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Posted at 10:45 AM ET, 07/ 5/2006

It's Official: Paris Hilton Most Over-Hyped Celeb

By Liz Kelly

The votes have been counted and -- minus complications from pesky Diebold voting machines, hanging chads and unpredictable Academy members -- we can safely declare the winners of the inaugural edition of the annual Celebritology Honors (aka The Lizzies).

Let's bypass the tedium of an intro montage featuring Billy Crystal and a green screen and get right to the winners, who will be faxed a printout of this page suitable for framing!


Celebrity Most Likely to be Insignificant if it Weren't for the Paparazzi and Celebrity Tabloids/Blogs

The nominees: Kevin Federline, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Janice Dickinson, Taylor Hicks

And the Lizzie goes to... Paris Hilton.

Paris couldn't be here to accept this award so I'll just congratulate her on her talent for staying in the news while doing approximately nothing. The unprecedented interest in her social life, catfights with equally the vapid Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan and a string of romances with Greek shipping heirs have transformed this scion of a hotel fortune into tabloid gold. Over the next year we'll be taking bets watching to see whether Paris parlays her "Simple Life" into a lucrative singing career or, like, continues to trade on her ability to create a void and still trail hordes of breathless paparazzo in her wake.


Most Inane Comment, Demonstrating Complete Self-Absorption and Cluelessness

The nominees:
- Britney Spears on driving with infant Sean Preston on her lap: "I can't go anywhere without someone judging me. You know. I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I'd drive. We're country."
- Kevin Federline on child rearing: "My kids are going to work at Taco Bell, dammit."
- Paris Hilton on cigarettes: "Smoking is so sexy. It's like so cool how you all smoke everywhere in the U.K."
- Tom Cruise jokes about Scientology births and the then-anticipated birth of his child with Katie Holmes: "I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there."

And the Lizzie goes to... Paris Hilton.

Speaking of a void, Paris has done it again, winning two out of three of this year's awards... this one for opening her mouth and calling one of the leading causes of death -- to both smokers and those around them -- "sexy." But maybe Paris shouldn't be blamed for this one. After all, Hollywood has long glorified the cigarette as accessory to the bold and beautiful and she should not suffer for succumbing to product placement. Let's stop blaming her and just keep her out of R-rated movies, okay? (To clarify: I mean out of movie theaters because if I had meant to imply that she be kept away from the business end of a film camera, I'd have said "X-rated movies," right?)

Anyway, it's not as if she said: "Wal-Mart? Do they make walls there?" or "All British people have plain names, and that works pretty well over there," or even "I don't want to be known as the granddaughter of the Hiltons. I want to be known as Paris."

Actually, she did.

As Paris would say: "That's hot."


Most Fascinating and/or Anticipated Celebrity Train Wreck of the Year

Nominees: Tomkat, Brangelina, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, Paul McCartney/Heather Mills, Julia Roberts, Sharon Stone, "Da Vinci Code," Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards/Heather Locklear/Richie Sambora/David Spade love pentagram, Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey, Isaac Hayes/"South Park," Naomi Campbell, Axl Rose/Tommy Hilfiger.

And the Lizzie goes to... Britney Spears.

Obviously, the first thing I have to say is thank God Paris Hilton was not a nominee in this category because I was running out of half-baked Paris sarcasm.

In the past 12 months, Britney Spears has managed to go from pop royalty to trainwreck. To add a little perspective and underscore the magnitude of Britney's achievement, keep in mind that it took Michael Jackson at least a decade to achieve the same metamorphosis.

Where once we abashedly watched as Britney flouted such conventions as taste, age appropriateness and sexuality, we now stare horrified as she calls her parenting skills, marital state and sanity into question. Well done, Brit!

In a break with Celebritology Honors tradition, I'd like to take this opportunity to offer Britney a little advice that will (hopefully) keep her far from this category next year: Get out of the public eye until at least 2007, stop posting goofy poetry to your Web site, raise your children and enjoy their first years. If K-Fed's doing you wrong kick him to the curb, ease up on the Frappacinos and treat your body right -- all of the above will pay off both physically and mentally, preparing you to mount an odds-defying comeback in a couple of years. In short: strong Britney!


What will happen next year? Will current "Get-Over-It" Girl Paris Hilton have found a raison d'etre for her celebrity? Will she have learned to think before she speaks? Will Britney be midway into her self-imposed seclusion? Will we have seen pictures of baby Suri yet (ED: Liz, Suri has nothing to do with anything here. Leave her alone. Liz: No.)

Thank you for voting and stay tuned from now on each Friday for weekly Smart and Stupid Celebrities of the Week!

By Liz Kelly  | July 5, 2006; 10:45 AM ET
Categories:  Britney Spears, Celebrities, Miscellaneous, Paris Hilton  
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Hey Liz, just one note: I wanted to vote for Tom Cruise as biggest trainwreck, but so far Katie seems a reluctant tagalong, and I think the main spectacle will be the Top Gun flying solo, so I passed on "TomKat". But Britney's still a good choice. Thank you for not showing the full photo, I'm about to eat lunch.

Posted by: The Cosmic Avenger | July 5, 2006 11:21 AM | Report abuse

How did Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown not even get nominated for "biggest train wreck"?

Posted by: Kilroy | July 5, 2006 3:21 PM | Report abuse

A Trainwreck category and not one Paula Abdul mention? I think this is an entertainment column first.

Posted by: Maggie | July 5, 2006 3:58 PM | Report abuse

All three of your awards would be rendered insignificant if it were not for that fact that people like you turn idiots like your nominees into "celebtrities."

I am not quite sure who is the bigger idiot.

Posted by: P | July 5, 2006 7:54 PM | Report abuse

"ED: Liz, Suri has nothing to do with anything here. Leave her alone. Liz: No."

Lizzie, I love you.

Posted by: qwyn | July 5, 2006 9:01 PM | Report abuse

A Trainwreck category and not one Jude Law mention. Maybe this year will be better than last for him. AT least he's got a new nanny! TEE-HEE

Posted by: tee-hee | July 5, 2006 9:41 PM | Report abuse

You're a good writer. Don't waste your talent (and time) writing about Paris Hilton.

Posted by: Julian | July 6, 2006 2:22 AM | Report abuse

Paris Hilton's new single "Stars are Blind" is burning up the charts. The girl CAN sing and she has legions of fans who buy her products.

Calling Paris Hilton over-hyped is like saying a diamond is too big or a person has too much money LOL.

Obviously,Ms Hilton is doing something right.She is a regal goddess who reminds me of Marlene Dietrich.

Posted by: Dori | July 6, 2006 10:28 AM | Report abuse

Maybe polls like "over hyped celeb" are the reason these celebrities are getting over hyped. If we stop putting their names out there in magazines, polls, tabloids no one would give a rat's ass and the world would keep on living. I'm sure next week will be a new poll invented saying paris hilton or britney spears are the most popular celeb. It never ends!!! I'm spent!

Posted by: shane | July 6, 2006 11:08 AM | Report abuse

hey guys,
i just came across this real cool site with celeb pics and gossip.. check it out
dont make the same mistake i made and jus see the first page,, ull miss loads of other stuff then,,at the end of the page ull see previous entires,, click on tht to see more;)
Ps: check out the pic of jlo with lipstickon her teeth,, yuck! and christina nude,, looking quite thin hmmm

Posted by: ME | July 6, 2006 1:19 PM | Report abuse

Looking at the picture of Paris, I realize that her chest is all saggy. I only bring this up because paris seems to have no problem trashing anybody else. Saggy b**bs are never hot, even on paris. Perhaps I'm wrong; I guess I'll have to wait for her next porno to find out.

And anyway, is saying someone has freckles really insulting? Personally, I find freckles hot.

Posted by: Zithan | July 7, 2006 9:25 AM | Report abuse

Dear Dori,

Paris's song topped out at 14 last week, this week it's headed down, and will be off the charts in 2 weeks.

Proving that millions of dollars from the Warner coffers for publicity buys you a #14 single (and a #1 video rating from MTV!). Contrast this to the 1966 mega-hit "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa! " which had no publicity but managed a #1... No doubt this is due to the talent of the Napoleon XIV?

As to the Marlene Dietrich comparison, it's interesting you bring this up. Marlene Dietrich had Burt Bachrach as a musical director, and as wikipedia points out "His arrangements helped to disguise Dietrich's limited vocal range ..." which is similar to what Fernando Garibay has done with with Paris.

Ironically, things really fall apart in the comparison when you consider that Marlene was the "I vant to be alone" girl, and Paris is known primarily for doing porn. Don't get me wrong, I love Paris for the porn; but only because it shows that a spoiled girl is about as imaginative in the bedroom as a Catholic nun. At least nuns are dress better.

Posted by: Anti-Dori | July 7, 2006 9:46 AM | Report abuse

Biggest trainwreck is Britney? No way, it HAS to be Tom Cruise! Britney's just stuck with a dud husband, and her fashion sense seems to have disappeared but she's still sane at least. Tom Cruise was a HUGE movie star who has flamed out in less than a year--it took just a month or two from the time he started dating Katie (whoops, KATE) to jump the couch. And then he went nuts with the in-your-face Scientology crap and insulted Brooke Shields, and it hasn't stopped since then. Tom Cruise really has gone around over the deep end--no contest, IMO. He has no credibility any more--South Park hasn't devoted any episodes to mocking Britney, but they've certainly skewered Tom a few times.

Posted by: NYC | July 7, 2006 10:32 AM | Report abuse

I can't believe Paris Hilton beat out K-Fed for most irrelevant! At least Paris goes to parties and dances on tables or whatever. K-Fed is just, like, dumb.

Posted by: h3 | July 7, 2006 3:08 PM | Report abuse

And for all the hatahs who keep posting about how stupid celebrity blogging is: if you hate the medium so much, maybe you could stop reading them and leave them to the rest of us to enjoy.

Posted by: h3 | July 7, 2006 3:08 PM | Report abuse

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