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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 11/13/2007

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You: Jessica Simpson's 'Major' Stinker

By Liz Kelly

In the just-released trailer for the upcoming Jessica Simpson idiot-vehicle movie "Major Movie Star," co-star Vivica Fox delivers this prophetic line: "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."

Prophetic because as I watched the trailer, well, let's just say I identified. Let's see if you can go the whole two minutes and 20 seconds without even a burp:

For those not able to watch the trailer at work, the movie features Simpson as a bankrupt starlet who joins the Army (cue in-your-face product placement) in a desperate attempt to change her life. Tagline: "The Few. The Proud. The Blonde." Yeesh.

Beyond the fact that "Major Movie Star" advertises itself as yet another Jessica Simpson-fronted stinker ("Employee of the Month," "Dukes of Hazzard." When will they learn?), I can't help being annoyed by the deeper incongruity here: While "Major Movie Star" is hardly the first military-centric screwball comedy, predecessors like "Private Benjamin" and the superior "Stripes" were released in times of relative peace ("Benjamin" in 1980 and "Stripes" in 1981).

Enter Jessica Simpson -- true to type as a dimwitted blonde -- apparently completely missing the unfortunate fact that while she's screwballing it up at Camp T&A, there are real troops -- who don't have much in common with blond starlets in fatigues and full make-up -- in peril in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Without seeing the entire movie, I'm only guessing here -- but I hardly think Simpson's busty recruit ends up ducking sniper fire in Karbala or working to reconstruct her life following an ill-timed IED explosion.

That's right. There's nothing a nation locked in a long-term, divisive war needs like a third-rate "Private Benjamin" rip-off starring a washed-up pop star supported by a bargain basement cast (Steve Guttenberg). I'm sure Simpson's perky bimbette in basic training will be a big hit with the Walter Reed crowd. Perhaps a good in-uniform laughfest that completely glosses over the fact that we're at war will bring us together as a nation. Way to go, Jess. And you, too, Millennium Films.

Luckily, there is no way this movie will be anything but an unfortunate blip in Simpson's swiftly declining career. Say, maybe she should join the... nah.

By Liz Kelly  | November 13, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities  
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Comments

This is going straight to video right? This horrible piece of crap can not be released in actual theaters. No wonder I don't go to movies anymore.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2007 11:26 AM | Report abuse

Does Hollywood have NO new ideas? This is nothing more than Private Benjamin, the remix.

Posted by: Bridget | November 13, 2007 11:28 AM | Report abuse

"Jessica Simpson's Major Stinker" would be a good name for a porn film starring a lookalike.

I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: byoolin | November 13, 2007 11:30 AM | Report abuse

I'm in Afghanistan right now, and this doesn't offend me, at least not as a soldier. It offends me as a movie fan, but that goes without saying. =]

I definitely appreciate Liz's view (thanks for thinking of us!), but if we got offended over stuff like this, I wouldn't have any outrage left for the things that actually deserved it. Sounds like poor Jessica Simpson is being pimped by somebody in these terible movies - she needs to find something else to do.

Posted by: John M. | November 13, 2007 11:35 AM | Report abuse

This trailer is insulting to anyone with a measurable IQ

Posted by: Lisa1 | November 13, 2007 11:56 AM | Report abuse

For your information, Jessica Simpson has entertained U.S. troops in Iraq as part of USO tours. Liz, please don't parrot the faux patriotic outrage of the likes of Limbaugh and Hannity. Even the troops need a little mindless diversion.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2007 11:59 AM | Report abuse

You know the penultimate scene will be the one where the new-comer helps all the gruff military men & women learn to appreciate frilly bedspreads & hair product . . . . and then the mean old sergeant will come in all "What's going on here?!?" and Jessica will come forth & say something about individuality & how looking your best can help you feel your best. {tears} Etc. The script just writes itself! Ugh!

Posted by: Different Liz | November 13, 2007 12:02 PM | Report abuse

Jessica Simpson should stick with her "tabloid" career and stop trying to join the mainstream. We don't need another secord-rate Goldie Hawn; we already have Kate Hudson.

Posted by: sweet pea | November 13, 2007 12:10 PM | Report abuse

Where do you get of knocking Steve Guttenberg? He is in The Sacred Order of the Stonecutters!!!!!
(They hold back the electric car
and make Steve Guttenberg a star!!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonecutters

Posted by: Your Husband | November 13, 2007 12:12 PM | Report abuse

Steve Guttenberg is not bargain basement. He's Mahoney for crying out loud.

Posted by: michael | November 13, 2007 12:30 PM | Report abuse

Steven Guttenberg's movies are sold at 99 cents store with along with recalled dog food.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2007 12:46 PM | Report abuse

Kind of makes me less sympathetic to the striking writers. At least the ones that wrote this.

Posted by: hk | November 13, 2007 12:51 PM | Report abuse

Can I just say that it makes me cringe everytime I hear someone say "I think I just threw up in my mouth." Where did this extremely gross expresssion start? I've only heard it in past few years. When someone says it, I feel like responding with "Well then, please don't direct your vomit breath my way." Not cutsie or hip, just foul.

Posted by: vjl | November 13, 2007 12:51 PM | Report abuse

To the anonymous poster above... I'm not sure I struck the right tone in my piece. I wasn't going so much for "faux patriotic outrage" so much as exasperation at the fact that Simpson and the studio are selling an image of joining the Army as a fun, safe place to be -- a place without consequences like risk of bodily harm or the possibility of being legally required to participate in something to which one may be morally opposed.

Thanks for helping me think this through!

Posted by: Liz | November 13, 2007 1:04 PM | Report abuse

Why am I the only person that doesn't hate J. Simpson? Maybe this will be like the day I came out about hating S. Silverman. There have to be others out there that don't hate J. Simpson, right?

Posted by: not bluto | November 13, 2007 1:20 PM | Report abuse

well put, Liz.

Posted by: b | November 13, 2007 1:22 PM | Report abuse

sorry, not bluto, i can't join you in your non-hate for j. simpson. i don't hate her, but i think she's such a fraud...as an actress, a recording artist, whatever it is she's famous for. face it, she's a blonde w/a nice rack and long legs. otherwise, there is nothing there...no brains, no talent. is she harmless? maybe, or maybe she helps perpetuate stereotypes (with a little help from her friends and her dad.) she's exasperating.
and i think liz's point about making a nonsensical movie about joining the army at a time when we're at war is both stupid and insensitive.

Posted by: methinks | November 13, 2007 1:30 PM | Report abuse

"There have to be others out there that don't hate J. Simpson, right?"

Sorry, n.b. I think you're an Army of One this time around.

Posted by: niceFLguy | November 13, 2007 1:33 PM | Report abuse

Liz, I agree with your comments about not making light of the Armed Forces during a time of war. However most sentient beings (even civilians) understand that it's not a fun or frolicking place to be. Nobody on the outside can imagine it and our best, most serious-minded movies about war can only grasp at it. The point of this movie is to have a bit of escapism and light-hearted (and light-minded) comedy, which is ESPECIALLY important in times of war. Jessica Simpson is following in the proud, campy tradition of jingoistic cinematic silliness that's been around since the first World Wars. With modern warfare becoming evermore difficult, complex and heart-breaking having a celebrity offer themselves up for parody in the name of entertaining troops is a welcome respite. Fewer of even the most minor celebrities seem able or willing to do so. Let's suspend the cynicism for once.

By the way, for those looking to support our troops here's the Department of Defense website "America Supports You". Check it out!

America Supports You:
http://www.americasupportsyou.mil/americasupportsyou/

Posted by: Air Force | November 13, 2007 1:34 PM | Report abuse

Thank you, methinks, well put.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2007 1:36 PM | Report abuse

"and i think liz's point about making a nonsensical movie about joining the army at a time when we're at war is both stupid and insensitive."

the above was not what I was intending to say. I meant to say,
"I AGREE with liz's point: that making a nonsensical movie about joining the army
when we're at war is both stupid and insensitive."

Posted by: methinks | November 13, 2007 1:38 PM | Report abuse

methinks -
You really think "Liz's point... is stupid and insensitive"??

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you. I think Liz's point was spot-on. I like humor as much as the next person, but not at the expense of young men and women who are putting themselves in harm's way on a daily basis. That's just crass.

Posted by: niceFLguy | November 13, 2007 1:39 PM | Report abuse

So frothy comedies staring bimbo eye candy are heinous, but major movie star fronted screeds about what a sh*tba* the U.S. is (Rendition, In the Valley of Elah, Lions for Lambs) are hunky dory? Glad to see you have your priorities and your political philosophy in line.

Posted by: colorado kool aid | November 13, 2007 1:40 PM | Report abuse

Thanx for clarifying, methinks. I'm glad you hadn't gone off the deep end. :-)

Posted by: niceFLguy | November 13, 2007 1:43 PM | Report abuse

Huh? You're the first one to mention Rendition et al., dude. Rendition and Lions for Lambs are supposed to both be pretty crappy movies, from what I've heard, and that's a nonpolitical statement.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2007 1:49 PM | Report abuse

'Glad to see you have your priorities and your political philosophy in line.'

Well, at least your handle tells us what you've been drinking...

Posted by: jes | November 13, 2007 1:50 PM | Report abuse

I'll bet the Army was begging for this - it's like subliminal advertising. "Join the Army, great way to meet hot chicks!" The script has probably been floating from studio to studio for a couple of years, while half a dozen real actresses turned it down (maybe out of sensitivity to the realities of wartime, but more likely because they enjoy their careers and want them to continue).

Posted by: Becky | November 13, 2007 1:56 PM | Report abuse

Ditto what methinks wrote.

I don't hate Jessica but I've got to say her stock has taken one heck of a hit. She even manages to irritate me in that Macy's commercial.

Oh and the "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little." Comes from Dodge Ball, I think it's a direct quote actually. Ben Stiller might have grounds to sue for plagarism.

Posted by: petal | November 13, 2007 1:59 PM | Report abuse

ahhh... see liz, you're missing the target audience for this one. The Cooter-Crowd (i mean that in a Dukes of Hazzard way... if you're thinking anything else, well, i'm not responsible for your dirty mind) will eat this up - because this is exactly as complicated a film premise as they're capable of understanding. The war has to be something that boils down to subject-verb in 6 seconds or less... or their eyes glaze over. Maybe its epigenetic damage caused by pesticides - i dont know - but if you're writing to the audience then this is flat out great stuff. As a great american once put it 'but their money is green...'

Posted by: Quintilus Varus | November 13, 2007 2:11 PM | Report abuse

"Jessica Simpson's Major Stinker" doesn't sound like porn, it sounds like she let out a big stinky fart or poo!

Posted by: Fart | November 13, 2007 2:17 PM | Report abuse

Relax Liz - it is a movie (albeit a horrible looking one) not a political statement.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2007 2:21 PM | Report abuse

Contrary to what you may have heard, I am NOT Jessica Simpson's Major Stinker.

Ms Simple... errr... Simpson should stick to acting jobs she can handle, like 20-second Doritos commercials.

Posted by: Mister Methane | November 13, 2007 2:28 PM | Report abuse

I too hate the unfunny "I just threw up in my mouth" line. At first it was just gross; now it's gross and trite.

Posted by: Anonimis | November 13, 2007 2:36 PM | Report abuse

More gross: "You just threw up in my mouth."

Posted by: byoolin | November 13, 2007 2:51 PM | Report abuse

Oh how I long for the good old days when a hot blonde with a nice rack & great legs would just go right to Playboy & end up as one of Hef's girlfriends.

**sigh** good times, good times...... **sigh**

Posted by: Bored @ home | November 13, 2007 3:08 PM | Report abuse

byoolin has a point there. that *is* more gross.
but i second the emotion of those who dislike that "threw up in my mouth" catch-phrase. it was funny twice. after that, not so much.

Posted by: methinks | November 13, 2007 3:14 PM | Report abuse

John M and Air Force - A little off-topic, a little late, but happy belated Veteran's Day.
I want to think everyone's outrage here is on your behalf. We don't want our brave soldiers/sailors/marines spoofed when so many are in harm's way. It's because we support you.

Posted by: jlr | November 13, 2007 3:54 PM | Report abuse

Before you spill your disgust with Jessica just think what this movie would be like with Paris Hilton. I am already throwing up in my (mouth) paper basket.

Take the lesser of the two evils and relax...

Posted by: Stop Hating | November 13, 2007 4:51 PM | Report abuse

Liz, is there anything the poor public can do to share their views on the writers' strike with the studio big wigs or are we just poor pawns in this?
(sorry this isn't ms. simpson related, but i want to preserve the few brain cells i have.)

Posted by: mjm | November 13, 2007 5:04 PM | Report abuse

Dear Stop Hating and others who enjoy lecturing the people who post on this blog,
We write what we write because here on the celebritology blog we kvetch, complain, b**ch, and the like about celebrities. If it weren't Jessica Simpson, it would be someone else. Like Paris Hilton, etc. (Who, by the way, I would hardly call the 'lesser of two evils.)
That is the point. Not 'hating' per se, complaining, opining, or just pining. That is what we do. If you don't want to read it, please go elsewhere.
gracias

Posted by: vaya con Dios my darlin' | November 13, 2007 5:09 PM | Report abuse

Ha! Good point, "Stop Hating" - we kinda dodged a bullet there. Although the movie might be even MORE hideously awesome with Paris Hilton.

Posted by: h3 | November 13, 2007 5:16 PM | Report abuse

Oooh, speaking of stinkers, do I smell a "grosser than gross" contest sprouting forth here in the comments section?

Posted by: M Street | November 13, 2007 5:28 PM | Report abuse

John M. said that it sounds like someone is pimping poor Jess to do these movies.

haha ... someone IS pimping her, and it's her DAD! talk about gross. I could throw up in my mouth all day listening to that sketchy, bleach-blond, pierced-ear "minister" talk about his own daughter's "puppies." ew.

Posted by: OD | November 13, 2007 5:45 PM | Report abuse

Fart,

Why can't "Jessica Simpson's Major Stinker" be a porno AND about her letting out a big stinky fart or poo?! I mean, people like some strange things.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2007 5:46 PM | Report abuse

I, too, long for the good old days when a hot blonde with a nice rack & great legs would just go right to Playboy & end up as one of Hef's girlfriends AND come visit us troops. I guess I joined the Army too late, when political correctness and the Air Force's Team Jesus had driven out the true light-hearted escapism the troops really deserve, which is ESPECIALLY important in during extended deployments - war or not.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2007 5:58 PM | Report abuse

You would think that the commenters' true outrage would be directed at the fact that Ms. Simpson joins the Army, and the movie's tagline incorporates the Marines' slogan. It's The Few. The Proud. The Marines. Come on people, and so close to the Marines' birthday!!! Disgraceful!

And seriously, how hard is it for Jessica Simpson to play a spoiled, failed celebrat?

Posted by: Semper Fi | November 13, 2007 6:04 PM | Report abuse

I actually did just throw up a little in my mouth. But it wasn't in reaction to anything. Just a little vomit came up when I burped.

Well, it might be a reaction to the fact that I've been stuffing my face with leftover pizza all afternoon, but who's keeping track?

Posted by: Gross, I know, but | November 13, 2007 6:09 PM | Report abuse

Okay, this is officially the grossest Celebritology comment thread yet. I love it.

Posted by: Liz | November 13, 2007 6:16 PM | Report abuse

It's the role she was born to play.

Posted by: DFC | November 13, 2007 6:44 PM | Report abuse

Liz, this has been all over the celebrity gossip sites today--but your deconstruction of this trailer and everything that's just plain wrong about it is the most literate, spot-on commentary I've seen today. The fact that someone like Jessica Simpson actually gets roles and product endorsements is offensive in and of itself. But her poor taste and judgment in making a film like this with the idea to have it released in the near future--when we're in the middle of a war that so many do NOT want--is the ultimate offense. I wish she'd take her shoes and her hair extensions and her over-rated figure and whatever is left of her brains and go back to Texas, stat.

Posted by: Lil Missy | November 13, 2007 7:13 PM | Report abuse

Pull out the butter - she's toast!

Posted by: Mrs. Butterworth | November 13, 2007 8:14 PM | Report abuse

A soldier in combat doesn't need you to defend him, Liz. Here is a news flash for everyone that constantly feels the need to have righteous indignation every time someone "insults" our "brave men and women" serving in harm's way - a soldier serving in a combat zone couldn't care less about any of these supposed slights, insults, etc. If he likes Jessica Simpson, he'll want to see the movie, if he doesn't, he won't. He won't be offended because yet another stupid army movie was made, whether it was "during a time of war" or not. When I joined the military, we were all considered losers, druggies or idiots, ala Stripes. That was a misconception, but it is also a misconception that everyone that puts on the uniform and serves in a combat zone is either a super patriot or infallible. People are people, wherever you are - the military is not different. It is made up of good people, bad people, smart people and some really stupid people. Not everyone is brave, but most are willing to do their duty. They don't need this ridiculous level of political correctness to protect them. Any Soldier or Marine I served with (I was in the Army as an enlisted paratrooper and then served in the Marine Corps as an officer) would find it amusing to have a bunch of "dirtbag civilians" defending their honor...no offense intended.

Posted by: Combat Vet | November 13, 2007 11:04 PM | Report abuse

combat vet, ever seen the movie stripes?...well, lighten up francis.

Posted by: Anonymous | November 14, 2007 9:38 AM | Report abuse

To Combat Vet: Right on Brother!

Posted by: AnotherVet | November 14, 2007 9:54 AM | Report abuse

I've never before heard the line about throwing up. Now I've been bombarded by it. Thanks, all, for making me queasy today.

Posted by: Eeeuuuwww | November 14, 2007 12:25 PM | Report abuse

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