As children go through the rituals of final exams, term papers, graduation ceremonies, piano recitals, talent shows, tryouts for the swim team and so on, parents must keep in mind the importance of nurturing self-esteem. Because you can't feel good about yourself if your child lets you down.

That's why the slogan in my house is Don't Sully The Family Name. When building a strong emotional foundation in a child, it is good to begin with shame. I don't expect them to be perfect, just far, far better than average. The occasional "B" is acceptable, so long as the child agrees to testify in a lawsuit against the teacher who is so stingy with the grades.

A "C" is grounds for permanent estrangement and disinheritance.

The kids understand that their own failures can be forgiven if they've made an effective effort to bring their friends down to their level. Merit is relative: Children must be taught that what really matters in life is not "winning," but making the honest effort to suppress the achievement level of the broader generational cohort.

My progeny grasp the concept that, when desperate, they can always play defense. Sometimes we watch hockey games together and admire the beefy, toothless dude whose only function is to come off the bench and slam into opposing players. We have found that the goon approach to life works wonders during the tension of a piano recital. I've trained them to go for the fingers.

By Joel Achenbach  |  June 6, 2006; 9:44 AM ET
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