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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 05/ 7/2007

Celebritology Clip n' Save: Paris's Prison Primer

By Liz Kelly

A subdued Paris Hilton leaves the Los Angeles Municipal Court Metropolitan branch Friday. (AP)

Late Friday afternoon, when most of us law-abiding types were turning our attention to happy hours or "Spider-Man 3," Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer earned himself a life-long berth in Celebritology history by sentencing one Paris Whitney Hilton to spend 45 days in county jail as punishment for violating her probation.

Hilton is ordered to report to the Century Regional Detentional Facility in Lynwood, Calif. on June 5, where she will -- we assume -- find out how simple (try three squares and an in-cell latrine) life can actually get.

To help Paris through her 45-day exile, amateur celebrity correctional consultant Lisa Todorovich and I offer a few survival tips:

1. Pre-planning prevents poor performance: Review this comprehensive list of chicks-in-prison-flicks for cues from Pam Grier, Tanya Roberts and Wendy O. Williams on how to turn your 45-day stretch into a sexy misadventure.

2. Hair extensions can get a bit ratty without regular salon visits. You may want to have them removed and opt for one of these looks for the duration.

3. One good way to stave off the inevitable monotony and boredom of jailhouse life is to organize an old-fashioned egg-eating contest -- even if lore holds that nobody can eat 50 eggs. (And it's Atkins-approved!)

4. According to Wikipedia, prison tattoos provide a shorthand to other inmates, alerting them to "the wearer's personal history -- such as his or her skills, specialties, accomplishments and convictions." For you, we'd recommend a lip-synching kinkajou capitalizing on her grandfather's business acumen.

5. Count your blessings -- life could be worse: You could have been sentenced in Maricopa County, Ariz., where Sheriff Joe Arpaio makes his inmates live in tents and wear pink underwear. Then again, at least you'd be wearing underwear. That's hot!

6. Two words: Conjugal visits.


A typical jail cell at the Century Regional Detention Facility. (AP)

7. Play your cards right and a little jail time may actually help your music career It certainly never hurt Suge Knight.

8. We assume you'll bring some touches of your own personal style to your jailhouse wear (remember, horizontal stripes aren't universally flattering), but you may want to lay off the feathers.

9. They don't serve burgers in this klink, but use your slammer time to develop a new appreciation for chicken -- mmm... mmm... good. (Think: KFC spokesperson.)

10. Cheer up: At least now you'll have something to actually be famous for. You know, other than being born rich and making homemade porn.

11. Embrace prison-made apparel. Nothing says "rehabilitated member of society" like a homey inmate-crafted poncho.

12. Repeat after us: Karma's a bitch.

This is one in a series of self-help articles aimed at bettering the celebrity condition.

By Liz Kelly  | May 7, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Clip N' Saves, Paris Hilton  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Morning Mix: Paris Calls Jail Sentence 'Unfair,' Fires Publicist
Next: Morning Mix: Hilton Plans to Appeal Sentence

Comments

The one thing i'm confused about is that Paris blamed her PA for not telling her that her license had been revoked. But didnt she also fail the breath test a second time too? So did the PA also forget to remind her that driving drunk is still a no-no?

Posted by: niki | May 7, 2007 11:08 AM | Report abuse

she should be jailed (or at least fined) for those sunglasses (in the last link) alone!

Posted by: methinks | May 7, 2007 11:14 AM | Report abuse

Can someone tell Paris to watch out for that broomstick in the jail and stay away from any female inmate with a mustache.

Posted by: jailbird | May 7, 2007 11:25 AM | Report abuse

Imagine having to be her cellmate! The inhumanity. Prisoners in Gitmo will be counting their blessings.

Posted by: mike | May 7, 2007 11:28 AM | Report abuse

What happened to the "good old days" when the judge could could give the defendant the chance to join the Marines or the Army to turn their lives around INSTEAD of going to jail??:>)

Paris could do this, and it could become a new reality series, except that it would be REAL. No "Simple Life" stupidity, AND she couldn't quit. MILLIONS of viewers would watch just hoping to see her fail. She could donate her proceeds to military charities. Talk about structure and discipline. Call the show: "Paris Hilton at Paris Island." The other recruits would make it very hard for her, not to mention the Drill Instructors, if she didn't pull her weight. If she did pull her weight, they would treat her much better than jail. Then when she graduates, she could go on USO tours and has a shot at a real career.

Yeah I know...ROTFL.
JB

Posted by: JB | May 7, 2007 11:45 AM | Report abuse

The gamut of Japanese women in prison movies are definitely missing from the list. There's Lady Snowblood, the Female Prisoner Scorpion 707 series, not to mention the Pinkie Violence Movie genre.

Posted by: Rita | May 7, 2007 12:04 PM | Report abuse

she got exactly what she deserves. it didn't help her case by showing up late for her court appearance.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 7, 2007 12:05 PM | Report abuse

JB,

It's been done...1980..."Private Benjamin."

Posted by: Thin Man | May 7, 2007 12:08 PM | Report abuse

Paris remember not to drop your soap in the shower or don't bend over to pick it up if you dropped it.

Posted by: Tip | May 7, 2007 12:17 PM | Report abuse

Send the mom to prison instead.

Posted by: POS | May 7, 2007 12:37 PM | Report abuse

I would like to add:

Take the bottom bunk. This way you won't wake up to a surprise from your roomy. Like a cell made knife or whatever. I'm guessing you'll be awake and crying most of the time so you should be able to hear if she's on the move.

Keep your head down when in the yard. I've seen OZ, a smart mouth is not the way to gain friends. Then again you won't have a problem there.

To the poor unfortunate soul about to spend some quality with Paris. May the force be with you. Stay strong.

Posted by: petal | May 7, 2007 12:43 PM | Report abuse

Perhaps the other inmates should be warned that Paris has herpes, so they don't get TOO friendly with her.

Posted by: karma rules! | May 7, 2007 12:51 PM | Report abuse

Maybe it's too obvious, but if I'm Paris and I get 45 days in jail, I fire my *lawyer*, not my publicist.

(If nothing else, I'll need him to smuggle in a pair of Manolos, some Louis Vuitton prison stripes, and a nice diamond-encrusted shiv.)

Posted by: byoolin | May 7, 2007 12:51 PM | Report abuse

What??? She's got herpes. I or II? She should disclose this before marriage.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 7, 2007 1:10 PM | Report abuse

This could be the basis for a new reality show, "Paris in Prison."


Posted by: been there | May 7, 2007 1:27 PM | Report abuse

I guess the judge didn't realize that she's "hot". I think she'd better downplay that when she's in the hoosegow. I just hope that her lawyers don't get her out of jail time or that she doesn't get any special treatment when she's locked away.

Posted by: pnina | May 7, 2007 1:45 PM | Report abuse

I don't understand why people some people are torn about her sentence. It is what the judge would give you or me if we committed the same crimes. He's just got the balls to do what no one else has and put her in her place. Let it stick, a 45 day vacation w/out seeing Paris and her freaky sunglasses and rat dogs will be nice.

Posted by: Sharon | May 7, 2007 1:56 PM | Report abuse

Paris Hilton says, without irony, that she does not have open her own mail (she has people who do that for her!), that she does not read what she signs (presumably, she has people who do that for her too). Alas, she wants pity from the court and the public. Apparently, she does not recognize that out here in the real world, where we plebians have to open our mail, read contracts and papers we sign, AND follow the law, such pleas are not going to elicit a lot of sympathy.
It is a shame that with all her millions, she never even bothered to go to college so that she could understand something more about the world than her own tiny, privileged universe.

Posted by: the unwashed masses | May 7, 2007 2:28 PM | Report abuse

So, it seems that blond bimbos aren't protected by California's state constitution after all. Hats off to the judge for the fair ruling.

Posted by: Robert B. | May 7, 2007 2:30 PM | Report abuse

she should be glad she didn't have a jury trial. she'd probably be doing a year instead of 45 days.

Posted by: b | May 7, 2007 2:34 PM | Report abuse

Sharon,

Agreed a 45 day vacation from Paris aka jail bird is welcomed (what has happened to the dog?). I think we're going to suffer on the other end when she gets out. At the very least ET, the Insider and Access will cover the release and then they'll beat it to death with the interviews of everyone remotely involved, I predict her cellmate will get 15 mins of fame. Then they'll cover her return to the party scene. In the end the public gets hosed.

Posted by: petal | May 7, 2007 2:40 PM | Report abuse

We won't have to see her plastic face for 45 days;that alone is a cause for celebration.

Tip for Paris:
Don't call anyone or anything ghetto. You will just asking for a beatdown.

Posted by: Lisa1 | May 7, 2007 2:53 PM | Report abuse

O.J. and Robert Blake are free and Paris goes to jail...that seems fair.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 7, 2007 3:19 PM | Report abuse

What do you mean, Don Imus wasn't talking about Paris Hilton?

Posted by: Anonymous | May 7, 2007 4:11 PM | Report abuse

Paris is right -- her sentence WAS unfair. Had it been "fair" she would have immediately gone into custody and started serving her sentence. Poor girl, her publicist gave her bad legal advice (read: the kind of advice Paris wanted to hear, not what her lawyer told her was her legal obligation) and she is going to suffer for it. The judge should have sentenced Paris' mother to the same jail cell for contempt of court!

Posted by: Colorado Kool Aid | May 7, 2007 4:21 PM | Report abuse

wait, don't most sentences for non-violent, non-flight risk defendants get suspended pending appeal?

Posted by: OD | May 7, 2007 4:36 PM | Report abuse

All these posts about prison rape are *so* funny....not. Rape is not funny in any way and you merry jokesters should be ashamed of yourselves, IMO.

Posted by: GCG | May 7, 2007 5:06 PM | Report abuse

Street Sense has a lot more class than Paris Hilton any day.

Posted by: POS | May 7, 2007 6:25 PM | Report abuse

I hope no one makes a third rate movie about Paris in jail like they did with Martha Stewart. Of couse, I don't think Paris knows any crafts or recipes. Or manners. Or cares about her fan club. Or knows how to count to three....

Posted by: What's a morale? | May 7, 2007 7:43 PM | Report abuse

save paris hilton... we want her to stay out of jail... we want to save her like the rest of the other world,PLEASE love you paris xox

Posted by: tyron | May 20, 2007 6:20 AM | Report abuse

save paris hilton... we want her to stay out of jail... we want to save her like the rest of the other world,PLEASE love you paris xox

Posted by: tyron | May 20, 2007 6:20 AM | Report abuse

Paris, shes awesome please the world should vote for her to stay out of jail. if they did everyone would vote for her not to go to jail, paris we love you we want nothing bad to happen to you please governor of california keep her out of jail. were all on your side paris. xox

Posted by: Tyron | May 20, 2007 6:23 AM | Report abuse

This is out ragous paris hilton does not deserve this, i think she was treated unfairly and singled out because of who she is. the judge maid up his mind before he walked in the door.

Posted by: tyron | May 20, 2007 6:25 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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