Bryce Harper cloning to save economy
In an effort to get the nation’s economic recovery to take hold, President Barack Obama has announced a plan to clone the Nationals’ Bryce Harper 600 times. The Harper Assisted Relief Program, or HARP, will distribute the clones to both minor and major league teams in an effort to drum up attendance and increase spending on otherwise meaningless baseball activities happening in small cities across the U.S.
The plan was hatched after hundreds stood by to watch Harper take batting practice on the first day of spring training and reporters breathlessly reported every pitch Harper saw against unknown Brian Broderick.
Asked if the plan was excessive, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said, “Absolutely not. The consumer is starting to spend again with the $600 billion Treasury note buyback program that we started, but it’s still not enough.” Bernanke added, “Have you ever been to a typical minor league game? The stadiums are empty! Giving each team a Bryce Harper will pack the stands in every market.”
Critics point to the lag between the time Harper is cloned and the years it will take for him to develop into a pro baseball player, saying the plan won’t help the current economic downturn.
The President addressed this by saying they’ll push the clones development faster than the original Harper.
“Listen, we think Bryce was a little bit babied when it came to his development as a baseball player. We plan to have the clones enroll at the College of Southern Nevada by their 11th birthday and in the minors by the time they’re 12,” Obama said. “Plus we have contingencies. Why do you think we froze Ted Williams?
Posted by: jsteinbo | February 24, 2011 5:47 PM | Report abuse