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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 09/28/2006

Lindsay's Jailhouse Pen Pal, aka Dad

By Liz Kelly

If you're currently an inmate at New York's Collins Correctional Facility please do not print this picture and post it in your cell. Lindsay's pop will be really PO'd. (AFP/Getty Images)

While we were busy paying attention to unimportant twaddle (Screech's sex tape and the musical chair paternity of Anna Nicole's new baby) Michael Lohan -- the imprisoned father of Lindsay -- apparently sent yet another message to daddy's little girl via tabloids.

The fact that he's received no response from previous missives, songs and freakish cartoons must be spurring him to continue these heartfelt parental communiques. His messenger of choice this time was the U.K's Sun newspaper. Perhaps Lloyd Grove finally cut him off.

Why does Michael keep writing his estranged daughter and in such public fora? A de-coded version of his Sun letter is appended below:

It pains me to have to write to you like this, but it's evident that my letters never reach you. My messages never get to you and "people" continue to build walls between us.

By "people" I mean prison guards, the laws I broke and your uncle, who left me no choice but to beat him -- severely -- about the head with a shoe.

I can't even begin to tell you how very sorry I am for causing you (and our family) the heartache and embarrassment I have.

Because I'm going to need a little cash when I'm released. Hey, look, I even got the guys here to stop fantasizing about you. Why? Because daddy cares.

I hold you absolutely blameless for all that's been said and portrayed, as I know it has been under the advice of others, to sway both the courts and public opinion. I also know the pain that comes with love, especially when two hearts and lives are divided. Sometimes we run -- we seek to hide or just escape from the pain.

Just so you hear it from me before anyone else, I too tried to run to escape from the pain and, in my case, I ran straight into the arms of your "Herbie: Fully Loaded" stunt double and slept with her. Don't be freaked out by this. I realized it wasn't you!

In the meantime, people are either whispering in our ear, giving self-serving advice, or out to protect their own interests.

The only person whispering in my ear is the big guy and he says to welcome back your old man with open arms. Maybe stop partying so much. Don't want to damage the goods beyond repair. We can milk this thing for another few years if you're careful. No more broken wrists, okay?

Unfortunately sweetheart, while you are so talented and blessed you have become their interest! As I told you all along, this would happen. You are an amazingly blessed, talented, intelligent and loving person. Use it to do good! To set an example by putting God and his principles first. Your love for life and people is a gift.

You have a big bank account and god wants you to share it with me. Calling you smart and pretty works every time. Do not succumb to your mom the dark side.

I trust you, I believe in you and I will love and protect you until my dying breath, and if that's what it takes, so be it!

If you don't keep dad in cars and Rolexes, you'll kill me.

Please know how much I miss all of you. Stay strong my Angel! God bless you and stay strong!

Oh, and please stop with the leggings already. Trust me on this one.

By Liz Kelly  | September 28, 2006; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities  
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