DC United vs. Colorado recap and player guesses

By Jeff Maurer

I spent the past weekend at a Days Inn in New Jersey (sorry if that sounds braggy) where the wireless connection was too slow to stream the game. So I know nothing about United's 1-0 win over Colorado other than what I've seen in the highlights and what I read in the match recap. I repeat: I know next to nothing. Will that keep me from commenting...?

Obviously not! This is the Internet! Since when did "knowledge" become a prerequisite for commentary on the Internet? The Internet is all about empowering individuals to share their thoughts, no matter how ignorant those thoughts might be.

In that spirit, in place of my usual player ratings, this week I'm offering "player guesses": evaluations of each player's performance based on how I imagine he probably played. You can let me know in the comments section how close I came to reality.

Perkins: 5.5. Distribution was good, made a few nice saves, though looked a little shaky on crosses. There was that one moment where he was like "whoa!", and I was like "huh?", and the ref was like "hmmmm", and McTavish was all "zoinks!", but it all turned out okay.

Graye: 5. Got forward well but had a few shaky moments in defense. Or maybe he defended well but didn't get forward. Or maybe he had a bad tuna melt for lunch and spent the whole match hurling next to the corner flag. I don't know...fullbacks don't generally get a lot of ink in match recaps.

McTavish: 5.3. Kept Omar Cummings off the score sheet by...fouling? Witchcraft? Psychological abuse, i.e. relentless taunting and name-calling? Seriously...how did Cummings not get on the scoresheet against the slowest central defense in MLS?

Jakovic: 5.417. There weren't any moments in the highlights where Perkins was giving Jakovic the look you would give a person who sneezed in your dinner, so I'm guessing Jakovic had an above-average game.

Zayner: 4. Zayner did get the sneezed-in-my-dinner look when he let Drew Moor go free at the back post, so minus points for that.

Morsink: 9.5. Fifty years from now, you'll only need to say "the Morsink game" and people will instantly know what you're talking about.

Boskovic: 5.5. I think we'll all remember where we were the time he did that thing with his feet.

Najar: 7. Great game, and I was glad that during his halftime comments he committed to "staying with United at least until I get citizenship so that I can suit up for the USA at World Cup 2014."

Quaranta: 3.14159... Like the value of pi, the debate about Quaranta does not end.

Hernandez: 8.5. I'm going to assume that he was forcing great saves from Pickens and banging shots off the crossbar from 40 yards even though his only contribution to the highlights was to flub a great chance from eight yards out.

Allsopp: 4. I loved his non-celebration of a goal that was, let's face it, a trash goal created entirely by Najar. A lot of guys will celebrate a tap in with a Lambeau leap followed by a two minute props-to-the-man-upstairs session in the center circle.