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Posted at 11:17 AM ET, 04/ 3/2007

Celebritology Clip n' Save: The 411 for Jeremy Piven's 911

By Liz Kelly

Oh, and lose the hat. (AP)

Jeremy Piven has a lot of hugging it out (bitch) to do.

The one-time buddy, collaborator, and dream road trip go-to guy (seriously, who hasn't wanted to hit Vegas with the Piv at least once?) seems to have evaporated. In recent months, he's done little to engender good will from fans, old friends or random restaurant employees. He's a one-man walking tutorial in boorishness and this behavior must be curtailed, I tell you, before his personal gaffes eclipse his masterful portrayal of agent Ari Gold on HBO's "Entourage."

We used to love the Piv. And we want him back.

To that end, sometime Celebritology contributor Lisa Todorovich and I have compiled a list of suggestions to help Piven get back on track:

1. Here's a tip: An "Entourage" DVD is not one. According to this handy guide, "a 15 to 20-percent tip is the going rate for meals, and the tip should be on the pre-tax total."

2. Perspective, dude. Yes, you have an Emmy, and "Entourage" is incredibly popular in L.A. But it still only has one-fifth the viewers of "Two and a Half Men."

3. Speaking of perspective, what happened to the "spiritual enlightenment" you supposedly gained doing that "Journeys of a Lifetime" show on the Travel Channel? Granted, Swami Ji doesn't have much opportunity to hang out with the runner-up from the last "America's Next Top Model," but we don't think he'd bust out with a "Don't you know who I am?" rant either.

4. John Cusack is your friend. And ("Must Love Dogs" notwithstanding) you are not now and will never be Lloyd Dobler, Roy Dillon or Martin Q. Blank.

5. Ad-libbing cuss words in front of kids is, like, not cool.

6. It's great that you're 40 and all, and sure, you've avoided commitment and are a cat-about-town -- yay you! But throwing yourself a Joe Francis-style birthday party doesn't make you the next Hef.

7. Do we really need to explain why this is just... skeevy? While we're sure she's fun to take to premieres and awards shows, don't listen to your mother.

8. Rugs are so Trump. Bald is beautiful. Follow Britney Spears's lead and lose the fake hair.

9. Hey stupid Cupid, don't ever take a photo like this again.

10. Describing yourself as "the pretty girl" is somehow icky. Stop it.

11. Learning to recognize your own car and paying the valet are generally considered good driving practices. ("You must chill! You must chill! I have hidden your keys!")

12. If all else fails, there's always the paid-to-party circuit.

One in an occasional series of how-to articles written with armchair celebrity adviser Lisa Todorovich.

By Liz Kelly  | April 3, 2007; 11:17 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Clip N' Saves  
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Melrose? That's lame. I was really hoping you were talking about Jade. Now THAT would be a power couple.

Posted by: h3 | April 3, 2007 11:22 AM | Report abuse

that was brilliant! let's hope one of his posse shows it to him.

Posted by: miss jaunty | April 3, 2007 11:37 AM | Report abuse

Show it to him? I hope he FOLLOWS it, at least better than Britney did with her list.

Posted by: ep | April 3, 2007 11:38 AM | Report abuse


You couldn't be more right about Jeremy Piven. I used to have a huge crush on him, but well, now he gives me the creeps.

Posted by: MW | April 3, 2007 11:44 AM | Report abuse

Second on the former-crush, now creeps me out vibe.

He was always one of those guys I hoped would make it big. Now that he has (relatively), he's not as likeable.

It's not that his fame made him less likeable, it's his attitude (kind of like Gwyneth, but in the opposite direction...)

Posted by: Chasmosaur | April 3, 2007 11:50 AM | Report abuse

Liz, I usually really like your work, but could you have been a little more respectful when talking about the swami in Rishikesh? I agree with you about Jeremy Piven, but Rishikesh is a very sacred place to millions of people and you could at least show a little respect.

Posted by: Anonymous | April 3, 2007 11:56 AM | Report abuse

PCU is still one of my favorite movies.

Posted by: 23112 | April 3, 2007 12:00 PM | Report abuse

I love and hate this man at same time. The old Jeremy is someone I would date; the new one is someone I would bury in my backyard so I would like to add:

-New friends: A grown man does not have posse unless he works for a rodeo.

-Cut down the club hopping: There is no need to live at Hyde, Pure, or Parc.
At 40, you should be securing your future beyond "Entourage". Not chasing wannabe models who don't know what HBO stands for.

-One girlfriend (I mean only ONE, Jeremy): Single woman with her own career
in her thirties to forties who is a college grad, and is not an actress or former model. A nice lawyer that way if you should try to f@#% her over; she will hang you out to dry.

Posted by: Lisa1 | April 3, 2007 12:11 PM | Report abuse

i cannot believe that jeremy stiffed that valet. i've been in situations where, by the end of the night, my cash was gone--you go find an atm, you get $ off your date, you give the guy your watch...but you do NOT stiff the parking guy. that's just so wrong.
what a big-headed boor.

Posted by: methinks | April 3, 2007 12:16 PM | Report abuse

I agree with the others. I always thought he was the boy-next-door / nice-guy-finishing-last, and rooted for him. now? now, he's just ... yuck.

as for his tiff with John Cusack - struck me that what probably happened was that Piv got a big head/attitude and his personality went down the tubes, and blamed JC for the friendship fall out.

Posted by: you're right | April 3, 2007 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Well we know there's something askew in the world when Potsie garners less money for a personal appearance than William Hung.

At least Anson Williams can sing!!

I'm saving my moolah to have Bon Jovi play @ my birthday party. At the rate I'm going I should have that $500,000 to have the money for the gig by my....75th birthday!! Maybe by then they'll be doing the nostalgia circuit & they'll be a bargain!

Posted by: Bored @ work | April 3, 2007 12:51 PM | Report abuse

I LOL'd so hard at the "You must CHILL" line that salad came out my nose.

Piven = jumped the shark. Know how you can tell?

He has a drunky party pic with Lohan.

Posted by: Mrs. L. Dobbler | April 3, 2007 1:29 PM | Report abuse

Clearly the only way for Piven to make amends is by starring in PCU2: The 40-Year Old Senior

Posted by: gmm | April 3, 2007 2:43 PM | Report abuse

Notice how even in that pic with Lindsay Lohan he looks vaguely surprised to be posing with her? As if to say,"Wow, am I really taking a picture with this person?"

Posted by: Minneapolis | April 3, 2007 2:59 PM | Report abuse

excellent additions to the list and funny too.

what are the chances of getting this list in the hands of his manager, agent, PR person or even in the next script for Entourage (who knew two and a half men had that many viewers and no offense but why?) He needs a wake up call, although having someone chuck your dvd at you should be an alert that it's all in your head, still.

Posted by: petal | April 3, 2007 3:14 PM | Report abuse

I miss PCU Piven. And Entourage Piven is simply brilliant. But PCU Piven, Favareau's Gutter -- it needs to be brought back. For the reader with the suggestion for PCU2 -- I'm so with you.

Posted by: Genna | April 3, 2007 3:24 PM | Report abuse

Liz, you should host a Celebrity Intervention! show or something.

Posted by: Bat | April 3, 2007 3:50 PM | Report abuse

Did anyone else notice this disgusting comment:

"(A romance with Lohan) would be fantastic. She's the ultimate shiksa goddess, and she's underage. But I prefer a curvier, more zaftig woman." -- Piven

He didn't say "BUT she's underage." He said, "AND she's underage." What a skeevy a-hole.

Posted by: scout | April 3, 2007 4:20 PM | Report abuse

I don't see many people rushing out to buy DVD copies of "Two And A Half Men." Oh yeah, that's right it's on that lousy network CBS. "Entourage" rules, so does HBO. 'Nuff said....

Posted by: Sofa King | April 3, 2007 7:08 PM | Report abuse

For some reason the story about the DVD just strikes me as not true. Maybe it's the source.

Posted by: Bongo | April 3, 2007 7:09 PM | Report abuse

So SAD! Wasn't he just the smart, cute, nerdly guy we all loved? And now he's a jackass. So sad. What a waste!

Posted by: 4/3/2007 | April 3, 2007 7:34 PM | Report abuse

this is pretty darn funny

Posted by: jim A. | April 3, 2007 11:33 PM | Report abuse

I loved him in Cupid. Too bad he's so up his own @ss now.

Posted by: alliecat | April 4, 2007 6:38 AM | Report abuse

still like him. He's my shmoopie little boor with quixotic, smarmy charm X factor.

Posted by: em | April 4, 2007 1:08 PM | Report abuse

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