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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 02/26/2008

Tuesday List: Joking With the Stars

By Liz Kelly

Today's task is simple. Simple-minded, even. Using the current celeb news landscape as inspiration, we'll craft a comedy routine on par with Jon Stewart's Oscar monologue -- or at least the next amateur night at the local comedy club. So sharpen your funny bone and make with the ha-ha.

And, please, keep it clean. "The Aristocrats," this ain't.


Swinton, left, and Combs. Let the hilarity ensue. (AP)

The Inspiration: P. Diddy's debut as a leading man in the made-for-TV adaptation of "Raisin in the Sun" and Tilda Swinton's anti-glamour Oscar night look.

The Set Up: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs and Tilda Swinton walk into a bar...

---

The Inspiration: Lindsay Lohan poses in her altogether in an attempt to recreate an iconic Marilyn Monroe photo shoot.

The Set Up: Knock knock. Who's there?

---

The Inspiration: Gary Busey's red carpet-owning moment, in which the one-time Oscar nominee busted in on the sedate trio of Ryan Seacrest, Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner and Gary Coleman, who recently announced he's still a virgin at almost 40 years old.

The Set Up: Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

---

The Inspiration: While Whoopi Goldberg is miffed that she was left out of an Oscar hosts montage, Christina Aguilera is reportedly steamed that the first baby pix of son Max didn't cause a run on People magazine.

The Set Up: Doctor, says Whoopi Goldberg...

Alrighty, I'm sitting here waiting to laugh. Don't let me down.

By Liz Kelly  | February 26, 2008; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Friday Lists  
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Next: Morning Mix: Pam Anderson Seeks Annulment

Comments

Uh, LizKelly, I read Celebritology as a break from work, I don't come here to...work.

Doctor, says Whoopi Goldberg, does Christina Aguilera's ego make me look fat?

Ok, I've lowered the bar, it should be fairly easy for the rest of you.

Posted by: Anonymous | February 26, 2008 11:16 AM | Report abuse

Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Lindsay Lohan's Dignity
Lindsay Lohan's Dignity WHO????
Exactly

Posted by: sjcpeach | February 26, 2008 11:21 AM | Report abuse

that picture looks like tilda is coming to suck the life blood out of puffy ... and the look on his face pretty much says it all: my career as a rapper is over, i'm not a great actor, i might as well let tilda take me.

(not funny, but it's the best i could do)

Posted by: melissamac1 | February 26, 2008 11:22 AM | Report abuse

Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, the bartender says "hey fella that's a little odd that you have a parrot on your shoulder" Gary says "Well I tried to get Jennifer Garner up there but she wasn't as accomidating"

Posted by: bahston | February 26, 2008 11:24 AM | Report abuse

Gary Busey + Jennifer Garner.

Jen walks into the Doctor's office....
Jen: Doctor, the other night I dreamed I had leeches on my neck, and now I have this terrible rash.
Doctor: Ms. Garner, it's even worse than that. Since we can't capture Gary Busey, you're going to have to get 13 shots in your abdomen.

Posted by: possum | February 26, 2008 11:25 AM | Report abuse

-knock knock
-who's there?
-Lindsey Lohan
-*deadbolt*


FWIW, I finaly say the pictures from las tweek. I don't know if it's a dang good boob job or not. Nothing's exposed enough to tell.

Posted by: EricS | February 26, 2008 11:30 AM | Report abuse

EricS -- you're not looking hard enough.

Posted by: Try Again | February 26, 2008 11:44 AM | Report abuse

Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "we don't serve animals here;" so Gary leaves.

Posted by: Not Funny...But I tried | February 26, 2008 11:58 AM | Report abuse

Puff and Tilda walk into a bar. A crowd gathers. Quips one lush: we knew you were in A Raisin in the Sun. We didn't know the Raisin was literal, and we didn't know she was your date!

(Get it, 'cause Tilda looks like a raisin in that wrinkly black dress? Someone, please, run with the idea and make it funny.)

Posted by: WDC | February 26, 2008 12:12 PM | Report abuse


Lindsay Lohan: Knock knock.
Photographer: Who's there?
Lindsay Lohan: Madame.
Photographer: Madame who?
Lidsay Lohan: Madame career's gone down the crapper! Why do you think I'm posing for these nudie shots?

Posted by: Paris | February 26, 2008 12:17 PM | Report abuse


Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "Get that thing out of here, it might crap on the bar!"

"I know," says the parrot, "but it does a real mean Buddy Holly impression."

Posted by: Key West | February 26, 2008 12:24 PM | Report abuse


Sean "P. Diddy" Combs and Tilda Swinton walk into a bar.

The bartender says "P-Did, I got no beef with you, but your friend Casper, here, has got to go. The reflection off her freakishly alabaster skin is blinding all the regulars."

Tilda then sucks his blood, claims his mortal soul and retreats to her subterranean lair to await daybreak.

Posted by: Wendy | February 26, 2008 12:37 PM | Report abuse

Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder ... the parrot asks, "Say, you don't serve liquor to jacka$$es in here do you?" "Of course not," replies the bartender. "Good," says the parrot. "This one I'm with has already had enough."

Posted by: Dee | February 26, 2008 12:39 PM | Report abuse

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Lindsay Lohan."
"I'm sorry, Ms. Lohan, but your doctor gave me orders to keep you in isolation until you put your clothes back on and stop pretending you're Marilyn Monroe."

Posted by: MisterBear | February 26, 2008 12:44 PM | Report abuse


"Doctor," says Whoopi Goldberg, " I keep having these grandiose delusions that people care about what I say or do and want to watch old clips of me hosting the Oscars."

"You hosted the Oscars?" the doctor asks incredulously.

"Yeah, four times!" replies Whoopi.

"Oh, well," says the doctor, "it could be a lot worse. You could be Christina Aguilera's baby, they can't give his picture away!"

Posted by: Ted | February 26, 2008 12:50 PM | Report abuse

Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks "hey, what's with the parrot?" Gary says "it's part of my therapy. It'll bite me in the neck if I try to touch Jennifer Garner again." The bartender says "eh, I'd be more worried about her husband punching you than that parrot." Busey says "Ben Affleck? He's too busy f&#king Jimmy Kimmel"

Posted by: Office Girl | February 26, 2008 12:59 PM | Report abuse

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

The grim reaper.

(the end)

Sidebar: I think the fact that LaLohan recreated those pics is disgusting and pretentious. I threw up a little when I saw the previews of them (I don't ever want to see the actual pics). Marilyn she ain't, except for the drugs.

Posted by: Miss Penny Lane | February 26, 2008 1:30 PM | Report abuse

P Diddy, Lindsey Lohan, Tilda Swinton, Christina Aguilera and Whoopi Goldberg walk into a bar, followed by Gary Busey, who has a parrot on his shoulder.

Bartender: What do you think this is? Some kind of joke?

Posted by: i know, it's lame | February 26, 2008 1:36 PM | Report abuse

Office Girl at 12:59 is my favorite.

Next is i know, it's lame at 1:36. Yes, it's lame, but funny/true too!

Posted by: FUNNY | February 26, 2008 1:55 PM | Report abuse

Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, followed by P. Diddy and Tilda Swinton.

The Bartender says: "Knock knock".

Lindsay Lohan looks up from the bar and says "Who's there?".

The Bartender replies "Whoopi Goldberg".

Billy Crystal says "Whoopi Iceburg who?".

Cristina Aguilera cries "No! It's GOLDberg!".

Garey Busey says "Iceburg, Goldberg, Bratman, they're all the same."

Posted by: Right Winger | February 26, 2008 2:18 PM | Report abuse

Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, followed by P. Diddy and Tilda Swinton.

The Bartender says: "Knock knock".

Lindsay Lohan looks up from the bar and says "Who's there?".

The Bartender replies "Whoopi Goldberg".

Billy Crystal says "Whoopi Iceburg who?".

Cristina Aguilera cries "No! It's GOLDberg!".

Garey Busey says "Iceburg, Goldberg, Bratman, they're all the same."

P. Diddy turns and stabs Tilda with the adrenaline stick.

Posted by: Right Winger | February 26, 2008 2:19 PM | Report abuse

Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't have that bird in here. It's against the health code."
Busey opens his mouth to reply and out comes a young woman's raspy voice. "Hey, I'm Lindsay Lohan and I've got the naked pictures to prove it!" The bartender manages to hide his surprise and says, "I don't care who you think you are, you still can't have that bird in here."
At this point the parrot says to the bartender, "You should just be glad she wasn't in here last week, when she thought she was Britney Spears." The bartender replies, "How would that have been any worse?"
The parrot says to the bartender, "I had to play her pregnant little sister."

Posted by: MisterBear | February 26, 2008 2:28 PM | Report abuse

Tilda Swinton and Sean Combs walk into a bar. Sean orders a drink. He stares at Tilda and orders another drink. Once finished, he stares at Tilda again and orders still another drink.

Tilda asks, "Why are you staring intently at me right before you order your next drink?"

Sean says, "When you start looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | February 26, 2008 2:33 PM | Report abuse

Go Ted!

Posted by: erm | February 26, 2008 2:36 PM | Report abuse

That last line made all the difference, rightwinger.

Posted by: LLL | February 26, 2008 2:37 PM | Report abuse

Tilda Swinton and Sean Combs walk into a bar. Just not the same one.

Posted by: Rick | February 26, 2008 4:23 PM | Report abuse

Lilo is getting photographed in the nude.
Knock-knock!
She answers the door. Outside is John Travolta.
"Nice knockers," says Travolta.
"Thanks," says Lilo. "My mom gave them to me for Christmas. By the way, nice hair."
"Thanks," says Travolta. "Kelly gave it to me last time she had a Brazilian."

Posted by: possum | February 26, 2008 4:47 PM | Report abuse

Sean "P. Diddy" Combs and Tilda Swinton walk into a bar. Annie Lebowitz looks up. "Oh good, you're both here. Let's get started. We need to finish this Benetton ad shoot quickly before Gary Busey comes back with the parrot."

Posted by: td | February 26, 2008 4:49 PM | Report abuse

"Doctor," says Whoopi Goldberg, "I had a dream that I had an orange baby and no one cared."

"Whoopi," says the doctor.

Posted by: td | February 26, 2008 4:55 PM | Report abuse

Gary Busey walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "I never thought I'd see you in a gay bar." The parrot replies, "Seacrest. Out."

Posted by: fido | February 26, 2008 5:07 PM | Report abuse

Some one has to come up with a Travolta joke involving "Hairspray" and Margaret Thatcher. Please.

Posted by: possum | February 26, 2008 5:48 PM | Report abuse


Possum, Your wish is my command:

Thatcher: Welcome to Great Britain, Vinnie.

Travolta: It's a pleasure to be here, Maggie.

Thatcher: One thing is troubling to me, Vinnie. I thought your latest film was called "Hairspray," not "Spray-On Hair."

Travolta: Maggie, you're a real SP, but it's wild and woolly!

Posted by: Ronnie | February 26, 2008 6:11 PM | Report abuse

Key West gets my vote. classic joke, with a new twist.

Posted by: WoW | February 26, 2008 6:32 PM | Report abuse

Knock knock!
Who's there?
LiLo.
LiLo who?

Pick one:
1. Real*ly low* self-esteem.
2. Tragical*ly low* odds of this boosting your career.
3. Shameful*ly low* regard for a beloved icon.

Posted by: oregonchick | February 26, 2008 7:32 PM | Report abuse

Sean "P. Diddy" Combs and Tilda Swinton walk into a bar...

He says, "Hey lady with an Oscar wearing a trash bag" If you teach me how to act I'll cast you in Making the Band 24!

Best I could do...

Posted by: dcet | February 27, 2008 9:04 AM | Report abuse

Tilda Swinton and P Diddy walk into a bar. Gary and the parrot ducked.

Posted by: EricS | February 27, 2008 12:42 PM | Report abuse

I'm voting for Key West as my fave, followed closely by Office Girl's Ben Affleck shout-out.

Posted by: Maritza | February 28, 2008 12:42 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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