Cheesy Fabio Passing on the Butter Crown
You have never sought to hide the fact that you are one cheesy dude and for that you deserve much respect. Despite the spray-on tan and the highlights, there's something endearing about someone who is so openly camp. You made your fab moniker a household name by posing for artistic renderings of your pecs on bodice rippers. The last time you made the news was probably when you were whacked in the face by a bird on a rollercoaster.
I'm not sure what kind of royalties book covers bring in, but I wouldn't fault you for looking for a way back into the public consciousness. It's hard out there for an aging muscle-bound guy of European descent who has been known to wear a loincloth. Really, the only options at this point are spokesman gigs or the governorship of California.
But if I never hear you say this again, it'll be too soon:
"I've enjoyed my reign as romance icon for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! and believe the time is right to pass the torch to the hunk who best represents the new generation of romance and fantasy and can embody the fresh, butter taste of the new I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" -- Unilever press release
It is one thing to appear in an advertisement for processed spreads (which you originally did back in the '90s). It is another to go on the record about "hunks" who embody the "fresh, butter taste of the new I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" Stop. Now. You've got your own set of romance novels, a loyal fanclub and some sort of movie cooking (and we won't be disappointed if it's just a cameo).
A little cheese is fine, but spare us the butter.
| March 21, 2006; 10:43 AM ET
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