Network News

X My Profile
View More Activity
Posted at 10:45 AM ET, 12/ 1/2006

Celebritology Clip 'n' Save: A 12-Step Plan for Britney Spears

By Liz Kelly

Spears at last week's American Music Awards. (AP)

Since filing for divorce from Kevin Federline in early November, former pop princess Britney Spears has been making a very public metamorphosis. At first, all was good -- a svelte, glam Spears visited David Letterman, was spotted meeting with former publicist Leslie Sloane-Zelnick in New York, and reportedly worked on a new album (though it's rumored that partying took priority, leaving Pharrell Williams hanging in the studio).

But the week of Thanksgiving, something happened. Something named Paris Hilton. And Britney went from triumph to tabloid overnight.

All is not lost, though. Britney -- who celebrates her 25th birthday tomorrow -- can still turn this quarter-life crisis around and come back bigger than before. Here's how:

1. Step away from Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Harpies are not suitable playmates.

2. Relinquish all faith in your own judgment. Instead, rely on the decision-making aptitude of whoever it was that insisted on the pre-nup.

3. Wear suitable foundation garments. Or, frankly, any foundation garments at all. Please. If you're after more exposure, go for the positive, clothed variety -- a charity event, mayhaps?



Paris Hilton and Britney Spears over the Thanksgiving weekend. (Cliff Sobel/Splash News)

4. I know you're country and all, but these outfits are not okay. "Country" does not equal "skank."

5. Bring the sexy back, not the back fat. Whatever procedure diet you employed to lose your post-baby weight so quickly needs sit-ups, not Starbucks.

6. Declare Vegas off-limits to yourself unless you score a multi-year performance contract, a la Celine Dion.

7. You used to be known as one of the hardest-working young women in show biz. No one begrudges you taking a year or two off, but to put it in terms you might understand: Dance with the one whut brung ya. In other words, focus on the music. To have a sustained, meaningful career it's better to be known for your musical flair than for flashing.

8. Remember, more late-night clubbing and censored photos will only bolster Kev's side of the custody fight. You want to show you are a better parent, not a better partier.

9. If the above step fails, throw all energy into the next generation. You are just one kid away from the makings of the biggest boy band of 2022.

10. Maybe publishing your diaries isn't such a good idea. Especially if they in any way mirror your stream-of-consciousness Web ravings (oh, if only time travel were an option).

11. You're a mother of two, and a role model -- to two little boys, not legions of girls hoping to star in Joe Francis productions. Act like it.

12. See Step 1. Repeat. Over and over. While begging your former publicist to take you back.

P.S. If all else fails, move in with Rosie O'Donnell.

One in an occasional series of how-to articles written with armchair celebrity adviser Lisa Todorovich. We flatter ourselves to note that Lindsay Lohan has recently been spotted taking our advice.

By Liz Kelly  | December 1, 2006; 10:45 AM ET
Categories:  Britney Spears, Celebrities, Clip N' Saves  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Morning Mix: Britney's Ex Penning Book
Next: Morning Mix: Lindsay Lohan Attending AA Meetings

Comments

It reminds me of something that sprang to mind when I saw a little Brittany a few years ago:

You can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the girl.

Her subsequent career and life has not diminished my previous thoughts on this matter.

Posted by: Bunkley | December 1, 2006 11:04 AM | Report abuse

Che is now reduced to quoting Eminem lyrics. How sad. Che, please seek help. Your paranoid and delusional behavior is quite worrisome.

So please, take off the tinfoil hat and go see a shrink.

Posted by: BF | December 1, 2006 11:32 AM | Report abuse

Gosh, and I just got through my Che-withdrawal from the election. Now I'll never quit!

Posted by: kate | December 1, 2006 11:40 AM | Report abuse

Would you guys -- meaning everyone but Che -- rather I leave in his rants or take 'em out when I see them?

Posted by: Liz | December 1, 2006 11:48 AM | Report abuse

Liz: PLEASE take them out! They are quite distracting when we're trying to follow the discussion thread.

Regarding Britney: Thank you for addressing the risk she's running of losing custody if she keeps this up. Most media are focusing on the panties and missing the bigger irresponsibility picture.

Right now, I'm not convinced that either of them deserve custody... Maybe Rosie should just take the boys and let Brit & FedEx self destruct at a safe distance.

Posted by: cc | December 1, 2006 11:52 AM | Report abuse

Che is just upset because his newspaper hasn't been delivered to his home in NW Lexington in over three weeks and neither the delivery subcontractor nor the Post seems to care.

I'd say leave him in, if only because it seems like it would be more work for you to screen him than it would be for me to scroll past him. And who knows, he may one day weigh in with penetrating (ahem) insights into the whole Britney Spears deal.


Posted by: byoolin | December 1, 2006 11:56 AM | Report abuse

Please take them out, Liz! They're a total distraction and rarely (that is, never) on point.

Is it wrong that my favorite character in all this is Britney's prenup lawyer? Talk about a fun person to meet at a cocktail party ... not because she could disclose any details about her clients, but because she must be one tough broad to do the work she does for the people for whom she does it!

Posted by: Kate | December 1, 2006 11:56 AM | Report abuse

I vote to remove che's comments. makes for a too-long scroll, and the IT dept. will love you for freeing up a few bytes of server space.

Posted by: b | December 1, 2006 11:59 AM | Report abuse

brit also needs to stop swapping hose w/paris.... that's just bizarre.

Posted by: b | December 1, 2006 12:00 PM | Report abuse

Liz, please remove Che's rants. There nothing worst than an unoriginal conspiracy theorist.

For Britney: Move out of Hollywood and commute. Look at your friends (Paris and Lindsay), look at the men you dated (Kevin Federline). Now, ask yourself. Is these are the type of people you want your sons to be around? If you can't do yourself, do it for the kids.


Posted by: Lisa | December 1, 2006 12:07 PM | Report abuse

Call me crazy, but I sort of feel for Britney's ex, Jason Alexander.

Not only was he only married to Britney for 55 hrs and dumped really quick, he is the namesake of George Castanza.

The jokes at his expense must be something else.

Posted by: jlr | December 1, 2006 12:14 PM | Report abuse

jlr: maybe I'm wrong but I seriously doubt that Seinfield had a big following in Kentwood, Louisiana (population 2,205).

Posted by: Judge C. Crater | December 1, 2006 12:20 PM | Report abuse

Much to do about nothing much. Get a job or a hobby instead of writing this trash.

Posted by: Bob | December 1, 2006 12:23 PM | Report abuse

I think Che's comments should stay in on First Amendment grounds. And I think the real Che would back me up on this one.

Liz, you are so wise re Britney

Posted by: KG | December 1, 2006 12:39 PM | Report abuse

So Lindsay should go to college but Britney shouldn't? You're mean, Liz.

Posted by: Not Bob. Not at all. | December 1, 2006 12:42 PM | Report abuse

Bob do you some time post by the name of Don? Whether you do or you don't, this is a blog not a column, it's not written to win a Nobel prize (no offense Liz, I enjoy your blog) quite a few people enjoy reading these little tidbits about silly celebrities. It can provide a little bit of entertainment in what can be a rather dull day. Liz has a job, it's to write this blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. There is no reason to comment that this is trash or as this Don person commented that the people who read this and comment are stupid, dumb, morons, etc. We are not any of the above, and I'm pretty sure most of us have jobs. Please keep your negativity to yourself and let those of us who enjoy reading and commenting on the celebrities alone to enjoy this small part of space that takes up the Washingtonpost.com. Thank you.

Posted by: sickofkfed | December 1, 2006 12:47 PM | Report abuse

Re: Britney. She oughta' swallow that chewing gum for good, too.

Posted by: Ron | December 1, 2006 12:53 PM | Report abuse

Am I the only one who noticed that Paris is actually holding Brit's boob in that picture?

Posted by: Betty | December 1, 2006 12:57 PM | Report abuse

If Brit's lawyer was good enough to get the prenup, I really don't think she'll have a hard time getting Brit custody of the kids. Brit can always say that she took two years off from a lucrative career to have the kids. And K-Fed is just so not getting custody.

That said, what is Brit thinking? Its one thing for Paris and Lindsay to go out partying, but they didn't choose to have two kids within two years before they were 25.

Posted by: BB | December 1, 2006 12:58 PM | Report abuse

Santa's secret message has been de-coded!
'Ho Ho Ho' are not words of his jolliness mood, but rather a verbal reaction to an aerial glimpse of the Valley Girl, Trailer Trash Girl and Poor Little Rich Girl going to a party.

Let's be fair, where are the 12 steps for the other two? They share everything, y'know.

Posted by: AnotherLiz | December 1, 2006 1:09 PM | Report abuse

Santa's secret message has been de-coded!
'Ho Ho Ho' are no longer words expressing his jolly mood, but rather a verbal reaction to an aerial glimpse of the Valley Girl, Trailer Trash Girl and Poor Little Rich Girl going to a party.

Let's be fair, where are the 12 steps for the other two? They share everything, y'know.

Posted by: AnotherLiz | December 1, 2006 1:11 PM | Report abuse

I thought for sure che would have gone to rehab with all of the conspiracy in his veins from the election. I actually enjoy his posts. The regulars often come up with some funny responses to them(see byoolin).

By posting as much as he does he has become what he'd trying to fight. Sweet!

To sickokfed,
here here, well put!

Posted by: Anonymous | December 1, 2006 1:13 PM | Report abuse

Please, let's not paddle the river of denial.

Britney's on drugs. Paris has learned to keep her legs closed when she's zonked. So Paris is "helping" B learn the ropes. Which is why Paris looks so smug.

You know the alcoholic families that never say anything about the parent's drinking? That's what the celebrity media is doing (you too, Miss Liz) by pretending that this is normally abnormal behavior.

It's not. It's drugs.

Posted by: SJK222 | December 1, 2006 1:42 PM | Report abuse

I DEFINATELY agree about paddling el rio denial. Let's fess up here. A bit of honesty. Apart from Liz (who, after all, is probably paid to do this blog) we ARE morons, we are twits, superficial catty whatevers...

However, unlike Bob or Che or whomever it is we're talking about, I don't see that as a bad thing. And - uh, just a small question here - why are you even reading this blog if it so offends?

It's a free world, Bobby-boy. Get on the elitist bandwagon and realize that. Those of us with time and inclination to not only read but also comment are probably working pretty decent jobs and so have enough freedom (and time) to abuse our computers. And employers. And our minds.

We don't need you to do it for us.

Posted by: Pablo Picasso | December 1, 2006 1:59 PM | Report abuse

Brittney made need a lot of advice, but "stay away from Starbucks" for someone who just lost a scary amount of weight in a scary amount of time, is not one of them. I just hope she doesn't join the eating-disordered ranks of her new best pals... That'd be just what the girls of America need to see.

Posted by: Sigh | December 1, 2006 2:29 PM | Report abuse

Do panties qualify as a "foundation garment?"

Posted by: Restadastory | December 1, 2006 2:50 PM | Report abuse

Liz,

My vote would be to delete the portions of Che's posts that are written by someone else. I'd be curious to see whether Che has any independent ideas. Otherwise, delete please.

Posted by: a fan | December 1, 2006 3:26 PM | Report abuse

-----
Call me crazy, but I sort of feel for Britney's ex, Jason Alexander.

Not only was he only married to Britney for 55 hrs and dumped really quick, he is the namesake of George Castanza.

The jokes at his expense must be something else.
----------

Could be worse. He could've had the name Michael Richards.

Posted by: BF | December 1, 2006 3:28 PM | Report abuse

I say panties are not foundation garments, but essential garments for mothers with 2 kids.
And I agree with the whole She's On Drugs thing. They're all on drugs, it's pretty obvs.
Re: Che -- I turned in late, the post is gone! I usually do read the conspiracy theory, because don't they always contain a little grain of truth? I want to be able to say, "hey, i totally read something weird about that in a comment about britney's cooter" and have my friends think that (a) I'm cool and (b) Britney's cooter has political relevance. It's a win-win.

Posted by: miss belle | December 1, 2006 3:30 PM | Report abuse

In the photo, Britney looks like that hated character from Star Wars (Episode I?) Was ir Jar-Binks?

Posted by: Jercki | December 1, 2006 3:47 PM | Report abuse

Yes! With those hair extensions she does look like a digitally-enhanced creature.
Maybe another piece of advice: if you get a cute bob, live with it and lose the fake hair.
Liz, I love your blog..it always makes my day. You are insightful about what's going on without being mean, and it is appreciated.
I think Che or whoever is entitled to their opinions. Even the guy who held up the "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" sign.
The study of popular culture has great value...it's a proven fact!

Posted by: Barb | December 1, 2006 4:12 PM | Report abuse

miss belle -

Why not cut out the middle man and attribute all political knowledge to Britney's cooter? That's just science.

Posted by: KG | December 1, 2006 4:58 PM | Report abuse

Let us not forget, get a singing voice! [Christina Ag blows her away.] if all else fails get the body back in tip-top shape babe! I actually don't care about the music. I am waiting for the body to be tight again. If that fails, you have the Paris video market as a last ditch effort. Simple minds would ditch richie for you in a second.

Posted by: Kentwood Rob | December 1, 2006 5:17 PM | Report abuse

Everyone needs to back off. I've always felt that Britney, Paris and Lindsay are just misunderstood -- in need of some TLC. They could all use a time out -- away from the klieg lights and paparazzi. With that in mind, I'm opening a facility for Hollywood's misspent youth -- staffed entirely with recently defrocked priests from Los Angeles. The door is always open.

Posted by: Impure Thoughts | December 1, 2006 7:04 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
RSS Feed
Subscribe to The Post

© 2011 The Washington Post Company