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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 04/17/2008

Paris Hilton's Cheesy Smackdown

By Liz Kelly

Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and her assets in 2006. (AP)

One thing's for sure -- it's hard to come up with a creative, fresh-sounding insult. After all, we've been dissing each other for millennia. For example, there are only so many ways you can say someone's got a large backside. Well-worn gibes range from the mild, almost complimentary ("junk in the trunk") to the scathingly severe ("wide load"). But, it would seem we've heard them all.

That is until last week, when one Paris Hilton -- mainly known around these parts for her chart-shredding single "Stars Are Blind" and her humanitarian missions -- lobbed this dirty bomb of a slight at long-time pal (and noted carrier of junk in the trunk) Kim Kardashian's posterior: "It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag."

And so a new standard for anatomical insult-flinging was set by Hilton, who surpassed the previous record set by pal Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis, who once dubbed the hard-partying Lindsay Lohan with this NSFW nickname. (At this point, I would like to tip my hat at one of Celebritology's best pals, who came up with a lovely mash-up of the nickname and the Stephen King book "Firestarter." You do the math.)

As soon as I recovered from the shock of Hilton's unexpected smackdown, I wondered: Is there more to that blonde head than meets the eye? Is the mind of a genius lurking behind those vacant eyes? Could it be that her airheaded pose is just that -- a pose? Is she, like Andy Kaufman, having us on? Vote below.

Hilton, it should be noted, later apologized, calling Kardashian "hot," which amounts to high praise in the Hilton lexicon.

---
Also today, hop on over to Gene Weingarten's Gene Pool group -- which I assure you is heavily chlorinated -- for a discussion of why we care about celebrity news. I mean, who can answer that question better than us?

By Liz Kelly  | April 17, 2008; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Paris Hilton  
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Comments

Paris "Stick Insect" Hilton commenting on KK's (or anyone else's, for that matter) appearance would be like...

like...

like...

like...

OH! I KNOW:

would be like Paris "Rhymes-With-'Spit'-For Brains" Hilton commenting on Stephen Hawking's (or anyone else's, for that matter) intellect.

Posted by: byoolin, with another Adrian Mole reference for Liz Kelly's amusement. | April 17, 2008 11:01 AM | Report abuse

1)Paris is right
2)Kim's boyfriend is Reggie Bush.
3)Reggie Bush is waaay hotter than Benji Madden will ever hope to be

Posted by: Lisa1 | April 17, 2008 11:03 AM | Report abuse

This poll is hard. One wants to pick "dumber than we thought," but that's kind of like saying "infinity plus one" in mathematics.

Posted by: byoolin | April 17, 2008 11:05 AM | Report abuse

my favorite description of a well-endowed derriere comes from an old Andy Griffith show when someone, Gomer I think, says, "Why that woman has got quite a hitch to her gitalong, don't she?"

Posted by: b | April 17, 2008 11:09 AM | Report abuse

reddragon responded first and definitively to Gene's question:

"...it gives me a harmless, mindless topic of conversation with my wife, kids, and colleagues. It is so much better than getting into an argument about politics, because at the end of such argument, they will still be wrong."

Posted by: byoolin | April 17, 2008 11:10 AM | Report abuse

I'm going to have to agree with reddragon, via byoolin. A couple of weeks ago I was able to defuse a drunken heated argument over...something, I brought up the Beyonce/Jay-Z wedding. I am the Jimmy Carter of my group of drunken friends.

Posted by: jake e. poo | April 17, 2008 11:32 AM | Report abuse

I am a girl and I think Kim K is really hot. If I had a choice of either Paris or Kim's body, I would choose Kim everyday all day. Paris could use some help in the booty department. Doesn't she know there are girls paying good money for what Kim has been blessed with?

Posted by: J | April 17, 2008 11:43 AM | Report abuse

The classic in this genre is "looks like two rhinos wrestling (or other NSFC verb) under a blanket."

Posted by: yellojkt | April 17, 2008 11:54 AM | Report abuse

Someone please explain how KK has a big ass? I'm a black woman and she ain't got no big ass. I got a big ass. PH ain't got no ass at all? I think I have sufficiently maxed out on my daily allottment of asses.

Posted by: Anonymous | April 17, 2008 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Paris Hilton, a vapid, useless, shell of a human being commenting on another vapid, shell of a human being.

Pot, this is kettle. HELLO?!?!

Posted by: Bored @ work | April 17, 2008 12:18 PM | Report abuse

I am the Jimmy Carter of my group of drunken friends.

Posted by: jake e. poo | April 17, 2008 11:32 AM

*****

Keep at it, jake, and you'll be the Billy Carter of your group of drunken friends in no time.

Posted by: byoolin | April 17, 2008 12:32 PM | Report abuse

Years ago (1984-85?), People mag wrote a story about some rich teenage socialite whose entire existence seemed to be made up of staying out until all hours and sleeping until 2 pm (a pre-Paris, as it were). And, I commented on how nice it would be to have that kind of life. And, she pointed to the picture and said, "But, look at her eyes. There is nothing behind them. She has no soul." I've never forgotten that and every time I see a picture of Paris, I think the same thing.

Posted by: ldf | April 17, 2008 12:32 PM | Report abuse

In the picture above Kim is a 9.5 and Paris is a 5.5 both in looks and body. However, I have seen Kim more recently and she has added a lot more junk to her trunk.

Posted by: DW | April 17, 2008 2:26 PM | Report abuse

It's photos like this one: http://www.imgplace.com/directory/dir1139/1188541073.jpg

Posted by: omni | April 17, 2008 2:52 PM | Report abuse

or this one http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/8290/34444kim01sandino122651vd5.jpg

Posted by: omni | April 17, 2008 2:53 PM | Report abuse

I scored 4 out of 6 on the Kim Kardashian tush test.

http://www.eonline.com/on/shows/kardashians/tushygame/index.jsp

Posted by: Sasquatch | April 17, 2008 3:13 PM | Report abuse

I find it hard to believe I got 6/6, but there it is.

Posted by: omni | April 17, 2008 3:31 PM | Report abuse

I 'scored' a 4/6 but now I'm going to bathe in Purell.

Posted by: methinks | April 17, 2008 3:34 PM | Report abuse

There's always this quote from an episode of M*A*S*H

". . .two bulldogs in a burlap sack".

Posted by: jelo | April 17, 2008 3:38 PM | Report abuse

The way I heard the metaphor:

"Two Cub Scouts fighting under a pup tent."

Posted by: Sasquatch | April 17, 2008 3:45 PM | Report abuse

I got 5 out of 6. I feel dirty.

Posted by: J | April 17, 2008 3:48 PM | Report abuse

Oh, and I'm at work. So, I hope they aren't tracking this.

Posted by: J | April 17, 2008 3:49 PM | Report abuse

Since the Kim Kardashian Tush Test is all virtual, the only thing you need to disinfect is your browser cache. Some people may need to disinfect their trouser cash.

Posted by: Sasquatch | April 17, 2008 4:15 PM | Report abuse

Here's a big hint: Kim was always the one on the left... ;)

Posted by: Amy F. | April 17, 2008 4:17 PM | Report abuse

Yipe. Four out of six.

Posted by: h3 | April 17, 2008 5:22 PM | Report abuse

I'm kind of proud of myself, I only got two out of six.

Posted by: jes | April 17, 2008 5:33 PM | Report abuse

Score! I'm a Gluteus Maximus at 5/6! (yuck)

Posted by: Anonymous | April 17, 2008 5:37 PM | Report abuse

she wasn't always on the left in the quiz I took, Amy F.
Go figure.

Posted by: methinks | April 17, 2008 6:07 PM | Report abuse

The GenePool needs to be heavily chloroformed, not chlorinated.

Posted by: LLL | April 18, 2008 12:23 AM | Report abuse

Benji and Joel Madden have a clothing line (or some other crap they're selling) named DCMA. They named it this to pay homage to where they are from -- DC and Maryland. As a native Marylander myself, I'm both ashamed and relieved that our public schools could not teach these boys the two letter abbreviation for their own state. Let DC and Boston have the "credit" for them.

Posted by: LLL | April 18, 2008 12:29 AM | Report abuse

LLL, LOL at your 12:23.

To your 12:29; It could be worse: WAMA

On the tush quiz: mine were first two right, second two left, last two right. Some kind of randomizer, take it again and you'll see...

Posted by: omni | April 18, 2008 7:28 AM | Report abuse

Paris mentally capable of quoting her catty hair & makeup people! Alert the media. We are the media. Consider us alerted.

Posted by: erm | April 18, 2008 9:55 AM | Report abuse

jake e poo - You may be the Jimmy Carter of your drunken group, but it would be even waaaay more awesomer if you were the byoolin!

Posted by: jaybbub | April 18, 2008 12:48 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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