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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 08/14/2007

For Britney, Five Truths Worth Knowing

By Liz Kelly

As mentioned in this morning's Mix, official Celebritology train wreck Britney Spears was recently snapped exiting a Hallmark store carrying the inspirational book "50 Truths Worth Knowing." Described on the Hallmark Web site as a "collection of fifty true-life experiences, this uplifting and unforgettable book offers convincing proof that the most important truths are often revealed in simple and surprising ways."

Of course, Simple Brit should know this by now. She's had some important truths revealed to her in surprising ways over the past couple of years:

Surprise! Don't drive with a kid on your lap.
Surprise! Don't marry a back-up dancer.
Surprise! Don't shave your head.

I could go on.

In the spirit of supporting Brit's new self-help stance, though, I offer an alternative, condensed text below -- one small enough for a laminated wallet card or even a convenient forearm tattoo. And, at FREE, the price is right.

Celebritology's Five Truths Worth Knowing for Teetering Starlets

1. It's never too late to be a good parent.
2. Mental health professionals are for support, not dating.
3. Lose the weave and the ho gear. It does a body good.
4. Personal trainers are your friend. Jack in the Box is not.
5. Don't rely on greeting card store books for life lessons.

By Liz Kelly  | August 14, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Britney Spears, Celebrities  
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Next: Morning Mix: Spears Divorce Docs May Be Unsealed

Comments

6. Redbull and cigarettes are not part of a ballanced breakfast.

Posted by: sjcpeach | August 14, 2007 11:03 AM | Report abuse

Dear Britney,

There is nothing that a card store book will teach you that the internet won't for free. Google might not be a better parent than you, but it isn't worse either.

Yours,
Ken

P.S.
Ignore Liz's "Ho Gear" comment. Your trailer park demographic has never been higher. If we had to choose between spending our welfare checks on PowerBall or your latest CD... err, well, People Magazine has a chance.

Posted by: Ken | August 14, 2007 11:04 AM | Report abuse

here's a truth worth knowing, especially when you're young and wealthy, 'stuff doesn't make you happy.'

Posted by: methinks | August 14, 2007 11:37 AM | Report abuse

Real friends don't have to go on your payroll.

Posted by: RiverCityRoller | August 14, 2007 11:54 AM | Report abuse

8. You are not completely lost; the fact that any of us are willing to offer advice (however snarky) means there is still hope left for you.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 14, 2007 11:56 AM | Report abuse

Should this be filed as a "Clip-n-Save"? I feel like Brit could use to print this out, laminate it and post it on her forehead.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 14, 2007 11:56 AM | Report abuse

Hey Liz -

Is Gene chatting today? On the "Chatological Humor" page, there doesn't seem to be a chat link for this week... am I looking in the wrong place?

Posted by: Alyeska | August 14, 2007 11:58 AM | Report abuse

Nevermind, I found it through the WP homepage... I have the CH page in my "favorites" so I can usually link straight there, but I guess that page hasn't been updated in a while since it doesn't show last week's updates either....

OK, gotta go do my happy dance that the polls are back before the chat gets started!

Posted by: Alyeska | August 14, 2007 12:01 PM | Report abuse

9) You can't always comeback. Just ask Michael Jackson.

Posted by: Lisa1 | August 14, 2007 12:13 PM | Report abuse

10) Pompous is back from exile and ready to comfort you.

Posted by: Pompous Magnus | August 14, 2007 12:16 PM | Report abuse

"Pregnancy cleavage can be a beautiful development, but serving up one's bosom like melons at a picnic is aggressively self-indulgent, enormously distracting and, unless you're auditioning for a spread in Penthouse, unnecessarily vulgar."

Posted by: Anonymous | August 14, 2007 12:17 PM | Report abuse

with a little effort, leaving the trailer park can actually mean that the trailer park has left you. but it takes more than a pocket pooch and an entourage.

Posted by: b | August 14, 2007 12:27 PM | Report abuse

If you left the trailer park, what would you do? In the same way that Stephen King shouldn't write romance novels or Karl Rove shouldn't work for Habitat for Humanity, you shouldn't stray too far from what you know.

If "what you know" consists of singing along with an Auto-Pitch machine, dressing in low-cut gingham blouses and no skivvies, and letting it all hang out... well, that's just being you.

Have you met Lindsey yet? She's trying to tank her career too.

Posted by: b++ | August 14, 2007 12:37 PM | Report abuse

Who ever would have thought that Britney's actions could make us think well of K-Fed?

Posted by: Fairfax | August 14, 2007 1:32 PM | Report abuse

Actual trailer park denizens would not use the word "demographic" correctly. They think it's a reference to a comic book about demolition derby night at the Dale Earnhardt Raceway.

Posted by: Ken, you're an imposter | August 14, 2007 1:52 PM | Report abuse

#13: "Your fifteen minutes are very nearly up."

Posted by: byoolin | August 14, 2007 1:53 PM | Report abuse

Um...Let's C...

Kids need a routine and an appropriate bedtime.

Just trade that tangled web of weave on top of your head for the full-on rasta, dredlock look.

Money means never having to go without a professional stylist (who would tell you not to go for the Uggs and Daisy Dukes look EVER AGAIN.)

Cheetoos, while excellent for finger-painting, are not an acceptable supper.

Posted by: Meeeeee | August 14, 2007 1:54 PM | Report abuse

as a corollary to "stuff doesn't make you happy" (so true): children are not stuff. You do not just pop them out and have instant dolls.
As a corollary to children are not stuff: do not breed until you can live by yourself, pay your bills by yourself, drive a car by yourself, be an adult by yourself. Then, find a mate who can do those things, too. Then you may breed.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 14, 2007 1:55 PM | Report abuse

as a corollary to "stuff doesn't make you happy" (so true): children are not stuff. You do not just pop them out and have instant dolls.

Same goes for pets!!!

Posted by: WDC | August 14, 2007 1:57 PM | Report abuse

yes, pets, too! And I should have added "even then, you might not want to bring children into your world. They are not a requirement" Same goes for pets.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 14, 2007 1:58 PM | Report abuse

No - Brit - they do not have a time machine that they're keeping from you.

The John Leguizamo look from Spawn is NOT a good look for a pop princess. Remember: Cheetos are not a foodgroup.

Corollary: The Skeletor look from Masters of the Univers is ALSO not a good look for a pop princess. Remember: TicTacs are not a foodgroup.

Not everyone makes a successful comeback. If they want you to open for Foghat at the Bronco Bowl - I suggest you pass.

People who are your friends because you buy them things and pay them are not your friends. They are employees. Dont forget to file and send them 1099s - they'll thank you for it.

If you cant handle it - get out for a while. There's a great cappuccino bar in the mcleod ganj section of dharmashala... park your butt there and watch the world go by for a couple months. Dont forget to bring the kids but avoid the entourage (it's called responsibility - and you dont really fulfill it by getting drunk in a pool with your dancers).

Posted by: Quintilus Varus | August 14, 2007 2:11 PM | Report abuse

11) Street cred bestowed upon you by pimps, leeches, junkies, back-up dancers, club hos, bulimic princesses, manager wannabes, rehab regulars, and assorted media wankers ain't worth a bucket of warm spit.

Work hard, be humble and unassuming, and spend your money anonymously to improve the lives of people who have never heard of you. Real cred will follow.

Posted by: MisterBear | August 14, 2007 2:13 PM | Report abuse

Liz, I was with you until the "don't marry a backup dancer" line. I wouldn't say that ALL backup dancers are unmarryable, though if you'd changed it to "don't marry YOUR backup dancer" that may have worked for me.

And can the trailer-park comments, people; surely most trailer denizens have more sense than a 25-year-old mess with millions of dollars yet no chauffeur, no stylist, and not an ounce of common sense.

Let's hope little sister Jamie Lynn turns our better than her big sister did (I'm ignoring the recent pregnancy-scare rumor).

Posted by: Poor Popozao | August 14, 2007 2:15 PM | Report abuse

for some reason, these smart aleck comments don't sit so well with me today. i think it's so sad to see these oh-so-young (in mind/attitude)adults crash and burn. her parents are as much to blame as she is for not teaching her better. a truth worth learning would be that if you don't deal with your issues now, you're destined to pass them on to your children which would be another generation lost.

Posted by: momof3boys | August 14, 2007 2:29 PM | Report abuse

Re: the back-up dancer comment, I have to agree with Liz on this one. Didn't work so well for JLo either.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 14, 2007 2:44 PM | Report abuse

"Don't rely on greeting card store books for life lessons."

Hey, I'm not one to defend Britney, ever, but at least she's reading something.

Now if we could only get her to read up on getting her tubes tied! ;-)

Posted by: aNoN | August 14, 2007 3:09 PM | Report abuse

Brit, here's my advice. Feel free to ignore it, although it is well-meant:

Being a celebrity is fun, but remember that isn't real. The whole celebrity industry, the one that feeds off of shining a spotlight on every problem you have, is a just fodder for people who hide their petty schadenfreude behind the pretense of ironic cultural slumming. You're under no obligation to keep playing that game if it isn't working for you or your family. If the vultures get to be too much, find some place where people say "Britney who?" and be a normal person for a while.

Posted by: Karmadrome | August 14, 2007 3:33 PM | Report abuse

Brit, here's my advice. Feel free to ignore it, although it is well-meant:

Being a celebrity is fun, but remember that isn't real. The whole celebrity industry, the one that feeds off of shining a spotlight on every problem you have, is a just fodder for people who hide their petty schadenfreude behind the pretense of ironic cultural slumming. You're under no obligation to keep playing that game if it isn't working for you or your family. If the vultures get to be too much, find some place where people say "Britney who?" and be a normal person for a while.

Posted by: Karmadrome | August 14, 2007 3:33 PM | Report abuse

Britney, hate to tell you this, but you're in great danger of losing your kids. Better get a grip. K-Fed (rhymes with stay in bed) is gathering evidence against you to use in court. Then you'll be a millionaire wash-up at 25 who lost her kids. Is this what you want?

Posted by: Marilyn Delson | August 14, 2007 3:37 PM | Report abuse

Get a good therapist. Now. And stick with it 'til you're healthy.

Posted by: Advice for Brit | August 14, 2007 4:16 PM | Report abuse

13.
Remember to wipe from front to back, number your new panties from 1-7 so when you're drunk and strung out you put on a fresh pair. And if you want to date Terrence Howard you'd better smell like a baby wipe.

Posted by: POS | August 14, 2007 4:41 PM | Report abuse

LOL, POS!!!!

Posted by: Anonymous | August 14, 2007 5:39 PM | Report abuse

The woman has been the center of attention since she was a child. She's been a TV 'star', pop music 'star', movie 'star', live performance 'star', commercial advertising 'star'. She is, in fact, her own little mobile galaxy of 'stardom'. I doubt that the hangers-on who steal from her know how much money she's made. Put yourself in her place. Would you behave any 'better'? Would your 'values' be any 'better'? She's never lived in the 'real world' so why should she act like it? She is NOT in the real world, she's in The Britney Bubble and will no doubt stay there as long as possible. And, frankly my dear, who gives a damn.

Posted by: cody mccall | August 14, 2007 7:25 PM | Report abuse

> Personal trainers are your friend. Jack in the Box is not.

Hi Liz Kelly--From the jowls on your glamour shot it looks like you could stand to lose the Jack in the Box a lot more than any of these petite little starlets.

How does it feel to be ridiculed and picked apart physically based on a photo (and, oh, imagine what we could do if the paparazzi were following you constantly and we caught a glimpse of your upper thighs)? Bad? Who exactly are you to dish out the condescending advice?

6. Don't pay attention to snarky gossip columnists who could have done something to contribute to the betterment and general intellectual elevation of the human race but sadly sold out and chose to to sling slime and slop for a living.

How is any of this crap newsworthy? I could go on...

Posted by: Anonymous | August 14, 2007 7:43 PM | Report abuse

wow, who knew Britney read this and posted comments? I cannot imagine who else would be that bitter and rude to Liz.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 15, 2007 9:11 AM | Report abuse

The anonymous poster is too coherent and literate to be Britney.

What Anonymous failed to acknowledge is that people looked towards Britney as a role model. Britney traded on her looks and her "voice." While we appreciate Liz Kelly's wit and humor, I doubt any of us are picking up Maxim expecting to find Liz inside.

Britney gets followed by paparazzi because she wants to be. She made her money off the public eye, and she continues to make a spectacle out of herself (even if she isn't "singing.") If she really wanted, she could drop out of the public eye and try to reform herself. She doesn't want to.

Posted by: Disposable Pet | August 15, 2007 11:14 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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