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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 07/23/2007

Celebreality Review: 'Rock of Love'

By Liz Kelly

If, like me, you missed last week's first "Rock of Love" installment, it's not too late to catch up with the newest kid on the celebreality block.

Until only a week ago, it appeared Flavor Flav would reign in perpetuity as the unchallenged king of reality TV. "Flavor of Love" was contrived, outrageous, disturbing, mysogynistic, utterly irresistible TV. Turns out, though, that Flav isn't the only washed-up musician (using "musician" in the broadest sense of the word) capable of wrangling a house full of bimbettes with bared fangs bent on winning the supposed prize of becoming [insert washed-up star's name here] lady love.

In Poison front man Bret Michaels, the man at the center of "Rock of Love," VH1 has found a worthy successor to Flav -- one whose take on cathouse matchmaking is just different enough to deserve an hour of our already packed weeks. Trust me, TV history is being made against a dizzying backdrop of bad hair extensions, enough silicone to raise the Titanic, cat fights, free-flowing alcohol and indiscriminate tongue-kissing.

Michaels has settled comfortably into his post-glam glory days and his getups -- from a cowhide duster to flame-encrusted pajamas to the ubiquitous bandana and cowboy hat -- evoke a glam-metal Liberace. His spray-on tan and bleached-out tresses rival those sported by the women. To his credit, Michaels seems to stay mostly sober -- working out as the contestants drink themselves into stuporous spats and plot ways to get each other kicked out of the house. And, not one to do things by halves, Michaels (who I hope has access to industrial-strength Listerine) has already tongue kissed at least 10 of the contestants, and we're only in week two of the competition.

As expected, the chicks (the original complement of 25 women has been pared down to a manageable 12) seem to be mainly cut from stripper cloth. They are Barbie-women with names like "Tawny," "Tiffany," "Dallas" and "Rodeo." They came equipped with barely street legal outfits and ready to bring their A-game early in the competition. On the first night, one contestant dons a bikini to set herself apart while another attempts a lap dance. In week two, alliances are formed and high-school level schemes hatched. Upcoming episodes promise more drama interspersed with mud-football and some ill-advised tattoos. It's all just deliciously awful.

See for yourself:

If you haven't been watching, catch up with episode synopses at BuddyTV or watch outtakes and audition tapes at the official VH1 site.

By the way, Michaels will be online tomorrow at noon ET to answer your questions about "Rock of Love," Poison and what ever else you might want to know from the guy.


------

TCB*

On Friday, I asked you to craft headlines so fantastically unbelievable, they'd never be seen in Celebritology. You came through with some fabulous contributions. Kudos to everyone who managed to work in a "Danza Slap" reference. These, though, were our favorites:

Michael Vick Introduces Line of Dog Houses Exclusively for PetSmart

O'Donnell, Hasselbeck Marry in Private Ceremony

Sequel Deemed 'Unnecessary' by Hollywood Studio

VH1 Debuts Reality Dating Show with A-List Star in Prime of His Career

George Clooney to Wed Pregnant Girlfriend

Actress Seen in Public Does Not Appear Pregnant

Oscar Winner Tara Reid to play Susan B. Anthony

Mills to McCartney: 'Just Keep Your F***ing Money!'

Like them? Read all of the submissions here.


(* Taking Care of Business)

By Liz Kelly  | July 23, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  TV  
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Comments

I've been trying to get to your chat from 7/19, since last Friday. The link doesn't seem to be working. Do you know what's going on?

Posted by: Chat Link? | July 23, 2007 10:59 AM | Report abuse

Yes!!! I'm so glad I'm not the only one watching this show. It really is amazing. Here are just a few things that I want to talk about:

1. I've seen Brett before this show started without the bandana and he's almost completely bald. Is he wearing a stringy awful wig?

2. Can we agree that they're making him keep Tiffany on for the television factor?

3. Rodeo looks familiar and I'm pretty sure it's because she plays Bridge with my grandmother.

Posted by: KG | July 23, 2007 11:08 AM | Report abuse

When Flava of Love ended, I was afraid my weekly dose of self-esteem would be taken away as well. Alas, VH1 has found a new batch of contestants to make me feel quite satisfied with my life choices. Thank you, VH1. Your Celebreality programming ups me like Stuart Smalley on crack.

Posted by: cee_jay | July 23, 2007 11:17 AM | Report abuse

We're checking into the chat link. Will keep you posted.

Posted by: Liz | July 23, 2007 11:23 AM | Report abuse

I...I...I don't understand! Who are these people and why do they go on this show? I guess, having never seen Flava of Love, I don't get the whole category, but, like...are any of these women legitimately interested in that slob? Help me out here!

Posted by: h3 | July 23, 2007 11:27 AM | Report abuse

OK I'm coming outta the reality TV closet & saying I LOVE THIS SHOW!!

The only show that trumps it is the Scott Baio show. And I think it's just because he's so unwilling to do anything to make a commitment & is an even bigger mess than the girls on ROL.

Bret isn't bald yet, but he's thinning up front. At least that's what it looked like in last nite's episode.

I really dig that he just openly admits he wants to bed all of them & probably will.

I also like that he admits that can't get past some of their breasts.

Now he's no Jon Bon Jovi in the looks, longevity or money dept., but, even if he's not your cup o tea, you gotta admit he's much more attractive than Flav, he's still touring & recording but most importantly he doesn't have a dozen kids w/a dozen different baby mammas.

Posted by: Bored @ work | July 23, 2007 11:55 AM | Report abuse

At least, Flava knows he is unattractive which was part of the fun while Brett Michaels has no idea how unappealing he is. This makes the tan in a can, bleached thinning hair, and his hidden supply of Rogaine more pathetic.

Posted by: Lisa1 | July 23, 2007 12:49 PM | Report abuse

My favorite was the woman who said "Every thorn has it's rose" in the first episode. I don't know if she's still on the show.

For some reason, I can't get into it yet and I was a watcher of both sessions of Flavor of Love (maybe the ick factor was higher for me and I had to watch the train wrecks).

Posted by: WDC | July 23, 2007 1:27 PM | Report abuse

The "every thorn has it's rose" woman didn't make it through the door.

I think.

They cut 5 or 6 girls before they even let them through the door.

Posted by: Bored @ work | July 23, 2007 1:46 PM | Report abuse

I assume that by "bad hair extensions" you mean Bret Michaels'? This show is spectacular.

The "every thorn has its rose" woman made it into the house but, after a very bizarre, rambling speech to Bret about how men objectify her for her ravishing beauty and don't recognize her massive intellect, was given the boot.

Posted by: girlwonder | July 23, 2007 2:00 PM | Report abuse

Why did they cut the first group of girls? Did they specifically say why? I got up from the TV at some point and may have missed that part. The whole group kind of had that hideous orange tan/fried hair thing going on, so it didn't seem obvious that those women were less attractive, etc.

Posted by: PQ | July 24, 2007 10:47 PM | Report abuse

I can't seem to get into this show the way I did with Flav and I love New York...Bret Michaels has no great expression and comes across as dull as a butter knife. His appearance is hideous..Couldn't VH1 find ANYONE more entertaining? At least more interesting?

Posted by: kat | July 30, 2007 11:55 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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