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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 12/19/2006

Celebritology Holiday Guide: Four Presents of the Apocalypse

By Liz Kelly

If you're like me -- and I hope you're not -- you delight in giving perverse gifts. My long-suffering family has been victimized by years of Velvet Elvis paintings, blankets depicting hawks or unicorns, Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia and other assorted straight-to-the-basement items. My Christmas miracle is that I have not yet been disowned.

As the final installment in this year's Celebritology Holiday Guide, I offer four celebrity-related presents that are just plain wrong and, therefore, sure to make you the hit of any holiday celebration.


(Courtesy Charisma Brands, LLC)

1. Freakish Dolls Designed by Marie Osmond
Remember Marie Osmond? Half of the toothy smiling wholesome Donnie & Marie show back in the '70s? Well, turns out this Mormon teen angel prototype is now a dollmaker and, in collectible doll circles, apparently well-respected. Surprise your loved ones with a $25 gift certificate or just go right for the jugular by ordering up one of Marie's lovely dollies -- perhaps a Kewpie Frosty or the Adora Belle Holiday 2005 doll? She's just $79.95 and writes her own blog. What's scarier is that people write back.


(Courtesy ShopElvis.com)

2. Elvis Stuff
If only I'd had access to the ShopElvis.com when I was in college. Alas, we didn't have the Internets when I was in college, so I was confined to finding my Elvis gifts at truck stops along the I-81 corridor. However, it would've filled me with joy (and my family with terror) to order up goodies like a yard of festive Elvis holiday fabric or an authentic blue holiday light from Graceland complete with certificate of authenticity (Yes, you will pay $39.99 for an old useless lightbulb). Though if you have any traditionalists on your list, you may want to opt for the Graceland at Christmastime sculpture.

Bonus: Give your family a night to remember with the gift of the "Dancing Outlaw" DVD. An absolute classic, this documentary follows the adventures of West Virginia's Jesco White -- who sometimes answers to "Elvis", but always answers to crazy. Here's a little taste. (I gave Weingarten this last year. I bet he hasn't watched it yet. He may even be re-gifting it this very moment.)


(Courtesy the Jimmy Stewart Museum)

3. Jimmy Stewart Stuff
Look, Zuzu -- because of his legendary role in "It's a Wonderful Life," Jimmy Stewart is inextricably tied to the American Holiday experience. So what better way to commemorate his place in the holiday pantheon by giving Jimmy Stewart Christmas ornaments this year? What Christmas tree wouldn't look better with a cowboy hat-wearing Stewart surrounded by candy canes and tinsel? For those looking for something a little bit more outre, why not a nice set of Jimmy Stewart Pilsner Glasses?


(Courtesy theleglamp.com)

4. Leg Lamps for All!
Love Jimmy and all, but "A Christmas Story" reigns as my favorite holiday movie. Life is far from perfect as are the gifts exchanged in this tale of mistle-woe. So imagine my delight when I found theleglamp.com, purveyors of the "officially sanctioned" lamp featured in the movie. In fact, the company is currently selling a collectible version signed by the movie's child actors for just, umm, $439.95. But it comes with a certificate of authenticity.

By Liz Kelly  | December 19, 2006; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Holiday Guide  
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Comments

http://www.redriderleglamps.com/ is the source of leg lamps, from the guy who bought the house in Cleveland, where some of the movie was filmed.

Posted by: See the house in Cleveland! | December 19, 2006 12:21 PM | Report abuse

Why do you refer to Marie Osmond as this "Mormon teen angel prototype"? I don't seem to remember you ever talking about Jessica Simpson as a Baptist Sex Pot, or Sarah Silverman as a Jewish bombshell? Could you be letting a bit of unnoticed prejudice slip out here? This Catholic husband prototype thinks maybe so.

Posted by: Rick | December 19, 2006 12:30 PM | Report abuse

if you had been at the auction this past summer, you could have had elvis' favorite seat on the "Zippin Pippin" roller coaster from Memphis' LibertyLand for a mere $2,500. Only problem was that the rest of teh roller coaster came with it.

Posted by: b | December 19, 2006 12:32 PM | Report abuse

if you had been at the auction this past summer, you could have had elvis' favorite seat on the "Zippin Pippin" roller coaster from Memphis' LibertyLand for a mere $2,500. Only problem was that the rest of the roller coaster came with it.

http://www.commercialappeal.com/mca/local/article/0,2845,MCA_25340_5100151,00.html

Posted by: b | December 19, 2006 12:33 PM | Report abuse

We bought my grandfather the leg lamp last year for Christmas as a joke and he loves it! It has a place of honor in the front room so all the neighbors can bask in its warm glow. Apparently it comes in different sizes now because we got him a much more managable table lamp size. Grandmother still hates us for it though and has vowed revenge...we shall see what happens.

Posted by: Melissa | December 19, 2006 1:28 PM | Report abuse

HIs piano is being auctioned.... bid's at about $260,000 now....

http://www.freesell.com/auctiondetails.php?itemname=Elvis-Presleys-White-Grand-Piano-from-Graceland&id=100942

Posted by: more elvis stuff | December 19, 2006 1:30 PM | Report abuse

Holy crap, those are some seriously freaky dolls.

Posted by: Hah | December 19, 2006 1:33 PM | Report abuse

Rick, if that is your real name...

The Osmonds defined what it was to be a Mormon family to me and all the other glued-to-the-tube kids in the 70's. Marie is famously Mormon. Whereas Jessica is not famously Baptist, if she even is... which is kind of my point... I have no idea.

Posted by: booger | December 19, 2006 1:56 PM | Report abuse

Oh thank you thank you thank you for the ShopElvis link! This may very well be the year I out-bad my bad gift giving bother-in-law...

Posted by: KiKi | December 19, 2006 2:00 PM | Report abuse

PS - I went with the Life-Size Talking Elvis in Gold Lame. Worth every penny!

Posted by: KiKi | December 19, 2006 2:01 PM | Report abuse

Marie Osmond was at the Doll and Teddy Bear Expo here in August. The autograph line was ever so slightly scary.

Posted by: fs | December 19, 2006 2:04 PM | Report abuse

Liz,

You are a riot! However, when the first picture of Suri Cruise surfaced my comment on this post was that she (Suri) looked like a Marie Osmond doll. I stand to correct myself......the Marie Osmond doll looks far worse.

Posted by: snoootty | December 19, 2006 2:20 PM | Report abuse

Thank you Che for giving me a reason to post about the Osmond Doll and Jimmy Steward Xmas ornaments at otherside123.blogspot.com, www.wsws.org, www.onlinejournal.com and www.takingaim.info.

I'm sure they will enjoy the info as much as we enjoy yours.

Posted by: BF | December 19, 2006 2:20 PM | Report abuse

Booger,
Rick is my real name,why you doubt that I don't know. It's not like I thought, hmm, what's a cool online name, Booger? No, I got it, Rick, that's way cool!

My point is Masrie Osmond's Mormonism relates nothing to the story, and is not relevant to her success in the 70s, nor her doll business. As a teens in the 70s, her religion never came up, but her being foxy (hot wasn't in use then) did. I just notice that when people write about Mormons (and a few other groups)they tend to add that to the description, which in fact, adds nothing.

Jessica Simpson is famously Baptist. Her father was a minister, and she started singing in church, which was frequently mentioned in her early years. She also made a big deal about her virginity, so it tied together in the early days. Now, she is known for being ditzy and trashy. No one refers to her religion, which is fine, as it isn't relevant. Sort of like Marie Osmonds, which is my point.

Posted by: Rick | December 19, 2006 2:37 PM | Report abuse

So, how well does it pay to find stupid things on the web? Must be a great job for the Post to have a couple columns of crap. That being said, those dolls are ugly. If you want out and out weird go to thinkgeek and buy a plush representation of your favorite virus.

Posted by: Chris | December 19, 2006 2:41 PM | Report abuse

Chris, are they celebrity viruses? If not, there's no celebrity connection like the items Liz found (hence the blog name, Celebritology)

And don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Posted by: BF | December 19, 2006 3:16 PM | Report abuse

When it comes to gift giving, I plan on emulating Justin Timberlake in the SNL video. ;-D>

Posted by: Mister Methane | December 19, 2006 3:32 PM | Report abuse

Rick,

The Osmonds were famously Mormon, as you may recall if you think for a moment. (And don't even get me started on that pervy Simpson dad -- ew.) My real exception to your first post, however, has to do with Sarah Silverman. Excuse me -- BOMBSHELL??? Are you insane? Good god, man, she's plain as a pikestaff with a wardrobe fresh out of the Salvation Army.

Posted by: kd | December 19, 2006 3:42 PM | Report abuse

If you think the Marie Osmond dolls are creepy, you should take a look at this site: http://www.blessings-catalog.com/nundolls.html

It is a pervert's dream come true!

Posted by: the wise one | December 20, 2006 9:43 AM | Report abuse

JESCO HAS FINALLY MADE THE BIG TIME!!!

I had no idea anyone outside of the state of WV had heard of the legend that is Jesco!

NOW YOU SHALL ALL KNOW OF HIS GREATNESS!!

Posted by: Bored @ work | December 20, 2006 10:01 AM | Report abuse

And oh yeah, is it wrong that I think that snowman is kinda cute?

Posted by: Bored @ work | December 20, 2006 10:02 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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