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Posted at 10:41 AM ET, 08/ 3/2006

A Scheme of Hasselhoffian Proportions

By Liz Kelly

A seemingly innocuous David Hasselhoff signals to his minions at Wimbledon. (Reuters)

There is some kind of wrinkle in the fabric of the universe, a glitch in the matrix, if you will, and this intergalactic snafu, this disturbance in the force, centers on one man: David Hasselhoff.

To wit, Hasselhoff's "Baywatch" co-star Pamela Anderson married Kid Rock over the weekend. But Anderson was previously married to Tommy Lee, who is currently appearing on "Rockstar: Supernova" with Dave Navarro, who recently split with Carmen Electra, who also co-starred on "Baywatch" with, yes, David Hasselhoff.

(Graphic illustration by Liz Kelly)

Dismissed as coincidence.

I'm not yet sure what this means or why we should care, but it's no coincidence. Hasselhoffian forces are mobilizing and up to no good. The evidence continues to mount:

Why would Pam and Kid suddenly reunite and marry if it weren't somehow to Hasselhoff's advantage? Why would Carmen and Dave -- who told us on MTV that they'd be together "Till Death Do Us Part" -- suddenly split? Hasselhoff again. Clearly, he's realigning his former female co-stars for some coming event, the depravity of which I daren't imagine. Somewhere Yasmine Bleeth awaits her orders.

But wait, there's more:

- In a diabolical scheme to wipe jugglers out of the entertainment industry, Hasselhoff inexplicably landed a cherry job as a judge on "America's Got Talent."

- His "Jump Into My Car" video has stolen at least three minutes from my life and, I'm sure, caused hundreds of hours of lost productivity the world over.

- His recent guerrilla attacks on a hotel bathroom, Wimbledon and British Airways were quickly hushed up.

The final, incontrovertible proof that Hasselhoff is up to no good? Knight Rider: The Movie, coming soon to a theater near you.

Don't say you weren't warned.

By Liz Kelly  | August 3, 2006; 10:41 AM ET
Categories:  Miscellaneous  
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Did someone say Yasmine Bleeth?

Posted by: kurosawaguy | August 3, 2006 11:17 AM | Report abuse

He also tried to bust into the Dallas Mavericks' locker room during the NBA Finals to meet Dirk Nowitski who, jokingly, (I think) said he always hummed a Hasselhoff tune before making free throws. Coach Avery Johnson turned him away...

Posted by: DK | August 3, 2006 11:32 AM | Report abuse

Excellent graphic Liz! Are those "stink" lines coming from Hasselhoff's name? If not, they should be.

Posted by: Chrine | August 3, 2006 11:53 AM | Report abuse

I smell an Oliver Stone conspiracy theory pic. Just call it 'The Hoff.'

Posted by: Phil | August 3, 2006 12:00 PM | Report abuse

Liz forgot the other connection between Rockstar:SN and Baywatch. Brooke Burke has been dating Dave Chavert (sp?), also of Baywatch, for awhile now.

Posted by: Tiff | August 3, 2006 12:21 PM | Report abuse

Well, that's three minutes I'm never getting back. Is it just me, or does The Hoff seem like a caricature of himself? I'd like to believe he doesn't take himself seriously either, but fear that cannot be the case. He seems so... smarmy. Bleeth.

Posted by: Eirelass | August 3, 2006 1:18 PM | Report abuse

I cannot believe your failure to mention the Hasselhoffian Recursion:

Posted by: mrmoonpie | August 3, 2006 1:58 PM | Report abuse

Oh, Liz! Thank gawd you're back and I finally have something entertaining to read again!

Posted by: I've Been Looking for a Freedom! | August 3, 2006 3:00 PM | Report abuse

1. Is Hasselhoff a Scientoligist? Methinks not, but since the Hollywood sci-fi group seems to be behind every relationship in entertainment, perhaps there is a connection there. Please check on that, Liz. Thanks.

2. That's true about Dirk Nowitski. Remember, the poor kid ain't from this country, so he's grown up thinking Hasselhoff is a musical genius. Poor Germans...

3. Anyone catch the Knight Rider-themed strip tease on America's Got Talent last night? Bizarre. This is what they're passing off as "talent" these days?

Posted by: OD | August 3, 2006 3:34 PM | Report abuse

Another layer of the 'Hasselhoff Onion' was peeled back last night near the end of the America's Got Talent episode. He was 'challenged' by a fellow judge to sing live on tonight's show. Me thinks that this has been nothing more than a veiled attempt to become 'America's most popular singer' as the Hoff has become in Germany. Don't believe in coincidences when it comes to the Hoff!

Posted by: Mark | August 3, 2006 3:53 PM | Report abuse

Chrine, very astute observation. Those are indeed the internationally recognized symbols for stankiness emanating from Hoff's name.

Posted by: Liz | August 3, 2006 3:55 PM | Report abuse

this column is week

Posted by: Chet Rollis | August 3, 2006 4:47 PM | Report abuse

actually, hass hasn't been approached about the knight rider movie. a TRAVESTY.

Posted by: scott | August 3, 2006 4:51 PM | Report abuse

week or weak?

Posted by: Me | August 3, 2006 4:54 PM | Report abuse

I cannot believe that you left out his appearance in the Sponge Bob movie.

Which also featured Scarlett Johansson, who after working with Herr Hasselhoff (of the Nip/Tucked and Dyed Hasselhoffs) went on to make not *one* but *two* films with Woody Allen. Sheesh.

It's all Hasselhoff's fault.


Posted by: bc | August 3, 2006 6:44 PM | Report abuse

I totally agree that David Hasselhoff is the hidden force behind much of what happens in the world today. Baywatch is just a Trojan Horse to infiltrate cultures around the world (Baywatch can be seen almost anywhere) with the whole Hasselhofian Baywatch ethos. Seems like a harmless Aaron Spellingish show, but we know what's behind it.

BTW, sometime back in NYC a militant gay group posted pictures of David with the label "Absolutely Queer," refering to the Absolute Vodka label. Were they onto something that's since been hushed up (Gaywatch?) Are the people behind this poster still alive? And where does his fellow subversive Tesh fit into this? This is important stuff.

Posted by: Robert H | August 3, 2006 11:34 PM | Report abuse

Fabulous graphic, Liz. Were you wearing pants when you drew it?

Posted by: Karen | August 4, 2006 9:04 PM | Report abuse

did you see the commercial he was in... something about "master of the internet"; i'm sure it's floating out there somewhere... it was hilarious!!

Posted by: henny | August 4, 2006 11:38 PM | Report abuse

You were my inspiration. I've started a blog to document the heinous shadow power struggle of these celebrities. They must be stopped at all costs!

Posted by: Henry Wallace | August 7, 2006 10:12 PM | Report abuse

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