Friday List: A Star-Studded Wish List

Scary Spice - A paternity test

Lindsey needs a basic literacy class, I think--or, better still, how about a full-on high school education? She seems pretty ignorant of her place in the world, honestly believing that it's appropriate to suggest that Bill Clinton tutor her.

Uh...

Clay Aiken - Purell hand sanitizer

Why do you seem to dislike Jennifer Anniston so much?

Kate Bosworth--a sandwich

KFed - really tight tighty-whiteys.

They're supposed to decrease fertility, right?

Paris Hilton - tubal ligation

Everybody gets a self-help book (actual titles):

Lindsay: "Stay Sober and Straight : How to Prevent Addiction Relapse with the Rational Self-Help Treatment Method"

K-Fed: "Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back"

Britney: "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior"

Madonna: "Positive Magic: Occult Self-Help"

Mel, Michael, Damon, Andy: "The Gift of Guilt; 10 Steps To Freedom From Guilt, Forever"

Katie Cruise (she'll need it eventually): "Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress"

Kirstie Alley (145 pounds, my ***): "Slim Forever - For Women: Subliminal Self Help"

Jennifer Aniston: Needs to write a book titled "how to not let a ho steal your man."

She needs that way more than a new personality.

Britney Spears: gift certificate to Victoria's Secret

Naomi Campbell: lifetime supply of cellphones (doesn't she keep hitting people with them?)

Katie Holmes: divorce attorney

K-Fed: vasectomy

"Katie Holmes: divorce attorney"

And

Katie Holmes: Cult intervention

Did Lindsay and/or Britney graduate from high school?

Britney Spears' Children: Adoptive family

Victoria Beckham: Sammich.

Jessica Simpson: "Memory" by Milton Bradley

Oprah: New couch & new 'best' friend.

Britney: easy breezy panty dispenser with front door and car attachment

Katie Holmes-Cruise: a foolproof escape route and multiple disguises

Victoria Beckham: a new stylist and free meals for a year

Pam Anderson: unlimited double sided tape in flesh tone

Kate Moss - a razorblade, a mirror, and the phone number of another pathetic musician

Jennifer Anniston - the Brangelina Sonogram that goldenpalace.com owns

Lorne Michaels - the phone number for Brother Theodore, because the least funny show on television about live saturday night comedy should have a single writer that elicits a laugh once in a decade.

They ALL need parents that would actually bother to parent them.

Tori Spelling-A good ghostwriter and an inexpensive nanny

Taylor Hicks - Gift Certificate to Arthur Murray

Taylor Hicks - Gift Certificate to Arthur Murray

Joey Lawrence - Gift Certificate to Arthur Murray... WHOA!

Tom Cruise: high heel man shoes

Ashlee Simpson: singing lessons

Beyonce: better fake birth certificate

Wesley Snipes: a good accountant

Tom Cruise: a therapist and some ritalin

Suri Cruise-- A paternity Test.

Do you realize that nearly all the people on this list are women? And yet, that the worst offenders on it (Richards and Gibson) are men? If you're going to put celebrities under a microscope, please don't let the guys off with 'boys will be boys.'

Lindsay Lohan: a DVD of the PBS biography "Judy Garland: By Myself"

Kevin Federline: one of the dolls used in SexEd classes to teach teenagers about actually caring for a baby (in the hopes he might rethink his "sole custody" demand)

Lindsay Lohan- New Parents
Eddie Murphy- DNA test on the Murray Povich's Show
Victoria Beckham-Cheese burger deluxe with diet soda
Kevin Federline-A McDonald's Uniform
Britney Spears-Endorsement deal with Hanes (Look who we've got our Hanes on now)

George Clooney: a copy of Brad Pitt's high school yearbook

Mel Gibson: a first edition copy of "Night"

First Lady Laura Bush: an introduction to Giorgio Armani

Britney Spears: a year's subscription to Lucky Magazine

a couple of men for Bethesda...

Bill O'Reilly - a copy of Clarence Thomas' dissenting opinion in Hudson v. McMillian, a DVD collection of Season 2 of Space 1999, and the key to Jose Padilla's cell.

Kevin Costner - a retirement villa... in the badlands, on his own lake, with a wolf den and some indian neighbors - but most important of all no film equipment.

Mel G: A ticket to the Holocaust Museum

Mel G: A ticket to "Pluto Nash"

Britney: 10 copies of Hustler magazine commemorating her appearance in its "Beaver Hunt" feature

Tori Spelling: brown paper bag, with or without eye holes

Michael Richards: copy of Richard Pryor's 1974 album, "That [n-word]'s Crazy"

Donald Trump: an entry on the 2007 "Where are they now?" website

Obviously, a ticket to "Pluto Nash" would serve its cautionary purpose better if it were given to Mel B, not Mel G.

Jeffrey Lieber, J. J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof (Creators of "Lost"): A way to end the show that explains everything.

Oh my god, love the Britney in-the-car panty dispenser! Maybe KFED-Ex can get a condom dispenser in his car. ("What's a condom?")
Tom Cruise needs a new turkey baster to impregnate his next victim.
Katie needs an open-ended Greyhound ticket so she can escape to Vegas as soon as she slips a mickey into Tom's drink..like that runaway bride from Utah.
Jen Aniston: how bout a really short, butch, razor hair cut? Got to get away from that hair! Maybe it'll change your luck (or maybe she should have also tried the turkey baster)

Taco Bell patrons: a barf bag and a roll (or two) of toilet paper.

oprah: an tomkat invitation with a nice handwritten USPS note apologising for losing it in the mail

oprah: an invitation to anything tomkat related (so the media stops comaplaining about the dearth)

How about a group gift for Paris, Britney, K-fed, Eddie Murphy, and the like:

A very special visit from Baltimore's Neuter Scooter

President Bush: (1) a viable Iraq exit strategy; and (2) a Republican-led Congress (it's a wish list, right?)

Lindsay Lohan: Panties and lifelong therapy.
Paris Hilton: Therapy and birth-control pills (can I think of anyone LESS suited to be a parent? Nope.) Oh, and panties.
Britney Spears: Therapy (hmmm, I'm sensing a theme here). Apparently she's gotten some panties, thank goodness.
Angelina Jolie: lifelong therapy.
Victoria Beckham: A facial expression. Real breasts. And please god, copious amounts of food on a regular basis.*
* The above wish list applies to any number of skeletal anorexics in denial, and J. Lo's husband.
Katie Holmes: A backbone and a life -- far, far away from scary misogynist brainwasher Tom Cruise.
Jennifer Aniston: A man who is equal to her in sweetness, class, and overall fabulousness. She deserves the best, and boy do her man-choosing skills stink.
Nicole Kidman: same as above, a return to her beautiful curly red hair, and hey, a good meal wouldn't hurt.
Brooke Shields: the finger to Tom Cruise.

OK, guys, some one has to come up with something for the Bush twins.

The entire Bush gene pool needs some chlorine!

Wesley Snipes: get out of jail free card and a copy hundred ... sorry million to pay the IRS. Hopefully the next movie isn't Blade 4! otherwise he's screwed.

The Bush twins, hmmm... an at home keg. This way they don't need to go far after a bender.

Just because there maybe some up an comers foolish enough to go there. An immediate intervention for any starlet who may find Kfed mildly interesting.

I'll bet money that Shar Jackson will take him back.

George Clooney: A new pet that will last as long as the others did

George W.: Some much-needed ritalin. Yeah, I know, barn door, horses, blah blah blah.

Lindsay Lohan: a publicist
Britney Spears: a stylist
Tom Cruise: a psychiatrist