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Posted at 10:48 AM ET, 08/21/2006

K-Fed Up With the Teen Choice Awards

By Liz Kelly

A decade and a half away from my teenage years, I am not ashamed to say that I thoroughly enjoyed watching last night's Teen Choice Awards. And by "thoroughly enjoyed" I mean an evening spent engaging in adolescent-style criticisms and witticisms about the entire production, ably assisted by my equally juvenile husband.

Confession: As K-Fed performed I wished that Ludacris and Snoop Dogg would suddenly spring onto the stage, ninja style, and lock him in his piano. (AP)

Still, some things about the show remain cryptic to my age-addled brain. No doubt there were parts of the production understood only by consumer culture drones between the ages of 13 - 19. Perhaps some teen, or the parent of a teen, can answer my lingering questions from last night's show:

1. Why was there a hot tub full of girls on the corner of the stage? I have to admit I only watched the last half hour of the show, but were they in that hot tub for the entire two-hour production? Did their skin float off by the end of the evening?

My Surmise:The massive entertainment-industrial complex wanted to reinforce the message that women have come a long way. They are no longer stereotypically barefoot and pregnant (unless you're a pop star from Louisiana). Indeed, they are bikini-clad and boiled.

2. What was wrong with Jessica Simpson? She came off as freakishly giddy -- whether feigning surprise over her baffling win for best movie breakout star ("Dukes of Hazzard" and I will not make a Proactiv joke here) or "comically" donning some grills to make a point about bling. She also apparently raided her sister's pre-surgery closet for her little girl Goth look.

My Surmise: She was hanging out backstage with Snoop Dogg and a little gin and juice.

3. How uncomfortable was Johnny Depp? When accepting the award for best actor, he sheepishly scratched his head while waiting for a venue full of teen girls to stop shrieking at him in lust. Then he mumbled out a hurried thanks and shuffled off the stage with his surfboard-sized award.

My Surmise: The notoriously reclusive Depp must've been conked on the head and spirited unconsious to the awards show by Disney execs. Oh, and girls, he's 43. Stick to Orlando Bloom and leave Depp to mom and Aunt Liz.

4. How much did Kevin Federline's performance bite? From his big surprise (that's him behind the piano. Snap!) to his out-of-breath rapping and embarassingly simple lyrics ("I'm in a whole other tax bracket." What, dependent?), K-Fed was by far the icing atop this cake of despair for America's youth.

My Surmise: No amount of marketing will make Mr. Spears a pop star. As noted by two perceptive friends, K-Fed reminded us of no one so much as an untalented version of Vanilla Ice. Yes, you heard me.

By Liz Kelly  | August 21, 2006; 10:48 AM ET
Categories:  Pop Culture, TV  
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Seriously, you should have seen Reese W. get her "award." She was like, um, this is much bigger than Oscar.

And how many teens saw Walk the Line, really?

Posted by: Niki | August 21, 2006 10:58 AM | Report abuse

K-Fed should do a remake of Cool as Ice! That would be AWEsome! And, of course, then we'd be able to sit back and make a rational comparison between him and Vanilla Ice, on equal territory.

Posted by: h3 | August 21, 2006 11:06 AM | Report abuse

Oh wow I am glad I was not the only person to get sucked into the Teen Choice vortex.
It was quite hilarious when Depp was out there with the screaming 14 year olds. I thought he was just going to grab the award and run. Maybe he was lucky and found a nice baby sitter for his kids though.
And yes, K-feds performance was AWFUL! I couldn't even watch the whole thing it was so bad. At least Vanilla Ice had a catchy hook, and that's not saying much.

Posted by: Melissa | August 21, 2006 11:10 AM | Report abuse

Sorry, I couldn't get myself to change the channel from Yanks-Sawks to watch this. But what I did see from clips on Fox 5 News at 10 was "Hey, he's trying to be Vanilla Ice! And he sucks!"

Posted by: Phil | August 21, 2006 11:14 AM | Report abuse

Does anyone know where online I can watch K-Fed's performance? I missed it!

Posted by: Missed it | August 21, 2006 11:23 AM | Report abuse

It's not on YouTube yet?

Posted by: Phil | August 21, 2006 11:24 AM | Report abuse

Posted by: h3 | August 21, 2006 11:32 AM | Report abuse

So, I had to set my tivo for that trainwreck last night. Dane Cook (who I normally love) was ehh. Jessica Simpson was terrible. Best part was Nick Lachey winning an award and noting the awkwardness of the situation. Pretty funny.

K-Fed was the best. I could not have hoped for a more terrible performance. He screwed up grabbing his microphone, did a lame shuffle all over the stage (thought he was a dancer?), and kept bumping into the dancers on stage. Classic tv. So glad I have it recorded.

Posted by: Fairfax mom | August 21, 2006 11:32 AM | Report abuse

Liz, are you the "aunt" you're referring to? And if so, nice choice in men. Johnny D., hubba hubba!

Which segues into why people who use "hubba hubba" would NOT be caught dead watching Teen Choice Awards. Because whatever teens choose, it's just plain awful.

During the 60s, there was "Hullaballo" and "Laugh-In." Awful! During the 70s there was "The Brady Bunch." Truly awful! And when I was a teen, I thought Timothy Dalton was so hot in "Wuthering Heights." It took me 15 years later to realize what a horrible actor he is.

What's with the surfboard as a trophy? Can't put that on a fireplace mantel - maybe in the garage, where it belongs. Heck, none of these "stars" surf anyway. And the babes and guy in the hot tub? Definitely "Laugh In" material.

If you all think this kind of television is bad, wait till we get to see what the next generation of teens thinks is "da bomb." We old fogeys will be first in line to get off the planet.

Posted by: loryjones | August 21, 2006 11:38 AM | Report abuse

I wager that K-Fed will have a shorter shelf life than a carton of milk in a busted fridge. Who knows, maybe this will be the death blow to rap?

Posted by: Tired of it | August 21, 2006 11:45 AM | Report abuse

Some of the stuff is too adult for the teen choice awards anyway! Since I think that their main audience is 10 to 14 not 13-19 as they say. I agree, how did Reese Witherspoon get that award? Do any teen know who Johnny Cash is?
Federline sucked, he needs to crawl back in the hole he came out of.
Britney needed to have a better dress, I swear I was seeing too much of her! Eek!
Liz, I'm I old enough to drool over Johnny Depp? He's still sexy, even though he is 43, and yeah that is creepy that 13 yr olds are screaming for him.
Still I am embarassed that I wouldn't know the music acts at that show if I tried. I'm going to go listen to my Our Lady Peace CDs now....

Posted by: Johnny Depp is hot | August 21, 2006 11:51 AM | Report abuse

Actually, what I found worse than Federline's 'performance' was what Britney wore onstage to introduce him. EW!

Posted by: Eww | August 21, 2006 11:55 AM | Report abuse

on K-fed: to paraphrase Voltaire, if the word "douchebag" did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.

Posted by: Nate | August 21, 2006 11:56 AM | Report abuse

I feel so embarrased for Britney!!

Posted by: Jonin in | August 21, 2006 12:01 PM | Report abuse

I caught the last 5 minutes of the show. It was five minutes too much for me. Kevin was AWFUL! (did we expect anything differently?) and Britanny still hasn't learned how to dress. Both of them are a disgrace to society. As far as I'm concerned they deserve each other.

Posted by: snoootty | August 21, 2006 12:04 PM | Report abuse

I have never actually read the lyrics to his "songs" before. I have heard bits and pieces of his "music" but can only stomach about 30 seconds of it.

I think this line from America's Most Hated says it all:
"Ah - thank you baby. I got a tip for you after this too girl, we all gonna go swimmin with women...dont forget your swim suit. "

Boy he sucks.

Posted by: Shaking my head | August 21, 2006 12:12 PM | Report abuse

Bikini-clad and boiled is all right. But first, a little roo-roo.

Posted by: byoolin | August 21, 2006 12:26 PM | Report abuse

...and then I read, "embarassingly simple lyrics ("I'm in a whole other tax bracket." What, dependent?)".

Damn, Miss Lizzle, you ARE the shizzle, if I may be so bold and 2004.

Posted by: byoolin, again | August 21, 2006 12:37 PM | Report abuse

In my humble opinion, 24 is a little young for drooling over Johnny Depp...if you remember first run 21 Jump Street episodes, then you definitely can drool.

Also, what was up with Jessica's fake and bake? Do people really tell her she looks good like that? Reminds me of the good old QT days.

Man, 1st run 21 Jump Street, QT - I'm dating myself today.

Posted by: junie | August 21, 2006 12:54 PM | Report abuse

all of the winners for the teen choice awards were for movies/shows/etc that had the most marketing dollars thrown behind them.

Posted by: pete | August 21, 2006 12:57 PM | Report abuse

I vaguely remember him on 21 Jump Street, (my older cousins liked the show), does it count if I remember him in Edward Scissorhands? Oh well, at least I'm not 13 and screaming for him at the teen choice awards!

Posted by: Johnny Depp is hot | August 21, 2006 1:02 PM | Report abuse

FINALLY!!!!! A great review of WAY-LESS-than great "entertainment" And yea, just WHAT is a hot-tub full of bathing-suit clad girls apropos of the Teen Choice Awards? Sending out ANOTHER good-sense message for our young, doomed female children. And K-Fed? He doesn't even deserve print-time...what a useless piece of flesh, breathing my precious air, drinking my precious water and utilizing our precious resources...ICK certainly comes to mind

Posted by: grouchy oldster | August 21, 2006 1:09 PM | Report abuse

Speaking of a vortex, I never thought I'd read a sentence with the words "Voltaire," "douchebag," and "K-fed" all worked in together. That's what we like to see, Nate!

You said:

"on K-fed: to paraphrase Voltaire, if the word "douchebag" did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it."

Posted by: Wow ... | August 21, 2006 1:11 PM | Report abuse

If memory serves, Johnny Depp has always looked uncomfortable when faced with a mob of screaming teenage girls. Isn't that part of the reason he left 21 Jump Street?

Signs I'm getting old: I thought Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" was entirely inappropriate for a tween audience - and I'm not even 30 yet.

Posted by: Old Fuddy Duddy | August 21, 2006 1:20 PM | Report abuse

You mean that wasn't Vanilla Ice?

Posted by: ljo211 | August 21, 2006 1:30 PM | Report abuse

I was lucky enough to have something better to do - I was watching paint dry.

As far as Britanny and her insignificant other are concerned - we all need to stop acknowledging their existence and maybe they will just go away. Seriously, stop pointing cameras at him/her/the likes of T.O., etc. and they may really just disappear.

Posted by: morethan2activebraincells | August 21, 2006 1:36 PM | Report abuse

at 11:10 AM August 21, 2006, Melissa wrote:

"At least Vanilla Ice had a catchy hook"

Well, yeah, because David Bowie wrote it.

As for the show, thanks you all for confirming that I didn't miss a thing by not watching.

Posted by: Party of One | August 21, 2006 1:47 PM | Report abuse

"we all need to stop acknowledging their existence and maybe they will just go away. Seriously, stop pointing cameras at him/her/the likes of T.O., etc. and they may really just disappear."

Amen to this, morethan2...wouldn't it be sweet if it were that simple? Can we add Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, etc. to the list? Please?

Actually, I see a Kafka-esque short story here, or perhaps and Ionesco-type play.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 21, 2006 2:03 PM | Report abuse

I think *I* was 13 when I first watched 21 Jump Street. And, now I'm going on 33. 13 year olds going wild over Johnny Depp now? That's just wrong.

Posted by: gross... | August 21, 2006 2:23 PM | Report abuse

Ms. Kelly, did you read my blog this morning? Your comments on K-Fed look alot like mine...

Posted by: The Nose | August 21, 2006 2:40 PM | Report abuse

OMG, he sucked so bad I could smell him in my living room. At least Britney didn't moon the audience.

Posted by: Ick | August 21, 2006 2:56 PM | Report abuse

Why can't Brittany stop eating?

She could be skinny in 2 weeks. But the girl must like grits with butter, eggs, bacon, biscuits, gravy and more than I can imagine. She's fat right now.

And she doesn't have anyone telling her that she's fat. She has a bunch of yes men around her. And federline is just there sucking off the teat (sorry, bad pun) called "brittany's bank account".

As for Federline himself. I found him entertaining, although I suspect no in the way he intended. I think he was rapping about how rich he is. That's funny considering he's never actually made any money. And then he's a dancer who can't dance. And he's a performer who looks awkward on stage. And and and... really. It's a funny moment.

Posted by: Bunkley | August 21, 2006 3:11 PM | Report abuse

K Fed rocked the house. What was up with Jessica Simpson making fun of Brooke Hogan. What a B! Jessica Simpson is fake.

Posted by: The 12th Imam al Madhi | August 21, 2006 3:34 PM | Report abuse

Was my youth ever this vacuous?! I keep hope against hope, that at some point, there had to be an executive involved in the planning who suddenly woke, realizing that he was about to put Keven Federline on tv to RAP, screamed the cable-television-version of "STOP THE PRESSES", and was immediately swarmed over by the bad-taste mafia, bound, gagged and hasn't been heard from since...

I'm in my mid-30s', have begun to feel the creep of getting 'older', but this reminds me that I'm not just getting older, I'm getting wiser....I wish some of the yokels responsible for that show would too...

Posted by: I'm sorry... | August 21, 2006 3:38 PM | Report abuse

These kids should be in Iran fighting the war on terrorists who attacked us on 9/11. They are too busy talking on their ipods, this is the worst generation, too desensitized to violence and hypocrisy.

Posted by: Death to Tyrants | August 21, 2006 3:42 PM | Report abuse

K-Fed non-fans, for a good time check out James Lipton's smarmy reading of the lyrics of K-Fed's "Popozao" on Conan's show:

HIGHLY worth the time, and quite frankly, I'd pay to see Mr. Lipton any day rather than Mr. Spears. Lipton wins my "30-Something Choice Award for Best Parody".

Posted by: Maritza | August 21, 2006 3:50 PM | Report abuse

All the cynicism in these comments is horrific. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Posted by: Eric | August 21, 2006 3:50 PM | Report abuse

Random thoughts...

I remember watching first-run episodes of "21 Jump Street," but back then it wasn't johnny Depp but Holly Robinson I was happily drooling over. (Still do to this day, even after the addition of the "Peete.") I always figured Grieco would be the breakout guy from that series, not JD. I'm kinda relieved I was wrong about that.

"What, dependent?" Priceless line, Liz!

Just caught Britney clip on Scarborough as I was typing this. Interesting choice of wardrobe; all she needed to perfectly accessorize it was a batch of big pink foam haircurlers. Having flashbacks to the hippo ballerinas from "Fantasia" now...

After seeing that K-Fed... what's the word I'm looking for? definitely not "performance"... on You Tube, I think I understand now why Britney smooches women onstage. How long till she dumps this talent-free leech, and will he afterwards reinvent himself as K-FedEx?

Okay, I'm done.

Posted by: KR20852 | August 21, 2006 10:08 PM | Report abuse

With regards to Reese, not to criticize her performance whatsoever because her performance in "Walk the Line" was great; just as I think about all of her performances are great. However she won because the 10-14 year olds who are actually interested in who wins a teen choice award are still rooting for Elle Woods to take home a trophy.

As for the girls in the hot tub, clearly they are grooming the next generation of teens to get excited over the prospect of possibly some day becoming lucky enough to do it again on the real world surrounded by solo cups, wondering just who will be the next ones in the house to hook up... could it finally be them???

Posted by: Anonymous | August 22, 2006 12:52 PM | Report abuse

Don't you think Reese is at that point in her career where she will be doing some cheesecake in Playboy?

Honestly, it's been downhill for her ever since...well, since... ummm. Well, perhaps it's all been downhill for her.

Posted by: Richard | August 22, 2006 5:10 PM | Report abuse

Find a "glamor" picture of Jessica Simpson, and with your hand cover her hair, but keep her forehead visible.

What do you see?

Yep. A guy.

I seriously think guys who find her hot are a touch bi. Not that I think it's bad. But she looks like a guy in drag. And trust me. That's not hot.

Posted by: Dunkley | August 22, 2006 11:43 PM | Report abuse

Okay given that this was the "Teen Choice Awards" and this is modern day youth. The answer to this Freak Awards Show (minus Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom) is that they were all backstage drinking gin and juice with Snoop and doing lines off each other's hot spots no doubt about it!!

Oh and I must say the K-Ferret's Performance was definitely the icing to this surreal show. I mean what was up with the kids? Does he not have backup Dancers his own age? Or is he really a closet Homosexual like Michael Jackson? I bet the latter because K-Ferret's main buddy squeezes were sitting front row giving him Props for that highly strange performance and not only that but K-Ferret's DoggPound get's all the hook ups whenever he spends money he's buying for 20. :)

Posted by: Noriah | August 23, 2006 1:22 AM | Report abuse

You know what on second thought if Britney Spears Boobs had popped out of the sleeping gown she was wearing than the show would have been worth it because than I would have had something to laugh at. Thank GOD she didn't lose her clothes though because the sight might have given me a heart attack.

Sweet Jesus woman cover up it's so gross to see the whole Whalehood factor all in our faces. I mean if you are going to continue to parade around Paparazzi making sure you get your pictures in all the magazines at least dress better and buy some class or maybe millions will never buy you class.

Posted by: Noriah | August 23, 2006 1:36 AM | Report abuse

Worst moment: K Fed's performance malfunction.

Second worst moment: K Fed's cocky demeanor when being interviewed on the red carpet. Oh Kev - you're my hero.

Most amusing moment: The camera pan of the audience when Mrs. K Fed walked out on stage. I've never seen so many dropped jaws.

Best surprise moment: The fact that I liked Nelly Furtado's song.

Most predictable moment: Jessica Simpson, who according to some reports is truly quite bright....well, she's not.

I'm pathetic, though. I did like the show and I want a surfboard, too.

Posted by: kcq100 | August 23, 2006 2:29 PM | Report abuse

If it weren't for my teen age kids I would have never seen this. I thought it was 20 years ago. Kevin to Brittney is like Bobby is to Whitney, except Bobby could sing. K Fed is a baby making (4 to date that we know of) back up dancer and should be happy with that. Leave the records and albums to the people who know what there doing. Someone better give Britney smelling salts or she will end up just like Whitney. I thought I was in a time warp. Does Rap even sound like that anymore? I must admit, I don't usually listen to Rap music but I can say this, that was awful!

Posted by: 40something | August 23, 2006 8:33 PM | Report abuse

I thought Dane was pretty funny...ut poor Jess, I mean I lover her n all, but her little surprose outburst when getting that award, was just too much for me to take.
Nick's little speech mustvebeen too much 4 her to take

Posted by: Oh, Jessica Jessica | August 23, 2006 10:25 PM | Report abuse

Sh*t we missed the whole Teen Choice thing! Anyone know if it'll re-air, or anyone selling VHS/DVD's of this? hposter at

Posted by: Harry | August 24, 2006 11:20 AM | Report abuse


Posted by: ANNETTA | August 31, 2006 10:34 PM | Report abuse

And you wonder why Tweens in America are so screwed up? Look who their Idols are: Britney knocked up twice and showed up in that skimpy breast popping gown baring all that preggoness. Nelly Furtado telling the world she is a promiscious flip who was a good girl turned Nympho and now is a "ManEater".

I kept thinking to myself what the hell is going on? Why were all the Celebrities acting so giddyishly airheadish?

But the most disturbing thing was Kevin Federline performing with all those young boys it was a bit too Michael Jackson for me. He peaked way too soon. Yes I hate the lucky SOB for licking his way to fame and yes I'm refering to clitoris. But his music isn't half bad if he had the right producers and if he didn't have to put that Britney sound in his music, but I hear no one in Hollywood wants to touch his tainted life with Britney Spears and the ex Sharisse Jackson.

Well Jesus America good luck in cleaning up this big mess because if this is what our young Americans soon to be running this world looks like it's scary.

Posted by: Kalista | September 1, 2006 12:26 AM | Report abuse

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