless Seattle Mariners used "Sodo Mojo" as their slogan a couple of years ago (Sodo is the area where their stadium is - pronounced sew-dough). Anyway, you don't want anything to do with their mojo. Last year their slogan was "Hey Now"...

That was superb, jw. Editing schmediting is correct -- I'd have a hard time finding something to fix in that sparkling copy.

I love the last sentence:
"It was one of the best games I've ever been too--I think everyone should have the opportunity to go to a game where the fate of the universe rests in the balance at least once in their life."

I think the jw/GW outing was worthy of a feature article in the Magazine -- one page just wasn't enough to do this story justice.

Gene's been to a game, which they won. The curse is officially broken. Or he can only go to games with guys named Jeremy (his daughter's fella has the same name as me). I haven't been to another game but Gene sent me an email: "Wait. I am hoping you hear from the Nats on Monday."

Well..here goes...

http://mojo-blog.blogspot.com/

Good stuff, jw! And you even got Karen Bertocci to come back for a visit. This is most excellent.

"You aren't really a man unless you've fired a machine gun"

this notion is the root of 95% of the problems in the world.

i have fired a handgun. not so easy. there was a target, but im pretty sure i didnt hit it.

is it just me or does joel look like that kung fu guy - david carradine?

No, me, that's just the photo. In person he looks more like Dennis Quaid.

No wonder Meg Ryan couldn't stop herself from staring...

I seem to remember Gene also contacting Michio Kaku for some physics input. For some reason it didn't work out.

I still think this has the potential for a better screenplay than 'The Sum of all Fears.'

Doppelganger II: Journey to the Far Side of Blue Line. Two guys unknowlingly hold the fate of the universe in their hands, and once they discover the truth, they find it holds an Even Bigger Secret!

So, jw, how was the 'spicy hot dog'?

bc

SCC: 'unknowingly'.

bc

jw,

Because of you and your contributions to the blog, I even turned to Weingarten's article about you. It was a nicely done piece and made you shine!

I think Weingarten used the verb "snapped" simply because he wanted a "snappy" verb. Writers are like that--better to use a colorful verb than a dull one, such as "replied."

I hope your Katrina fund-raiser went well this weekend? I applaud your heart!!!

Your story about being in a school play and playing Tiny Tim was fun, too. When I first read the line, my mind immediately conjured up you singing "Tiptoe Through The Tulips." Then I realized that you meant Dickens. ;-)

Again, congratulations--on Weingarten's article, being an outstanding young man, and having a great mom.

JW's mojoblog is off to a great start. Let's face it, he's going to steal my audience. He's already got a boodle. The parallel is when Barney Google introduced the character Snuffy Smith, and gradually Barney faded away, and the strip became all Snuffy all the time, one hillbilly joke after another, pots and pans catching rainwater dripping through the ceiling. I am not sure I'm ready to be Barney to JW's Snuffy.

The "spicy hot dog" was just a big hot dog, like at Camden Yards, with a little bit more seasoning. Which I guess is what a half-smoke is. I really have no idea.

Aw, thanks Linda. I've been constantly blushing ever since Sunday.

The Katrina fundraiser ended up being a mess. Coors Light backed out of the promotion at T-4:00, so we had to throw something else together really fast. The bar also dropped the ball on their side of the bargan. We ended up sending a cute blond girl around the bar selling raffle tickets for gift-certificates, and I think we ended up with about $1,000. So not bad.

post-script:

I met both Dennis Quaid and Billy Bob Thornton a year ago March. Give me Billy Bob any day of the week.

Billy Bob was canoodling with his girlfriend when Tony Seguin (Tony is the great-grandson of Juan Seguin of Alamo fame and the great-great-grandson of Erasmo Seguin, first mayor of Bexar who was instrumental in securing from the Spanish government the empresario grant for Moses F. Austin) and I approached him. Billy Bob is the nicest, most gracious actor I think I have ever met. Those are mega-watt dimples that he's got, too!

As far as our own Joelly Bob Achenbach looking like Dennis Quaid, to that I say, "No way, Jose!"

JW,

Is your mojo for rent? If so, would you please bring your mojo to the Redskins-Cowboys game tonight? The team needs you! You could be the DC good luck charm! Team managers could call and request your presence and we'd finally have winning teams throughout the DC area. They should throw in some good tickets to ensure your mojo would be working properly.

Great article. Gene was kind to you and I think he was a little in awe.

I don't think anyone can help the Redskins, AJ. Sorry.

I don't know, jw.

Can't we start a big Prayer Circle for the Burgundy and Gold, starting at 9:00 PM EST? Clip this message and email it to 10 people, with the suggestion that they each do it to 10 other people, etc. etc..

If we can't use jw's Mojo (note: shouldn't we capitialze JW, now that he's Arrived/Broken Out?), maybe we should call on the Power of Prayer.

In retrospect, this might seem offensive to some people. Instead, maybe we should use the Capital Beltway as a big Particle Accelerator and drive around it as fast as we can, hoping... nah.

Maybe we should just change the name of the team, as Mike Wise points out (though that's been on the table for 20 years I'm aware of). Maybe that'll change the team's Mojo.

bc
I've been a diehard Washington football fan since Vince Lombardi was the head coach.

LindaLoo (I love Joel's nickname for you) - I'm chartreuse with envy. YOU MET BILLLY BOB THORNTOTN??!!!! He is my idol, actor-wise, and the g-girls think he's "awfully cute for an old man". Billy Bob should've received the Oscar for The Man Who Wasn't There. I've watched that film and Sling Blade so many times, I can repeat the dialogue word for word. In my mind's eye, I can see him writing, directing and playing Mr. Rodgers in a biographical film. If you see him again, would you please tell him I said so?

All hail the...Eagles. What an impressive game yesterday. And if anyone does start a prayer circle, or a mass e-mail chanin letter, just know I'll be doing the ssame thing. For the Eagles!!!

SCC chanin:chain

Nani,
I think meeting Billy Bob Thornton was a "once-in-a-lifetime" event. The Walt Disney Company was *wonderful* in providing tickets to Tony Seguin and to me so that we could attend the premiere of the "The Alamo" movie. The stars were out that night, let me tell you--Jason Patrick, Patrick Wilson (the highlight of my evening--hearing him sing!), Jack Valenti, Sam Donaldson, all Texcas' top politicians, all the other great stars in the film, Leonard Maltin, etc.

Tony works in my nearest branch library. We met over books! We are both older and married (to other people), Tony with two grown sons, one a musician in a rock band, much like Joel's brother. I have blood connections to the Austins (as does Sen. John Kerry), so Disney was kind to include us. At my insistence, Tony walked the press line, just behind Davy Crockett's descendant. I know that for Tony, his thrill of the evening was meeting Jordi Molla who played his great-grandfather, and a Canadian TV station did a joint interview with both Tony and Jordi.

And Joelly Bob Achenbach can call me anything he wants, even "LindaLoo." I respond to just about anything, even past nicknames just as "Loomis Armored," "Scrappy," and "ad-nil sim-ool (my name spelled backwards)."

Machineguns are now available in Rockville, MD:

http://www.gilbertindoorrange.com/Full_Autos.htm

I've always thought that the sine qua non of manliness was killing a bear with a knife. Patty Hearst fired a machine gun, but only Daniel Boone "cilled a bar".

Vizzy has opened up a discussion on manliness.

Wimmen, what do you think? What is the sine qua non of manliness? Does manliness mean something different for a man than manliness means to a woman?

As I recall, an extraordinary musician played Daniel Boone's actual violin/fiddle at the premiere of "The Alamo" before the lights went down and the curtains parted for the Disney movie.

Linda Loomis: I have only fired a handgun or a rifle a few times, but I have felt more manly after doing it. Now John Wayne could clap me on the shoulder and cry "Attaboy, Pilgrim".

I asked my wife what she thought of manfood requiring blood be spilt, and she opined that food could be manfood if it was messy and eaten with the fingers.

i lived in la for 5 years and volunteered for the Independent Feature Channel so i've met a bunch of "stars"... the one i was the most excited about was Queen Latifah - (achenfan, shhhh!! remember to keep our achensecret!) but yes, the whole star spotting does become a terrible terrible habit... it took me a while when i got back to DC to stop that frantic eye darting checking out the restaurant... some of the stars you meet are sooo soooo nice (jon cryer, adrian brody was sooo sweet with his parents, randy quaid and his wife are freakin TALLLL but very sweet, vince vaughn was a total sweetheart and very approachable) and some were really standoffish (harvy keitel) and some were downright mean (no names!!)... but i guess it's just so hard when you are famous - you can't even go to the grocery store or 7-11 or a public bathroom (britney spears always gets caught bare-foot at a public bathroom).

jw - i LOVED that!!! that was a good read! maybe the nats owner will read his article and contact you!

as for lindaloo's (luv that nickname!) question du jeur - i hate guns of any kind (except paintball guns)... i knew a navy seal - i think that's pretty darn manly! can't get any manlier than being a navy seal!

As everyone knows, there are 3 ingredients to every manly gathering:

1. Alcohol
2. Fire
3. Loud noises

The ATF might as well tax manhood itself.

mo: You got your Rangers, your Seals, your Marines, and your Green Berets. Which one is the manliest? Never heard of any manly Air Force guys. I guess that's why they have those nice bomber jackets.

scc - independent FILM channel - yeesh! lunkhead!

the seals are the manliest by far! followed by a close second by the marines... i'm sorry but you can't be a man in a beret... even a green beret... it's just not manly!

Oooh, Air Force guys - pilots, Top Gun - they're the epitome of manliness so they don't need a special group! Uniforms do seem to help...as do cowboy hats...

Seriously, manliness has something to do with confidence and competence...and it doesn't hurt to be buff...

Adnil Simool: My wife is of the opinion that if men could give birth, that would be the manliest thing. "You were in labor for 12 hours? I was in labor for 12 hours on the first day!"

Has Joel ever done a column on manliness?

Your Queen Latifah secret is safe with me, mo -- as is Cubedweller's cube secret and bc's butt secret.

vizzy (where'd you come up with that lindaloo?) sorry - childbirth is not manly - like puppies, kittens and the color pink - even long labor - babies are just too cute... but wait - that's a manly thing - i love to see a guy pushing a stroller on his own with his kid... that's pretty darn manly to me!
and pilots are manly but not the normal air force guys... there's something about that light blue uniform that doesn't do it for me... i like the enlisted navy dress whites/blacks - they call them crackerjacks...

bc's butt secret! HAH!

Shiver me timbers, Videlicet's pretty much got it right.

Except for that Most Important Firearm every man carries. Some would say that this is The Universal Male Truth, that seperates us from de wimmen.

I am reminded of the Berke Breathed's "Outland" strip from the early 90's, where Opus cracks a "woman" joke, and the woman repiles: "You dumb hypocrites. You mock the half of humanity that makes your graceless existence bearable. Men should pause for one moment and take another long hard look at the very thing that brings meaning to their meaningless lives." The woman walks away in high dudgeon, while the male characters look at each other, then look into their underwear.

It was a bit racy, but never fails to crack guys up.

Arrggg.

bc

I eat my salad with my fingers, sans dressing of course. Now if I were to put dressing on it it would be messy, but I still don't think it would be man food.

"bc's butt secret". - ha!

Hey, let's not let everyone in on it!

Arrg (what kind of a Pirate Movie IS this?)?

bc

Are pirates manly?

Pros: cutlass, parrot, hook hands
Cons: billowy shirt, earring

I was a marksman with a Crossman 360 bb gun as kid. I was a better shot without a scope than all my friends were with. Ha. As for the real guns: I've fired a pistol (almost as good a shot as my police officer brother) a rifle and a shotgun (hit everyone one of those clay pigeons but the one I didn't shoot at (that split in two and threw me off)). Only machine gun ever fired was a bb machine gun at the fair.

Johnny Depp appeared to be wearing eyeliner in "Pirates of the Carribean." That's not very manly.

It might argued it's Goth though.

I think I can hear mo's meeeooowww now.

SCC: might be twoo posts back

SCC: twoo => two

I think I can hear mo's meeeooowww now.

SCC: 'Breathed'.

I've done and enjoyed a lot of things that some consider manly; football, baseball, basketball, built and driven racing cars, motorcycling, learned a little bit about piloting airplanes, boating, hunting, fishing, used air tools, welders, printing presses, done machine work, contractor work (incl. plumbing and electrical), and construction. Oh, and I'm a very average shot, but I do know the difference between skeet and trap.

Yet women can cut me to shreds with a word or a look.

Arrgh, hooray.

bc

A guy who is sweaty from sports, drinking a beer, is manly.

Driving manual transmission is manly.

Opening the door for me is manly.

TA, I think you know where I stand on these things.

bc

TA: Your manly guy sounds like Speed Racer!

I've wondered what it must feel like for a pregnant woman, to have something inside of you, not attached to your nerve endings. It must feel like a swallowed fly, beating against your throat.

Speed Racer??? naw, too boyish. Now Racer X on the other hand.

umm... i drive a manual transmission and i play golf, paintball, fishing, boating... does that mean i'm manly?

A man with a chainsaw...Manly!

jarmuschguy: I wonder how much the ammo for an hour's worth of machine gun firing would cost?

oh, and Johnny depp as a pirate?
MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

i love it when guys wear eyeliner!! and piraty shirts? MANLY!! most def!

mo, this just means that the Right Person is going to be very happy when they meet you.

Omni, RacerX may manly be,
but serious family issues has he.

She: "So we've been dating for 2 years now, when do I get to meet your family?"

RacerX: "You already have. Now siddown, shuddup, and hang on."

The Shooting Star fishtails out of the Applebee's parking lot, leaving the smell of hot "R" compound tire rubber, clutch material, and racing fuel.

She, shouting over the Shooting Star's engine as Racer X bangs off full-throttle 8500 RPM snap shifts: "What? First you won't ever take that stupid cyclops mask off, and now I'm not good enough for your family?! That's it Mr. X, we're THROUGH! Let me out!"

Racer X threshold brakes to a stop on the side of the road, the brakes and tires squealing from 100 mph to 0 in 130 ft., a miasma of brake material and engine oil hanging in the air over the Shooting Star's open cockpit. Racer X stiff-arms She out of the car, while the Shooting Star's V8 settles to a lumpy big-valve-overlap idle.

"Fine! Go!" he yells, and roars off. She covers her face with her hands at the side of the road, her shoulders heaving with sobs.

Racer X hums Gilbert O' Sullivan's "Alone Again, Naturally" to himself, as he plots out pit strategy for The Next Big Race.

bc

bc: Maybe she's better off not meeting Spritle and Chim Chim? They're nothing but trouble!

RD Padouk is right, I have lost my sense of meum and teum. Plus, Joel doesn't want vulgarity on the blog, and I can appreciate that, but I enjoy vulgarity too much to let it alone. I'm returning to my silent geekout, thanks to Joel and the Boodle for an illaqueating time!

P.S. Did you know that on April 15, 1987, 10% of the children in the US disappeared? That's because the IRS started requiring parents to provide a social security number for each dependent.

Well, I think it's time to get back to machine guns.

I live in 30878 Las Vegas, Nevada. Have you been here before?