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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 01/10/2007

Wanted: A Little Reality for Britney

By Liz Kelly

Help me help her. (AP)

Oh my god, y'all: As mentioned briefly in yesterday's morning mix, a Miami production company may be hiring supporting cast for a new Britney Spears reality show. This want ad (scroll down) was purportedly posted to Miami's Craigslist sometime on Sunday, though I can't seem to find it online now. Still, Britney Spears doing another reality show (the first was "Chaotic") falls into the realm of the believable, almost more believable than any chance of a 2007 musical comeback for the self-destructing singer.

The show concept apparently places a succession of average fans as Spears's personal assistant -- 24 hours a day for five straight days:

Your job will be to give her guidance, perception and help her with comeback. For this 16 week audition/interview, we are looking for 8 males and 8 females to compete for a position on Britney's new team.

The ad asks for hopefuls to send "a brief summary as to how you can help improve Britney's image and why you are the right candidate."

How can I not enter? Thing is, I'm having a hard time deciding what tone to strike -- do I come off as a supportive rebuilder of unhinged pop princesses or let producers know I'm in on the joke and that the less help Britney gets, the better the ratings?

I figure a few hundred thousand heads are better than one, so help me write a winning pitch letter. Share your suggestions in the comments section -- from sample paragraphs to bullet points -- all tips are welcome.

Once I have your suggestions, I'll craft the letter and post it here.

By Liz Kelly  | January 10, 2007; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Britney Spears, Celebrities  
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Next: Morning Mix: Is Lindsay's Liver OK?

Comments

Liz,

I'd play it as straight as possible and give her sound advice. She's such a train wreck that she'll ignore 3/4 of whatever you say, and that's what will make it "good TV."

As for that sound advice... I'd start with what all of our grandmothers told us about wearing good panties whenever we leave the house.

Posted by: renselaas | January 10, 2007 10:58 AM | Report abuse

offer to read lots of Jeff Foxworthy to her.... "You might be a redneck if..."

Posted by: b | January 10, 2007 11:19 AM | Report abuse

Liz, Play it straight this poor girl needs some help. Some issues to be raised in you audition letter:

-Accept that fact that your life has changed: You're not 21 yr. old single pop star with lots of money and time, but 26 yr. pop star, single mom with two kids to support. California and Louisiana do have Child Protection Laws which they are very happy to enforce.

-The career life of pop star is limited: Your fans do grow up and move on, and a new generation of teenagers doesn't want anything to do with you (i.e. Janet Jackson).

-Do you really want to end up like Anna Nicole Smith?

Posted by: Lisa | January 10, 2007 11:21 AM | Report abuse

This sounds like the perfect job for Gene Weingarten. Look how much he helped the Great Zucchini get his life together! I think she needs a (grand)father figure who can teach her the importance of VPL's (and the underlying requirement to wear panties in the first place).

Posted by: Washington, DC | January 10, 2007 11:34 AM | Report abuse

Why should we help the competition Liz? I mean really - how could you compete with my entry - to enter her in cosplay events at Warhammer 40k competitions and get her a photo op with the MIT physics dept where she can discuss her theories of timetravel.

i'm soooo gonna win...

Posted by: Quintilius Varus | January 10, 2007 11:36 AM | Report abuse

Suggestion number 1:

Wear underwear.

Posted by: Victoria's Not So Secret Anymore | January 10, 2007 11:39 AM | Report abuse

1. Go back to Louisiana and grow up. When that's done, call me.

Posted by: cody mccall | January 10, 2007 11:41 AM | Report abuse

Become fully familiar with the advice given at http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-get-out-of-a-car-without-showing-your-knickers and impart this advice to your new employer.

Posted by: Egregious | January 10, 2007 11:42 AM | Report abuse

Become fully familiar with the advice given at http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-get-out-of-a-car-without-showing-your-knickers and impart this advice to your new employer.

Posted by: Egregious | January 10, 2007 11:43 AM | Report abuse

Become fully familiar with the advice given at http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-get-out-of-a-car-without-showing-your-knickers and impart this advice to your new employer.

Posted by: Egregious | January 10, 2007 11:44 AM | Report abuse

Are you sure that Craigslist posting wasn't a joke?

Posted by: Pompous Magnus | January 10, 2007 11:48 AM | Report abuse

WOW. This is awsome. Are you really applying?! Whoa. This is better than Date Lab.

Be snarky. You're on your game when the claws come out.

Posted by: not bluto | January 10, 2007 11:53 AM | Report abuse

Sell her on the George Costanza route. Every idea she has or decision she makes would be excellent if she did the exact opposite.


Posted by: petal | January 10, 2007 11:57 AM | Report abuse

Pompous -- ya, it could be, though it really does play it straight for a joke. So, we shall see...

Posted by: Liz | January 10, 2007 12:12 PM | Report abuse

Isn't it obvious?

Bring back K-Fed.

Posted by: byoolin | January 10, 2007 12:18 PM | Report abuse

While it would be hilarious if this was actually a real posting/competition, I'm pretty much convinced that it's a hoax: the reply-to email is a Yahoo account; my eighth-grade English teacher could tear the grammar apart; and -hello!- 16 weeks? Seems like an awfully long time to basically put her life on hold as she smiles for the camera that could ostensibly ruin her career.

Posted by: amy | January 10, 2007 12:34 PM | Report abuse

this is an exercize in futility. the only fan base she will ever have is the one that likes her the way she is now. she can only milk it for as long as possible and hope her millions last..

Posted by: jan | January 10, 2007 12:45 PM | Report abuse

Do the standard route for such fallen stars. A Playboy shoot. But then Playboy might be too high class, so how about Juggs?

Posted by: L vez | January 10, 2007 12:54 PM | Report abuse

1. Get a new stylist - cover up more and change your basic look to something chic yet more conservative (think Angelina Jolie post-wild-phase)
2. Stop going to bars and spend time with your kids. Be sure to be photographed with them while doing fun family stuff
3. Get press by doing one big charity thing - take the focus off of yourself by getting involved with one big charity cause and make sure you do a presser. And hire a pro to write your press comments for you.
4. Ultimately, stop the focus on you and make everyone else around you the story (family, charity, etc.)

Posted by: JT | January 10, 2007 1:06 PM | Report abuse

1. Get a new stylist - cover up more and change your basic look to something chic yet more conservative (think Angelina Jolie post-wild-phase)
2. Stop going to bars and spend time with your kids. Be sure to be photographed with them while doing fun family stuff
3. Get press by doing one big charity thing - take the focus off of yourself by getting involved with one big charity cause and make sure you do a presser. And hire a pro to write your press comments for you.
4. Ultimately, stop the focus on you and make everyone else around you the story (family, charity, etc.)

Posted by: JT | January 10, 2007 1:11 PM | Report abuse

Become a down to earth pop-star mom. Become an involved parent. Work with me on writing your own heartfelt lyrics and music and for reality appeal make a public songwriting contest and sing/ record a couple of the songs average people write for you- that would definitely get attention and gain fans! Imagine writing a song for a star to perform!
Try to be seen as becoming a real person and stop living a party.

Posted by: Chris | January 10, 2007 1:33 PM | Report abuse

The best way for Britney to improve her image probably has something to do with not agreeing to do a reality show where 16 strangers get a shot at helping her improve her image. Oh wait...

Posted by: Emmie | January 10, 2007 1:45 PM | Report abuse

That she needs to tone down the "i'm country y'all" attitude and stop living in the past (aka re-pierced belly button). It's like she put things on pause when she got married and is now trying to do the same stuff again. Doesn't quite work now with 2 kids.

Posted by: Charlotte | January 10, 2007 2:05 PM | Report abuse

two letters: AA

Posted by: Mary V. | January 10, 2007 2:34 PM | Report abuse

for some reason, that mis-use of "aka" bugs me.

Posted by: not bluto | January 10, 2007 2:36 PM | Report abuse

"I figure a few hundred thousand heads are better than one, so help me write a winning pitch letter. Share your suggestions in the comments section -- from sample paragraphs to bullet points -- all tips are welcome."

But come on, Liz - do you REALLY think you have "hundreds of thousands" of readers? And do you *REALLY* think we all have minds??

Oh wait - you said "heads", not minds.

Posted by: Bogota | January 10, 2007 2:56 PM | Report abuse

No, don't do it. Better to sit on the sidelines and report on the train-wrecks as you see them coming/happening/going. This way you can trash not only her, but her entourage as well.

Posted by: Ollabelle | January 10, 2007 3:42 PM | Report abuse

You want some reality? Go entertain our troops in Iraq, and grow up. You are a mother for crying out loud!

Posted by: Frozen1 | January 10, 2007 4:00 PM | Report abuse

Hit her baby...one more time.

Posted by: J | January 10, 2007 4:37 PM | Report abuse

Think dominatrix (sp?), Liz. You are the mean Mommy and you need to slap some sense into that gal. You take all of her money and give her an allowance. You schedule every minute of her life, and cut the Nanny's hours in half. Make Brit bathe her babies at night and put them to bed.
She has to shop at the store for their food, and take a parenting class so she stops this redneck "I'm country" baby-on- lap-with-drink-in-hand-driving behavior.
Make her go to college!! She has to abandon all tattoos, piercings, cosmetic surgery, and hair extensions for one year. Jesus, even if she took a class at the junior college in car engine repair it would be better than where she is now (and she would automatically be smarter than Fed-Ex.)

Posted by: Barb | January 10, 2007 5:19 PM | Report abuse

Twelve step Program
1. Lose the flesh colored panties. Giving folks mistaken impression.
2. Learn how to operate seat belts and child car seats.
3. Have someone direct you to you own home (where the babies are). Some of those friendly photographers can probably direct you.
4. Couple of styling rules: boots with jeans, beach cover ups, bathing suits only at beach. If it does not cover your crotch, it's a shirt, not a dress.
5. Take two nights a week off from partying. You'll enjoy it more when you do. Maybe you can stay awake past midnight.
6. Try one date with a guy who is not visibly tattoed.
7. Have staff take you and the kids to a playground. Be sure outing is leaked to photographers.
8. Those Starbucks drinks are going right to your thighs. Get Lilo to show you where to buy bottled water.
9. Call the folks at the record company. They're looking for you.
10. Have "send" botton on computer you use disabled.
11. Have someone write your autobiography with lots of detail about how you have been used, abused and put down because you are country, but you don't whine about it, 'cause you are Ms. Pluck.
12. Call Oprah.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 10, 2007 5:39 PM | Report abuse

have the surgery to fix the botched breast enhancement - now, you really meant to just look naturally big didn't you?

Posted by: one more thing | January 10, 2007 5:55 PM | Report abuse

I'm a closet spears fan. And like most closet spears fans, all I've got to say is Britney find a good man. Get yourself a bono or borgen type. They make bad boys these days that aren't dead beat dads.

Posted by: taraluvstommy | January 10, 2007 6:08 PM | Report abuse

Mister Methane - LOVE the idea of Britney FINALLY doing something good for the country. If she could only get the idiot out of office, she'd have the world cheering!

Posted by: SLS | January 10, 2007 8:54 PM | Report abuse

Thunk yoo.

Thunk you vurrry much.

Posted by: Mister Methane doing his best Elvis | January 10, 2007 11:39 PM | Report abuse

Here's the letter I'm shooting down to the production company:

To Whom It May Concern:

Britney Spears is a big hot pile of mess. As show producers, you need to decide where you want her to end up. Is she Danny Bonaduce or

Let's think outside the box -- and, no, I'm not making some oblique Justin Timberlake reference. Britney Spears is a big hot pile of mess and getting more press now than when she liplocked Madonna back in 200XXX. To transcend the oft-done slo-mo celeb-trainwreck show (see "Breaking Bonaduce," "Being Bobby Brown," "Chaotic") you need to exploit this woman's penchant for making wrong decisions while ultimately helping her to a better place by the close of the series.

Not an easy task, but I think given a strong enough taser and free reign to hypnotize Ms. Spears, an amazing transformation can be worked in the span of 16 weeks. Imagine a cross between "What Not to Wear's" Stacy London, "30 Days'" Morgan Spurlock, "My Fair Lady's" Henry Higgins and Dog Whisperer Cesar Milan and you'll get some idea of how I plan to change this woman's life. In four short months, Britney will go from sloppy fading star to a trendier Gwen Stefani, a better-spoken Madonna, a more compassionate Angelina Jolie and a more obedient Lassie.

Or, if all that fails, there's always Britney, a video cam and fate.

Posted by: Liz | January 11, 2007 9:11 AM | Report abuse

You go girl!!! you are right on track!!

Posted by: John Greene | January 16, 2007 2:35 PM | Report abuse

A mess, only looking for free publicity. She better watch out for her party ways, it may back fire on her. If K-fedup (As were fed up with him) tries and takes the kid's and fails, hopefully the courts will. She is not mother, wife, nor mature material. She realizes she is making a mistake, let's hope she corrects it before some real damage is done. Drop Paris, there is one for the "not the correct role model" award.

Posted by: Dan | January 18, 2007 9:39 AM | Report abuse

sex dvd

Posted by: sex dvd | February 3, 2007 8:22 PM | Report abuse

xxx dvds

Posted by: xxx dvds | February 3, 2007 8:23 PM | Report abuse

Although this was meant to be funny...the fact of the matter is if she wasn't so pathetic it actually MIGHT be. I'd be glad to do the show because quite frankly, she does need someone in her life that isn't afraid or intimidated to tell her what it is. She's a hot, funky mess and that's straight up. Someone needs to make her understand that she LOOKS HORRIBLE. And in defense of the paparazzi (I can't believe I'm saying this) but the first couple of times she showed in public--both they and the fans were rooting for her because they were under the WRONG IMPRESSION by thinking that it was K-FED who made her a trashy mess. WRONG. Britney has ALWAYS been trashy but its just so long you can hide THAT. Say what you want about K-FED--at least he ain't running around making himself look like a COMPLETE TRAIN-WRECK. And why are people telling her to ditch Paris?? Uh, Paris is younger than Britney, and last time I checked is not a brand new DIVORCEE WITH TWO, EXTREMELY YOUNG CHILDREN. It's not the people in Spears life that is making her act this way--she's a grown woman and she's clearly making ALL of her decisions. Stop blaming other people for this broad. GRIEF. Trust me, if they hired me--I'd be in there to help sista girl--because its obvious no one else is. Obviously, as long as Brit is providing the cash and the "good time" the people in her life are gonna continue keeping their mouths SHUT.

Posted by: Dee | February 4, 2007 4:02 PM | Report abuse

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