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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 07/ 7/2006

Hollywood Mysteries: Where's Suri?

By Liz Kelly

A few puzzlers to ponder until "Entourage" airs on Sunday night.

Mystery No. 1: Where's Suri?

Eighty days have passed without a glimpse of TomKat spawn Suri, who may at this moment be communing with Xenu to plot the total eradication of journalists and the re-release of John Travolta's Scientology-fi epic "Battlefield Earth." Either that or she's up to the normal 80-day-old routine of drooling, pooping and eating mashed peas.

Needless to say, this massive delay in introducing Suri to the world can only mean one thing: that she is in fact an alien and will pass her larval (OR PUPAL) stage in seclusion, emerging next summer when daddy's next movie is in need of a little PR boost. I'm kidding. Really. Obviously, the delay is easily explained -- mom and dad either want more cash for the first pix or they are commendably sheltering their wee one from the unforgiving public eye.

Mystery No. 2: Why is Keanu Two-Faced?

Keanu Reeves on June 13 (AP) and July 5 (Reuters).

Is it possible that Keanu Reeves is actually two different people? Perhaps all these years he and an ill-favored doppelganger have been sharing his rigorous Keanu duties? Because I'm at a loss to explain how three weeks can wreak this kind of change on a person. And I have a long-standing crush on the man dating from his genius (and partly shirtless) portrayal of Martha Plimpton's hot boyfriend in 1989's "Parenthood."

Mystery No. 3: Why Would Nicole Richie Want to Date Jeff Goldblum?

It's rumored the two have been spotted together around Hollywood after Richie disclosed a long-time crush on the actor, best known for his starring role in "The Fly" (which came out in 1986 for any of you who weren't born yet or were only five, like Nicole).

Goldblum, right, and his new fly girl? (Reuters)

Goldblum has always had a certain Corey Feldman-ish vibe to him: He tries too hard, is typecast as the annoying guy and never quite made that all important leap from dud to stud (a la Patrick Dempsey).

Don't misunderstand me here. Goldblum has been a creditable addition to some great movies -- "The Big Chill," "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai." And he's guest-starred on "The Simpsons," which earns him big points in my book. Something tells me this isn't the same book Nicole Richie uses, though.

Obligatory joke: I would love to be a fly on the wall at one of their dates.

Mystery No. 4: Why Would Jeff Goldblum Want to Date Nicole Richie?

Do I really need to write it out?

By Liz Kelly  | July 7, 2006; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Miscellaneous  
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I think the keanu one is solved, he has a stylist, can grow something of a beard in less than 3 weeks, and went on a drinking binge, so he's a little bloated

Posted by: Pete | July 7, 2006 12:04 PM | Report abuse

Is it possible that Suri is a complete hoax/publicity stunt? Has anyone (trustworthy) outside of TomKat and their publicists reported that they've actually seen the baby?

Posted by: Wonka | July 7, 2006 2:18 PM | Report abuse

Agree with WOnka.

When Tom and Nicole divorced, wasn't it because they couldn't have kids and Nicole REALLY wanted a family? As I recall, Tom took the heat saying it was his fault. So that begs the question just how TomKat got preggers...

But here's the thing: we're talking a conspiracy of epic levels here. Could they really keep it quiet this long?

Posted by: Glover Park | July 7, 2006 3:06 PM | Report abuse

I too wondered whether or not there really was a birth. Did they have the "baby" in a hospital? I can't recall; if yes, I guess that makes the non-birth theory a little harder to believe.

Posted by: boondocksjunkie | July 7, 2006 3:57 PM | Report abuse

Has anyone ever seen a birth certificate for Ms. Suri Cruise? Would it be possible to order a copy from the California State Health Department (or whatever agency issues birth certificates in California)?

Posted by: Not the droid you're looking for | July 7, 2006 4:41 PM | Report abuse

"When Tom and Nicole divorced, wasn't it because they couldn't have kids and Nicole REALLY wanted a family? As I recall, Tom took the heat saying it was his fault. So that begs the question just how TomKat got preggers..."

Actually, Nicole was pregnant when Tom dropped the "I wanna divorce" bombshell, and she miscarried shortly thereafter. (Classy move, Tom.) He did not take the heat, IIRC--I remember he said something like "SHE knows why I want to divorce." Speculation was that since Tom may be gay and/or sterile, that she must've gone outside the marriage to get pregnant. I myself firmly believe "Suri" doesn't really exist, or was a surrogate child, or a sacrifice to some weird Scientology garbage or something.

Oh, and Jeff Goldblum is NOTHING like Corey Feldman--he has more brains in his little finger than annoying Corey. I've always found Jeff kind of sexy, because he seems so damn smart but has a sense of humor about himself. Corey Feldman is (or comes across as) neither smart nor humorous, just desperate.

Posted by: NYC | July 7, 2006 5:23 PM | Report abuse

The term "Bennifer" was stupid and overused. Using "TomKat" to refer to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is just nauseating. Does every celebrity couple need a cute name morph? Give it up.

Posted by: Jeff | July 7, 2006 10:57 PM | Report abuse

This is a little late but could Baby Suri be referred to as KitKat once in a while? It's cute and shorter than Tomkitten.

I have an idea. Let's blog on a celebrity website about how nauseating celebrity nicknames are. "The child of Mr. Thomas Cruise and Mrs. Katherine Holmes was
released from a juvenile facility today. She gestured obscenely to reporters just prior to entering a vehicle and leaving for the wooded estate referred to locally as the KitKatKlub."

Posted by: Mike | July 8, 2006 2:49 PM | Report abuse

Why shouldn`t Keanu Reeves have two different looks? He is an actor after all. Sometimes he reminds me of Al Gore at 42 and then he changes into the appearance of Shakespeare`s MacBeth, last Act. From a European point of view those actors are most interesting who know how to change completely. They got a broader scope - and more impact as a actor.

Posted by: Angelika | July 9, 2006 5:19 AM | Report abuse

Let's not confuse Keanu Reeves with actors considered most interesting. Keanu's acting reminds me of Al Gore as much as his appearance.

Posted by: Mike | July 9, 2006 10:33 AM | Report abuse

Kitkat will demand a paternity test at some point. Just as Tom labeled his recently deceased father a coward and a bully, Kitkat will eventually slam the unloaded Topgun.

Posted by: Mike | July 9, 2006 10:38 AM | Report abuse

Maybe Suri is a blonde...and Brad Pitt is daddy.

Posted by: melissa | July 11, 2006 7:24 PM | Report abuse

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