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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 03/26/2008

Wednesday List: A Little Advice?

By Liz Kelly

A little advice for Spencer Pratt (seen here with girlfriend Heidi Montag): no one likes PDAs. (Getty Images)

I don't really get "The Hills," but I know a good idea when I see it. And that, my friends, is how I was able to finally recognize the value in the easy-on-the-eyes waste of space that is Spencer Pratt. See, Radar online has taken his pretty face and superimposed it on the age-old advice column model. He's hardly the first celeb to dabble in the Hax-ian arts. Jane magazine (R.I.P.) blazed that trail years ago by recruiting male celebs to help readers with boy trouble and Garrison Keillor (kind of the anti-Spencer Pratt) penned the fabulously entertaining Mr. Blue column on Salon.com for years.

With Pratt, though, it's not about problems solved so much as a refreshingly dopey party-boy turn of phrase. To sum up his first crack at the advice game: Guys don't like girls who wet the bed, pretend you like her mom and, word-for-word, the seizure-inducing:

I love my haters. I don't hate them back at all. You can turn so many haters around once they meet you. I'm like, "Thanks, I get it, I'm an idiot," and they're like, "Woo! He's an idiot! He's so cool!" I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night.

Indeed, count this hater as flipped. In fact, I'm so flipped I'm contemplating Celebritology's own celeb advice guru. Which is where you come in. Below, please share your candidates for our very own celebrity advice columnist. If you do the brainstorming, I promise to do the cold calling. Surely, we can do better than Spencer Pratt.

Let's go...

----
Why Wednesday? Liz, "Lost" is off the air and you promised the return of the Friday List. Can I ever trust you again?

Hey, it happens. I've got a special treat planned that can only run Friday. Now that I've committed that to print, I'm sure one of two things will happen: 1) The special treat will fall through or, 2) You will all hate the special treat and let me know.

By Liz Kelly  | March 26, 2008; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Friday Lists  
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Comments

Please, please, PLEASE LiLo. She is all, like, reflective and stuff since the rehab and the sorta kinda engagement with the snow boarder guy went bad, and she's got like super experience with family dysfunction and like that, so she'd be like soooo good.

Posted by: LiLo lover | March 26, 2008 10:58 AM | Report abuse

woah woah woah, did you just refer to spencer pratt as "easy on the eyes"?

barf.

it's not like he's hot, but a douche. no, he's an unattractive douche. period.

Posted by: Anonymous | March 26, 2008 10:59 AM | Report abuse

I think you should ask Trista (aka the first bachelorette) to do it. A) she's the only bachelor or bachelorette to turn reality tv love into marriage and a kid. B) She loves publicity (see televised wedding extravaganza and her people spread on how she lost the baby weight) and C) I get the feeling she's bat guano crazy which is always entertaining!

Posted by: bahston | March 26, 2008 11:05 AM | Report abuse

"I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night."

I know no one will understand, but this might just be my new catchphrase. It is utterly hilarious.

Posted by: 23112 | March 26, 2008 11:05 AM | Report abuse

OK - George Clooney would give excellent advice, everyone would read it, and you would get to contact him. A win, win, win!

What's not to love?

Posted by: OB | March 26, 2008 11:07 AM | Report abuse

Sarah Jessica Parker
life imitates art imitates life
(turtles all the way down)

Posted by: Quintilus Varus | March 26, 2008 11:09 AM | Report abuse

Four Words:

"Alec Baldwin: On Parenting"

Posted by: byoolin | March 26, 2008 11:12 AM | Report abuse

"when your mother tells you to take your sister to the mall in your Lexus IS-F, you should do it - because with great power comes great responsibility"
-- Stan Lee

Posted by: Quintilus Varus | March 26, 2008 11:17 AM | Report abuse

Matthew McCoughnahey (or however the heck it's spelled), in the character he played in Dazed & Confused.

Posted by: 23112 | March 26, 2008 11:29 AM | Report abuse

Really, there's only ONE celebrity when it comes to dishing out the best in advice.

The oracle.

The sage.

The man.

Gary. Busey.

Posted by: Pompous Magnus | March 26, 2008 11:31 AM | Report abuse

and when Alec Baldwin is on vacation, Lynn Spears can cover the "On Parenting" column.

how about Oprah?
(oh... wait...)

Posted by: 16828 | March 26, 2008 11:35 AM | Report abuse

i would like to see a Perez Hilton advice column! :)

Posted by: Anonymous | March 26, 2008 11:40 AM | Report abuse

My vote is for Heidi Klum. Wasn't she offering to help sort Britney out?

Posted by: Stuck@Work | March 26, 2008 11:43 AM | Report abuse

Heidi Klum would be awesome!

Posted by: h3 | March 26, 2008 11:45 AM | Report abuse

Joey Fatone. He probably needs a job about now.

Posted by: michael | March 26, 2008 11:54 AM | Report abuse

I second bahston's suggestion.

I also suspect that Trista is being paid. I know that doesn't sound right cause there's a kid involved and all but I can't shake the thought that she got a lump sum or is being paid to stick with this guy. Like wise for the husband whose name I can never recall.

My submission is Avril she did such a fab job on her blog the last time.

Posted by: petal | March 26, 2008 12:03 PM | Report abuse

That girl who wet the bed was, like, totally stupid. What you do is move the guy (who also probably passed out) onto the wet spot. Problem solved. Next!

Posted by: methinks | March 26, 2008 12:06 PM | Report abuse

I say Weird Al would be a hoot, but he's busy with the touring thing again.

Rosario Dawson. Think about it.

Posted by: EricS | March 26, 2008 12:10 PM | Report abuse

Anthony Bourdain! Preferably while intoxicated. Kind of like this: http://www.seriouseats.com/required_eating/2008/03/bourdain-rants-about-the-food-network.html

Posted by: nadabrain | March 26, 2008 12:12 PM | Report abuse

Everyone is completely missing the obvious. The celebrity who is a know-it-all, opinionated, tellitlikeitis broad...ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Rosie O'Donnell

Posted by: methinks | March 26, 2008 12:14 PM | Report abuse

Methinks,

Weren't you scared by her swing set contraption? Do you want that to haunt us again?


EricS,

I've thought about it and I still don't get the Rosario Dawson thing.

Posted by: petal | March 26, 2008 12:45 PM | Report abuse

Ooh! I know!

Someone who *is* one of the experts on human psychology. Someone who *can't* stand by and let the world go on stumling along without his expert advice.

Ladies and gentlemen...Tom Cruise.

Posted by: Arlington, VA | March 26, 2008 12:46 PM | Report abuse

okay, I give. Arlington VA is a genius. (Does the 'I coulda hada V8'move on my head)

Posted by: methinks | March 26, 2008 12:53 PM | Report abuse

The whole thing about Liz tantalizing us with the 'special treat on Friday' bit reminds me of the episode on 'The Office' when Michael tried to scam the employees by telling them he had a special surprise for them. He tried to line up various things, a trip to NYC, an airplane ride, a ride down a coal mine shaft, but in the end there was no surprise. I know Liz wouldn't do that to us, but I couldn't help but think of it.
And I don't know about anyone else but this REALLY makes me look forward to Friday!

Posted by: methinks | March 26, 2008 12:56 PM | Report abuse

I love Anthony Bourdain! Has anyone read his blog on the travel channel which links to his crews' blogs as well? Great stuff for first hand accounts of this guy in action. I regularly Tivo his shows.

Posted by: PGM | March 26, 2008 1:05 PM | Report abuse

Kinky Friedman

I hear he's available, having lost yet another political campaign...

http://www.kinkyfriedman.com/

Posted by: CJB | March 26, 2008 1:07 PM | Report abuse

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie

Posted by: omni | March 26, 2008 1:07 PM | Report abuse

I would go for a celebrity familiar enough to be able to hear their voice as you read their advice. For example, for down-to-earth advice, I'd go for Morgan Freeman; however, if you want more of a "Are you completely crazy?" approach, you can substitute Samuel L. Jackson. However, for a high-class tone of disbelief and dismay, you can't go wrong with John Cleese.

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | March 26, 2008 1:07 PM | Report abuse

Paris Hilton

Posted by: hangin in herndon | March 26, 2008 1:07 PM | Report abuse

"The Girls Next Door"

Topless

Posted by: omni | March 26, 2008 1:11 PM | Report abuse

if he wasn't dead mr. meagi would be perfect! (oh grasshopper, you must wax on, wax off) in his place i nominate the fonz (or harry winkler).
and i will be on the road friday and will be in the dark about the secret surprise. poop!

Posted by: melissamac1 | March 26, 2008 1:13 PM | Report abuse

of course in that version:

Holly Madison would attempt to sound intelligent but her advice would be incomprehensible.

Kendra Wilkinson would giggle and laugh and curse and advise you to do the exact opposite of what you should.

Bridget Marquardt would be all sweet and motherly and give the perfect advice for any situation.

It's win, win, win.

You get to scratch your head and laugh, then you get an answer.

Posted by: omni | March 26, 2008 1:16 PM | Report abuse

Ew. Did you actually twice say that Spencer is "easy on the eyes" and has a "pretty face"? Gross. He is so disgusting.

Posted by: Scone | March 26, 2008 1:18 PM | Report abuse

Henry Winkler is a good nom. He's bright, well-spoken, and has lived some heavy experiences.

In that same vein, Alan Alda. He seems like he's be a Mr. Blue-type advice columnist, though of a much lighter shade than Garrison Keillor.

For sheer smack-you-upside-the-head-and-belittle-you value, it has to be Lewis Black. I know quite a few people who need to be yelled at by him.

Posted by: WDC | March 26, 2008 1:54 PM | Report abuse

Liz Kelly, there are any number of Celebritologists who offer excellent advice to the entire Universe every day of the week in this very forum.

Why not ask methinks what shethinks?

Test petal's mettle.

In Quintilus Varus, veritas.

Bored @ work Answers @ once!

And so on and so forth...

Posted by: byoolin | March 26, 2008 2:14 PM | Report abuse

Don't get me wrong, I love my fellow celebritologists, almost as much as I love going to the dentist, but we get to read their $.02 five freakin' days a week. I want someone new, someone fresh, someone like Lewis Black. You can't beat an angry Jew for some really good advice.

Posted by: jake e. poo | March 26, 2008 2:21 PM | Report abuse

...so much for gettin' the scoop from jake e. poo...

Posted by: byoolin | March 26, 2008 2:27 PM | Report abuse

Can it be a movie character(s)?

Then I'd nominate Jay and Silent Bob.

Posted by: b | March 26, 2008 2:32 PM | Report abuse

byoolin is cracking me up

How about Sylvester Stallone? I would love to his his responses, phonetically, of course

How about Tina Fey?

Posted by: ncc | March 26, 2008 2:43 PM | Report abuse

Is sheryl crow posting online today? from the reliable source chat today:

Team Aniston: Not all of us have forgiven Homewrecker Angelina. Luckily most of her recent films haven't been very good, so no problem to boycott her movies.

Roxanne Roberts: Can't we all just get along?

Posted by: travis, md | March 26, 2008 2:59 PM | Report abuse

Penn Jillette

We know he has opinions on everything from his BS series...oh, wait, he's busy dancing (but probably not for long).

Posted by: CJB | March 26, 2008 4:41 PM | Report abuse

I nominate Eddie Murphy, but he has to wear a fat suit and can only give advice to letters he has submitted personally.

Posted by: M Street | March 26, 2008 4:46 PM | Report abuse

Dr. Phil! No, wait...

Posted by: b | March 26, 2008 4:48 PM | Report abuse

I vote for Chris Dodd!

Posted by: KG | March 26, 2008 5:47 PM | Report abuse

Lewis Black, Chris Rock, George Carlin or CJB's unimpeachable choice: Kinky Friedman.

Posted by: Sasquatch | March 26, 2008 5:59 PM | Report abuse

"I ankled it out of there and left the cats in charge."
- Kinky Friedman

Posted by: byoolin | March 26, 2008 8:33 PM | Report abuse

Only one celeb could give the kind of advice worthy of a Celebritology column. The only question is whether the world would be ready for an advice column by . . . Andy Dick.

Posted by: ATinVA | March 26, 2008 9:46 PM | Report abuse

Please allow me to introduce ... Keith Richards. He would rock. And his head has cleared up a lot since he fell out of the coconut tree. Maybe he'd really come clean about whether he snorted the ol' man. Or not. Long live Keith!

Posted by: rashibama | March 26, 2008 11:26 PM | Report abuse

ugh - no no no- Spencer Pratt is NOT attractive..worse than SJP (who IS attractive, if not sexy)

Posted by: SIlver Spring | March 27, 2008 12:24 AM | Report abuse

I second, third, fourth, and fifth the nomination for Gary Busy. That is the slam dunk choice.

Plus, he'd probably do it!!!!

Can I get an amen?

Posted by: jaybbub | March 27, 2008 9:31 AM | Report abuse

"I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night" sounds like something straight off the LNS forums, doesn't it?!

Posted by: KS | March 27, 2008 10:41 AM | Report abuse

Hater flippin at Benihana. His douchebaggery is truly staggering.

Posted by: erm | March 27, 2008 10:54 AM | Report abuse

Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth.

Really, any of the Bluths would work. Tobias even has the credentials.

Posted by: Paul | March 27, 2008 11:37 AM | Report abuse

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