Celebreality Review: 'Rock of Love'
If, like me, you missed last week's first "Rock of Love" installment, it's not too late to catch up with the newest kid on the celebreality block.
Until only a week ago, it appeared Flavor Flav would reign in perpetuity as the unchallenged king of reality TV. "Flavor of Love" was contrived, outrageous, disturbing, mysogynistic, utterly irresistible TV. Turns out, though, that Flav isn't the only washed-up musician (using "musician" in the broadest sense of the word) capable of wrangling a house full of bimbettes with bared fangs bent on winning the supposed prize of becoming [insert washed-up star's name here] lady love.
In Poison front man Bret Michaels, the man at the center of "Rock of Love," VH1 has found a worthy successor to Flav -- one whose take on cathouse matchmaking is just different enough to deserve an hour of our already packed weeks. Trust me, TV history is being made against a dizzying backdrop of bad hair extensions, enough silicone to raise the Titanic, cat fights, free-flowing alcohol and indiscriminate tongue-kissing.
Michaels has settled comfortably into his post-glam glory days and his getups -- from a cowhide duster to flame-encrusted pajamas to the ubiquitous bandana and cowboy hat -- evoke a glam-metal Liberace. His spray-on tan and bleached-out tresses rival those sported by the women. To his credit, Michaels seems to stay mostly sober -- working out as the contestants drink themselves into stuporous spats and plot ways to get each other kicked out of the house. And, not one to do things by halves, Michaels (who I hope has access to industrial-strength Listerine) has already tongue kissed at least 10 of the contestants, and we're only in week two of the competition.
As expected, the chicks (the original complement of 25 women has been pared down to a manageable 12) seem to be mainly cut from stripper cloth. They are Barbie-women with names like "Tawny," "Tiffany," "Dallas" and "Rodeo." They came equipped with barely street legal outfits and ready to bring their A-game early in the competition. On the first night, one contestant dons a bikini to set herself apart while another attempts a lap dance. In week two, alliances are formed and high-school level schemes hatched. Upcoming episodes promise more drama interspersed with mud-football and some ill-advised tattoos. It's all just deliciously awful.
See for yourself:
By the way, Michaels will be online tomorrow at noon ET to answer your questions about "Rock of Love," Poison and what ever else you might want to know from the guy.
On Friday, I asked you to craft headlines so fantastically unbelievable, they'd never be seen in Celebritology. You came through with some fabulous contributions. Kudos to everyone who managed to work in a "Danza Slap" reference. These, though, were our favorites:
Michael Vick Introduces Line of Dog Houses Exclusively for PetSmart
O'Donnell, Hasselbeck Marry in Private Ceremony
Sequel Deemed 'Unnecessary' by Hollywood Studio
VH1 Debuts Reality Dating Show with A-List Star in Prime of His Career
George Clooney to Wed Pregnant Girlfriend
Actress Seen in Public Does Not Appear Pregnant
Oscar Winner Tara Reid to play Susan B. Anthony
Mills to McCartney: 'Just Keep Your F***ing Money!'
Like them? Read all of the submissions here.
(* Taking Care of Business)
| July 23, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
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