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Posted at 10:44 AM ET, 08/16/2006

Paris vs. Nicole, Again and Again

By Liz Kelly

Sadly, they even compete for the best sultry over-the-left-shoulder pose. (Photos: Reuters/Getty Images)

AOL, long recognized as a purveyor of quality Internet content, has a present for us. Two, in fact. Both Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are featured in two new debuts over at AOL Music: Nicole's in dad Lionel Richie's video for the new song "I Call It Love" and Paris' album, "Paris", is now available for free streaming in its entirety.

Paris' New Tracks | Nicole's Video Debut

What timing. It's as if the poor things are in their own velvet-roped circle of hell in which they are doomed to some kind of eternal competition for bad relationships, bad outfits, bad diets and bad press (not necessarily in that order).

How do the girls stack up in what has become, yet again, a mano-a-mano contest? My grades are below (Scale of 1 - 10 with 10 being the highest score):

Actual Talent: Nicole 5 | Paris 3

Nicole demonstrates an amazing ability to act, if shopping and hanging out at a trendy club whilst wearing an Audrey Hepburn-esque ensembles constitutes acting. Less convincing is the premise that she'd go for a campus peace activist or be caught dead listening to her dad's new, weak song.

In the spirit of saying something nice, I will say that Paris is very good at that breathless/whisper style of singing popularized by Janet Jackson about 10 years ago. In the spirit of telling the truth, the backing music is fine but uninspired and the lyrics are embarrassingly bad: "All the boys/They want to fi-ight over me," "My heart beats like a drum/And I hear you come" and the obviously aimed at Nicole, "You used to be that shoulder/I could lean on through it all/but now it's getting colder."

I would rather listen to Vincent Gallo's spooky "I Wrote This Song for the Girl Paris Hilton" on an endless loop than ever have to listen to "Paris" again.

Cheese Factor: Nicole 6 | Paris 10

Nicole is somewhat blameless in this case. Her dad's the one largely responsible for this addition to his voluminous catalog -- some might call it a "wheel" -- of cheese. However, Nicole must be penalized for guilt by association. She was once affianced to a hip deejay, she should know better.

To calculate the relative cheesiness Paris' songs, recall Aqua's one-hit single "Barbie Girl." Pretty cheesy, yes? Well, Paris' songs are exponentially cheesier without the benefit of any annoying catchiness.

Ickiness Factor: Nicole 3 | Paris 9

Nicole starring as the love interest in her dad's video isn't as icky as Liv Tyler's pole-dancing debut in Aerosmith's (ahem, that'd be her dad Steven Tyler's band) "Crazy" video. Still, Nicole's tiny little frame crowned with freakishly large bug-eyed sunglasses kind of grosses me out.

In the case of Paris, the lyrics reek of ick (please see lyrics sampled above or assess the nastiness of this additional transcription: "You should know/what it's like when it hurts/but it feels so right"). Some are also somewhat embarrassing -- the girl's cutting her first album and has nothing better to sing about than her falling out with Nicole Richie?

Toxicity: Nicole: 10 | Paris 10

This is a tough call. Both girls' efforts rendered me incoherent and in need of serious detox. After a little brandy and a little Motorhead, though, I was good to go.

Let's all spend some time today ruminating on Paris' haunting words, which wistfully recall the days when the girls were fresh-faced reality TV newbies, as yet unspoilt less spoilt by delusions of grandeur:

How did all the good between us turn so bad
Maybe someday we'll get back what we had

By Liz Kelly  | August 16, 2006; 10:44 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton  
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Ah, Barbie Girl. Now there's a guilty pleasure song.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 16, 2006 11:48 AM | Report abuse

enough enough enough. please stop reporting on paris and propagating her vacuous existence.

Posted by: hi | August 16, 2006 12:00 PM | Report abuse

But how do they compare to "American Pie"?

Posted by: Anonymous | August 16, 2006 12:14 PM | Report abuse

It occurs to me that Paris and Nicole have had well in excess of the fifteen minutes Mr. Warhol allotted them. So, Liz, in the interest of reducing the more unnecessary aspect of your workload, I suggest that in future any piece about either of them consist entirely of the word "Whatever," hyperlinked to the source material.
Saves our eyes, saves your fingers, lets those interested still get what they need/want.

Posted by: byoolin | August 16, 2006 12:43 PM | Report abuse

Nicole looks a little chubby in that photo.

Posted by: Ttlsccr | August 16, 2006 1:19 PM | Report abuse

Very funny, Ttlsccr.

Posted by: Liz | August 16, 2006 1:48 PM | Report abuse

I like the WHATEVER suggestion. I also like pictures of Nicole from when she had lost a little weight and looked like a normal Fabulous Non-Real-Job Having Celebrity. If you must include photos, please find one of the old "good" ones (realizing that there are very few "good" pix of Paris, maybe just use a stock Eiffel Tower pic?)

Posted by: miss belle | August 16, 2006 1:53 PM | Report abuse

I would like to second, or third, or fourth the nomination for ENOUGH OF THESE TWO! For a couple of nitwits who specialty is their nitwittery, these yokels keep getting on the screen? How? I, and certainly noone I know, is even remotely interested in either of these two? So who is responsible for the continuing updates?! Who ASKS, "How is Nicole Ritchie doing...?" These two are the only reason that Anna Nicole Smith still looks like she's got her stuff together...

Find them.....find them and ship them away....I don't care where...

Posted by: Fred Evil | August 16, 2006 1:59 PM | Report abuse

".....find them and ship them away...."

Oh noes! Where would we funnel bad karma and negativity in that case? Humans like to sit in the corner and throw foul fruit at fools. Moar please!

Posted by: El Tonno | August 16, 2006 3:11 PM | Report abuse

Paris's new album is no more or less bleh than anything else pop has ever managed to produce. If I had to pick one over the other, though, I'd toss'em both to the curb and make a high speed pass at Paris's sister, Nikky, the one with a brain, a business, and some self respect.

As for the Ick Factor, draggin Liv Tyler through the muck is a little tacky, considering she actually does possess a modicum of talent, the ability NOT to be seen on camera between movie deals, and something resembling a real career, along with having NOT grown up with her daddy's silver spoon lodged in her mouth. If Steve-o was behind doting on her a bit to help her along, I'd call that making up for lost time and forgive it. The "Crazy" video was suggestive, but hardly "One Night In Paris"...

Posted by: James | August 16, 2006 3:37 PM | Report abuse

Write about what you want liz, you entertain me at work. I like mindless banter about meaningless things;it takes the edge off my mindless work.

Posted by: picturethis | August 16, 2006 4:04 PM | Report abuse

Perhaps some smarmy mogul could compel Skeletor (NRichie) and Genitalia (PHilton) to team up with Fire-Crotch (LLohan), Drunky (TReid), and Dusty (KMoss, simply for a X-Atlantic link) to form a cat-scratching girl band called The Vapid Lacunas.

The caterwauling would be atrocious, but if you strapped those little metal talons used in cockfighting to their spindly legs it could be a good made-for-cable, steel-cage match spectacle during recording sessions.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 16, 2006 5:39 PM | Report abuse

Like we didn't already know he was a lying sack of thieving poo? There is now a tenth ring of hell waiting for him and his sidekick, GWBJ. And their host is....the dead guy from Enron whose creepy name escapes me. I have to go fix dinner.

Posted by: to che | August 16, 2006 6:21 PM | Report abuse

Wait, someone lets Che fix them dinner?

The band idea? Awesome, particularly the names. I'm thinking KISS makeup would go nicely, although the gals might get confused and start eating it...

Posted by: miss belle | August 16, 2006 6:57 PM | Report abuse

Liz, I can't imagine why the press is still on these girls.
They aren't particularly smart, funny or beutiful.
Its repugnant how they make fun of underpriviledged people,

Posted by: Quoi | August 16, 2006 7:24 PM | Report abuse

I second Quoi's obervations. It is scary that the Post thinks these two clowns who have never worked for anything in their lives and add to their unearned riches with shows that mock working people is somehow worth paying writers to spend more time on. Pathetic really.

Posted by: Steve | August 16, 2006 9:39 PM | Report abuse

i love the show keep workingn on it your are very hot i would like to have sex with you and i would love to see you naked

Posted by: dangelo | September 14, 2006 2:27 PM | Report abuse

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