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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 05/ 4/2007

Celebritology 101: TomKat Triage

By Liz Kelly

Shiny happy people Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise. (Getty Images)

Earlier this week, fellow Scientologist Jenna Elfman, who you may remember from sitcom TV past, surfaced to reassure us that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are "happy." Thanks, Jenna.

It wasn't until yesterday, though, when Jada Pinkett Smith emphatically remarked that Katie Holmes isn't a prisoner in her own home and is, in fact, a "tigress" (roar!), that my TomKat radar (like "Spidey Sense" minus the webbing) went into all kinds of high alert.

See, of late our insatiable appetite for details (true, false and in-between) about the private lives of the TomKat clan has been well fed. Let's face it, we've been downright spoiled. Here's just a sampling of recent buzz about the mythical pair:

-- Katie has been flirting with "Mad Money" co-star Adam Rothenberg.
-- Katie has been secretly meeting with Catholic priests.
-- Katie's telling friends she can't believe she "abandoned her old life."
-- In desperation, Katie called Nicole Kidman for marriage advice.
-- Tom and his mother have taken over the Louisiana set of Katie's movie.
-- Tom has demanded that Katie take Scientology "mommy classes."

That is why today, when I saw this article posted to People.com, I recognized an opportunity to provide students of Celebritology with a textbook example of a full-on PR offensive. The story quotes not one, not two, but FOUR high octane friends who all agree with People's "ripped from the press release" lede, which reads:

"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes share a life together that's shocking - shockingly normal, that is, considering they're one of the world's most famous couples."

Do we get the message that Tom and Katie are just an average young family? Mission accomplished. I'll be framing a high res image of the story and adding it to the Celebritology Hall of Fame, right next this Rock Hudson wedding portrait.

By Liz Kelly  | May 4, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Celebritology 101, TomKat  
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Comments

What...what...what are you implying about Rock?

Posted by: Aimee | May 4, 2007 10:49 AM | Report abuse

I bet I know what TomKat watch on Movie night at their house...Battlefield Earth!!!

Posted by: your husband | May 4, 2007 11:02 AM | Report abuse

Oh Liz, ouch. Rock Hudson. Who was he married to? It almost looks like Shelley Winters.
I agree this media blitz is creepy. Almost as creepy as the couple themselves.

Posted by: POS | May 4, 2007 11:11 AM | Report abuse

Ah - Rock Hudson... those were the days, when men were men and liked men and no one knew to care!

Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 11:14 AM | Report abuse

Methinks they doth protest too much.

Any time a celeb or their friends have to go to the press & say "We're normal! We do normal things!" they're anything but normal.

Case in point:

Remember the whole Bennifer interview on 20/20 or Dateline or whatever show it was? How much longer after that did they break up? Not much.

Another case:

Britney's infamous Matt Lauer interview. Not much longer after that she broke up w/KFed & all the other wackiness ensued.

Posted by: Bored @ work | May 4, 2007 11:17 AM | Report abuse

that's a long Kool-Aid line they have going there....

Posted by: b | May 4, 2007 11:20 AM | Report abuse

That's Phyllis Gates, or Mrs. Rock Hudson as she's better known...and they enjoyed three wonderfully fulfilling years of wedded bliss, no doubt.

Actually, to paraphrase Aimee..."What...what...what are you implying about Tom??"

Posted by: methinks | May 4, 2007 11:43 AM | Report abuse

The best thing Tomkat can do is to admit the truth that:
1) Tom is a control freak who belongs to a cult.
2) Katie doesn't want to join the cult, but loves Tom.
3) Katie feels overwhelmed by Tom, parenting, media, etc.
4) Katie's parents were right about Tom.
5) Katie is going to try to make this marriage work despite her doubts.

Posted by: Lisa1 | May 4, 2007 11:51 AM | Report abuse

Katie made her deal with Tom and now she's paying the price. A pretty harsh lesson to learn, I'd say. It's amazing they think the public is gullible enough to buy their act!

Posted by: Rockville | May 4, 2007 12:14 PM | Report abuse

Wait a moment. When is Katie going to come out and state emphatically that she's happy. Or is she soooooooooo blissed out that the act of shouting "I'm over the moon happy! Who wouldn't be, with a 24/7 husband, his family and Scientology handlers!!!!!" A little too much for her to manage these days.

Posted by: petal | May 4, 2007 12:24 PM | Report abuse

Re Rock Hudson's wife: Yes, her name was Phyllis Gates and she was (ahem!) Rock's agent's secretary. I mean, who else would the most gorgeous, hunky film star of the 1950s marry if not his agent's Gal Friday?

Posted by: Jack | May 4, 2007 12:38 PM | Report abuse

Hey Liz, do you know what today is?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Pants_Day

Yep, that's right: No Pants Day.

Posted by: omni | May 4, 2007 1:06 PM | Report abuse

forget no pants day! where's our Friday list!?!

:)

Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 1:10 PM | Report abuse

Rockville: "Katie made her deal with Tom and now she's paying the price. A pretty harsh lesson to learn, I'd say. It's amazing they think the public is gullible enough to buy their act!"

Please do tell, what deal did she make, you write like you know a thing or two. The public is gullible if people like you are participating in sh!t like this.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 1:10 PM | Report abuse

not denying Scientology is a cult, but to be fair, let's look at Catholicism: supernatural beings fighting over your soul, obtaining forgiveness for bad things by eating substances that turn into the blood of a long-dead founder of the religion, chanting mystical words and phrases, a leader of the group who communes directly with the supernatural being. And historically, the Church killed those who disagreed.
The only difference here is a few hundred years to take root.

Posted by: Former Catholic school girl | May 4, 2007 1:13 PM | Report abuse

Has anyone read Hollywood Car Wash? It just came out, but supposedly it's loosely based on Katie Holmes' story. It's about a nice midwestern girl who gets swept up in the whole Hollywood scene by a twist of fate. She winds up getting a "work for hire" contract for $250,000 from a famous hollywood movie star to play the part of his girlfriend for a year, with bonuses if she agrees to marry him and have a child. Who knows if it's true or not, but I guess Katie was quite upset when the book came out. Hmmmm.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 1:43 PM | Report abuse

Ummmm. yeah. Liz had a column on that one a little while back.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 1:49 PM | Report abuse

The Shakespeare line is the perfect one to explain this couple. Here is the thing--all of us have stuff in our lives that we are proud of and are not proud of. For instance, lets say you have tons of debt and a cousin finds out and spreads this info to the whole family. You will not be happy that the news got out because it is embarrassing. Let's say you are super cheap and have no debt but you have plenty of money. Will you care if people make fun of you behind your back and ask why you dont have cable?? No you wont. You will think it is funny that idiots that dont know the truth think they can figure it out. Katie and TOm are NOT acting like that. They are acting like people with problems.

Posted by: te | May 4, 2007 1:51 PM | Report abuse

te, I agree. and Brangelina are not acting that way. They seem pretty genuinely happy to me.

Posted by: pe | May 4, 2007 2:02 PM | Report abuse

I am just curious, does anyone know what Scientology's position is on homosexuality? Is it a sin, like in most other religions? Or is it accepted?

And right on, former catholic school girl, I agree totally with you. To me, Scientology is just as illogical (and dangerous) as all other organized religions.

Posted by: CJB | May 4, 2007 2:05 PM | Report abuse

I have no idea if this is correct (it is Wiki, after all) but here is something

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_and_Scientology

Posted by: Lily | May 4, 2007 2:06 PM | Report abuse

I thought it was funny how so many of the first posts were about Rock Hudson and not the Cruise Crazies. Just goes to show you, we are so over this media circus.
Liz, please drum up some dirt on someone else.

Posted by: Juda | May 4, 2007 2:14 PM | Report abuse

"Brangelina may seem genuinely happy" of course, they are cult. It's part of the "Church of Jolie"

Posted by: Lisa1 | May 4, 2007 2:23 PM | Report abuse

These other celebrities need to shut their mouths. If Katie and Tom can't stick up for themselves, then what business is it of Jada and Jenna's? Ugh, I'm sick of this whole thing.
The jig is up!

Posted by: Emily | May 4, 2007 2:28 PM | Report abuse

Rock Hudson was a truly great actor. Tom Cruise is not! No wacko religion and trophy wife is going to change that for him.

Posted by: POS | May 4, 2007 3:45 PM | Report abuse

Here's all you need to know about $cientology:

Charles Manson was a $cientologist when he was in prison in the 60s.

Posted by: Bored @ work | May 4, 2007 3:52 PM | Report abuse

You can't trot out other Scientologists to "prove" that you are normal. Convincing us doesn't work that way. You have to get, like, her high school friends or her costars from Dawson's that weren't allowed at the wedding. I'd trust them more.

Posted by: OD | May 4, 2007 4:10 PM | Report abuse

"Tigress" Katie needs to dump 'whack job' Tom, book some weekly visits with a de-programmer, and refocus her energies on her happiness, her career, and friends she can trust. She will eventually come to this conclusion, but until then we can only stare in horror at the slow-motion car crash that is TomKat.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 4:14 PM | Report abuse

Isn't Scientology based on some space alien crap? Not really sure, got my info from the South Park episode, considering the number of celebrities involved, I hope not, because it does seem kind of cultish.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 5:09 PM | Report abuse

I am getting rather tired of TomKat and Scientology being synonymous with one another in any article that I might see about either subject. When there is an article about TomKat then Scientology is mentioned not because it has anything to do with the article but just because, as if I didn't already know from all the of other articles that just keep saying TomKat and Scientology... TomKat and Scientology... TomKat and Scientology... It is like the media has decided that the two cannot be separated. I would have to say it has become a rather effective smear campaign against TomKat. I don't really care about him, he never has been one of the actors I like to watch but I am bored about this subject!

Posted by: MF | May 4, 2007 5:09 PM | Report abuse

Wait: TomKat.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 5:58 PM | Report abuse

Scientology!

Posted by: Works like a charm! | May 4, 2007 5:59 PM | Report abuse

Is Katie in deep denial or just the only one gullible enough to buy into what Tom's selling? All the other starlets he "interviewed" about being his next wife/broodmare didn't buy it. Katie wasn't the first choice, she was just the only one dumb/gullible enough to attach herself to him and all his weirdness like a baby possum. And the only one who doesn't think she won't be traded in for, oh, someone in their 20s when she is in her late 30s ... just shy of their 10th wedding anniversary is how I believe it works with Whacko Tom.

Then again, maybe Katie's smarter than I'm giving her credit for being. Maybe she's just in it for the $$, and knows that by posing as Whacko's wife for awhile and having a child (doesn't matter who donated the sperm), she'll get a lot of loot and maybe some plum movie roles, too.

Posted by: Hmm.... | May 4, 2007 6:58 PM | Report abuse

Speaking of TomKat:Scientology in the celebrity world, didn't Bush pull the same thing with the media by mentioning 9/11:Sadam Hussein in every sentence leading up to the war?

I'm just sayin'...

Posted by: hey, MF | May 4, 2007 9:55 PM | Report abuse

Hmm,did you see when Tom came on Coffee with Chou? See Rabbit Bites. He acted very funny.

Posted by: Buns and Chou Chou | May 5, 2007 1:54 PM | Report abuse

You all are a bunch of mindless, brainwashed, blahblahblahberring, which hunting, sycophantic, moronic, hate mongering, jealous, unhappy, sad, lifeless, pestilent, pernicious and loathsome A-Holes. Get - A - Freakin LIFE! They don't give a RATS-Ass what you think you bunch of Stupid SHEEP! They are EATING and Drinking and driving the BEST and F-in like bunnies! Good !! They earned it, apparently! Go Back to sleep till your mediocre life is over and shut the F up.

Posted by: Little Nepeatize | May 7, 2007 2:25 AM | Report abuse

You all are a bunch of mindless, brainwashed, blahblahblahberring, which hunting, sycophantic, moronic, hate mongering, jealous, unhappy, sad, lifeless, pestilent, pernicious and loathsome A-Holes. Get - A - Freakin LIFE! They don't give a RATS-Ass what you think you bunch of Stupid SHEEP! They are EATING and Drinking and driving the BEST and F-in like bunnies! Good !! They earned it, apparently! Go Back to sleep till your mediocre life is over and shut the F up.

Posted by: Little Nepeatize | May 7, 2007 2:26 AM | Report abuse

ah, Little Neapitize, you bring back fond memories of che....

Posted by: Anonymous | May 7, 2007 10:22 AM | Report abuse

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