Paris vs. Nicole, Again and Again
AOL, long recognized as a purveyor of quality Internet content, has a present for us. Two, in fact. Both Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are featured in two new debuts over at AOL Music: Nicole's in dad Lionel Richie's video for the new song "I Call It Love" and Paris' album, "Paris", is now available for free streaming in its entirety.
What timing. It's as if the poor things are in their own velvet-roped circle of hell in which they are doomed to some kind of eternal competition for bad relationships, bad outfits, bad diets and bad press (not necessarily in that order).
How do the girls stack up in what has become, yet again, a mano-a-mano contest? My grades are below (Scale of 1 - 10 with 10 being the highest score):
Actual Talent: Nicole 5 | Paris 3
Nicole demonstrates an amazing ability to act, if shopping and hanging out at a trendy club whilst wearing an Audrey Hepburn-esque ensembles constitutes acting. Less convincing is the premise that she'd go for a campus peace activist or be caught dead listening to her dad's new, weak song.
In the spirit of saying something nice, I will say that Paris is very good at that breathless/whisper style of singing popularized by Janet Jackson about 10 years ago. In the spirit of telling the truth, the backing music is fine but uninspired and the lyrics are embarrassingly bad: "All the boys/They want to fi-ight over me," "My heart beats like a drum/And I hear you come" and the obviously aimed at Nicole, "You used to be that shoulder/I could lean on through it all/but now it's getting colder."
I would rather listen to Vincent Gallo's spooky "I Wrote This Song for the Girl Paris Hilton" on an endless loop than ever have to listen to "Paris" again.
Cheese Factor: Nicole 6 | Paris 10
Nicole is somewhat blameless in this case. Her dad's the one largely responsible for this addition to his voluminous catalog -- some might call it a "wheel" -- of cheese. However, Nicole must be penalized for guilt by association. She was once affianced to a hip deejay, she should know better.
To calculate the relative cheesiness Paris' songs, recall Aqua's one-hit single "Barbie Girl." Pretty cheesy, yes? Well, Paris' songs are exponentially cheesier without the benefit of any annoying catchiness.
Ickiness Factor: Nicole 3 | Paris 9
Nicole starring as the love interest in her dad's video isn't as icky as Liv Tyler's pole-dancing debut in Aerosmith's (ahem, that'd be her dad Steven Tyler's band) "Crazy" video. Still, Nicole's tiny little frame crowned with freakishly large bug-eyed sunglasses kind of grosses me out.
In the case of Paris, the lyrics reek of ick (please see lyrics sampled above or assess the nastiness of this additional transcription: "You should know/what it's like when it hurts/but it feels so right"). Some are also somewhat embarrassing -- the girl's cutting her first album and has nothing better to sing about than her falling out with Nicole Richie?
Toxicity: Nicole: 10 | Paris 10
This is a tough call. Both girls' efforts rendered me incoherent and in need of serious detox. After a little brandy and a little Motorhead, though, I was good to go.
Let's all spend some time today ruminating on Paris' haunting words, which wistfully recall the days when the girls were fresh-faced reality TV newbies, as yet
unspoilt less spoilt by delusions of grandeur:
How did all the good between us turn so bad
Maybe someday we'll get back what we had
| August 16, 2006; 10:44 AM ET
Categories: Celebrities, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton
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