K-Fed: Dad of the Year in Five Easy Steps
Or: How to Succeed at Parenting Without Really Trying
Listen up, Alec Baldwin. You may be an Oscar and Emmy-nominated successful working actor with a hit NBC show, but you ain't no K-Fed.
As dutifully reported in yesterday's Morning Mix, one Kevin Federline was cited (along with Anna Nicole Smith baby daddy Larry Birkhead) as Dad of the Year in Details magazine's list of 2007 Power Players. How did a 29-year-old with a resume shorter than HervÃ© Villechaize top Ryan Seacrest and Harry Potter as an "influential" simply due to his parenting skills?
First, listen to K-Fed's thoughts on parenting:
Then, in five easy steps, we break down the K-Fed Path to Parental Domination:
1. K-Fed's Johnny Appleseed-esque parenting strategy was hatched before his Spears spawn, Sean Preston and Jayden James, were even a glimmer in his "Chaotic" eye. By fathering four children (two with ex Shar Jackson) K-Fed shrewdly went for quantity, not quality. Like playing more than one Bingo card, this strategy allows for multiple chances to outperform the other parent.
2. When Spears left K-Fed last fall, his floundering foray into the rap game and reports of his desperate financial situation provided plenty of ammo for some sound skewering. But, long-gamer that he is, K-Fed knew that derision is only a PR spin away from pity and that seediness can be easily repolished into seemly simplicity.
3. Although lyrics like "As I march through the valley of the shadow of death/Dark hair on my chest/Wife on my left" lead one to believe that Federline is an utter nincompoop, he has matured into a master of subtlety over the past 12 months; his silence in the face of Britney's continued meltdowns has spoken volumes.
4. While Spears has continually crippled her chances for winning a custody battle, Kev has lawyered up well, largely reined in his clubbing and given Spears (and her partying, red-light-running ways) no quarter. Not having a job is an asset here, allowing unimpeded concentration on the case.
5. PopoZao to Papa Wow! Though a professional wrestling bout and guest spots on "One Tree Hill" and "CSI" do not a career make, K-Fed's reinvention of himself as Mr. Mom may well brighten his future prospects. Could Federline be a Gen Y Dr. Spock? Solid!
To boil this down to a laminate-able pocket-sized credo: Make sure your baby mamma is bat-guano crazy, sit back and watch the praise roll in.
Celebritology field agent Frank Thomason contributed to this piece.
| November 29, 2007; 10:42 AM ET
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