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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 12/ 8/2006

Friday List: A Star-Studded Wish List

By Liz Kelly

If he only had a brain. (Photo illustration by Mr. Liz for

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore because Kevin Federline is making news for trying to become a better person. Yep, you heard that right, K-Fed -- borrowing a page from "The Wizard of Oz's" Scarecrow -- is trying to get his own brain. If K-Fed's fondest wish is for a little gray matter to fill his empty head, what quality or essential item do stars like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Jennifer Aniston need to head into 2007 stronger than ever? This Friday we'll play the role of the Great and Powerful Oz by identifying the one thing celebrities need to be complete this holiday season.

To get the list started, below are a few examples compiled with Celebritology field agent Frank Thomason:

Britney Spears: Maturity (though a publicist would be a close second).
Paris Hilton: The "What to Expect When You're Expecting" gift set. (Hilton recently expressed a wish to have kids soon).
Lindsay Lohan: A reality check and "Touch Typing in 10 Lessons." (See LL's recent e-mailing skills.)
Jennifer Aniston: A personality (no explanation necessary).
Naomi Campbell: Anger management classes.
Gwyneth Paltrow: British citizenship.
Mel Gibson and Michael Richards: A time machine.
Star Jones-Reynolds: A new "View." (Or, heck, even a mention here is better than nothing.)

You get the idea, now share your entries. The top 10 will be compiled into a "best of" list, so make sure to use a handle you don't mind seeing in bold type.

By Liz Kelly  | December 8, 2006; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Friday Lists  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Morning Mix: Britney Spears Has a Message for You
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Scary Spice - A paternity test

Posted by: Falls Church | December 8, 2006 11:14 AM | Report abuse

Lindsey needs a basic literacy class, I think--or, better still, how about a full-on high school education? She seems pretty ignorant of her place in the world, honestly believing that it's appropriate to suggest that Bill Clinton tutor her.


Posted by: Eskimo | December 8, 2006 11:15 AM | Report abuse

Clay Aiken - Purell hand sanitizer

Posted by: not bluto | December 8, 2006 11:18 AM | Report abuse

Why do you seem to dislike Jennifer Anniston so much?

Posted by: ckf | December 8, 2006 11:25 AM | Report abuse

Kate Bosworth--a sandwich

Posted by: the ocho | December 8, 2006 11:34 AM | Report abuse

KFed - really tight tighty-whiteys.

They're supposed to decrease fertility, right?

Posted by: Cubeland, MD | December 8, 2006 11:35 AM | Report abuse

Paris Hilton - tubal ligation

Posted by: neener | December 8, 2006 11:35 AM | Report abuse

Everybody gets a self-help book (actual titles):

Lindsay: "Stay Sober and Straight : How to Prevent Addiction Relapse with the Rational Self-Help Treatment Method"

K-Fed: "Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back"

Britney: "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior"

Madonna: "Positive Magic: Occult Self-Help"

Mel, Michael, Damon, Andy: "The Gift of Guilt; 10 Steps To Freedom From Guilt, Forever"

Katie Cruise (she'll need it eventually): "Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress"

Kirstie Alley (145 pounds, my ***): "Slim Forever - For Women: Subliminal Self Help"

Posted by: barbs | December 8, 2006 11:37 AM | Report abuse

Jennifer Aniston: Needs to write a book titled "how to not let a ho steal your man."

She needs that way more than a new personality.

Posted by: Irish chick | December 8, 2006 11:40 AM | Report abuse

Britney Spears: gift certificate to Victoria's Secret

Naomi Campbell: lifetime supply of cellphones (doesn't she keep hitting people with them?)

Katie Holmes: divorce attorney

K-Fed: vasectomy

Posted by: still | December 8, 2006 11:48 AM | Report abuse

"Katie Holmes: divorce attorney"


Katie Holmes: Cult intervention

Posted by: Irish chick | December 8, 2006 11:53 AM | Report abuse

Did Lindsay and/or Britney graduate from high school?

Posted by: C. | December 8, 2006 12:06 PM | Report abuse

Britney Spears' Children: Adoptive family

Victoria Beckham: Sammich.

Jessica Simpson: "Memory" by Milton Bradley

Posted by: Berta | December 8, 2006 12:07 PM | Report abuse

Oprah: New couch & new 'best' friend.

Posted by: Snubbed | December 8, 2006 12:10 PM | Report abuse

Britney: easy breezy panty dispenser with front door and car attachment

Katie Holmes-Cruise: a foolproof escape route and multiple disguises

Victoria Beckham: a new stylist and free meals for a year

Pam Anderson: unlimited double sided tape in flesh tone

Posted by: petal | December 8, 2006 12:10 PM | Report abuse

Kate Moss - a razorblade, a mirror, and the phone number of another pathetic musician

Jennifer Anniston - the Brangelina Sonogram that owns

Lorne Michaels - the phone number for Brother Theodore, because the least funny show on television about live saturday night comedy should have a single writer that elicits a laugh once in a decade.

Posted by: Quintilius Varus | December 8, 2006 12:18 PM | Report abuse

They ALL need parents that would actually bother to parent them.

Posted by: Bored @ work | December 8, 2006 12:32 PM | Report abuse

Tori Spelling-A good ghostwriter and an inexpensive nanny

Posted by: BB | December 8, 2006 12:35 PM | Report abuse

Taylor Hicks - Gift Certificate to Arthur Murray

Posted by: not bluto | December 8, 2006 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Taylor Hicks - Gift Certificate to Arthur Murray

Joey Lawrence - Gift Certificate to Arthur Murray... WHOA!

Posted by: not bluto | December 8, 2006 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Tom Cruise: high heel man shoes

Ashlee Simpson: singing lessons

Beyonce: better fake birth certificate

Posted by: still | December 8, 2006 12:46 PM | Report abuse

Wesley Snipes: a good accountant

Tom Cruise: a therapist and some ritalin

Posted by: Anonymous | December 8, 2006 12:54 PM | Report abuse

Suri Cruise-- A paternity Test.

Posted by: PictureThis | December 8, 2006 1:02 PM | Report abuse

Do you realize that nearly all the people on this list are women? And yet, that the worst offenders on it (Richards and Gibson) are men? If you're going to put celebrities under a microscope, please don't let the guys off with 'boys will be boys.'

Posted by: Bethesda, Md. | December 8, 2006 1:24 PM | Report abuse

Lindsay Lohan: a DVD of the PBS biography "Judy Garland: By Myself"

Kevin Federline: one of the dolls used in SexEd classes to teach teenagers about actually caring for a baby (in the hopes he might rethink his "sole custody" demand)

Posted by: Kate | December 8, 2006 1:25 PM | Report abuse

Lindsay Lohan- New Parents
Eddie Murphy- DNA test on the Murray Povich's Show
Victoria Beckham-Cheese burger deluxe with diet soda
Kevin Federline-A McDonald's Uniform
Britney Spears-Endorsement deal with Hanes (Look who we've got our Hanes on now)

Posted by: Lisa | December 8, 2006 1:30 PM | Report abuse

George Clooney: a copy of Brad Pitt's high school yearbook

Mel Gibson: a first edition copy of "Night"

First Lady Laura Bush: an introduction to Giorgio Armani

Britney Spears: a year's subscription to Lucky Magazine

Posted by: Kate | December 8, 2006 1:32 PM | Report abuse

a couple of men for Bethesda...

Bill O'Reilly - a copy of Clarence Thomas' dissenting opinion in Hudson v. McMillian, a DVD collection of Season 2 of Space 1999, and the key to Jose Padilla's cell.

Kevin Costner - a retirement villa... in the badlands, on his own lake, with a wolf den and some indian neighbors - but most important of all no film equipment.

Posted by: Quintilius Varus | December 8, 2006 1:46 PM | Report abuse

Mel G: A ticket to the Holocaust Museum

Mel G: A ticket to "Pluto Nash"

Britney: 10 copies of Hustler magazine commemorating her appearance in its "Beaver Hunt" feature

Tori Spelling: brown paper bag, with or without eye holes

Michael Richards: copy of Richard Pryor's 1974 album, "That [n-word]'s Crazy"

Donald Trump: an entry on the 2007 "Where are they now?" website

Posted by: byoolin | December 8, 2006 1:46 PM | Report abuse

Obviously, a ticket to "Pluto Nash" would serve its cautionary purpose better if it were given to Mel B, not Mel G.

Posted by: byoolin | December 8, 2006 1:49 PM | Report abuse

Jeffrey Lieber, J. J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof (Creators of "Lost"): A way to end the show that explains everything.

Posted by: Buck Dharma | December 8, 2006 1:55 PM | Report abuse

Oh my god, love the Britney in-the-car panty dispenser! Maybe KFED-Ex can get a condom dispenser in his car. ("What's a condom?")
Tom Cruise needs a new turkey baster to impregnate his next victim.
Katie needs an open-ended Greyhound ticket so she can escape to Vegas as soon as she slips a mickey into Tom's that runaway bride from Utah.
Jen Aniston: how bout a really short, butch, razor hair cut? Got to get away from that hair! Maybe it'll change your luck (or maybe she should have also tried the turkey baster)

Posted by: Barb | December 8, 2006 2:17 PM | Report abuse

Taco Bell patrons: a barf bag and a roll (or two) of toilet paper.

Posted by: Vanna | December 8, 2006 2:36 PM | Report abuse

oprah: an tomkat invitation with a nice handwritten USPS note apologising for losing it in the mail

Posted by: oprah | December 8, 2006 2:50 PM | Report abuse

oprah: an invitation to anything tomkat related (so the media stops comaplaining about the dearth)

Posted by: oprah | December 8, 2006 2:51 PM | Report abuse

How about a group gift for Paris, Britney, K-fed, Eddie Murphy, and the like:

A very special visit from Baltimore's Neuter Scooter

Posted by: Cubeland, MD | December 8, 2006 3:08 PM | Report abuse

President Bush: (1) a viable Iraq exit strategy; and (2) a Republican-led Congress (it's a wish list, right?)

Posted by: Tattoo | December 8, 2006 3:32 PM | Report abuse

Lindsay Lohan: Panties and lifelong therapy.
Paris Hilton: Therapy and birth-control pills (can I think of anyone LESS suited to be a parent? Nope.) Oh, and panties.
Britney Spears: Therapy (hmmm, I'm sensing a theme here). Apparently she's gotten some panties, thank goodness.
Angelina Jolie: lifelong therapy.
Victoria Beckham: A facial expression. Real breasts. And please god, copious amounts of food on a regular basis.*
* The above wish list applies to any number of skeletal anorexics in denial, and J. Lo's husband.
Katie Holmes: A backbone and a life -- far, far away from scary misogynist brainwasher Tom Cruise.
Jennifer Aniston: A man who is equal to her in sweetness, class, and overall fabulousness. She deserves the best, and boy do her man-choosing skills stink.
Nicole Kidman: same as above, a return to her beautiful curly red hair, and hey, a good meal wouldn't hurt.
Brooke Shields: the finger to Tom Cruise.

Posted by: Catherine | December 8, 2006 3:37 PM | Report abuse

OK, guys, some one has to come up with something for the Bush twins.

Posted by: Barb | December 8, 2006 3:54 PM | Report abuse

The entire Bush gene pool needs some chlorine!

Posted by: Anna | December 8, 2006 3:59 PM | Report abuse

Wesley Snipes: get out of jail free card and a copy hundred ... sorry million to pay the IRS. Hopefully the next movie isn't Blade 4! otherwise he's screwed.

The Bush twins, hmmm... an at home keg. This way they don't need to go far after a bender.

Posted by: petal | December 8, 2006 4:17 PM | Report abuse

Just because there maybe some up an comers foolish enough to go there. An immediate intervention for any starlet who may find Kfed mildly interesting.

Posted by: caroldc | December 8, 2006 4:27 PM | Report abuse

I'll bet money that Shar Jackson will take him back.

Posted by: winter | December 8, 2006 4:38 PM | Report abuse

George Clooney: A new pet that will last as long as the others did

Posted by: BB | December 8, 2006 4:51 PM | Report abuse

George W.: Some much-needed ritalin. Yeah, I know, barn door, horses, blah blah blah.

Posted by: b | December 8, 2006 5:31 PM | Report abuse

Lindsay Lohan: a publicist
Britney Spears: a stylist
Tom Cruise: a psychiatrist

Posted by: mee | December 8, 2006 6:07 PM | Report abuse

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