Weather sorcery: If I could control the weather...
It's been rumored that during my youth (I'll refrain from divulging just how many years ago that was) I dabbled in weather sorcery.
That might not be overly surprising, perhaps, given my obsession with all things weather. Among the wizard-like powers attributed to me were being able to wield a magic wand for summoning lightning bolts, generating storms, producing fog, and pelting regions with baseball-size hail.
To humor the rumormongers, I adorned myself on more than one Halloween with homemade sorcerer-like costumes (photos have been destroyed, but the cartoon above is a reasonable facsimile).
To set the record straight, I am NOT a weather sorcerer, wizard, witch or some super hero/villain with magical powers. Really!
But, if I were, I would just flick a magic wand and...
* Increase the odds for at least the equivalent of Snowmaggedon this coming winter - followed by a rapid melt off and arrival of an early spring to accommodate snow haters.
* Limit summer heat and humidity to semi-tolerable levels, but warm enough to comfortably partake in normal leisure time activities.
* Teleport to where there is snow during summer to alleviate winter snow withdrawal.
* Manipulate the atmosphere to favor enough severe thunderstorms and tornadoes to keep storm chasers happy, but not where lives and property might be placed in danger.
* Juice up the Atlantic hurricane season - goal would be several Category 4 or 5 storms within the range of tropical cyclone research programs, but far removed from populated coastal regions.
* Enshroud anyone with untenable opinions differing from mine with a prolonged period of zero-visibility fog - includes myself when consciously or otherwise disagreeing with my own opinions.
* Zap anyone who consciously and consistently denies the reality of global warming solely based on political leanings and/or public policy implications - rather than objectively-based research science - with a series of painful, but not physically harmful "bolts from the blue." For good measure, I'd envelop them with a frightening (but in the end benign) ball of lightning.
* Cast a spell on weathercasters that engage in inane behavior resulting in hilarious, viral TV bloopers.
* Nix all attempts to mitigate global warming through controlling the weather and geoengineering - the law of unintended consequences cannot be repealed.
* Jinx anyone trying to compete with CWG for best D.C. weather source (sorry, Bob Ryan and Doug Hill).
* Trim the colloquial wings of those pesky butterflies to reduce the uncertainty that they unavoidably introduce into all weather forecasts.
* Cast a spell on politicians that glues their tongue to the roof of their mouth whenever they speak fallaciously about electing someone who "palls around with meteorologists" and argues for eliminating "forecast hedging" once and for all.
* Insert bugs into the computer programs of the European weather prediction model while accelerating advances in numerical weather prediction at NOAA, leaving no question that NOAA's GFS model is the new and permanent leader in global weather forecast models.
* Call forth winds favorable to Red Sox batters (especially when playing the Yankees) and to Redskins quarterbacks and kickers (especially when playing the Cowboys).
* Summon a "Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away ..." when it's overcast, cold and dreary, and like the characters of Sesame Street, make the most of whatever the weather.
I have more, but now it's your turn. What would you do with the weather sorcerer's magic wand?
| October 28, 2010; 10:30 AM ET
Categories: Climate Change, Humor, Tracton
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