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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 10/18/2006

Celebritology Clip 'n' Save: My Name Is Lindsay Lohan, and I am a(n)...

By Liz Kelly

Lindsay Lohan recently shared a few naive quaint innocent aspirations with InStyle magazine: "I want to get married before I'm 30. And have my house. And make the kind of record I want. And I'd like to win an Oscar before then," said the 20-year-old. (

In the interest of helping Lindsay achieve one, if not all, of these goals, Celebritology offers a handy 12-step tip sheet (below) that Lindsay can print out, laminate and carry in her purse at all times -- next to the subpoenas.

About that stylist... (AP)

A Few Quick Tips for Hollywood's Teetering-est Celebutante:

1. Go to college. (See Foster, Jodie; Danes, Claire; Portman, Natalie; Stiles, Julia -- i.e., women with careers beyond Page Six who never show up on The experience will be invaluable, and it will give the Olsen twins one less thing to lord over you.

2. This is kind of a duh, but maybe limit partying to three nights a week. You'll find yourself with much more time available for other incidentals like sleeping, eating, showering, working and generally learning about the daylight world.

3. Continually ask yourself: "Is my stylist my friend or my enemy?" Hire and fire accordingly.

4. Avoid pop song tie-ins to movies in which you star. Also, Disney remakes are not usually the quickest path to Oscar nominations. (See "Herbie Fully Loaded" and "First").

5. Chateau Marmont is not a home (unless by "home," you're going for a skanky, debauched, pathetic homeless-little-rich girl vibe).

6. Next year when you turn 21, make sure you don't overindulge in alcoholic beverages. (Wink.)

7. Avoid blanket statments such as "I only work with big-name directors now." This is no way to curry favor with Hollywood's rising class of next-big-things. Remember, today's Jared Hess is tomorrow's Martin Scorsese. One movie with Robert Altman does not give you street cred among the Hollywood aristocracy.

8. Don't refer to U.S. Senators by their first names unless you actually know them.

9. Paris Hilton is not now, and has never been, your friend. Learn it. Live it.

10. See above. Then date people for some reason other than revenge.

11. Kissing some other dude usually is not the way to win back your boyfriend's trust and affection.

12. Mantra: "Tara Reid is not a role model."

Celebritology field agent Lisa Todorovich contributed (a lot) to this piece.

By Liz Kelly  | October 18, 2006; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Clip N' Saves, Lindsay Lohan  
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