DC United vs. Houston match preview
By Jeff Maurer
Hey, what are you doing Saturday night? Going out with friends? Reigniting the spark in your marriage? Spending quality time with your family? Dude, that's all stupid and lame. If you're up for a really crazy night -- I mean the kind of night that puts TMZ photographers' kids through college -- then come over to my place: I'll be watching last place in MLS's Eastern Conference vs. last place in MLS's Western Conference.
Come on, it'll be great. I'm making boiled cabbage and I've got enough Clamato for everyone. I'm really close to finding the smell that's coming from somewhere in my kitchen, so there's a good chance it'll be partly gone by Saturday. True, my place is being sprayed for potato bugs, so pregnant women or anyone allergic to poison should think twice about attending. But the risk will be worth it to see United's vaunted Morsink-King engine room take on Houston's legendary "hundred thousand dollar back line".
Look, this is one of the times that the obscene money and gorgeous women that come with being a soccer blogger almost aren't worth it. There's only one way to enjoy Saturday night's game: while drunk (unless you're one of those oddballs who appreciate and enjoy life without a brain-deadening crutch). So here are some recommended drinking games to help you enjoy Saturday's epic DC vs. Houston clash to the fullest extent...
(Important soccer blogger note: Do not actually play any of these games. Ever.)
Drink a shot for every Santino Quaranta through ball that goes out for a goal kick or shot that goes 20 yards over the bar. Tino plays soccer the way I imagine the Incredible Hulk plays soccer: "TINO SHOOT!" (ball ends up in row Z) "TINO PASS!" (goal kick) "TINO SETTLE BALL AND WAIT FOR TEAMMATES TO JOIN ATTACK!" (donkey touch, giveaway, Tino's clothes rip off in anger).
Shotgun a beer for every ball we play from the opponent's third back to our own 'keeper. This drives me absolutely crazy. This is a result of us always letting the defense set up before we start our attack. You could record a Guns 'N Roses follow-up album in the amount of time it takes us to organize our attack.
Drink a whiskey sour for ever minute spent trying to remember the name of the guy that we got in return for Bobby Boswell. I'm not going to give away the answer, but I'm pretty sure he works at the Quiznos by my house.
Down a rum and Coke for every time you confuse Jed Zayner, Kurt Morsink, and Stephen King. Eat one loaf of bread if they start looking kind of hot (unless you're normally attracted to guys...economical, role-playing guys).
Pound one Irish car bomb for every chance wasted by Pablo Hernandez.
Again: DO NOT ACTUALLY PLAY ANY OF THESE GAMES. You will surely die.
Consume one ounce of rum for every ten yards of ground covered by Danny Allsopp. Actually, you might be able to do this one and be okay.
So, I guess I'll see you Saturday? Don't worry about driving: I'm only three quick bus transfers from the end of the orange line. Watch out for my pit bull. Bring mace if you're going to walk through my neighborhood. It'll be fun!
Box Seats blogger
| September 24, 2010; 2:00 PM ET
Categories: Jeff Maurer, United | Tags: D.C. United-Houston
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