Celebritology

Headed to the chapel: Kevin Jonas. (Reuters)

Kevin Jonas, the 22-year-old tweener heart throb who, along with his two brothers, fronts a successful Disney brand band -- recently announced plans to marry 21-year-old girlfriend Danielle Deleasa. Though this news may help rumor mongers hoping to ID a gay Jonas brother and we're all for letting love rule, Kevin may want to put the brakes on party planning and consider how some other young matrimonially-inclined celebs fared. And it isn't a good story.

Britney Spears
Married at 23
A two-year marriage to skeevy back-up dancer Kevin Federline left Spears with two kids, unhinged and bald. Spears, now 27, has since recovered, and is in the midst of a comeback. She was recently rumored to be contemplating another marriage. (Spears also had a previous one-day marriage to high school pal Jason Alexander annulled.)

Angelina Jolie
Married at 21
Jolie's first marriage to British actor Johnny Lee Miller lasted four years. Jolie says the two are still friends and blames immaturity for their breakup: "It comes down to timing. I think he's the greatest husband a girl could ask for. I'll always love him, we were simply too young." Jolie next married Billy Bob Thornton before moving on to Brad Pitt. Jolie and Pitt say they won't marry until same-sex marriage is legalized in the U.S.

LeAnn Rimes
Married at 19
The prodigal country singer married dancer Dean Sheremet in 2002 and all seemed well until, uh oh, Rimes was captured on video kissing also-married Lifetime movie co-star Eddie Cibrian. Rimes says she's since patched things up with Sheremet.

Drew Barrymore
Married at 19
Barrymore's first marriage -- to Welsh barman Jeremy Thomas -- lasted all of 19 days. She later married comedian Tom Green in 2001, but less than a year later Green filed divorce papers citing "irreconcilable differences." Barrymore has most recently been linked to actor Justin Long.

Macaulay Culkin
Married at 18
Culkin married fellow teen actress Rachel Miner in 1998, but the two separated only two years later. Culkin has been dating "That '70s Show's" Mila Kunis since 2002 and the couple has been the object of engagement rumors.

Have more cautionary tales for Kevin or, perhaps, some success stories? Share them below.

Headlines: No public or private viewings for Michael Jackson this weekend, says family; memorial may happen Tuesday at L.A.'s Staples Center... Request for Neverland burial denied...
DEA joins investigation into Jackson's medications... 2.6 million Jackson downloads sold in one week... Pathologist says David Carradine died of asphyxiation... Gwyneth Paltrow says Spanish know how to enjoy life more than Blackberry-addled Americans... 22-year-old Kevin Jonas engaged... Kate Gosselin's clothing line for kids on hold as "Jon and Kate" ratings plummet... Nicole Richie designs maternity clothes; Beyonce launching "Sasha Fierce" line of junior clothing... Hilary Duff joining cast of "Gossip Girl" for multi-episode arc... C. Thomas Howell to host new reality show.

Pix: Bearded Keanu Reeves in Paris... Brad Pitt's new "Never-EverLand" art installation.

Video: Ricky Gervais's "Invention of Lying" trailer...

Rumor Mill: Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger spotted dining out... Tameka Foster says she and Usher had sex a week before divorce filing... Ryan O'Neal bars son (Griffin, not Redmond) from Farrah Fawcett's funeral.

Not News: R. Kelly, police say singer's home not searched for missing 17-year-old girl... Susan Boyle will not appear on "Ugly Betty"... Leighton Meester not engaged.

Say What?
"They take me very seriously because I've always been a very serious Christian, and most Christians understand what's going on. They understand they're being persecuted. They understand this is the end of the world. They understand the New World Order, the One World Currency, is all in Revelations in the Bible, so they're taking me very seriously and they know when I mean something, that it's a message." -- Heidi Pratt

Chat Day: Join me at 2 p.m. ET for this week's star-spangled edition of Celebritology Live. Then, stick around for The "Lost" Hour's ongoing summer review of seasons 1 and 2.

Karl Malden in 1950. (AP)

The Associated Press is reporting that Karl Malden -- actor, Oscar winner, Amex pitchman -- has died at the age of 97.

We'll have a gallery up shortly chronicling his life and career. In the meantime, anyone looking to compile a list of flicks for a commemorative Karl Malden movie night may want to add these classics to the viewing list:

"A Streetcar Named Desire": Malden won an Oscar for his role as Harold 'Mitch' Mitchell.

"On the Waterfront": Come for Marlon Brando's brooding performance, but stay for Malden's winning turn as a Catholic priest.

"Baby Doll": Elia Kazan's tale about a man married to a child bride is set against a crumbling Southern backdrop. Not for the kids.

Share your memories -- and favorite Malden portrayals -- below.

Lindsay Lohan at her Vegas birthday fest/tanning lotion promotion. (Getty Images)

Lest we forget, this week we celebrate an important American milestone: Lindsay Lohan's birthday. The one-time tween star turned tabloid darling will be 23 (which is like 87 in Lohan years). Lilo has already kicked off the festivities -- she was reportedly paid $70,000 to host a pool party at Las Vegas's MGM Grand. Today we'll join in the fun by making Lohan our muse.

Compose your poetic birthday wishes to Lindsay below. Haiku, double dactyl, Seuss-ian, free verse -- your choice. Just keep your submission to 12 lines or shorter. The best submission (which will be determined by the highly scientific formula of me guffawing and taking your faves into consideration) will win a coveted May 1984 (Note: Lilo wasn't even born yet) issue of Tiger Beat/Star featuring Duran Duran's Nick Rhodes on the cover, a hard-hitting Q&A with Ralph Macchio, who explains his charmed "Karate Kid" life wasn't "all glamour" and a wicked hot centerfold of a bat-wielding John Stamos wearing a "Coke is it!" T-shirt.

To prime the pump, here's a double dactyl from columnist Gene Weingarten:

Higgledy Piggledy
Lindsay D. Lohan is
Hawking a product to
Make our skin fried.

Here is our birthday gift:
Spanking her skanky butt
Extra-judicially
Tanning her hide.

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Update: Amidst the budding poets among you (and the "Daisy of Love" tribute), themegnapkin's simple haiku -- riffing on Lilo's recent assertion that she's a hard-working girl -- won the day (despite the fact that none of us -- not even lawyers -- work 40-hour days):

Lindsay, you think you
Work hard? Come to my law firm
for forty-hour days.

Meg -- send your address to me at liz.kelly@wpost.com.

'Charlie's Angels' co-star Kate Jackson attends Farrah Fawcett's funeral yesterday in Los Angeles. (Reuters)

Headlines: Michael Jackson will surfaces; pop star had net worth of $236 million in 2007; public and private funeral plans set... Farrah Fawcett mourned at private funeral... Fawcett made peace with Lee Majors before death... Al Franken named winner of Minnesota Senate race... Jude Law to play Hamlet on Broadway... Sigourney Weaver pulls out of "Ghostbusters" sequel... Tameka Foster says she was surprised by Usher divorce filing... Final "Lost" season extended by one hour.

Pix: Madonna's new Louis Vuitton ad... Madonna nudes go on display in London... Michael Jackson's changing face (video)... "Real Housewife" Danielle Staub's "All My Children" scene (video).

Rumor Mill: Jackson never adopted kids; Dermatologist may be biological father... Jackson fans committing suicide?... Rumors of George Clooney's death greatly exaggerated... Simon Cowell offered $144 million to stay for one more year of "Idol".

Coming Thursday: Watch this week's three episodes of season 1, then prep your questions for Thursday's "Lost" Hour.

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Query: Michael Jackson's public Neverland viewing is set for this Friday, July 3. Will anyone be around to read if I live blog the event or will we all be too busy prepping for July 4th?

I'm Liz and I'm a Jacko-holic.

I'm as wary as the next celebrity news blogger about over-covering the Michael Jackson story, but the crowning of Jacko as the King of Celebrity Deaths (his funeral is expected to dwarf Princess Diana's) and wall-to-wall coverage has slowed our usual diet of celeb news to a trickle. The week after a triumvirate of celeb deaths (let's not forget we lost Farrah and Ed last week, too) even pix of Sarah Jessica Parker's new twins and the latest Jon and Kate update seem ho-hum.

So I'll admit it. The crush of Jackson details (I'm somewhat of a bizarro news aficionado, which will come as no surprise to long-time Celebritology readers who shudder at the memory of the now-retired "Britney Watch" and my abiding taste for stuff like this and this) has distracted me to the point of uselessness for all non-Jacko-related stories.

I've had to tear myself away from Facebook this morning where -- on both my profile and Celebritology fan page -- I've been posting random Jacko-related links. Nothing tribute-y -- just completely useless information like how Corey Feldman is taking the news (he's "trembling") and pictures like this one from the freakishly clever "My Face" group.

The first step is admitting the problem. Now to do something about it.

I pledge to stifle my Jacksonian impulses and, tomorrow, get back to the important business of handicapping Jennifer Aniston's chance for dating success and seeking out crucial pix so you don't have to miss one moment of celebrity doings.

Unless Jacko's funeral really does draw a million fans to L.A. later this week.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick and son James Wilkie pose with new twins Marion Loretta Elwell, left, and Tabitha Hodge. (AP)

Headlines: Lawyer says he has a copy of Michael Jackson's will... OK! Magazine paid $500,000 for cover photo of dying Jackson (Warning: thumbnail of pic at link)... Promoter to issue refund to Jackson concert ticket-holders... Medical examiner says heart disease may have killed Billy Mays... Jon and Kate Gosselin say they're done talking to the media; Kate Gosselin's book delayed... Emma Watson says she didn't know of "Harry Potter" fortune until she turned 18... Britney Spears's and Ellen DeGeneres's TwitPic accounts hacked... Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay sign on for two more years of "SVU"... Patrick Dempsey launching second fragrance... Diane Keaton fine after on-set accident while wearing Sumo wrestler costume that is actually an improvement on her normal garb... "Bachelor" dumpee Melissa Rycroft engaged.

Pix: Michael Jackson sand castle tribute... Seven-year-old Angelina Jolie's movie debut... Mariah Carey crossdresses for new video.

Rumor Mill: Coroner dismisses leaked Michael Jackson autopsy details... Chris Brown dropped from BET Awards lineup... Miley Cyrus and Hugh Jackman teaming up for "Bodyguard" remake... Drea de Matteo joining "Desperate Housewives" cast... Kellie Pickler secretly dating Kid Rock for a year?... Tennis star Anna Kournikova involved in Vegas bar brawl.

Say What?
"I am the hardest-working person I know. I'm a workaholic. I don't know what to do when I'm not working. I get creatively frustrated." -- The chronically frustrated Lindsay Lohan

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Coming Thursday: Watch this week's three episodes of season 1, then prep your questions for Thursday's "Lost" Hour.

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