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An open letter from MLS Commissioner Don Garber to Colorado and Dallas

By Jeff Maurer

(actually by Jeff Maurer. This is make-believe. I can't believe I have to clarify that.)

To: Colorado and Dallas, the Eastern and Western Conference champions

From: MLS Commissioner Don Garber

Wow, what a Cinderella story...Colorado and Dallas in MLS Cup! Two of the league's historic underdogs, from two of the coziest media markets, with two of the most selective followings battling it out on the league's biggest stage! This is the dream final that all of us MLS brass were hoping for. Rest assured that the sounds you hear coming from MLS headquarters are champagne corks popping and not self-directed gunshots.

Thank you for proving definitively that parity rules in MLS. Yes, to succeed in this league, you don't need a big revenue stream, or large numbers of devoted fans, or buzz, or a recognizable brand, or really anything that registers in the minds outside of anyone other than hardcore soccer fans in your metro area and the immediate family members of your players. You also don't need marketable stars -- you don't need David Beckham or Thierry Henry in order to make the final (although if either of those players choose to attend the final, we may just whip up a promo around that)! Neither team has a designated player, or even an established U.S. National Team star that fans might's like two teams full of Rudys! Of course, this means that the streak of no MLS designated player ever having won MLS cup will continue. Isn't that crazy! I mean, really...we pay them all of that money, and just NONE of them...EVER! Not ONE! It's been four (explicative) years! ISN'T THAT JUST THE WACKIEST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you also to FC Dallas goalkeeper Kevin Hartman. Your repeated thwarting of efforts by Landon Donovan, David Beckham, and Edson Buddle set the tone for the night and denied sports reporters an easy headline. And you kept going right up to the end...with your team up 3-0, you made an outstanding save in stoppage time on a David Beckham free kick. To think...had that gone in, it probably would have led off the SportsCenter highlight! And the highlight probably would have been near the top of the show! As it stands, I sincerely hope that ESPN will be able to squeeze your stat line into the "bottom line" crawl that will surely be the entirety of their coverage of the Western Conference Final.

Preparations are already underway for what is sure to be a bang-up MLS Cup. A camera crew has been dispatched to start work on the Wells Thompson in-game biography that America demands. Alien Ant Farm has been booked to play the halftime show. The Toronto Comfort Inn has confirmed that they have enough rooms to accommodate all of your fans. And rest assured, rumors that ABC is planning to bump coverage to ESPN Cnopt (ESPN's Russian-language affiliate) are completely unfounded.

We look forward to seeing you Monday, November 22 in Toronto. Now, I know that several sources -- including our own web site -- have been advertising the game date as Sunday, November 21. That's a simple mistake: November 21 is the date of an exhibition match that New York and LA will be playing at BMO Field. The final will be held the following Monday at Budd Park in Kitchener, Ontario. Kickoff is at 8 a.m. sharp, 5 a.m. Pacific. Don't be late. Also, MLS Cup has been redesigned to be a soccer ball glued to a piece of plywood, so don't be surprise when the Kitchener Deputy Mayor presents the winning team with this new, more organic trophy. The old MLS Cup will be sent to New York or LA for safekeeping.

Thanks for making our dreams a reality! I know I speak for everyone in MLS Headquarters as well as ESPN, our investors, and our fans when I say that none of us can believe what you've done!


MLS Commissioner Don Garber

By Jeff Maurer  | November 15, 2010; 12:00 PM ET
Categories:  Jeff Maurer, United  | Tags:  D.C. United, Jeff Maurer  
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Next: The Body Bag Game part II: The Vickening


Dude, that's dynamite. Great post.

Posted by: Matte | November 15, 2010 12:36 PM | Report abuse

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