Like everyone else I was not only gripped but also manhandled and bludgeoned by the 4-hour, 2-night, 20,000-death season premiere of "24," in which Jack Bauer has a typically busy morning stopping terrorist attacks and whispering portentously but fails to prevent a nuclear bomb going off because he chooses to take an uncharacteristic break for a bagel.

Obviously he was hungry after, what, two years in the Chinese prison? We all know what it's like to be jonesing for a bagel with a schmear, and under other circumstances the side-trip to Einstein Brothers would have been understandable. But this was not propitious in terms of time management, Jack's specialty. Next thing you know: Boom. Mushroom cloud. Numerous minor characters and extras instantly vaporized. What makes it all the more consternating is that Jack had already had a snack, having chomped the neck of a bad guy in a nifty escape-from-the-torture-chamber maneuver that we'll all surely be emulating.

(I thought it was pure genius on the part of the scriptwriter to have Jack bite the guy, spit out a hunk of flesh, and then smack his forehead and say, "I could have had a V8!")

Dave Barry has a full report, including this:

"Jack is afraid he might be going soft, because at one point he gave up on torturing a terrorist after stabbing him only once. (!) Also there is a subplot involving President Payton's sister, but it is very boring so far and mainly consists of dialogue from the Wooden Dialogue Generator, which was so active in the first two hours that many of the characters were bleeding from lip splinters."

Now this is funny:

"Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum."

For those needing more blow-by-blow, check out The Bauer.

[Internal blog business: Thanks to all of you who have submitted guest kits. I'm perusing them now. Later I will scrutinize them and then, in the tertiary stage of examination, read them.]

By Joel Achenbach  |  January 16, 2007; 10:28 AM ET
Share This:  E-Mail | Technorati | Del.icio.us | Digg | Stumble Previous: How To Get Filthy Rich
Next: American Idol: Everything That's Wrong With America

The comments to this entry are closed.