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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 05/15/2007

Where in the World is Jayden James?

By Liz Kelly

(Jeremy Norman for washingtonpost.com)

Hey Y'all.

What with all the head-shaving and fishnetting, one can easily forget that Britney Spears is also the mother of two tykes: Sean Preston (SPF) and Jayden James. SPF scored primo PR last year with a couple of tabloid stories about mom's bad parenting: There was the cracked skull mishap resulting in a visit from child services and the infamous lap-driving incident (they're so "country"!). And, recently, SPF has been seen making the scene with mom at L.A.'s Millennium Dance Studio, where she's busily hatching her plan to bring the sexy back.

But the astute observer of celebrity domestication may have noticed that something is missing from this family portrait: Spears's eight-month-old son Jayden James. Not since the months-long wait for the first pictures of little Suri Cruise or Anna Nicole Smith's first marriage has so much ink been expended on someone who wears diapers.

The latest rumor buzzing around the Interwebs is that Jayden James is being kept out of the public eye because he suffers from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome brought on by mom's pre-natal partying. This replaces the boring old theory that Spears was keeping Jayden under wraps until she could make a bundle selling pix of the tot to the highest-bidding magazine.

I prefer to think JJ is borrowing a page from the Howard Hughes celebrity playbook -- laying low, stockpiling his pee, letting his fingernails grow.

Because Celebritology likes to give back, today we'll dedicate our scary-powerful collective genius to solving the mystery of JJ's whereabouts by engaging in a little exercise called "If I were X [X being the missing quantity], where would I be?" This state-of-the-art method of deduction has helped me to find keys in linen drawers and sunglasses in my husband's glove compartment on innumerable occasions. Today, it will doubtless lead us to the likely reason Jayden James has eluded the spotlight thus far.

As usual, I'll start:

If I were Jayden James, where would I be?
Well, seeing as how Britney Spears is my mother and Kevin Federline is my father, I'm probably hitchhiking to Angelina Jolie's current location in Prague where I can seamlessly disappear into the Jolie-Pitt tribe.

Your turn...

By Liz Kelly  | May 15, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Britney Spears, Celebrities  
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Next: Morning Mix: Spears Named Most Overexposed Celeb

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