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Posted at 11:23 AM ET, 04/10/2007

Report Card: TomKat Gets Schooled

By Liz Kelly

Matchy-Matchy-ness: Towering six inches over one's spouse? Grade: D. (Getty Images)

How are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes faring as they approach their five-month anniversary? Celebritology attempts to make sense of Hollywood's most inscrutable relationship by applying the one-size-fits-all high school report card approach. Don't worry TomKat, no pesky standardized testing here, but as my high school guidance counselor would say, perhaps you'd better apply to more than one safety school.

Romance
Gone are the days of Tom devouring Katie on international red carpets. Body language says it all, kids, and pix like this speak volumes. Rumors of Tom's micromanagement of Katie's career and her hours-long calls to Victoria Beckham for advice on how to cope with Cruise's controlling ways only add to overall concern.
Grade: D

Friendships
Aside from the above-mentioned Victoria Beckham, Katie seems to spend most of her time with her credit card and baby Suri. Meanwhile, Tom spends his social time attempting to convert his friends to Scientology; one story has Tom calling the soon-to-be-L.A.-based Beckhams 18 times in one hour in a bid to win them over.
Grade: D

Careers
Despite a rocky 2006 (a tepid box office response for "Mission:Impossible III" and a very public separation from Paramount Pictures), Cruise bounced back by landing a sweet gig as honcho of United Artists and has four films currently in varied stages of production. Still, his planned turn as a would-be Hitler assassin has been coolly received by the real life character's family who worry that the film will be used to promote Scientology.

Katie, who hasn't appeared on screen since 2005's "Thank You for Smoking" recently ended her hiatus to sign on to "Mad Money" with Diane Keaton (10 demerits) and Queen Latifah. Still, with Tom's plans to be on set every day, one worries that Katie may not hit the creative stride she started showing in early movies like "The Ice Storm" and "Pieces of April."
Grade: Tom -- B, Katie -- C

Parenting
Despite being an alien, little Suri Cruise remains one of the cutest babies ever. She'll celebrate her first birthday in eight days and seems to be happy and healthy. Mom and dad may want to ease up on the grooming, though: recent reports have Suri getting coiffed (in the buff) weekly. Both Holmes and Cruise also spend much time with Connor and Isabella, Cruise's children from his previous marriage to Nicole Kidman.
Grade: B

Wackdoodleness
Since Katie hasn't made any public statements recently (though we can't wait for the "Mad Money" press junket), we can't adequately comment on her sanity. Tom, however, recently set off the skeptic radar by promoting his bid to detox 9/11's Ground Zero workers with a Scientology-based regimen "which includes high doses of niacin to release fatty acids into the bloodstream, ingesting cold-pressed oil and sweating off toxins in a sauna set at 140 to 180 degrees for 2 1/2 to five hours a day, with frequent showers." (Source) Cruise will host a $100,000-per-table benefit for the program in New York later this month.
Grade: F

Summary: All newlyweds go through an adjustment period, but Tom and Katie have much work to do in the coming months if they hope to avoid repeat nominations in this year's Celebritology Honors.

By Liz Kelly  | April 10, 2007; 11:23 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, TomKat  
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Next: Larry Birkhead is Anna Nicole's Baby's Daddy

Comments

Not being a fan of Tom Cruise, I'd like to see his "career" become an "F".

Posted by: Milwaukee | April 10, 2007 11:54 AM | Report abuse

I dunno, Liz. Shouldn't that Wackadoodleness grade be an A?

Posted by: fs | April 10, 2007 12:03 PM | Report abuse

It won't be long till she realizes she married a loser ... trying to find somebody just like dear old Dad doesn't usually work when hubby and daddy have the same real-time memories.

Posted by: SoMD | April 10, 2007 12:10 PM | Report abuse

10 demerits... harsh.

Posted by: not bluto | April 10, 2007 12:13 PM | Report abuse

What's with Katie dressing like Katharine Hepburn and Jackie Onassis? She marries Tom and looks his age now, too?

I hate that I was a fan of hers - her talents have been completely wasted.

Posted by: Kat | April 10, 2007 12:14 PM | Report abuse

"Matchy-Matchy-ness: Towering six inches over one's spouse? Grade: D"

Err...so Tom should be forbidden to marry anyone taller than him? Or Katie anyone shorter?

He's a wackjob, but keep it above the belt; this isn't Star magazine.

Posted by: Spektor | April 10, 2007 12:14 PM | Report abuse

She's gotta get coiffed weekly otherwise the massive amounts of hair would reveal her true alien form.

Posted by: Bored @ work | April 10, 2007 12:33 PM | Report abuse

Who's hand is that on Katie's purse in the "hours long call" article?

Posted by: Bethesda | April 10, 2007 12:38 PM | Report abuse

WHO'S THE BABY DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Waiting impatiently | April 10, 2007 12:39 PM | Report abuse

Liz, it might time for one of your twelve-step plans for TomKat (and, while you're at it, for Don Imus.)

Posted by: Kelli | April 10, 2007 1:00 PM | Report abuse

Romance
F - for the many times I saw their teeth from the mile wide smiles and the kissing, I'm all for public displays of affection but come on now.

Friendships
F - when I think of the times I have gone home to a message from a creditor for a woman I have never met, or the calls from marketers , or the occassional collect call from an inmate (my number must be on some weird list out there). I'll take those calls over either Tom doing his weekly conversion call or Katie whining over a relationship that I blame her for getting into.

Careers
D - to Tom for having enough time on his hands to keep track of his wife while she's working rather than running a studio. I'm iffy about Katies grade on this one.

Posted by: petal | April 10, 2007 1:36 PM | Report abuse

"He's a wackjob, but keep it above the belt; this isn't Star magazine"

It's impossible for anyone to bend over enough to hit him below the belt.

Posted by: BF | April 10, 2007 2:10 PM | Report abuse

Re: Err...so Tom should be forbidden to marry anyone taller than him? Or Katie anyone shorter?

I think the idea here is that most in-love people with that size difference try to minimize it (i.e. no heels!) That pic looks like she's flaunting it! "Hey there shortpants, I'm sooo almost out of here"

Posted by: Bear | April 10, 2007 2:26 PM | Report abuse

I would not give them a B for Parenting. Katie has been photographed many times on extensive trips (shopping in Paris for Fashion Week, etc.) and she clearly doesn't have any sign of Suri. It is great she has arelationship with the older kids, but her interaction with Suri isn't evident. I know, maybe that Scientology garbage is part of it...

On contrast, I love seeing how Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Garner are always toting their tots.

Posted by: Rockville Mama | April 10, 2007 3:07 PM | Report abuse

"I think the idea here is that most in-love people with that size difference try to minimize it (i.e. no heels!)"

I am taller than my husband, so that means that I should "minimize" the difference too? Uh, why? And what the heck does that have to do with being "in-love?" Because society says I need some big burly guy to protect lil' ole me? Tom Cruise creeps the heck out of me, but I think that Katie should be able to wear whatever shoes she wants. I remember when Cruise was with Kidman people thought he was a creep for disallowing her from wearing heels, now this?

Posted by: Failing Matchy-matchyness too... | April 10, 2007 3:55 PM | Report abuse

I just can't watch him in a movie after this last year or so. Everytime I see him up on screen it's just creepy now. Shame since I used to like his films.

Posted by: cambel | April 10, 2007 4:11 PM | Report abuse

Love the wackdoodleness. What a great word! Agree that this grade should be revised to A- or B+ because of previous couch-jumping and Lauer-baiting. Go Tom, keep up the good wackiness!

Posted by: tina | April 11, 2007 4:11 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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