Mary-Kate Olsen Raided My Memory
I know Celebritology readers aren't big fans of critical takedowns of celebs caught in a bad photo moment and I could never hope to out-Fug the Fug Girls, but when I saw this picture of Mary-Kate Olsen cross the wires, well, I knew it was incumbent upon me to say something. Because this photo contains concrete evidence of the lengths to which Mary-Kate will go to further her diabolical scheme to drive me insane.
Mary-Kate Olsen is a shape shifter, a fashion faux pas of the first order and, now, guilty of ransacking my memory banks to find new and twisted ways in which to accoutre her diminutive frame.
1. Mary-Kate is wearing my grandmother's mink stole, the one that spent several years stashed in an attic crawlspace with other useless, decaying items. How did Mary-Kate get it? She's just that good.
2. Mary-Kate is wearing the exact same dress worn by my brother's girlfriend to their 1977 prom at Fairfax's fine Edison High School. Although that dress was deemed "foxy" by my brother 30 years ago, it could best be repurposed as bread basket liners at a Polynesian-themed restaurant at this point.
3. The massive bracelet encircling Mary-Kate's twig-like wrist may not be the same one my grandmother spent years assembling for me, but it clearly draws its inspiration from mine. Actually, by the time my grandmother deemed me responsible enough to keep the bracelet (when I was 22), it was about 10 sizes too small for my wrist and disappeared, possibly into the same bag containing the mink stole.
4. In 1991 while visiting Houston, I ate at a Benihana steak house. Mary-Kate's actual human-sized companion is wearing a head scarf reminiscent of the toque worn by the man who chopped my veggies that night. Since it is utterly at odds with her retro gown, I can only assume that Mary-Kate forced it on her head.
I am now suspicious of everyone -- especially my mom, who may be secretly funneling Goodwill rejects to MK.
| March 13, 2008; 10:42 AM ET
Categories: Celebrities, Fashion
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