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Posted at 10:45 AM ET, 08/ 8/2006

Aging Action Heroes: The Perfect Vintage

By Liz Kelly

With Sylvester Stallone resurrecting both the Rocky and Rambo franchises and Harrison Ford on tap to reprise his role as Indiana Jones one more time, it isn't that much of a stretch to imagine other action heroes of yesteryear eagerly queuing up to reanimate characters ripe for some boomer-style butt kicking.


Bruce Willis. (DON EMMERT/AFP/Getty Images)

The latest addition to this buffet of "mature" hams is Bruce Willis, who is on tap to make a fourth "Die Hard" movie as detective John McClane in "Live Free or Die Hard," tentatively planned for an Independence Day 2007 release.

The flavor of the millennium thus far has cast most of our big budget action stars as superheroes -- with no old reliable opponent (i.e. The Cold War and the Soviet threat), Hollywood has turned its action agenda over to comic book heroism. We have Batman, X-Men (and women), Superman, Electra, etc., but no accidental action heroes. The average guy who unwittingly finds himself saving a) the world, b) a hot chick or c) the world and a hot chick simultaneously.

And why reinvent the genre when proven franchises wait patiently to be dusted off and reimagined? CGI makes it all so much easier -- not only can over-the-top action sequences be created largely on a computer (thereby easing the burden on aging frames), but a little studio magic here and there can also colorize grey chest hairs and turn dimply flab into rippling muscle.

With that in mind, I have a few more franchises I think could be resurrected to great success. My one-minute pitches:

Escape from Assisted Living. Kurt Russell is back this update to his popular Snake Plissken series. Citizens over the age of 60 are sent to maximum security assisted living zone "Florida" for the remainder of their life. But ample tee times and warm weather can't lull Snake into ignoring an attempted coup. Breaking out, with the help of a plucky post-menopausal Adrienne Barbeau, is just what the doctor ordered.

Beastmaster: The Age of Man. Dar (Marc Singer) now runs a ferret-breeding ranch with his longtime love Kiri (Tanya Roberts), but their peace is threatened when concerned neighbors tell Dar he's too old to continue to wear a loincloth. His ability to talk to animals is muddled by dementia, but that won't stop him from saving himself and the defending the rights of elder loincloth wearers in this age of sorcery and savagery.

Mad Max: Beyond Stupid. Suffering from delusions of grandeur and incredibly poor judgment, a misguided Max inserts his foot firmly into his mouth, is imprisoned and throws his paunchy weight around. Much attention and hand-wringing ensues. Max disappears into tomorrow land (obscurity) comforted only by his piles of money. (No costars)

Any I missed?

By Liz Kelly  | August 8, 2006; 10:45 AM ET
Categories:  Miscellaneous, Pop Culture  
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Comments

The Album Of The Soundtrack Of The Trailer Of The Film Of Monty Python And The Holy Grail features an interview with 'Carl French,' whose latest film features Marilyn Monroe (and "James Dean, in a box.... and bits of Jayne Masfield").

http://arago4.tnw.utwente.nl/stonedead/albums-cds/sketches/holy-grail/interview-with-carl-french.html

Posted by: byoolin | August 8, 2006 11:40 AM | Report abuse

er, Mansfield.

Posted by: byoolin | August 8, 2006 11:40 AM | Report abuse

Barbarella: The Golden Years
Jane Fonda has to cope with finding the appropriate sturdy foundation undergarments while fending off continuous harrassment from aging Vietnam Veterans, who constantly ambush her with their wheelchairs, canes and walkers.

Posted by: CJB | August 8, 2006 12:17 PM | Report abuse

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen comes to mind. The Baron starts off as an old man, but after every caper, he gets a little younger.

Posted by: Preslopsky | August 8, 2006 12:19 PM | Report abuse

How about Bush missing the deck of an aircraft carrier.

Posted by: Fairfax | August 8, 2006 1:07 PM | Report abuse

yes...
steven segal and lawrence fishburn...

Posted by: r thompson | August 8, 2006 1:45 PM | Report abuse

Tom Cruise if he acted and looked his age and in a few years MI33 but he will still look the same.

Posted by: me too | August 8, 2006 1:53 PM | Report abuse

Kidneystones Are Forever- Sean Connery, everyone's favorite James Bond, is back. This time Bond must thwart the evil Dr. Scholls and his dastardly plot to take over the world's supply of toupe adhesive. Along the way Bond meets the villainess Constance Pation and gains a new sidekick, the mysterious Hindu, N. Continent Bladder.

Posted by: kurosawaguy | August 8, 2006 2:20 PM | Report abuse

How about:
The Lost Guys
Kiefer Sutherland brings his velvet fog and 24-ass-kicking skills, Jamie Gertz still has all the vampires after her (but she dresses her age, so they're really after her Mommy skills), Jason Patric still pouts and emotes but hopefully he'll be bringing some Friends & Neighbors buffness, but the big payoff? Gettin' the Coreys back together! Haim is superlarge now, Feldman has been to the plastic surgeon a few too many times, but I'd love to see them fight evil together AGAIN. I think this time, they might actually mean it.

Posted by: miss belle | August 8, 2006 3:12 PM | Report abuse

Oh, and snaps for even mentioning Maude's daughter. Assume that even in assisted living, she's still bra-less.

Posted by: miss belle | August 8, 2006 3:15 PM | Report abuse

For what its worth, I heard a rumour that there really may be another Snake Plissken movie called 'Escape from Earth'.

Posted by: Paul | August 8, 2006 3:17 PM | Report abuse

Predator 4 - Hunting the Old

An aged governor is still trying to recover from his failed political career. While in hiding at Leisure World, he encounters an alien menance bent on hunting the elderly residents for sport. Will the wily old governor take a break from harassing the female residents and make one last campaign to save his community or will a cyborg from the future travel back in time to the 70s and poison our hero's protein shake before the Mr. Universe body building competition?

Posted by: JMama | August 8, 2006 3:51 PM | Report abuse

"he encounters an alien menance bent on hunting the elderly residents for sport."

Actually, this has already been done. See Bubba HoTep with Bruce Campbell as Elvis and Ossie Davis as JFK.

Posted by: kurosawaguy | August 8, 2006 4:13 PM | Report abuse

Bubba Ho Tep was a mummy, not an alien menace. Which means there is clearly a hole in the market just waiting to be filled by an Elderly vs. Predator-type film.

Posted by: law | August 8, 2006 4:30 PM | Report abuse

"Anny I have missed?"

Sure - "Superman - the Last Years."

He forgets he is Superman and lives out his life as Clark Kent. Sometimes he writes pieces slandering the old. But he hardly notices his own age. Sad.

Posted by: Gary Masters | August 8, 2006 4:40 PM | Report abuse

conan, the partially civilized. conan developes an allegry to fur and metal and must now wear cotton and wood while battling a group of farmers who want to settle in the land that belongs to conan.
rush hour 5, beyond loundon co., our intrepid heros get lost trying to find their way around a new development that popped up over night. mcmansions & suv drivers threaten them at every turn.

Posted by: quark | August 8, 2006 5:22 PM | Report abuse

Hey "Che" - isn't there a trash can you should be stenciling "Borf" on or something? Don't you think you might be missing your target audience with these postings? Get a job.

Posted by: Cheah-right | August 8, 2006 7:17 PM | Report abuse

Actually, "che" is a Klingon word meaning WARP SCROLL!

Posted by: Anonymous | August 9, 2006 2:37 PM | Report abuse

pyhgc [url=http://ppkn.com]test2[/url]

Posted by: John S | August 19, 2006 11:54 PM | Report abuse

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