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Posted at 10:44 AM ET, 07/20/2006

A Message From You, Britney

By Liz Kelly

Jack Handey Britney Spears. (AP)

Britney Spears has done it again, made contact with us via her Web site. This time in the form of a snippet of poetry and her thoughts on wildlife. The short posting has all the nuance of a high school journal entry, reeking of that teen spirit that informed attempts to assert angst-ridden creative individuality (you remember, it preceded the attendant writer's remorse, humiliation and destruction of said journal).

It's a pitiful little piece of work. My 14-year-old niece could do better than this while battling a summer cold and text messaging three friends simultaneously. If we factor in Britney's other recent gaffes, like a somewhat disjointed interview with Matt Lauer, an abrupt switch to the dark side and a Demi-copying nude magazine cover, one is forced to wonder -- where is Britney's publicist/manager and why isn't this person doing his job?

Still, in the spirit of getting while the getting's good, a decoded version of Britney Spears' latest deep thoughts:


Tiger! Tiger! burning bright
In the forests of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry
-- William Blake

Hey y'all, someone gave me a velvet poster of a tiger with these words on it by some dude. I like it because it rhymes, kind of.

In some ways, people are a lot like animals.

Kevin scratches himself and doesn't shower. That's like an animal. What's not is how people have to wear seat belts and put their babies in car seats. It's so unnatural. It's not animal-like, not country, at all.

We all hunger for the same things.

Frappucinos, cheeseburgers, fries. Tigers would like cheeseburgers. I'd like to walk into McDonald's with a tiger and eat cheeseburgers. Then the tiger could jump on a mean photographer and scratch out his eyes.

Love, lust, danger, warmth and adventure.

F'rinstance, my movie "Crossroads" -- it had all of these things. The animals got it.

Like people, animals all have their own rhythm to life.

Do tigers dance? I bet they would to my music.

I'm mesmerized by tigers.

Wait, what does mesmerized mean? It's not dirty, right? It's okay if it is. I just wanna know.

Their eyes, their stripes, their constant quest for survival.

I also have eyes and a quest for survival, but no stripes -- unless you count that one time I had really gnarly highlights.

They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them.

Like me. I'm so mysterious with my coy public appearances, cryptic interview strategems and Web-published brain droppings.

Behold, the picture of a tiger Brit posted to her Web site. (Screen grab from

They pull you in and make it difficult to look away.

Kind of like that scene in "A Clockwork Orange" where Malcolm McDowell's eyes are forced open and he has to watch bad things. Wouldn't have been so bad if he were watching me sing. Although, I have heard some people are nauseated by my music.

They make you wonder what is behind their gaze.

No one understands the complex creature that is Strong Britney.

A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence.

As I myself am awed by Kevin and his creative life force. He just walked in to use the bathroom and I SWEAR I felt eerie awe.

The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning.

People recoil from me in fear all the time. Especially Sean Preston when I head toward him with the car keys.

Okay, I need a really rocking, solid line to finish with...

Behold the beauty of the tiger.

Oh well.

By Liz Kelly  | July 20, 2006; 10:44 AM ET
Categories:  Britney Spears, Celebrities  
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