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Vote For Me!

[My column in the Sunday magazine.]

My Fellow Citizens:

In just a few short days, the people of this great nation will go to the polls and make a fateful decision. My opponent represents the party of weakness, doubt and defeatism. I represent the party of delusion and utter lunacy. The choice could not be clearer.

For many years, I have had the honor to serve you in the halls of government, the backrooms and, when necessary, the lavatories. There is no place I will not go to fight for you, your family, your community, my campaign contributors, their business partners and their associates in foreign capitals and offshore banking operations. When you say, "Sink," I say, "How low?"

Anyone who has worked with me over the years knows that I cannot be bought. I can only be leased. Twelve-month minimum. Ask about our discounts.

I do not believe in negative campaigning and have ignored the ugly name-calling by my opponent, who is a criminal, a cretin and a foul-smelling lush. But I have been dismayed in recent days as my opponent has repeatedly tried to divert public attention to such tawdry matters as my voting record. That is the kind of gutter politics I thought we had moved beyond.

I am proud that I managed to funnel $200 million for the construction of an eight-lane suspension bridge linking two uninhabited islands that are part of a national wildlife refuge. Lots of jobs and profits, no actual cars, no furry critters get hurt. Everyone wins!

While naysayers squawked, I continued to fight for procurement of the $500 billion Lockheed-Northrop-Boeing-Rockwell XJ-77 fighter jet that in a tragic oversight was designed without wings. Let's not blow that out of proportion. True, the plane won't fly, but our enemies will still be deterred by the possibility that we could add wings later.

When our troops were in harm's way without sufficient body armor, I was the first to suggest that we airlift them extra aluminum foil. I have consistently argued, in the face of criticism by the hand-wringers, that the Geneva Conventions should be amended to permit use of the rack, the gibbet, the iron maiden, the noogie and the wedgie.

When others caved to the wimp lobby, I stood firm to defend our Second Amendment right to carry concealed flamethrowers.

My opponent contends that I am too cozy with powerful lobbyists. That is absurd. The record will show that when Jack Abramoff asked for a mulligan on the 17th hole at St. Andrews, I refused on principle. He triple-bogeyed. Jack is still sore about it.

My opponent claims that, if I am reelected, we will see more war, more political division, more economic inequality, more erosion of our social fabric. But notice that he never says why that would be a bad thing. His rhetoric is empty.

Critics have claimed that I have character issues. That is a lie. I have never, to my knowledge, made a mistake of any kind that I could not plausibly deny. It is true that, as a young man, I often wore a white sheet and a hood with eyeholes cut out, but that was the fashion of the time. I have always worked diligently to meet the high standards that I set for myself and which are required by my probation officer.

It is not true that a vote for me is a vote for "more of the same," as my opponent claims. No, a vote for me is a vote for much, much more of the same. Like, the same deluxe. The same with cheese on top.

In fact, that would be a good campaign slogan. Fits on a bumper sticker. The Same With Cheese! That, my friends, is who I am and what I'm all about. May God bless America!

By Joel Achenbach  |  October 28, 2006; 7:45 AM ET
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