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DC United vs. Colorado match preview

By Jeff Maurer

What explains a season like this one? I'm starting to lean towards metaphysical explanations: this combination of injuries, gut-wrenching defeats, record-shattering offensive futility, and general malaise doesn't just happen. There have to be sinister forces at work. I'm thinking maybe Kevin Payne hit a leprechaun with his car or offended an old gypsy woman. Maybe Dave Kasper made a wish upon a cursed monkey's paw that United not miss the playoffs "...the way we did the last two seasons." Or maybe it's a the Illuminati own a stake in Red Bull?

Hopefully, whatever forces are conspiring against us will consider one season of abject humiliation to be enough. So, enough about this season -- let's take a look into the future (...the future, Conan?). That's right: all the way to opening day, 2011. It will be a happier time: United's sins of the past year will be wiped away. National unemployment will be three percent. You will have painted the garage and learned Spanish, just like you always said you were going to. I will have six-pack abs and my comedy album will have gone triple platinum. 

And the players currently on United's roster? They're already playing for 2011, starting with the game at Colorado this Saturday. So, let's look at where each of tomorrow's likely starting 11 is now and where he'll be on opening day, 2011.

Troy Perkins: This Saturday: Physically between the posts, mentally still in Norway. Opening day 2011: In Kevin Payne's nightmares as the most expensive backup goalkeeper in MLS.

Devon McTavish: This Saturday: In Omar Cumming's wake (sorry, Devon...the guy is just way, way faster than you). Opening day 2011: Portland or Vancouver. He's solid, young, and reasonably-priced, but not a sure-fire starter. Sounds like expansion draft fodder to me.

Dejan Jakovic: This Saturday: In central defense, except for one play during which the ghost of Titus Bramble will inhabit his body. Opening day 2011: On United's bench behind James and a draft pick.

Julius James: This Saturday: In central defense to start the game, though Colorado's quality attackers + altitude + bad karma from last week's should-have-been-yellow-or-red tackle might = an early shower. Opening day 2011: In central defense for United.

Jed Zayner: This Saturday: Trailing behind Omar Cummings and jumping underneath Conor Casey. Opening day 2011: On the bench for some MLS team. He's cost-effective; he'll find work either in DC or somewhere else.

Andy Najar: This Saturday: Carrying the entire weight of United fan's hopes for the future. Opening day 2011: Dancing like a sugar plum through Arsene Wenger's dreams. Also in United's starting lineup.

Kurt Morsink: This Saturday: Playing defensive midfield (so that Clyde Simms can rest up for the 90 minutes that he pretty much has to play at center back next week). Opening day 2011: On the bench for United. I think he's earned a roster spot, though not a starting spot.

Santino Quaranta: This Saturday: At the center of debate among United fans. Opening day 2011: At the center of debate among United fans.p

Branko Boskovic: This Saturday: Attacking midfield. Opening day 2011: Dubai? The J League? IF Brommapojkarna (that's a real team)? FK Metalac Gornji Milanovac (that one, too)? Grundlescrumpfskidumbledoorskin Rovers (made that one up)?

Pablo Hernandez: This Saturday: Searching for his first goal for the black and red. Opening day 2011: Searching for his second goal for the black and red.

Danny Allsopp: This Saturday: In a ten-yard radius near the top of the opponent's penalty box. Opening day 2011: Starting striker for the North Queensland Fury.

So...vamos United? Yes, sure: vamos United! But, really, pride and tradition and all that aside, this is really just an early pre-season game: it's all about figuring things out for 2011.

I'm on the road this weekend, so I may or may not be able to get to a stream of the game. If I can, I'll do a game diary and player ratings early next week.

By Box Seats blogger  | October 1, 2010; 2:30 PM ET
Categories:  Jeff Maurer, United  | Tags:  Jeff Maurer, United  
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Branko can stay, Tino can play for IF Brommapojkarna

Posted by: knape1 | October 1, 2010 8:55 PM | Report abuse

Brommapojkarna rolled out of bed and she ran to the police station.
When the papa found out he began to shout and he started the investigation.
-- Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard, Paul Simon

Posted by: I-270Exit1 | October 4, 2010 1:01 PM | Report abuse

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