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The Hideous Nightmare of Wet Leaves

Fallen leaves are charming until wet. Then they become invasive, binding to shoes, marching into the house, infiltrating every room. They demonstrate that the saying "the outdoors is the new indoors" is 180 degrees wrong. Wet leaves will follow you into bed. They will get in your breakfast cereal. They will nest in your hair. They will stick to your tongue. They proliferate in a protozoic frenzy. You wind up wasting half the day just raking the living room.

The one upside of the whole thing is that we've discovered that the leaf blower also works great on hair.

There are those who argue that the worst leaves are the maples -- thin, limp, prone to developing a saran-wrap stickiness. I'd argue that the willow oaks are the worst, because a mature tree can produce roughly 97 billion trillion jillion leaves. And don't get me started on acorns! [Separate rant.]

The problem is gravest in the leafy inner suburbs. The big trees are objects of pride until they begin to shed. The blizzards of leaves can get so bad that they show up on Doppler radar and make the 5 o'clock news. They become weather.

Obviously it creates some awkward situations. Let's say you're in a face-to-face meeting with a fellow who happens to have a wet leaf stuck to his forehead. What do you do?

First, you should clear your throat loudly and gently wag a finger at his problem. If he doesn't respond, clear your throat again, and tap your own forehead. If he still doesn't get it, you should say something like, "So how old is your tulip poplar?" Or: "How's your mulch pile?" Keep trying until he gets the hint.

You might say something like, "I don't think it's right that so many people are taking leaves of absence."

You may need to put extra emphasis on the key words, as in, "I hear that Viking fellow Leif Erikson was something of a rake."

And surely this will get through to him: "The president calls himself the Decider, but I don't think he's very deciduous."

--

[Check out the Post's interview with my buddy John Menditto of the East Coast Migrant Head Start Project.]

By Joel Achenbach  |  November 14, 2006; 11:48 AM ET
 
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Comments

Oh how I pine for the comments to begin. And please don't let them be trunk-ated (sic).

Posted by: Punny | November 14, 2006 12:20 PM | Report abuse

Or you could uncoil the fire hose from its hallway cabinet and helpfully remove the offending leaf...

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 12:24 PM | Report abuse

Punny, keep that up and you'll get beech-slapped.

Posted by: Achenbach | November 14, 2006 12:31 PM | Report abuse

Achenbach, you leaf me in stitches.

Weak, I know, but I am trying to work here. I slip to the boodle whenever I am waiting. Its a ridiculous way to pretend I am busy.

Posted by: dr | November 14, 2006 12:32 PM | Report abuse

Is this a lief motif?

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 12:33 PM | Report abuse

If we can't keep this up, we'll be left in the larch...

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 12:34 PM | Report abuse

I thought the allegation was that he was in a coniferous of silence?

Posted by: SonofCarl | November 14, 2006 12:34 PM | Report abuse

I wood acorn this boodle now if I could;
Don't maple me pine for my tree-mail now.

Posted by: Wilbrodog | November 14, 2006 12:39 PM | Report abuse

Assignments 2a and 3b. Revise these broadway standards for the fall raking season.

2a:
Food Glorious Food from _Oliver Twist_
(here is the first three lines as a prompt)

Leaves glorious leaves
Red Maple and Gum Wood

......


3b:
"I'm Gunna Wash that Man Right Outa my Hair" (Mitzi Gaynor's shampoo song from _South Pacific)

--
As usual grammar and spelling count save for poetic squeezing of lyric to line.

Good Luck, should you accept this assigment. This assignment will self-descrict in sixty seconds.

Cue: smoke
Cue: music
Credit: Lalo Schifrin for the original MI theme.


Posted by: College Parkian | November 14, 2006 12:40 PM | Report abuse

Oh jeeeeeez, I'm getting decrepit...

I actually SANG "Food Glorious Food" in a community production oh, a little more than 30 years ago, but I can't remember the lines!!! *sobbing*

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 12:46 PM | Report abuse

//As usual grammar and spelling count save for poetic squeezing of lyric to line//
CP- Does this rule commonly apply to limericks?

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 12:49 PM | Report abuse

*rapidly drying eyes*

Front page alert!!

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 12:49 PM | Report abuse

I am too old for this, but I must make a confession. There are five (5) willow oaks in my yard, and many willow oaks in the neighborhood. Their leaves are a scourge in autumn. But I love their little acorns. From my youth I have loved stepping on willow oak acorns because they make such a good crunching pop!

Yes, yes, I know it's silly. My rationale, now that I am a mature adult, is that the more acorns I destroy, the fewer there will be for the squirrels, who will have to move elsewhere for food and not dig in my husband's lovingly-maintained lawn.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Posted by: slyness | November 14, 2006 12:50 PM | Report abuse

I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
And send elm on his way.

I'm gonna blow that beech right outa my pile.
I'm gonna blow that beech right outa my pile.
I'm gonna blow that beech right outa my pile.
And send elm on his way.

Don't try to rake it up.
Tear it up, tear it up!
hose it out, burn it out.
blow it out, truck it out.
Cancel fall and let it go!
Yeah, sister!

I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
And send elm on his way.

If a larch don't understand you,
If you leaf on separate times,
Waste no rake, make a change,
Chop that larch right off your range.
Rub elms out of the roll call,
And drum oaks out of your dreams.

If you leaf at different colors,
If you root in different yards,
Waste no time, weep no more,
Show him what the axe is for.
Rub elms out of the roll call,
And drum oaks out of your dreams.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
I'm gonna rake, wash, blow, hose
The oak right outa my hair
I'm gonna hose, wash, blow, burn
The oak right outa my hair

Don't try to rake it up.
Tear it up, tear it up!
hose it out, burn it out.
blow it out, truck it out.
Cancel fall and let it go!
Yeah, sister!

I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
I'm gonna wash that oak right outa my yard,
And send elm on his way.
And send elm on his way..
I'm gonna send elm, send elm on his way.

I had to look it up-- I'm sure this is not going to get me an A++

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 12:52 PM | Report abuse

slyness;

I thought you were sticking to the leaves (or vice versa)...

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 12:53 PM | Report abuse

Well, I'm just going leaf well enough alone. And please don't needle me. It's a bit mulch. Seriously, (yeah, right!) the leaves are bad enough. It's when the trees themselves start to fall that I get upset. We got grazed by a big oak taken out by a thunderstorm in July. It nearly destroyed our neighbor's house. And if you can believe it, restoration work is just now beginning. Homeowner's insurance?? Sure! It's OK until you actually need it.

Posted by: ebtnut | November 14, 2006 12:54 PM | Report abuse

Ah, looks like the boodle is leafing the thorny issues of angiosperm vs. gymnosperm couplings.

What a re-leaf. The willowing was getting a bit mossy.

Posted by: nelson | November 14, 2006 12:54 PM | Report abuse

SCC:

I'm gonna rake, wash, blow, hose
The oak right outa my hair
I'm gonna hose, wash, blow, burn
The oak right outa my hair


Should be:

I'm gonna rub, wash, blow, burn
The oak right outa my yard
I'm gonna hose, wash, blow, burn
The oak right outa my yard

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 12:56 PM | Report abuse

To refresh Scottynuke's boyhood memory:

Is it worth the waiting for?
If we live 'til eighty-four
All we ever get is gru...el!
Ev'ry day we say our prayer --
Will they change the bill of fare?
Still we get the same old gru...el!
There's not a crust, not a crumb can we find,
Can we beg, can we borrow, or cadge,
But there's nothing to stop us from getting a thrill
When we all close our eyes and imag...ine

Food, glorious food!
Hot sausage and mustard!
While we're in the mood
Cold jelly and custard!
Pease pudding and saveloys!
What next is the question.
Rich gentlemen have it, boys:
In-di-gestion!

Food, glorious food!
We're anxious to try it.
Three banquets a day --
Our favourite diet!
Just picture a great big steak --
Fried, roasted or stewed.
Oh, food,
Wonderful food,
Marvellous food,
Glorious food.

Food, glorious food!
What is there more handsome?
Gulped, swallowed or chewed --
Still worth a king's ransom!
What is it we dream about?
What brings on a sigh?
Piled peaches and cream, about
Six feet high!

Food, glorious food!
Eat right through the menu.
Just loosen your belt
Two inches and then you
Work up a new appetite.
In this interlude --
Then food,
Once again, food
Fabulous food,
Glorious food!

Food, glorious food!
Don't care what it looks like:
Burned, underdone, crude --
Don't care what the cook's like.
Just thinking of growing fat --
Our senses go reeling.
One moment of knowing that
Full-up feeling!

Food, glorious food!
What wouldn't we give for
That extra bit more --
That's all that we live for.
Why should we be fated to
Do nothing but brood
On food,
Magical food,
Wonderful food,
Marvellous food,
Fabulous food,
Beautiful food,
Glorious food!

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 12:59 PM | Report abuse

s'nuke -- to what article or headline are you referring?

S. Africa legalizes gay marriage? Lame Duck congress wings it? Or that Harry Reid is going to reestablish the legislative branch? With new spring leaves, i would guess.

Posted by: nelson | November 14, 2006 12:59 PM | Report abuse

My stomach just rumbled like a leaf-blower. Gotta make lunch.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 1:00 PM | Report abuse

nelson;

WE'RE on the front page, of course!

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 1:01 PM | Report abuse

I chop down trees
I skip and jump
I love to press wildflowers
I put on womens clothing
And hang around in bars
(Chorus)
Oh. I'm a lumberjack
And I'm OK
I sleep all night
And I work all day.
....3rd verse,Monty Python's Lumberjack Song

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 1:04 PM | Report abuse

Oh.

Yeah, if I looked long enough I would have seen the link. Really, I would have.

Can't see the tree due to the forest. And all those cussed leaves!

Posted by: nelson | November 14, 2006 1:06 PM | Report abuse

All of these puns have left me out on a limb with a knotty problem, Joel.

How do we stop all these pun-loving nuts before they beechbirch your good name?

Wood you ENTertain the blossoming and branching of flowery punnish prose, or open a can of whoop-ash on us all?

bc
[Still trying to figure out how to get "magnolia" in there. I haven't trunk it through.]

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 1:08 PM | Report abuse

I wonder how many pet snakes are named "Oliver Twist?"

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 1:09 PM | Report abuse

Them leaf blowers are a nuisance. It's been raining for 40 days and 40 nights around here yet some idiots are trying to blow-dry the sodden mess and blow it away. This stupid waste of gasoline ruffles my fir.

Posted by: ShriekingDog | November 14, 2006 1:09 PM | Report abuse

bc;

Please don't bring Ents into this; they'd just call up the Huorns and then we'd all be kindling.

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 1:12 PM | Report abuse


In the town there was a pile of leaves all maple and all red
Many men had tried to rake them and that many men had fled
They were wet and they were sticky, they were falling by the score
And the number of the quitters numbered one and nineteen more
One and nineteen more

Wasn't long before the story was relayed to our good friend RD
But the leaves weren't quaking, men that tried before to their jeopardy
Twenty men had tried to rake that lawn twenty men had called it quits
Twenty one would be the suburban with the big rake in his mitts
Big rake in his mitts

There was several feet of leaves piled up when they stopped to make their play
And the swiftness of our friend RD is still talked about today
The leaves had not started rotting before he began his awesome blitz
And he made quick work of all those leaves with the big rake in his mitts
Big rake in his mitts

It was over in a moment and the folks had gathered round
There before them lay a pile of leaves, bagged neatly on the ground
Oh they might have went on blowin', but they made some fatals slips
When they went against our friend RD with the big rake in his mitts
Big rake in his mitts

Posted by: SonofCarl | November 14, 2006 1:21 PM | Report abuse

ShriekingDog -- I'm with you 120% on the crazy leaf-blowers.

The noise they make has me quaking under the bed. The waste (not to mention the smell) of all that gas leafs me once again questioning the so-called intelligence on humans. Whatever happened to that tool called "the rake"?

I like the leaf piles. they provide me with excellent camouflage in my new war with neighboring cats.

Hey wilbrodog. 'Sup? What's it like to be a unicorn?

bc -- nelson, a trained botanist, is very jealous of your ability to throw so many tree names into a few sentences. She's sitting here in a state of rapt concentraion, trying to think of cool botanical latin phrases that would blow away the other boodlers. But I think her brain got stuck in between 1st and 2nd gears.

so I took control of the keyboard. tee hee hee!!

Whoops -- the leaves are blowing the in the wind -- time to go out and play! see y'all later.

Posted by: Hannah the Cat | November 14, 2006 1:24 PM | Report abuse

Just pecan in between meetings. Joel, I think this might be the most poplar kit yet.

Posted by: Yoki | November 14, 2006 1:24 PM | Report abuse

Right, forgot k-guy, which reminds me: wasn't there another director-guy, beginning with a 'S' IIRC?

Posted by: omni | November 14, 2006 1:25 PM | Report abuse

Pls credit the original for the parody-impaired, SoC.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 1:25 PM | Report abuse

SoC -- wonderful!

Posted by: nelson | November 14, 2006 1:26 PM | Report abuse

Wilbrod, you are a mind reader! Please don't post anymore of my thoughts, though. Okay?

Posted by: ticklishturtletoe | November 14, 2006 1:26 PM | Report abuse

Wilbrod, Marty Robbins - Big Iron

Posted by: SonofCarl | November 14, 2006 1:27 PM | Report abuse

omni -- wasn't there also a PLS? didn't she come to a BPH once?

You also forgot lone mule . . . :-)

Posted by: nelson | November 14, 2006 1:28 PM | Report abuse

Being an unicorn is cool when you're outdoors, not so cool indoors, Hannah the Cat. But you understand that.

Wilbrod is trying to litter the blog with puns, too, but all the tree stuff keep leafing out of the mind, leaving Wilbrod with nothing but moldy debris.
That's what trees do in fall!

Tell nelson that the answer is blowing in the wind.


Posted by: Wilbrodog | November 14, 2006 1:31 PM | Report abuse

Bark Bark Bark
Is that a dogwood?

Posted by: Buddy999 | November 14, 2006 1:39 PM | Report abuse

Most people have been seduced by such agitprop figures as Joyce Kilmer and that Lorax creature into thinking that trees are nice. But consider, if you will, the hard unvarnished truth about trees. Especially their merciless exploitation of the leaves.

Each spring a new crop of leaves arrives - green, verdant, and full of enthusiastic naiveté. Hard-working leaves capable of performing complex biochemical processes the intricacies of which still elude practitioners of Science. Leaves that do their job for the entire summer without a single word of encouragement from their wooden overlords.

And then, in the Fall, when all the youth and vitality has been sucked out of the leaves, what do the trees do? They callously toss them away. To fester. And rot. And form a thick layer, which societal pressures mandate must be picked up by lest the leaves damage the lawn, clog the storm drains, or engulf small children.

And to make matters worse, just when a hard-working suburbanite, who would much rather be inside watching the Redskins lose, has finally finished gathering the poor leaves up for a proper burial, these sadistic trees unleash yet another herbaceous barrage.

All of this has been known to cause grown men to fall to their knees and curse the branches above until they are lead gently away and soothed with some nice hot chocolate generously spiked with peppermint schnapps.

So I entreat you to hate not the leaves. They are but innocent victims of a callous system.

"tis the trees I blame.

The evil, evil, trees.

Posted by: RD Padouk | November 14, 2006 1:40 PM | Report abuse

Washington has crisp fall weather, at least sometimes. Portland, Oregon becomes rainy by the time leaves have fallen. They never dry out. And the city government doesn't pick them up. So in an upscale old neighborhood like Eastmoreland (next to Reed College), the leaves turn to mush in the streets and driveways. Thick brown slippery mush.

Posted by: Dave of the Coonties | November 14, 2006 1:41 PM | Report abuse

thanks wilbrodog for you're input. nelson got tired of trying to keep up with the wittier boodlers. She couldn't think of one Quercus, Liquidambar, Acer or Betula pun to save her sorry soul.

so she left to go buy paint. says she'll check in later. Wishes she had a magic unicorn to get all the work done around the new place. Or an Ent. Treebeard would be a great help!

Posted by: Hannah the Cat | November 14, 2006 1:43 PM | Report abuse

I also wish to let it sap that BC is probably a son-of-a-gum tree, and that his daddy was a pistil. They're still finding all the catlapas that he rustled once upon a thyme.
It's nut a Lychee that bc's awfally fond of drag raking; he needs that horse chestnut power, it flows through his veins like bloodrot when he gets those en- ginseng like a nightingale, and he can cypress the petal to the medal and have the firs screech. It shivers his timber no end.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 1:44 PM | Report abuse

RD, see my 1:21 - my tribute to your tribulations.

Posted by: SonofCarl | November 14, 2006 1:46 PM | Report abuse

SCC: bloodroot. All other horrible puns are unscc'able.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 1:47 PM | Report abuse

Thanks SofC!

Posted by: RD Padouk | November 14, 2006 1:48 PM | Report abuse

Of course, now BC is going to claim this is a bunch of fleur-a-lis and that I owe him a xylem bucks for defoliation of character.


Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 1:49 PM | Report abuse

.. To that, I say I gotta the pitcher plants to prove it, BC.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 1:50 PM | Report abuse

SCC: Lead should be LED. Why do I keep doing this?

Posted by: RD Padouk | November 14, 2006 1:51 PM | Report abuse

I'm sorry to hear that Nelson's feeling betulant. Yes, those puns are a little acer-bic for me as well.

Posted by: Wilbrodog | November 14, 2006 1:53 PM | Report abuse

So far, the posts have been very pithy.
A veritable windfall of puns.
I'd like to think of a few more myself but I'm stumped.

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 1:54 PM | Report abuse

The writing in the first paragraph alone is sheer brilliance, matched by the rest of the Kit, and brilliance begat brilliance. Ho ho! I wood add to the puns but I canna.

RD, remember, evil trees cause global warming. And forest fires.

Back from one pointless meeting, off to another.

Posted by: Ivansmom | November 14, 2006 1:54 PM | Report abuse

Speaking of which, those puns are rather mucky, slimy, moldy, and they STINK.

Yes... I must roll in them! Hooray!

*Being dragged away, out of the door from the computer*

*Sniggers to himself: "Finally, a way to get that walk, NOW!"*


Posted by: Wilbrodog | November 14, 2006 1:58 PM | Report abuse

Speaking of which, those puns are rather mucky, slimy, moldy, and they STINK.

Yes... I must roll in them! Hooray!

*Being dragged away, out of the door from the computer*

*Snickers to himself: "Finally, a way to get that walk, NOW!"*


Posted by: Wilbrodog | November 14, 2006 1:59 PM | Report abuse

I came back from lunch to the last kit but it seems I was barking up the wrong tree.

Posted by: Kerric | November 14, 2006 2:01 PM | Report abuse

I have to add my vegetable debris to this growing pile of well composted manure.

I'm trying to work in a tamarack reference here but it keeps getting stuck in my larix.

Some advice from Linden B. Johnson for GWB regarding the reconstruction of Iraq:
"Any jackass can kick down a barn but it takes a good carpenter to build one"

When Halle Berry burst into tears at the Golden Globes a couple of years back she was a weeping willowy actress.

Posted by: Shrieking Denizen | November 14, 2006 2:02 PM | Report abuse

I'm not so punny, but I can say that hubby and I walked last night. We always seem to get out on Mondays and have to dodge the garbage cans, recycling bins, and yard waste, as Tuesday is our neighborhood's pickup day.

Highest number of bags of leaves stacked at the street in front of one house for pickup: 36.

Posted by: slyness | November 14, 2006 2:03 PM | Report abuse

In tribute to our Canuckistani friends, I offer up this arboreal allegory from Rush (the band, not the right-wing blowhard):

"There is unrest in the forest,
There is trouble with the trees,
For the maples want more sunlight
And the oaks ignore their pleas.

The trouble with the maples,
(And they're quite convinced they're right)
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light.
But the oaks can't help their feelings
If they like the way they're made.
And they wonder why the maples
Can't be happy in their shade.

There is trouble in the forest,
And the creatures all have fled,
As the maples scream "Oppression!"
And the oaks just shake their heads

So the maples formed a union
And demanded equal rights.
"The oaks are just too greedy;
We will make them give us light."
Now there's no more oak oppression,
For they passed a noble law,
And the trees are all kept equal
By hatchet, axe, and saw."

I'll just leaf yew alone now.

Posted by: yellojkt | November 14, 2006 2:04 PM | Report abuse

Annie, if you're still out there, I wish you would stay. I enjoyed reading your comments.

As to raking leaves, I've done it twice, and both piles are sitting in the yard. After raking, I cannot move the leaves. I am so out of breath, I just come in and sit down. Now there's a nice breeze blowing, so I suspect they will get moved, but probably back in the same place.

And Slyness, I love walking on acorns too.

Posted by: Cassandra S | November 14, 2006 2:05 PM | Report abuse

Our leaves our long gone. We have a skinny ash tree in our front yard that my wife despises. It doesn't flower in the Spring. It doesn't give any shade in the Summer. And in the Fall, right around the first week of October, all the leaves turn a sickly yellow and drop all at once.

They have been scooped up and scattered on the "tree protection area" behind our house. Good riddance.

Posted by: yellojkt | November 14, 2006 2:10 PM | Report abuse

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wingnut

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 2:13 PM | Report abuse

Between meetings.

I think Wilbrod's cut me down to size.

I'm just a big sap and cone't think of anything moss to say.

Well, anything that isn't of prune-rient interest. Go FIGure.

Think olive well enough alone.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 2:21 PM | Report abuse

C'mon, folks, try the punning.
It's peachy.

It'll cherrya right up.

And not just one, try a pear.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 2:25 PM | Report abuse

If you rake your leaves ( or grass clippings) onto a tarpaulin or old sheet you can easily drag them to a dumping area or slip a bag under the sheet and over the leaves.
I wouldn't dream of raking leaves myself, of course. I blow them into a pile with my lawnmower. They're mulched and ready for composting.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 14, 2006 2:26 PM | Report abuse

All this punning makes me tired; I feel myself getting alder.

Posted by: Yoki | November 14, 2006 2:30 PM | Report abuse

Everyones ability to pun has made me realize my short comings, I am just deadwood.

Posted by: dmd | November 14, 2006 2:36 PM | Report abuse

yellojkt, I was just waiting for you or Scottynuke to post that (2:04 PM).

I'm glad that my daughters can't screech "Oppression!" like Geddy can. Naturally, they'd have their fists in the air, too.

bc


Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 2:37 PM | Report abuse

It's ok to grow alder Yoki, we have respect for our elders.

Posted by: Shrieking Denizen | November 14, 2006 2:38 PM | Report abuse

Great, just when we get a kit that brings out the humor I am expected to do something called work. I swear, life is so unfair...

Posted by: omni | November 14, 2006 2:41 PM | Report abuse

Punning is elmentary.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 2:41 PM | Report abuse

Neil Peart (drummer Rush) - giving drum lessons to Rick Mercer, still haven't found a way to direct link the videos on this site.

http://www.cbc.ca/mercerreport/

Posted by: dmd | November 14, 2006 2:42 PM | Report abuse

I got so corked last night I yuccaed.
I wasn't very poplar with the copse.

Posted by: Caucasian Wingnut999 | November 14, 2006 2:51 PM | Report abuse

This is more fun than discussions about kids born out of hemlock.

Posted by: Shrieking Denizen | November 14, 2006 2:58 PM | Report abuse

//You might say something like, "I don't think it's right that so many people are taking leaves of absence."//

I took leave of abstinence years ago.

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 3:00 PM | Report abuse

Although Mitzi Gaynor played Nellie Forbush in the movie, I have always identified the role with Mary Martin, from the original stage production.

Posted by: LTL-CA | November 14, 2006 3:01 PM | Report abuse

*humming "Take Off" as I bow in yellojkt's general direction*

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 3:01 PM | Report abuse

Oops sorry, that was a clear cut example of a malapropism, I'm coconuts.

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 3:06 PM | Report abuse

The big sycamore in the front yard has big, leathery leaves that take a lot processing -- I chop them up with the lawn mower to get them down to manageable bulk. A big labor-saver is the Santa Ana winds at this time of year. First, they detach leaves from the tree. Second, they make the leaves disappear! I don't know where they go, but they don't stay in the yard.

Posted by: LTL-CA | November 14, 2006 3:13 PM | Report abuse

hoja hojas árbol
feuille feuilles arbre
Blatt Blätter Baum
foglio fogli albero

That's all I got: leaf leaves tree

Surely some can pun a haiku.

Posted by: omni | November 14, 2006 3:14 PM | Report abuse

I may post something later, need to spruce it up a bit.

Or, I'll assign it to one of my buds while I twiggle my thumbs.

SD, nice one with the hemlock.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 3:15 PM | Report abuse

Actually, I'm pine-ing that Wilbrod's been such an aspen in mahogany-ing so many puns.

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 3:15 PM | Report abuse

In addition to the leaf blower pet peeve is the garden hose to clean side walks. Seems every building in the town I work takes this approach. Never heard of a broom I guess. I tell you there ought to be a law to knock some sense into peoples heads.

Posted by: omni | November 14, 2006 3:19 PM | Report abuse

If someone bored Curmudgeon we could count his rings.

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 3:19 PM | Report abuse

dmd;

Very very very cool, and I'm very very very jealous of Mr. Mercer. I gotta win the lottery so I can pay for such a privelege.

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 3:23 PM | Report abuse

Boko999, I think plenty of people have bored that particular Sequoia.

Some of 'em right here in the Achenlog.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 3:24 PM | Report abuse

Thats what I thought when I saw it Scotty, Tom Sawyer remains one of the best drum solo's ever (do I sound biased)?

Posted by: dmd | November 14, 2006 3:27 PM | Report abuse

Tom Sawyer,I just got it! Har! Har!

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 3:34 PM | Report abuse

Violating the SCC, I think Boko999 means someone should board 'mudge. I'll just lumber along now.

Posted by: yellojkt | November 14, 2006 3:35 PM | Report abuse

Not in the slightest, dmd. *grin*

I do have to say "O Baterista" is a masterwork, but it's not really a solo, eh?

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 3:35 PM | Report abuse

That looks like a smaller version of the Industrial Revolution-sized drum kit I remember Peart touring with back in the day.

Until he stood up, all I could see was the stacks of toms, the blur of sticks, the shimmer of the various cymbals. Oh, and the bald spot.

Sorry for the tune cootie, all you long-time Rush fans...

And to bring it back on topic, if you don't like it, you can stick it.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 3:38 PM | Report abuse

I was always a fan of Kipling:

OF ALL the trees that grow so fair,
Old England to adorn,
Greater are none beneath the Sun,
Than Oak, and Ash, and Thorn.
Sing Oak, and Ash, and Thorn, good sirs,
(All of a Midsummer morn!)
Surely we sing no little thing,
In Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!
Oak of the Clay lived many a day,
Or ever Æneas began.
Ash of the Loam was a lady at home,
When Brut was an outlaw man.
Thorn of the Down saw New Troy Town
(From which was London born);
Witness hereby the ancientry
Of Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!

Yew that is old in churchyard-mould,
He breedeth a mighty bow.
Alder for shoes do wise men choose,
And beech for cups also.
But when ye have killed, and your bowl is spilled,
And your shoes are clean outworn,
Back ye must speed for all that ye need,
To Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!

Ellum she hateth mankind, and waiteth
Till every gust be laid,
To drop a limb on the head of him
That anyway trusts her shade:
But whether a lad be sober or sad,
Or mellow with ale from the horn,
He will take no wrong when he lieth along
'Neath Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!

Oh, do not tell the Priest our plight,
Or he would call it a sin;
But--we have been out in the woods all night,
A-conjuring Summer in!
And we bring you news by word of mouth--
Good news for cattle and corn--
Now is the Sun come up from the South,
With Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!

Sing Oak, and Ash, and Thorn, good sirs
(All of a Midsummer morn)!
England shall bide till judgment Tide,
By Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!

Posted by: lurkgineer | November 14, 2006 3:39 PM | Report abuse

Scottynuke, don't cast aspen-ations at Wilbrod. I dryad out those puns, being THE tree expert in this doghouse. All horehounds know the basils of sniffing.


Posted by: Wilbrodog | November 14, 2006 3:41 PM | Report abuse

//and I'm very very very jealous of Mr. Mercer.//
Scottynuke- Exactly how well do you "know" Mr. Mercer? Or do you mean envious?

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 3:42 PM | Report abuse

I love Kipling. I kiple all the time.

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 3:47 PM | Report abuse

Via Dictionary.com:

jeal‧ous  [jel-uhs]

-adjective 1. feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often fol. by of): He was jealous of his rich brother.
2. feeling resentment because of another's success, advantage, etc. (often fol. by of): He was jealous of his brother's wealth.

so I guess I should have said "jealous of Mr. Mercer's access to the Rush Batcave and personal proximity to Neil Peart, not to mention getting to sit in a drum kit next to Mr. Peart."

Yup, I resent that he got that access.

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 3:49 PM | Report abuse

I kibble all the time

Posted by: lurkgineerdog | November 14, 2006 3:50 PM | Report abuse

Snorting Dr. Pepper out of my nose at Boko's 3:42. Thank goodness I'm not at the White House, nor Boko in the same room as Scottynuke.

By the way, I think I have hypo-tea-ses for the mystery of man-flu:

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2077385.html?menu=

Men
1) Suffer leaf mold allergies from raking or
2) Subconsciously go into paroxysms of sneezing and achy joints whenever they see piles of leaves and call it flu.
3)are CONSCIOUSLY trying to get out of raking and into more football-game watching by claiming they're flu-zies. Gotta save up strength for snow-shovelling.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 3:50 PM | Report abuse

I don't know that anyone should root Mudge out and board him without referring it to an appropriate panel.

Don't want any vegelante justice.

Need to have a veneer of respectability, here folks. No stain on our reputation.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 3:50 PM | Report abuse

Yes, our reputations shouldn't be varnished any further. Or is it tarnished any feather?

Bc has me over a barrel now. I guess I'll have to cooper-ate with his shiptight arguments, because I'm in no mood to canvas the opposition to get their tack on things.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 3:56 PM | Report abuse

Not to say I particularly like the cut of Bc's jib around here. It's too Cutting.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 4:02 PM | Report abuse

Excuse me for being cuttysark just now.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 4:04 PM | Report abuse

JA - Me-thinks you should have nipped this boodle in the bud. It's all gone to pot.

Posted by: ebtnut | November 14, 2006 4:09 PM | Report abuse

Limericks can use the "fit the line" rule, so someone earlier.

(better not apply the grammar rule/spelling rule to me....)

This just in from Celibrity Truth dot com:

What Marlene D. REALLY said was:

Leaf me, alone.

Posted by: College Parkian | November 14, 2006 4:14 PM | Report abuse

I am sure that by now poor Joel regrets being the transpiration for all of these wooden puns. I mean, what stomata with olive yew?

Posted by: RD Padouk | November 14, 2006 4:27 PM | Report abuse

If it's doggrel time:

There was a dog who pined alone
Stuck between the window and his bone
Pondering whether to sing the blues
Or if he should by dreams amuse
Himself. waiting for Wilbrod to be done

(with this limb-erick, boodle, whatever!)

Posted by: Wilbrodog | November 14, 2006 4:27 PM | Report abuse

Scotty you are right, O Baterista, is a pretty amazing drum solo, not as familiar with anything Rush has done in the later years. Apart from his great drumming skills it was nice to see Neil Peart bounce back from the difficulties he faced after losing is wife and daughter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjhylyA_OR8

Posted by: dmd | November 14, 2006 4:28 PM | Report abuse

RD, we're just trying to keep our minds limber instead of lumber.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 4:30 PM | Report abuse

*Raving*
Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Ya gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
The vegetable will respond to you
Francis Zappa

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 4:45 PM | Report abuse

If George W. Bush is deciduous, then Alan Greenspan was, for a very long time, evergreen.

If Press Secretary Tony bailed out of a plane over Lebanon, would that be Snow falling on cedars?

Posted by: Loomis | November 14, 2006 4:50 PM | Report abuse

I have been trying to come up with something else all day. Leaf is as good as I get. But you ALL have me laughing, a lot.

Posted by: dr | November 14, 2006 4:55 PM | Report abuse

Wilbrod, you're being a nauticallady.

Now, I'm gonna take a ship and get outta here.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 4:57 PM | Report abuse

lurkgineer -- thanks for the kipling. very nice.

I lumbered over to Lowe's to acer-quire some paint for my deadwood planks -- upon which will stand the souls of many brave trees, passed into the good night -- giving their pulp so that pithy words -- full of timber and flower, gently held between leaves -- may grace my home again.

I never really listened to Rush -- but I was charmed by the lyrics posted above. A lot more to that band than I thought.

joel is probably hiding behind a large oak -- wishing he had leafed the leaves out of the kit. :-)

Posted by: nelson | November 14, 2006 4:58 PM | Report abuse

As I sat at my table of maple
My pancakes were lacking a staple
For the juice of a tree
I would trade my monkey
But I'd hang on to my Bactrian camel

DON'T ANYONE DARE!
http://www.rhymer.com/cgi-bin/rhymer2.cgi

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 5:00 PM | Report abuse

loomis -- great! Snow falling on cedars -- I love it!

Snow falling on Hezbollah . . .

W, of course is the deciduous Decider --

All his leaves have fallen off and he's not able to grow new ones.

Posted by: nelson | November 14, 2006 5:02 PM | Report abuse

Poor attempt at my first limerick:

There once was a leaf from an alder
that fell when fall gave a holler
on the lawn of a jake
who hated to rake
and left her 'til nature recalled her


P.S. Thanks Nelson. I grew up with Kipling.

Posted by: lurkgineer | November 14, 2006 5:11 PM | Report abuse

lurkgineer- Wow! What's he like. And how are you oldtimer?

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 5:20 PM | Report abuse

Jeezey peezy, I've been gone all day, I come home, I hop on the boodle--and discover 947 tree puns. And now I'm expected to come up with something new and different? Well, to quote Cherry Lee Lewis, "Goodness, gracious, great balsa fir!"

Ya got yer pun jokes. Ya got yer songs. Ya even got yer poems, some in plank verse. There is just no limbit to this boodle's creativity. In fact, I'd have to lilac a rug if I didn't admire some of these here puns. It's been palms away since the first posting and you've left me with nothing to work with. I'd just have to myrtle the English language to come up some of the crepe you people have inflicted on the Achenblog. Just acacia haven;t figured it out, I'm plum outa puns; just don't ask me to privet. I'd just make an ash out of myself. At this point I'm pretty mulch tung-tied, and ought to teak my whuppin', kumquat may.

Right, Padouk? (Ahem. Um, padouk being a kind of wood, of course.)

Posted by: Curmudgeon | November 14, 2006 5:28 PM | Report abuse

Birch Bayh for President!

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 5:31 PM | Report abuse

He reminds me of Curmudgeon.

Posted by: lurkgineer | November 14, 2006 5:31 PM | Report abuse

Kipling that is not Bayh.

Posted by: lurkgineer | November 14, 2006 5:33 PM | Report abuse

Too funny, 'Mudge!

Posted by: lurkgineer | November 14, 2006 5:37 PM | Report abuse

Mudge - I was hoping nobody would notice.

Posted by: RD Padouk | November 14, 2006 5:38 PM | Report abuse

If Andrew Jackson is Old Hickory, is Dick Cheney Hiuckory Dickory Hawk, or Hickory Dickory Lock-'em-up?

Been running around the past week prepping for the holidays. Still running. Ken Burns at Trinity U. tonight, Doro Bush Koch at a small indie bookstore tormorrow.

Posted by: Loomis | November 14, 2006 5:40 PM | Report abuse

Crape..myrtle!

Posted by: Loomis | November 14, 2006 5:42 PM | Report abuse

Well, you really knew better than that, didn't you, Padouk? This was holly predictable, in my view, even if it is somewhat lemontable. Here on the boodle, it's laurel for one and one for laurel.

(Makes me ask myself, coontie tell it was coming? Anyway, everyone knows the pun is the locust form of humus.)

Posted by: Curmudgeon | November 14, 2006 5:47 PM | Report abuse

My motto is Ash knot, want knot.

Great limerick, lurkgineer, and welcome!

Posted by: SonofCarl | November 14, 2006 5:54 PM | Report abuse

Cashew believe the puns today? It's enough to make a Mango consume some iboga at the beech and try to see the Tree of Heaven. No doubt my Dogwood like to Tagalong.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 14, 2006 5:54 PM | Report abuse

Has anyone yet noticed that tree puns come in three sizes, small, medium and larch?

Posted by: Curmudgeon | November 14, 2006 5:57 PM | Report abuse

The boodle seems to be channeling the shade of Hunter S. Thompson.

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 6:03 PM | Report abuse

Oops. That was me at 5:54.

Posted by: lurkgineer | November 14, 2006 6:05 PM | Report abuse

Yew made me love yew, I didn't wanna hew it, ya know ya made me hew it.

Or as Electric Light Orchestra might sing, "Don't bring me down, Spruce!"

Posted by: Curmudgeon | November 14, 2006 6:10 PM | Report abuse

Do you know "Oakie from Muskoakie"

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 6:14 PM | Report abuse

A young German rapper named Thom
was asked for the source of his song
"Well, I walk im der wald,
und my muse, she done called,
Jawohl, fo'shizzle it's the baum!"

Posted by: SonofCarl | November 14, 2006 6:15 PM | Report abuse

SoC;

Ow.

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 6:16 PM | Report abuse

dmd;

Yes indeed, as a Rush fan I owe Neil Peart a debt that cannot be repaid for overcoming such a tremendous tragedy.

*bowing in the general direction of YYZ*

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 14, 2006 6:21 PM | Report abuse

The local convienence store has closed for the evening and the nearest pack of cigarettes is a 20 minute drive away. I'm probably safe for now but I know I won't be able sleep tonight. I'm wearing a nicotine patch and I've got nicotine gum and a nicotine inhaler. I've quit more stuff than most people have started but this tobacco jones has me near beat.
More funny stuff now.

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 6:29 PM | Report abuse

Stop already! I'm helplessly leafin'! Chestnuts, all! Nuts!

If only the dogwood eat acorns.

There was was a yard looked so fine,
Oak blackjack elm maple and pine,
The autumn expended
The leaves they descended
The Kingdom of Leaf Mulch is mine.

Posted by: Ivansmom | November 14, 2006 6:37 PM | Report abuse

Looks like this boodle theme is jubjubing with yew.

I was live and she was thick
I rode on limbs made of sticks
I wore green and she wore brown
She would sway within her crown

Tum tum, Laurel Bay shot me down
Tum tum, that awful ground
Tum tum, Laurel Bay shot me down

Seasons came and changed the time
And we grew up, I called her fine
She would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to sway?"

"Tum tum, I shot you down
"Tum tum, you hit the ground"
"Tum tum, that awful ground"
"Tum tum, I used to shoot you down"

(My baby shot me down by Sonny & Cher- Mudge does it better. The tumtum tree is from Jabberwocky).

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 6:37 PM | Report abuse

SCC: should be "I was leaf and she was thick".

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 6:37 PM | Report abuse

There "once" was a yard -- don't ash me to type when I'm leafin'.

Posted by: Ivansmom | November 14, 2006 6:38 PM | Report abuse

But maybe you can shrub up your sassafras a bit, Ivansmom? You're getting a little thorny about your limestick.


Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 6:41 PM | Report abuse

SOC, Thanks for the welcome and I hope nobody minds me joining without Aspen.

Walnut to make Yew Sycamore puns, but I pined for Sumac like this b-Log for a while and it is nice to Hop into the fray. My PawPaw told me about this place and I figured to give it a whirl.

Posted by: lurkgineer | November 14, 2006 6:42 PM | Report abuse

yellojkt waits for his leaves to blow
While ivansmom's leaf piles still grow
The puns were a hoot
But for me, leaves are moot
To rake mine, you'll have to shovel through snow

Posted by: SonofCarl | November 14, 2006 6:45 PM | Report abuse

In hindsight, Joel may be glad he didn't write about whales, or we'd be writing about whales singing the blues because they're just humpbacks looking for the right whale.

Of course, that was before we thrrw the boodle doors open, sashayed in and said "give us a glass of sarsaparilla-- and make it a DIRTY glass."

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 6:47 PM | Report abuse

I cedar boodle has been punning mightily today, and you'd think that all these puns I've redwood be enough for one day, but I'm still ready for more, so keep 'em gumming! I've been laughing my ash off!

Posted by: ac in sj | November 14, 2006 6:49 PM | Report abuse

After all this silliness I am in the mood for some whiskey and branch water.

Posted by: RD Padouk | November 14, 2006 6:49 PM | Report abuse

Of course, the bartender said back:
"Smilax when you say that, Larkspur!"

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 6:54 PM | Report abuse

I'm kind of feeling in the mood for some
pumpkin (and on a stick).

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 6:59 PM | Report abuse

Hang in there Boko999. I hear that nicotine cravings can be pretty darn ill-tempered. But if you really feel you need to inhale some burnt leaves, well - ah heck. You can probably finish this lame joke yourself.

Posted by: RD Padouk | November 14, 2006 7:00 PM | Report abuse

...he shouldn't set his afro aglow from tobacco?

Maybe some aloe with willow bark tea would help the cravings?

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 7:02 PM | Report abuse

Just leafing through the boodle today. Please don't axe me to come up with any puns. As if I wood, anyway.

Posted by: TBG | November 14, 2006 7:07 PM | Report abuse

Speaking of tea, I think it's time to camilla this and call it a blight.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 7:08 PM | Report abuse

Did Mudge say to SF, "Make like a leaf and leave?

Posted by: maggie o'd | November 14, 2006 7:16 PM | Report abuse

I canna compeach with all the master punsters here, so I'll make like a tree and leave. It's what any good dogwood do, right?

omni, the other "director guy" was jarmuschguy. Among the dearly departed - bostonreader - and rarely seen - Bill the Ivory-billed Woodpecker - and LP, and Don from I-270, and probably many others that I'll wake up thinking about in the middle of the night. Yikes, this Achenaddiction is bad, almost as bad as tobaccy. Boko999, it helped me when I quit smoking to think "I don't want to smoke" as I was falling asleep, the theory being that you're in a suggestive state then. What really helped was that I got a terrible cold, could not smoke for about 5 days, and when I did, the cigarettes tasted weird. But it took several years to get over the craving. Keep trying!

Posted by: mostlylurking | November 14, 2006 7:28 PM | Report abuse

Wouldn't that be:

"C'est un boodle, n'est pas de bois pour le sauvage. Porquoi non fairez-vous comme des feuilles et sortez-vous?"

There is no pun in the French.


Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 7:32 PM | Report abuse

I pity the feuille.

Posted by: SonofCarl | November 14, 2006 7:45 PM | Report abuse

Me too.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 7:50 PM | Report abuse

Wilbrodog, we've been howling at everything we've red, bud, and now that we've typed that, we gingo.

Posted by: dbG's dogz | November 14, 2006 7:52 PM | Report abuse

SSC: ginkgo.

Posted by: dbG's dogz | November 14, 2006 7:53 PM | Report abuse

Merci, merci, une mille fueille merci!

Posted by: maggie o'd | November 14, 2006 7:59 PM | Report abuse

Savages should cover their wood with a leaf? When being rude wouldn't it be more effective to use the familiar mode? Just asking.
Thanks for the encouragement. I don't have have any willow tea but I've got acetaminophen to go along with all the nicotine replacements to ease the cravings.

Posted by: Boko999 | November 14, 2006 8:08 PM | Report abuse

Oh, excuse my French. It's not a language for me.

Posted by: WIlbrod | November 14, 2006 8:11 PM | Report abuse

During the many many many many times I have withdrawn from nicotine, for some reason taking the maximum recommended dose of vitamin E daily helps calm the physical withdrawal symptoms.

The mental triggers are a little harder to substitute; for keeping hands from being idle, knitting a complicated pattern cannot be beat; it requires just enough thought to keep the obsessive smoking thoughts away for a time, and enough busy hands that they don't automatically reach for something no longer there.

This is the perfect time of year for it too; I once knitted a baby-blanket for Paul Bunyon when it was 33 C and humid; not very pleasant!

Posted by: Yoki | November 14, 2006 8:31 PM | Report abuse

Boko - Wow, it's tough, ain't it? I'm going without (only about a mile away for me, but I'm not gonna go out, I'm not gonna go out...), and it's interesting (albeit rather uncomfortable) to observe myself dealing with withdrawal.

Oh, well. Lots of things are tough. We'll make it, one way or another.

Posted by: Bob S. | November 14, 2006 8:33 PM | Report abuse

(Horn)beam me up, Scotty!

Posted by: College Punchian | November 14, 2006 8:33 PM | Report abuse

Trees Lou-eeze, these puns are trees' knees.

Posted by: College Punchian | November 14, 2006 8:38 PM | Report abuse

And fir trees are shaped like:

the pointy tinfoil hat worn

by sciencey types.

---
Put a fork in me as I am very well-done.
---
Thanks for the fun day, imaginary friends in the 100 Achan Wood.

Sleep tight. Don't let the pine weevils bite.

Say your prayers to the great Ent in the Clouds.

Posted by: College Punchian | November 14, 2006 8:43 PM | Report abuse

Whales!? Argh! Now, who be talkin' about whales, now, maties? Wilbrod, 'twas thee, waren't it now? An' did I ever tell ye about the grayed wide whale? And how it played a role in me invenbtin' o' the signal flags? Well, pull up a bench and pour us another tot o' grog. See, twas back in 1847...

Posted by: Curmudgeon | November 14, 2006 9:08 PM | Report abuse

I could just take my tulips and give you all a great big sumac. I will too, if you don't sequoia down now.

Posted by: dr | November 14, 2006 9:14 PM | Report abuse

You guys TOTALLY forgot the nasty, dangerous "gum balls" from "sweet gum" trees. They are like God's ball bearings and when you step on one of these monsters barefoot you could lose your foot! Not to mention the fact that your trip down your sidewalk could be your last. How could the City of Alexandria think these trees are worthy to line their ancient and pristine streets? What grog were they on?

Posted by: Rachel | November 14, 2006 9:39 PM | Report abuse

You guys TOTALLY forgot the nasty, dangerous "gum balls" from "sweet gum" trees. They are like God's ball bearings and when you step on one of these monsters barefoot you could lose your foot! Not to mention the fact that your trip down your sidewalk could be your last. How could the City of Alexandria think these trees are worthy to line their ancient and pristine streets? What grog were they on?

Posted by: Rachel | November 14, 2006 9:39 PM | Report abuse

I can sea I'm in for a real fish story told in unintelligible sea argot by Mudgeville. *Going off to wail and shiver in a timber*

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 9:41 PM | Report abuse

And by the way, which one of you bloggers thought that composting and mulching should be accomplished with a leafblower?? Sort of miss the whole natural, earth- friendly composting theory, don't you?? By the way, there are no raked, composted or wet, soggy leaves here in the Promised Land, which is how it got its name!
Shalom from Tel Aviv!

Posted by: Rachel | November 14, 2006 9:50 PM | Report abuse

Rachel - I am always (every single time, day-after-day, year-after-year) startled (to the point of skipped heartbeats) whenever one of those things whacks my car when I'm inching up and down King Street!

Posted by: Bob S. | November 14, 2006 9:55 PM | Report abuse

And don't bother telling me I am right across the Mediterranean Sea from Cypress. I already know that!

Posted by: Rachel | November 14, 2006 9:57 PM | Report abuse

LOL at Bob.

Posted by: ticklishturtletoe | November 14, 2006 10:15 PM | Report abuse

Shalom, Rachel!

Tell me, is Wednesday going to be a good day? You've already experienced some of it. Is it off to a good start so far?

Posted by: ticklishturtletoe | November 14, 2006 10:19 PM | Report abuse

I think that I shall never shun
A joke as lowly as a pun.

A pun so homely it is strained
A word from which all meaning drained

A pun that hides from God all day
Because it knows it's not nice to prey

Upon some unsuspecting reader
Who goes to his left like Derek Jeter.

Puns are made by feuilles like us
But only Goethe wrote bon mots juste.

----------------------
Shalom, Rachel. Welcome to the boodle. Hope you'll schtick around.

Posted by: Curmudgeon | November 14, 2006 10:38 PM | Report abuse

Snif. Beautiful reading, Mudge.

Now for Taps

Fading light dims the sight
And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright
From afar drawing nigh,
Falls the night.

Day is done, gone the sun
From the lake, from the hills, from the sky
All is well, safely rest;
God is nigh.

Then goodnight, peaceful night;
Till the light of the dawn shineth bright.
God is near, do not fear,
Friend, goodnight.

Posted by: Wilbrod | November 14, 2006 11:18 PM | Report abuse

Hi Rachel!

Trying to make one last pun about bananna and palm, but all I'm coming up with are dirty jokes. I've bamboozled myself.

Going to have to submit myself to a good caning. Or at least a cropping.

bc

Posted by: bc | November 14, 2006 11:42 PM | Report abuse

Glad I stopped by to read all the puns. You guys are so good...just peachy. My so, so serious post in the last kit was too much branching out for me. I needed to self-prune. A wind storm maybe. Promotes new growth. And I definitely don't have all the answers. Thanks for getting us all replanted Joel!

Posted by: Random Commenter | November 15, 2006 1:04 AM | Report abuse

So lovely to read your Taps post. I can sleep now.

Posted by: wilbrod | November 15, 2006 1:15 AM | Report abuse

I meant, Wilbrod, so lovely to read your Taps post. I must be sleepy.

Posted by: Random Commenter | November 15, 2006 1:17 AM | Report abuse

Von Drehle's column on our culture's obsession with youth and beauty made it to Arts & Letters Daily.

Posted by: LTL-CA | November 15, 2006 1:59 AM | Report abuse

Good morning, friends. Computer acting up so if I get missing, you will know what happened. Silliness is everywhere in this kit. You folks have lost your minds.

dbG, the list is perfect. I can't do emails, but thanks again.

Good morning, Slyness, Error Flynn, and Nani. *waving*

The g-girl is not here, and it is lonesome without her. She went to visit an aunt, but will be back today. Just giving grandma a much needed break. She's three-years old, and such a handful. I wish I could see my grandsons, and talk with them, and do stuff with them too. They're getting to be big guys, probably don't want to hang around with grandma.

I hope all of you have a wonderful day, and that it is blessed for you and family. With the holiday right around the corner, will any and all cook that turkey dinner or does your plans lean more to eating with someone else? As I get older, the idea of cooking leaves me so flat. I've done enough of it in my lifetime, I really don't want to do any more. My dad and his sister are doing the honors this year, so I will head there. I did ask if I could bring anything, and was told, to just bring my appetite. Can't get any better than that.

Prayers have been said this morning, and blessings and joy asked for you and yours in that you and I will come to know that God loves us so much more than we can imagine through Him that died for all, Jesus Christ.

Posted by: Cassandra S | November 15, 2006 5:04 AM | Report abuse

'Morning, Cassandra.

Really good Harold Meyerson column today, at http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/14/AR2006111401225.html. This one's a keeper, and needs to form the core argument of the 2008 election campaign.

Nancy Pelosi has completely botched her very first act of office over the John Murtha thing (ses Ruth Marcus's column); in fact, I think Steny Hoyer should run not for Majority Leader but for Speaker of the House to replace her. (Fair disclosure: I live in Hoyer's district and have known him for years, though that has nothing to do with the basis of my opinion.) I think Hoyer's going to win the ML slot tomorrow anyway. But what a lousy way to launch the 2006 election victory. Yes, it'd be nice to have a woman Speaker of the House, yadda yadda, but not just as some kind of tokenism; that's as bad as black Dems who voted for Michael Steele just because he is black. Tokenism is tokenism. To the extent that Pelosi is a polarizing figure, I'd just as soon she and Hoyer exchanged jobs: let him be Speaker of the House and let her be Majority Leader.

Posted by: Curmudgeon | November 15, 2006 6:27 AM | Report abuse

Good Morning all, great job on the puns. Welcome Rachel. Exciting morning we are going to have some sun today, it will make a brief appearance and then according to the weather report disappear again at least through next Monday. Will have to enjoy it while its here.

Posted by: dmd | November 15, 2006 7:06 AM | Report abuse

Morning, Cassandra! Lucky you not to have to cook for Thanksgiving...yeah, Mudge, that column was one of Meyerson's best. Welcome, Rachel, hope you can hang with us! Enjoy the sun while you can, dmd. We've had a several very nice days here in the Carolinas, but today's forecast calls for up to 2 inches of rain.

The puns yesterday were much fun and I deeply appreciated the diversion. We woke up to find that our storage shed and my husband's trailer had been broken into. All that's missing is the chainsaw, but what a pain to deal with the police (over the phone, they don't come out unless the house is broken into). AND I had my annual physical yesterday morning, so I needed to laugh!

Today will be better. All I have to do is get my flu shot. At least it's free...

Posted by: slyness | November 15, 2006 7:19 AM | Report abuse

Just came across this at huffingtonpost.com:

"We Are Not Just Cutting Costs": Shakeup, Belt-Tightening At Washington Post

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eat-the-press/2006/11/14/we-are-not-just-cutting-_e_34134.html

I just hope they don't pull a New York Times and start charging for online access. That was the main reason I switched to WaPo for my news and commentary.

Posted by: martooni | November 15, 2006 7:45 AM | Report abuse

speaking of burning evil leaves, my wife and I were required to take a smoking awareness class last night sponsered by fairfax County Public Schools. (don't ask) The class was scheduled for 2 hours and before I attended, I was thinking: What could they possibly talk about for a solid 2 hours on an anti-smoking theme?

The lady giving the lecture, by her voice, seemed extremely nervous, like this was her first time speaking in public. At first, she struck me as naive. Usually I can gauge if someone has been a member of the pot-smoking crowd by the way they annunciate the words pot or marijuana, and when she got to that part of the lecture, I concluded that I was listening to somebody that had no first-hand experience with the subject she was teaching.

The timid lady was extremely knowledgable about the subject. She went over all the tobacco forms; cigarettes, cigars, chewing tobacco, chives, flavored blunts... along with the specific cancers and how to recognize the development thereof. She talked about how these products were being marketed specifically to teenagers and how manufactures enhanced their products with other toxons to maximize the nicotine absorbtion to accelerate the addiction process. Also, practical advice such as taking your kid to the dentist if you know he has a chewing tobacco habit to look for signs of developing cancers.

then the lecture moved on to the marijuana discussion. We were shown samples of bongs, hukas, bowles, smoking stones, roach clips, pipes, flavored rolling papers, and a variety of disguised smoking utensils. Many of which can be easily manufactured by simple household items such as tinfoil, toilet paper rolls, faucet screens... I was going to volunteer the simple soda can... Anyway, nothing new here in the last quarter century.

Then the alcohol part, which came with thorough descriptions of popular drinking games, most of which are designed to intoxicate a newbie, most desirable being that of a young girl by older, more experienced male partiers. A cell phone flask was passed around. Apparently they are becoming popular gifts that can be purchased at most department stores.

Then came the educational part on how kids are visiting web sites to look up the amount of over-the-counter medications they need to overdose on based on their age, weight, gender in able to achieve the desired hallucinary effects.

Kids are going to hospitals because they "shook the can" and sprayed their lungs with Pam from trying to inhale the aerosol content. Kids also go into grocery stores like Safeway and inhale the NO2 for 15 seconds of dizziness, and leave the dead can on the shelf.

then came the "peak" of the lecture. Crystal Meth as it's called. I could hear the dozen or so people there gasp as before/after pictures were shown of what were once very beautiful young girls, and how they changed into ugly, desperate looking creatures with lesions on their faces. All this in a matter of months.

And it got worse, details spared.

I left with a sickening twang in my stomach. reminded me of the movie Clockwork Orange.

I learned something very interesting. the 2 top reasons teenagers say they smoke:
1. Relief from stress.
2. relief from boredom.

I'm pulling for you boko999. It's gonna hurt, but you can do it. the worst thing I found from breaking the tobacco addiction was the sudden, unexplained flashes of anger. Good luck!

Posted by: Pat | November 15, 2006 7:52 AM | Report abuse

Hey Pat! Good to hear from you.

slyness;

I'm sorry to hear about the break-in, but considering what they took, at least you still have your trees (and leaves)! And yesterday was flu shot day in the office... Took me a minute or 10 to realize why so many people were sitting politely in the atrium.

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 15, 2006 8:08 AM | Report abuse

{to be read with an extreme southern accent]

...last time I saw Mary,
there she was, sittin'
'neath the syckeemore tree...
buckshots was flyin' all 'round my head
form the shotgun her old man
was aimin'at me...

Posted by: jack | November 15, 2006 8:37 AM | Report abuse

Yup, Snuke, no complaints although I do have chainsaw work for the hubby to do after Christmas. We'll see if he replaces it...will also be interesting to see if it shows up in a pawnshop around here. He had the serial number to give the police. New ordinance requires pawnshops to get a fingerprint and positive ID for all who pawn stuff.

When the house was broken into 7.5 years ago, turns out it was a 24 year old woman who lived a block over and her boyfriend. I wrote her a letter via the judge saying how astounded I was at their stupidity. I've seen her around but haven't talked to her because a condition of her probation was that she have no contact with us.

Posted by: slyness | November 15, 2006 8:40 AM | Report abuse

Pat,

That could not have been a fun evening.

When we went to visit Jack's class last week, I think the kids were surprised that one of the conditions of employment for the Fire Department is that the applicant not have used illegal drugs in the previous 12 months. Obviously they had never thought about the consequences. If my life depends on a firefighter's physical abilities, I don't want him/her to be stoned.

Posted by: slyness | November 15, 2006 8:54 AM | Report abuse

Linky new kit posted.

Posted by: Achenbach | November 15, 2006 8:56 AM | Report abuse

I'm glad to hear that your only loss was a chainsaw, slyness. Thivery is so unsettling. I wonder how strictly the pawn shop ordinance is enforced. Take care of yourselves

Posted by: jack | November 15, 2006 8:58 AM | Report abuse

Pat thanks for sharing your thoughts on the evening. Is that class for parents an info night in advance of what the children will learn in school? My daughter in grade six will go throught the drug and alcohol education program this year.

Abrupt change of topic just saw this article on O.J., about him going on Fox on a show entitled, If I Did It, Here's How It Happened. Can television sink any lower?

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061114.wojsimp1115/BNStory/Entertainment/home

Posted by: dmd | November 15, 2006 9:00 AM | Report abuse

slyness;

The dumb criminals don't worry me much. The smart ones, however...

:-)

Posted by: Scottynuke | November 15, 2006 9:00 AM | Report abuse

Snuke, they're all dumb, at some level.

Posted by: slyness | November 15, 2006 9:12 AM | Report abuse

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