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Posted at 10:30 AM ET, 10/28/2010

Weather sorcery: If I could control the weather...

By Steve Tracton

It's been rumored that during my youth (I'll refrain from divulging just how many years ago that was) I dabbled in weather sorcery.

That might not be overly surprising, perhaps, given my obsession with all things weather. Among the wizard-like powers attributed to me were being able to wield a magic wand for summoning lightning bolts, generating storms, producing fog, and pelting regions with baseball-size hail.

To humor the rumormongers, I adorned myself on more than one Halloween with homemade sorcerer-like costumes (photos have been destroyed, but the cartoon above is a reasonable facsimile).

To set the record straight, I am NOT a weather sorcerer, wizard, witch or some super hero/villain with magical powers. Really!

But, if I were, I would just flick a magic wand and...

* Increase the odds for at least the equivalent of Snowmaggedon this coming winter - followed by a rapid melt off and arrival of an early spring to accommodate snow haters.

* Limit summer heat and humidity to semi-tolerable levels, but warm enough to comfortably partake in normal leisure time activities.

* Teleport to where there is snow during summer to alleviate winter snow withdrawal.

* Manipulate the atmosphere to favor enough severe thunderstorms and tornadoes to keep storm chasers happy, but not where lives and property might be placed in danger.

* Juice up the Atlantic hurricane season - goal would be several Category 4 or 5 storms within the range of tropical cyclone research programs, but far removed from populated coastal regions.

* Enshroud anyone with untenable opinions differing from mine with a prolonged period of zero-visibility fog - includes myself when consciously or otherwise disagreeing with my own opinions.

* Zap anyone who consciously and consistently denies the reality of global warming solely based on political leanings and/or public policy implications - rather than objectively-based research science - with a series of painful, but not physically harmful "bolts from the blue." For good measure, I'd envelop them with a frightening (but in the end benign) ball of lightning.

* Cast a spell on weathercasters that engage in inane behavior resulting in hilarious, viral TV bloopers.

* Nix all attempts to mitigate global warming through controlling the weather and geoengineering - the law of unintended consequences cannot be repealed.

* Jinx anyone trying to compete with CWG for best D.C. weather source (sorry, Bob Ryan and Doug Hill).

* Trim the colloquial wings of those pesky butterflies to reduce the uncertainty that they unavoidably introduce into all weather forecasts.

* Cast a spell on politicians that glues their tongue to the roof of their mouth whenever they speak fallaciously about electing someone who "palls around with meteorologists" and argues for eliminating "forecast hedging" once and for all.

* Insert bugs into the computer programs of the European weather prediction model while accelerating advances in numerical weather prediction at NOAA, leaving no question that NOAA's GFS model is the new and permanent leader in global weather forecast models.

* Call forth winds favorable to Red Sox batters (especially when playing the Yankees) and to Redskins quarterbacks and kickers (especially when playing the Cowboys).

* Summon a "Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away ..." when it's overcast, cold and dreary, and like the characters of Sesame Street, make the most of whatever the weather.

I have more, but now it's your turn. What would you do with the weather sorcerer's magic wand?

By Steve Tracton  | October 28, 2010; 10:30 AM ET
Categories:  Climate Change, Humor, Tracton  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Forecast: Sunshine and dry air a sure bet
Next: TWC says live weather coverage still comes first


First on my list: Time all incoming stormfronts and rainshowers to occur during times nowhere near my morning/evening commute.

Posted by: Brian-CapitalWeatherGang | October 28, 2010 11:06 AM | Report abuse

Move the location where official weather records are kept from the Salton Sea (AKA DCA) to a location that provides more realistic snowfall measurements.

Posted by: JerryFloyd1 | October 28, 2010 11:27 AM | Report abuse

(1) Make doubly sure the Weather Channel sticks to its assigned topic and doesn't start trying to become the Arts Channel, the Poker Channel or the Contract Bridge Channel. [Please note: I have nothing against poker or bridge, but they are better telecast on an ESPN offshoot than on TWC...and don't we have A&E or the Hallmark Channel for arts programming?]

(2) Let's keep political advocacy on CWG to a minimum...and that confined to discussions on weather and climate. Example: if some righty poster tries to blame our weather extremes on President Obama and the Democratic Party, he/she can expect an appropriate LIBERAL response from me! I believe the Washington Post has an appropriate forum for political doesn't need to spill over into CWG.

Posted by: Bombo47jea | October 28, 2010 11:54 AM | Report abuse

I second the favorable winds for the Red Sox (against the Yankees, and maybe also the Rays if we're getting specific here).

I'd also like for lightning to take place precisely when I click the shutter on my camera so I can always get the picture I want.

I'd also appreciate it if the thunderstorms we get would come east to west so I could see them well from my east facing balcony. That is all. :)

Posted by: CuseFan07 | October 28, 2010 12:26 PM | Report abuse

May the winds help lift Yankee homers to Connecticut.

Posted by: JerryFloyd1 | October 28, 2010 12:36 PM | Report abuse

Get rid of the humidity!! I don't care how hot it gets, so long as the dewpoint always stays below 50.

No more cut-off lows or backdoor fronts! Make the fronts and lows move through lickety-split: four or five hours of rain followed by 10 to 14 days of 100% sunshine.

Winter begins earlier and ends earlier: regular light snowfalls starting at Election Day and ending in late February.

Posted by: HenryFPotter | October 28, 2010 1:31 PM | Report abuse

6-10 inches of snow every December 5 and make that day a local holiday. Only 38 more days to go!

Posted by: DullesARC | October 28, 2010 2:18 PM | Report abuse

One more:

Generate massive solar flares to glorify clear night skies with brilliant auroras as far south as DC - without threatening life as we know it.

Posted by: SteveT-CapitalWeatherGang | October 28, 2010 2:45 PM | Report abuse

I would force the "average temperature" to forever remain in whatever its natural range is supposed to be. Then I would only have to listen to complaints about ocean "acidification".

Posted by: eric654 | October 28, 2010 3:03 PM | Report abuse

Make today's weather permanent.

Posted by: tinkerbelle | October 28, 2010 3:21 PM | Report abuse

A category 2 hurricane coming up the Chesapeake Bay!

Posted by: bdeco | October 28, 2010 6:45 PM | Report abuse

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