Sean Preston Chats With Suri
Vacation is all she ever wanted; Vacation, she had to get away... but Liz will be back next week. For now, tune into an exciting episode of “Great Moments in Celebaby Wiretaps.”
Thanks to a fortuitous combination of NSA wiretapping and well-timed leaks (thanks Karl!), we were able to get our hands on a transcript of a recent IM chat between Sean Preston Spears-Federline and Suri the Pseudo-Baby.
Sean Preston: Yo Suri! Wazzup?
Suri: Sean! I'm just chillin' and trying to clear my latest engrams (painful memories). My daddy was dancing around in his underwear and screaming “You're dangerous, Maverick!” into the mirror. Mommy then mistakenly yelled, “Be quiet Dawson!” and it went downhill from there.
Sean Preston: At least your dad is in his underwear. My folks walk around the house naked and make up raps like:
We're country y'all, and we've hit the wall;
Cuz we got no chance, to make people dance;
But we don't care, so we walk around bare
It will all be good for some intensive psychotherapy later. Oops, sorry Suri, I'm not supposed to use the p-word around you.
Suri: That's O.K. I've already arranged for a team of psychiatrists to help me whenever I get out of this place.
Sean Preston: My mommy used to really be into Kabbalah until she stopped practicing it because it was too hard to spell. That's when Aunt Madonna stopped visiting. I miss her but sometimes it hurt when she held me. Mommy then decided to make me her religion which ain't too bad except when she writes poetry about it.
Suri: That's some crazy [poop]. Luckily my mommy and daddy don't have many friends except some lady from Saved by the Bell.
Sean Preston: My daddy has way too many friends and they never leave. But now we have the Manny who runs a tight ship. When are you going to make your debut anyway?
Suri: I know. I've been practicing my cute faces for the photographers.
Sean Preston: No! Cute doesn't sell... at least not for long. It needs to be dangerous. And you gotta do it now. You'll be old and washed up next month. Here are my tips for staying in the headlines. Don't you dare let Infangelina see this. She doesn't need any more help in keeping us from the headlines.
- Squirm around photographers especially when Mommy has her hands full.
- Always refuse to be restrained.
- Never misbehave unless the photogs are there.
- Don't complain when Mommy dresses you like a gangsta. That's front page news, baby and maybe even gets you a mention on Letterman.
- Manny good; Nanny bad.
- Stay away from Blanket. He's just freaky.
Suri: Thanks, Sean. As soon as we get the rights fees worked out for the photos, I'll make my big debut.
Sean Preston: Oh no! It's too late. You should have negotiated the fees during the labor. They'll agree to anything then.
Suri: I tried but my attorney was out of town. Daddy is asking for $5 million for a new statue honoring Operating Thetans but Mommy wants to use the money to build a big rowboat that'll take her back to Dawson's Creek. She calls it her “happy place”. I'm just hoping to get enough to pay for the lawyers to emancipate me.
Sean Preston: Oh, it's not so bad being a celebaby. It'll be over before you know it. And one day, when you're talking to your shrink or parole officer, you'll actually look back and miss that magical time when you were the hottest poop in town.
Suri: Thanks, man. I'd better get back to my crib. I think Daddy's home. I just heard him jump on the couch.
Sean Preston: Yeah, I'd better go and remix Daddy's latest single. He's got no ear for music. Later, shorty.
Suri: Later, babe.
Normally Frank develops fantasy sport contests and other fun things for the site but this week he's getting in touch with his inner celebritologist to help out Liz. He gets plenty of help from his catty co-workers.
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