Network News

X My Profile
View More Activity
Posted at 10:45 AM ET, 06/15/2006

Help K-Fed Tell His Story

By Liz Kelly

If only there were a cheesy movie about this guy's life. (AP)

This is the stuff that Celebritology dreams are made of:

Kevin Federline wants to make an '8 Mile' style film -- about himself. The fledgling rapper --who is married to pop star Britney Spears -- is reportedly seeking wealthy sponsors to back his project, which would cast him in the lead role. (Full Story)

And although K-Fed has apparently already penned his own script, I thought it might be helpful for us to bolster his effort by suggesting some of the major selling points of his movie. So, today's assignment is to craft a K-Fed movie pitch of 200 words or less. For inspiration, I direct you to the eminently bookmarkable Query Letters I Love and a few humble efforts (crafted with help from all-star guest contributors):

A young drifter (K-Fed) arrives in Las Vegas to become a dancer and soon starts clawing his way to the top, or at least to the front of diva Nomi Malone's (Britney) all-male backup dance troupe (cameo by Ben Vereen).

After working as a Chippendale's dancer (cameos by Patrick Swayze, Chris Farley), he gets his big break at an audition for the Stardust Casino production of "School Girl Sluts." He soon finds out that "showbiz" (and marriage to Nomi) aren't quite what he expected (what with all the diaper changing), but remains determined to become a star. In one last gambit, he cuts a rap album featuring the movie's title song, "It's Hard Out Here for a Dimwit." Screenwriter: Joe Ezsterhaz. Director: Busby Berkeley.

-- Post Style writer Paul Farhi


"The Producers III"
In this third, modernized remake of the wildly popular stage play and movie, Kevin Federline plays himself in the role created for Franz Liebkind, the neo-Nazi who writes a play so bad it is bound to fail. In this version, the crooked producers in search of a surefire flop find Kevin, who wants to make a movie about his unaccomplished, meaningless life as an idiot boy toy...

-- Post "Below the Beltway" columnist Gene Weingarten


It's "Mr. Mom" meets "Flashdance" in this musical about a male dancer who raps his way from the chorus line to the cover of at least three tabloids.

Synopsis: An attractive yet seedy male dancer catches the eye of a pop princess and puts his own ambitions on hold to father her children. But his burning passion for rap can't be extinguished and soon he knows he will have to make the ultimate choice -- the girl or the career trajectory of Vanilla Ice. What will it be? One man's struggle is revealed through dance and an original soundtrack featuring music from Federline, Britney Spears and Sir Elton John. Starring Brittany Murphy as Britney Spears and Kim Bassinger as Shar Jackson with a special guest appearance from John Travolta.

-- Liz

The material is rich and the possibilities are endless. Go forth and pitch! Below are some resources that may help:

Kevin Federline (Wikipedia)
Kevin Fed's Official Web site
Federline's MySpace page

By Liz Kelly  | June 15, 2006; 10:45 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Miscellaneous  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Morning Mix: TomKat Named 'Most Affectionate' Couple
Next: Morning Mix: Cruise Tops Forbes Celebrity List


Isn't kevin wearing what's called a "beater" t-shirt?

And just to keep things on the up and up, this is described in wikipedia:

Posted by: Ms. Irony | June 15, 2006 11:16 AM | Report abuse

It's official. Farhi is funnier than Weingarten.

Posted by: The real arbitor of humor | June 15, 2006 11:46 AM | Report abuse

Karl (played by K-Fed) grew up poor, on the wrong side of the tracks, living on a dream--that one day, he would get out of Fresno and make it as a star. When he finally makes it to Los Angeles, success is elusive, and soon, his girlfriend Shana (played by Gabrielle Union) is having his baby. Then oops! he did it again--and with two kids, he feels trapped.

Brenda (played by Jessica Simpson) grew up lucky, and overprotected, just her against the music, dancing for the cameras and smiling for the fans. But they never knew her secret--that when she went home at night, she cried in her lonely heart. Now, she's not a girl, not yet a woman. Will her new album make her stronger--or break under the pressure?

When he meets her, he thinks it's his hook up to stardom. She thinks he's just another dancer with a baby mama in the wings. But when they find bombastic love together, will her increasing desire for solitude be toxic for his chances of stardom? Will he sacrifice his dancing dreams for love? And will he be able to escape the shadow of his girlfriend?

Posted by: gretchen | June 15, 2006 12:41 PM | Report abuse

"Donny," a young loser, and "Cindy" a pretty blonde who's "lousy with virginity" meet for a fun summer of love. When they return to school, however, it is clear that Donny's completely out of his class, and it could never work between the two of them. By the end of the year they realize that each is the one the other wants, and they entertain their friends at the school carnival with singing and dancing.

Posted by: K-Ho | June 15, 2006 12:57 PM | Report abuse

Strip Cheese

Aaron Grant (Federline) loses care and custody of his son when he's divorced from his pop start wife Darrél (Spears) in an effort to jumpstart her failing career. Struggling for money, he becomes an exotic dancer at a nightclub, where one night Congressman McKinney (in disguise) attacks another member of the audience. A spectator, who recognizes McKinney and is fond of Ferderline, offers to get back his son by blackmailing McKinney. Things do not work out as planned, though. In a final show of defiance, Federline puts everything into one last emotional dance before being taken away by police and tried for his crimes against humanity. Memorable line: "Ya'll aint ready for the truth"

Posted by: Adrienne | June 15, 2006 12:59 PM | Report abuse

K-fed goes..."Back To The Future!!!" K-fed must travel back in time to the year 2000AD, for a fast and raucous DANCE OFF with then boyfriend of Spears, Justin Timberlake (J-Tim if you will)! Onle one can take the girl and earn the title of Supreme Lord of the Dance! Who will win? WIll Doc be able to reconstruct the flux capacitor before Brittney dumps K-Fed? Will J-Tim realize he's been dating a white trash prude who will inexplicably drop her drawers for a white trash pimp? Find out when K-Fed goes Back to the Future!

Posted by: Pete | June 15, 2006 1:31 PM | Report abuse

Here's my pitch for the Kevin Federline bio pic "Mr. Spears" set for a Fall 2007 release.

In "Mr. Spears," Kevin Federline plays the part of JARED ATEHISTRING, an aspiring dancer from the mean streets of Fresno. He scratches and claws his way through the dancing world, overcoming prejudice towards his sexual orientation (hetero) in the male subculture. He puts up with gentle teasing about being a "breeder" from his classmates, and fights off sexual advances from a famous sex symbol pop star JASON WOODENPOND (played by Jaret Leto), who is buried so deep in the closet that he knows where the cat hides during thunderstorms.

It is ATEHERSTRING'S desire to be a father, and to have celebrity children that dominates the film's first half. While his rocky relationship with Hollywood actress JAR HACKSUN (played by Jaimee Foxworth of "Family Matters" and "My Baby Got Back 29"), produces two beautiful children, ATEHERSTRING suffers more barbs not only from other male dancers and WOODENPOND, but, considering how hard it is for his spiritual mentor HALLE BERRY (played by herself) to get work, feels that the entertainment world is not ready for mixed-race children in respectful starring roles.

Hating America's simmering prejudice against black culture, ATEHERSTRING embarks on a one-man campaign to make America safe for all minorities, especially the most endangered of them all, the white man who can dance. While working with WOODENPOND on choreography, he meets aspriring teen pop star HICKNEY SPEARS (played by Mandy Moore). The two have a great rapport, sharing witty dialogue straight from a 1970s Woody Allen film. They share heartache, too, as HICKNEY had a failed relationship too, with high school sweetheart JASON ALEXANDER (played by Jason Alexander from the hit series 'Seinfeld').

The two plucky young lovers marry, and proceed to live in an ideal world in which they proceed to make a ton of cash, and never have to worry about being harassed by the paprazzi, journalists and crazy fans. The question is: do these two have the moxie to become the best of the best? Can they be "Top Gun" in the worlds of music, dance, parenting, finance and politics? Find out by watching "Mr. Spears," a heart-warming tale about the human condition and a perfect snap-shot of the All-American spirit.

Posted by: Ray in Virginia | June 15, 2006 1:35 PM | Report abuse

Best. Topic. Ever. Keep it coming, I'm laughing my tush off over here...

Posted by: MORE! | June 15, 2006 1:39 PM | Report abuse

K-fed goes..."Back To The Future!!!" K-fed must travel back in time to the year 2000AD, for a fast and raucous DANCE OFF with then boyfriend of Spears, Justin Timberlake (J-Tim if you will)! Onle one can take the girl and earn the title of Supreme Lord of the Dance! Who will win? WIll Doc be able to reconstruct the flux capacitor before Brittney dumps K-Fed? Will J-Tim realize he's been dating a white trash prude who will inexplicably drop her drawers for a white trash pimp? Find out when K-Fed goes Back to the Future!

Posted by: Peter | June 15, 2006 1:42 PM | Report abuse

In the first ever broadway style rap-musical, our hero (plyed by K Fed) break dances his way from his humble beginnings on the streets of Chico to LA, where he meets lady luck (Britney). He joins her group of back updancers (Nathan Lane and Matthew Brodrick), and quickly falls in love. Torn between duty and his desire to be a bad @$$, he opts for the later, leaving his pregnant girlfriend (Bett Midler) behind. He is determined to make good, and aims to be the best man candy/back-up dancer he can be.

Posted by: Anonymous | June 15, 2006 1:51 PM | Report abuse

Totally unrelated question here: Liz, how do you feel about your favorite leading man voicing Garfield the sequel? Will you be first in line at the movies tomorrow?

Posted by: Dana | June 15, 2006 1:56 PM | Report abuse

You guys have it all wrong.

First of all, movies have simple plots. Think star wars. Disaffected boy leaves home and overthrows the empire.

How about... ambiguously sexual young dancer boy discovers famous, but lonely pop chanteuse where they destroyed professionally in a tragic display of... ummmm... we can work on that.

The story opens with Kevin F as boy who does not like sports like a lot of the other boys. His father is a paunchy but frustrated dock worker who hates that his son isn't interested in yankee games.

The turning point comes when Kevin is in 9th grade and he takes Home Ec instead of shop. His father beats tries to beat him senseless, but Kevin is able to easily move away. He senses that dancing is his future.

So he leaves home in tears and watches MJ's "Thriller" video to learn his own moves. In the world of dance, Kevin finds a home where he can be accepted by his own kind.

But still he yearns for more. In a weird act of fate, he tries out as a backup dancer to Brittany. The role was looking for young dancers with swimmers bodies who can dance, but not too well, because that would distract people from the beautiful, smart, intelligent, hip, but tragically flawed brittany.

When he first meets he, Brittany doesn't seem to be his type. She has matured into a curvy woman, a far cry from the slim figured people he is naturally attracted to.

So for a while they exist in their own orbits.

Then one day, on break, he notices Brittany chewing on something. He walks over and she says "Oh, I'm trying 'Redman tobacco' because I'm trying to quit smoking". He stopped as he was taking his own pack of cigaretts rolled up in his t-shirt.

Kevin was enchanted. She was just like mom.

Oh boy, I could go on for page after page of this.

Posted by: Bradley | June 15, 2006 2:40 PM | Report abuse

I'm thinking more of a "Hand That Rocks The Cradle" remake. Oblivious, buffoonish husband (K-Fed) is too busy making his rap album to notice that the new blonde in his life (Brittany Murphy) is completely insane. Out of revenge for the way he ruined her career, she wants to kill his family and screw his kids up for life!

Thankfully, she's foiled by his first love Shar (Brandy), who heroically saves the day with the aid of the noble, retarded gardener (President Palmer from "24"). It can't fail, I'm telling you!

Posted by: mmy | June 15, 2006 2:43 PM | Report abuse

They've already made this movie.

It's called "Ma and Pa Kettle Return to the Farm." One of the elements of the movie is that Pa Kettle (Federline) has a pair of pants that cause car horns to honk and lights to go off.

Posted by: David Raether | June 15, 2006 4:33 PM | Report abuse

The coming of age of a black boy trapped in a white body and all of the challenges he must face.

Posted by: udon'tknowwho | June 15, 2006 7:24 PM | Report abuse

After overcoming his failed relationship with Britany and watching his career as dancer flounder, K-fed decides he needs to find meaning in his life...

He attends a spiritual retreat in Colorado and meets a Tibetan Buddhist master who tells K-fed he must do something radical and face his deepest fears...or he will face reincarnation as an animal...

Kevin decides to move to West Virginia and help the poor...He takes a job as a welfare worker and begins talking to poor people...he learns about their struggles...and get this..actually starts to particpate in their lives...helps them get off drugs...teaches them to read...opens up a dance studio for impoverished appalachian kids...and his soul sours...

Brittany, learns about K-Feds spiritual awakening and at first is jelous...becuase Kevin for the first time in his life is actually happy...that spiritless void inside himself is being filled...Brittany flies to West Virginia...and Kevin turns her on to a new way of living...

But its hard for Brittany...she's a very unhappy women...she just cant let go...that void inside of herself cannot be filled by helping others...She tries to talk to the working poor, coal miners, female drug addicts and prostitutes...but she just cant help but feel those people have no one to blame but themselves...

Its ok though...Kevin at long last is at peace...he's following what he perceives as his higher powers will for him...

Brittany rejects the mountain culture and goes back to Los Angeles, alone and bitter...before eventually telling the world that Kevin "is now dead to me..."

Posted by: D Irie I | June 15, 2006 10:45 PM | Report abuse

I think this is more like a "Saturday Night Fever" tone to it. I layed out all the basic story elements that are easily adaptable for K-Fed's movie.

In SNF, Tony Manero (John Travolta) had a dream of getting out of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn and making it in the big city of New York. Dancing was his way out, but he was confused about keeping working at a paint store, staying close to the family or heading for the big time. Does he stay with the small town girl or hook up with the big time dance partner of NYC.

Kevin Federline had a dream of making it out of Fresno, CA and making it big in tinseltown, Hollywood, CA. Dancing was his way out but he was confused about keeping his job washing cars, staying close to the family or heading out for the big time. He does make it to the big town but he is torn between the woman he had two kids with and the sugar momma sitting right in front of him.

We could update the white suit, update the clubs and then we could have a sequel with Frank Stallone ala "Staying Alive!"

Posted by: Addison S. | June 15, 2006 10:50 PM | Report abuse

Grandson of Eddie Valiant (cameo Bob Hoskins) and Dancing Hippo (Fantasia), K-Toon longs for expression in the biz and takes job on New Mickey Mouse Club as wardrobe illustration. Lucking out, he lands on t-shirt worn by youngster BritAqui, falling in love instantly. When she complains about the shirt groping her, it is fired, along with K-Toon, who was only trying to protect her. Going into exile in LV, K-Toon takes up with chalk outline from CSI and gets part-time work as Identitkit stand-in. One night, asked to fit the description of a dancer, he auditions for the missing performer and lands the gig. To his delight, he is reunited with BritAgui, who has begun a stage show. Toon sparks fly, and bluebirds circle the happy couple. Th..that's all, folks!

Posted by: Hoss | June 16, 2006 8:12 AM | Report abuse

Family fun for Summer 2007! Wonderful big-screen re-make of that hit 70's show "Mork and Mindy." Mork (K-Fed) is sent to Hollywood to observe life in LA-LA-Land. There, he shacks up with Mindy (Brittany) and together, they dance, sing and hip-hop their way out of one funny situation after another.

Posted by: don'thate | June 16, 2006 9:34 AM | Report abuse

what a waste of screen time...who cares

Posted by: What???? | June 17, 2006 9:25 AM | Report abuse

The only movie this guy should be starring in is a snuff film.

Posted by: K fed up | June 17, 2006 11:09 AM | Report abuse

KFed, as "LuckyBone" Teams Up with beloved shopworn actor Jan Michael-Vincent in a raucous buddy comedy that pushes the envelope both creatively and spiritually for the duo in "Billy Jack III, the Making of an American Rap Ninja" Vincent reprises his roll as the Miyagi-like Svengali-like behind-the-scenes "MC of Bakersfield" Screen newcomer Fed displays his acting chops as well as his dancing chops and acting chops in a memorable scene where we watch in awe as "LuckyBone" cabbage patches and luvraps all the while receivng another important tattoo that reads "babyGurl".
This movie will possibly change the way you think and perhaps make you reexamine some of your most basic assumptions about the relationship between hard work and accomplishment. word

Posted by: TBoneHarney | June 17, 2006 11:29 AM | Report abuse

Kfed, as Tommy Lee makes his screen debut in the biopic "Tommy Lee: I Like Hot Chicks" Mounting his throne behind his massive drum kit, KFed pulls out an impressive display of drum-synching, that will invite legitimate comparison to Jeremy Gelbwaks of Partridge Family notoriety. In what may prove to one of Hollywood castings greatest coups, the prosthesis from "Boogie Nights" has been signed to play Lee's well-known appendage. And while KFed might not measure up to Lee in all regards, his hardcore drum-rap rendition of Chicago's "Colour My World" (with a back from the dead cameo by NickySix on lead Guitar)will make all of America dream of being his slow dance partner.

Posted by: SticksMcGillycuddy | June 17, 2006 12:18 PM | Report abuse

K-Fed returns home from his 2nd tour in Iraq to find his beautiful West Virginia wife has become a John Leguizamo-esque (from SPAWN) monstrosity... and his small country town has become beset by a plague of gangsta rap. He is confronted by DEATH who tells him it is his time - and challenges him to a game of... hmmm... i think i've seen this movie...

Posted by: Bubbathor | June 17, 2006 2:26 PM | Report abuse

K-Fed is A. Andy Arson, a narcotics cop who uses rapping and dancing as his cover. While on the job, he lives the glamourous life of the rap undergound while helping to put drug lords away for life, driven on by the bitter memory of his kid brother (flashback) dying of a dose of "bad smack", given to him by The Toad. Arson doesn't know who The Toad is, but we are confident that when he finally finds out, he will be shocked and dismayed and torn.

When he is not on the job, his life is tawdry and frustrating. He lives in a crappy apartment with a wife he married when they were both underage because she became pregnant. She doesn't understand him, and wants him to go to work for her brother, who makes big money renting portable outhouses.

Then he assigned a partner, Angel (though he makes his feelings about this clear with his rap "I Work Alone" which he delivers at The Club while his sardonic boss, Cpt. Sturgis, [Christopher Walken] looks on, inscrutible and unmoved)who turns out to be a Christian virgin homecoming queen who hates rap and is frightened of guns but knows everything about everything, can pick locks, and can do kung fu that involves hidden trampolines and Asian stunt persons. During the slow bits of the movie, she gives him back his hope, while he gets her pregnant. This forces an agonizing choice upon him. Tormented, he flees to the rooftop of his apartment building, and dances until he is all sweaty and pumped.

Meanwhile, The Toad has kidnapped Angel, and K-Fed must use his rapping skills to convince The Toad's bodyguards that he is "cool". He succeeds and they take him to where The Toad is plainly working up to some kind of sexual torture of Angel. K-Fed marches in, ready to dance, or kill, according to necessity, but The Toad turns around in his swivel chair behind his massive desk and it's ... the Dead Kid Brother. K-Fed is momentarily stunned and TDKB laughs evilly and the hulking negro bodyguard takes K-Fed into custody. Meanwhile, Angel has picked the locks of her manacles, after a certain amount of contortion that causes what remains of her clothing to become very tight across her really magnificent breasts [played by someone else's breasts] and she does her kung fu, wiping out everyone but TDKB, who gets a gun and is about to shoot her when K-Fed throws a knife that penetrates TDKB's throat. They reconcile, as TDKB dies. Angel's breasts look on in symapthetic silence.

As they drive away from The Toad's drug warehouse, which explodes and burns behind them, Arson and Angel do a sort of hip hop version of "You say tomayto, I say tomahto". Credits.

Posted by: daktari | June 17, 2006 6:09 PM | Report abuse

How about "They call me Westside Mr. Spears" - This sequel to "In the Heat of the Night" with Sidney Poitier can have K-Fed in reverse racial roles. - we can have him making important social statements with dancing like in The Westside Story. POWERHOUSE! - CALL BROTHERS WEINSTEIN.

Posted by: THE RAMONES | June 17, 2006 8:31 PM | Report abuse

K-Fed gets hit by a craft services truck.

The End.

Posted by: Anonymous | June 17, 2006 10:29 PM | Report abuse

A documentry in which Federline gets a vasectomy while thousands cheer.

Posted by: Gilda Thorp | June 17, 2006 10:32 PM | Report abuse

Thanks for the special work and information! nokia6630

Posted by: dianne | July 23, 2006 11:36 AM | Report abuse

Hello and congratulations! nokia6630

Posted by: brandy | July 26, 2006 3:07 AM | Report abuse

Kevin started out doing small bits dancing on tables at the Blue Oyster Bar for beernuts, cigarette butts and pocket change. There he is discovered by Lance Bass who gets him a gig dancing in music videos. Kevin's newfound success makes him happy, but his macho heterosexual father constantly harps on him, which depresses him on a personal level.

Anxious to show his dad how macho he can be, he starts to wear wife beaters, gets some tattoos and gets a girl named Shar pregnant. His dad thinks that he is trying to pull one over on him about having sex with a woman so he gets her pregnant again to prove it. Just then the unexpected happened. He actually does fall a girl; Britney Spears.

Britney loves Kevin because she can binge on Cheetos, smoke cigars and drink Wild Irish Rose comfortably around him. Kevin loves Britney because shes rich and he can use her name and money to try to live out his dreams. He finally wins his dad's approval and, at his dad's behest, impregnates her twice to make sure he can take her for as much as he can if she ever does come to her senses.

Then he becomes a national joke, trying to rap and proclaiming himself to be a big star in his own right. Vanilla Ice comes out of retirement and beats him in a pay per view rap competition, then sues him for infringing on his trademark on "white wannabe rapper". Vanilla takes K Fed's half of Brit's fortune, Brit dumps K Fed for trashing her name and the movie closes with KFed dancing on tables in the Blue Oyster bar (again), his life having gone full circle.


Posted by: Hector | August 9, 2006 4:03 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

RSS Feed
Subscribe to The Post

© 2011 The Washington Post Company