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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 06/19/2008

Head for the Hills: Speidi is Armed & Dangerous

By Liz Kelly

Gun nuts Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag? (Getty Images)

When Paris Hilton brandishes a BlackBerry or Mary-Kate Olsen tries to inflict retinal damage by wearing this, we laugh and deftly fend off their ineffectual attacks. After all, how painful is it to crack wise about hobo chic or illiterate heiresses? But when faced with a vapid sub-par star of questionable intelligence brandishing actual weapons -- the kind that result in real stitches, not just a stitch in the side -- how are we to defend ourselves?

I asked myself that very question this morning. When Charlton Heston died earlier this year, it turned out to be two tabloid darlings who stepped up to pry his guns out of his "cold dead hands" and carry the banner of celeb gun-toting to a new demographic. "Hills" couple Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag ("Speidi") are rumored to have recently dropped $10,000 on assorted weaponry:

They purchased two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. "They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses," a friend explains.

Oh good. Glad they're modeling their newfound gun nut image on a hammy Chuck Norris-Lee Marvin shoot-em-up. (Released the same year Montag was born. Dismissed as coincidence.)

The mind reels imagining life in the Speidi household:

"Does this gun metal match my tan?," or "The .45 won't fit nicely into my Fendi baguette" or the inevitable "Does this Smith and Wesson make my butt look big?"

Before this thing goes much further -- left unchecked, it's only a matter of time before Nicole Ritchie starts toting a Swarovski-encrusted shoulder-fired missile launcher -- maybe it's time we got serious about gun control. Trust me, as annoying as it can be to awake to another story about Paris dancing on table tops or Tommy Lee and Pammy reconciling, I'd rather have them sniping at each other via ill-phrased MySpace volleys than with actual live ammo.

By Liz Kelly  | June 19, 2008; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Hollyweird  
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Comments

I know I live under a rock and all but how did these knuckleheads get to be famous? All you people, and you know who you are, who watched "The Hills" made them what they are. I guess the old adage is right, "you get the celebrities you deserve."

Posted by: methinks | June 19, 2008 10:51 AM | Report abuse

I thought that some weeks back we all agreed that "Speidi" was way too cool for these two dweebs. After some discussion, I belive we hit on "Heincer" as most appropriate. (Not least because of it's close resemblence to "heinie" and not the beer)

Please resume snarking.

Posted by: sunnydaze | June 19, 2008 10:54 AM | Report abuse

I am reminded of the immortal words of Humphrey Bogart as Philip Marlowe in The Big Sleep.

"My, my, my! Such a lot of guns around town and so few brains!"

Posted by: byoolin | June 19, 2008 11:00 AM | Report abuse

"I'd rather have them sniping at each other via ill-phrased MySpace volleys than with actual live ammo."


No, I think you've got that the wrong way around, Liz Kelly.

Posted by: byoolin votes for a live-fire exercise. | June 19, 2008 11:04 AM | Report abuse

Any reason given as to WHY they 'need'/want such a stash of weaponry?? Delta Force-level firearms doesn't really say, "I want to defend my home from paparazzi." It kinda says, "We wanted to perpetuate our psuedo-fame by giving people something else to talk about besides our on-again, off-again relationship."

Posted by: amberly | June 19, 2008 11:05 AM | Report abuse

sunnydaze - I was just thinking that. I second Heincer.

Is it just me, or is Spencer one weird looking dude? I feel like his face was photo-shopped on to his head from a picture of an 8yo boy...

Posted by: mango | June 19, 2008 11:14 AM | Report abuse

I've got a gun for her :)

Posted by: Cock & Load | June 19, 2008 11:14 AM | Report abuse

I would actually like to see Heidi try to fire some of those guns., especially the 12 gauge shotgun. Her getting knocked on her a$$ would make for a great youtube clip.

Posted by: michael | June 19, 2008 11:15 AM | Report abuse

Typical H'wood stylin'. Same functionality can be had for well less that 1/3 of what they paid. Considering their probable talent, interest and training levels they essentially bought Maseratis to drive across the street. Comparisonwise.

Posted by: Stick | June 19, 2008 11:15 AM | Report abuse

Holy. Crap. This freaks me out.

Posted by: md | June 19, 2008 11:16 AM | Report abuse

So whaddya think, guys - are there Texting NRA Twits who'll find us today, or can we mock Heincer in peace?

Posted by: h3 | June 19, 2008 11:19 AM | Report abuse

I want this to be the work of Ashton's show. Pretty please?

Posted by: RiverCityRoller | June 19, 2008 11:20 AM | Report abuse

u guys r just jelus. speidie rulez! stop hayting on spedicie. LC sux.

Posted by: luvspeidi | June 19, 2008 11:21 AM | Report abuse

Thank god, she didn't use a photo of him with that creepy flesh colored beard.

It does concern me that these two, who's combined I.Q. barely reaches retarded level, can buy so many guns.

Thank you NRA.

Posted by: jake e. poo | June 19, 2008 11:30 AM | Report abuse

I am a staunch defender of the 2nd Amendment, who is praying for the Supreme Court ruling throwing out D.C. draconian gun control laws (which obviously work so well to reduce gun violence). That said, who in the right minds, or even left minds, would let these epitomes of TTTs own firearms?

The good news is they will hurt themselves long before they hurt anyone lese with them. First time the bimbo breaks a nail loading the weapon is the last time she touches any weapon.

Posted by: ep | June 19, 2008 11:31 AM | Report abuse

lets hope they shoot eachother

Posted by: what up | June 19, 2008 11:34 AM | Report abuse

I have no clue who these people are. So I'm going back to the Morning Mix.

Posted by: td might actually get work done today | June 19, 2008 11:41 AM | Report abuse

I heard Whitney got her own spin-off. Maybe they're jealous, and that's what the guns are for?

Posted by: piper | June 19, 2008 11:42 AM | Report abuse

boring. going back to the mornin' mix to talk about speedos, beckham, and mario lopez.

Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2008 11:49 AM | Report abuse

How to defend against Speidi:

Distract them with something shiny and an extended 15 minutes of fame

Posted by: Magnolia | June 19, 2008 11:51 AM | Report abuse

OK. For all you people who deeply feel the need to exercise your 2nd Amendment rights, I ask you one question:

Why?

If you think it will save or protect you from death, it won't. According to the National Center for Health Statistics you are far more likely to die from heart disease or cancer. After that, stroke or respiratory disease than you would be from anything else. Accidents are a distant fifth.

Homicide is 15th on the list. Suicide is 10th.

So, apart from preparing for that possible armed insurrection that might occur someday, what is the point of owning a handgun or an automatic weapon*?

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | June 19, 2008 11:53 AM | Report abuse

I personally lurve the idea of all of these people blowing each other away. Go for it!

Posted by: ol | June 19, 2008 11:53 AM | Report abuse

From the News Of The Weird's archives for 1992:

In Key West, Fla., in October, Vicki Childress, 38, had an asthma attack during the night, reached for the atomizer she keeps under her pillow next to a loaded .38-caliber gun, grabbed the wrong thing, and shot herself in the jaw. The bullet shattered her teeth and passed through the jaw into the wall of her bedroom.

Posted by: byoolin wonders in Heincer have asthma | June 19, 2008 11:54 AM | Report abuse

yes, but did it stop her asthma attack?

Posted by: sunnydaze | June 19, 2008 11:59 AM | Report abuse

yes, but did it stop her asthma attack?

Posted by: sunnydaze | June 19, 2008 11:59 AM

**************************

Can my IT department bill you for my new keyboard?

Posted by: michael | June 19, 2008 12:04 PM | Report abuse

The truly appalling aspect of this story is that these two nitwits had $10,000 to blow on weapons.

Posted by: still | June 19, 2008 12:18 PM | Report abuse

Oh and I agree that Spencer has a weird face.

Posted by: still | June 19, 2008 12:21 PM | Report abuse

Can my IT department bill you for my new keyboard?

Posted by: michael | June 19, 2008 12:04 PM

Yes, all billings must be submitted in triplicate along with all copies of invoices, work orders, specifications and/or any other supporting documentation to byoolin, or Sasquatch depending on who is available or drunk at any given time and who will then tranfer them to the appropriate file where they will be taken care of (in the mafia sense) along with their submitters. Have a nice day.

Posted by: sunnydaze really needs to get back to work now | June 19, 2008 12:27 PM | Report abuse

http://men.msn.com/staticslideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=8022873

I think we have just found #16

Posted by: 15 Most Cringe Worthy Men Alive | June 19, 2008 12:32 PM | Report abuse

Excellent, Sunnydaze.

I've been thinking about compiling a sort of guidebook to the Celebritology Snark Tank to help lurkers and newbies adjust to our surreality.

Next week I may ask the regular to submit items that they think should be included in the guidebook. Obviously, Cap'n Curmudgeon's Glossary would be a major element.

Meanwhile, back into my work cave to assemble test data.

One final thing: that photo of Cyd Charise on page one of today's dead tree Style Section was CLASSY. She was one hot hoofer!

Posted by: Sasquatch, ROTFL | June 19, 2008 12:35 PM | Report abuse

As my ex-boss would have said, you go to war with the celebrities you have, not the ones you want.

Posted by: ftl,dts | June 19, 2008 12:35 PM | Report abuse

Totally off topic: In Style magazine this month has a section on fashion types (don't ask how I know this), each with a "muse" and the "Trendster" type has THAT VERY PICTURE of MKO as the muse. But don't look at my copy. It has coffee spray all over it.

Posted by: Angela | June 19, 2008 12:35 PM | Report abuse

.... Yes, all billings must be submitted in triplicate...

Posted by: sunnydaze really needs to get back to work now | June 19, 2008 12:27 PM

*********

Just use the standard S-173J and write in "pizza oven" where it says "machine gun."

Posted by: That is, if byoolin's Lt. understood your Cpl. about what you two Cpts. wanted. | June 19, 2008 12:37 PM | Report abuse

If you want more information about Cringe-worthy Roger Clemens, go to
http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Roger_Clemens

There are a number of other Dicks profiled on the web site, including media figures, sports figures (Lance Armstrong's profile is particularly snarky) and, of course, politicians.

The site is getting rave reviews around my cave.

Posted by: Sasquatch | June 19, 2008 12:38 PM | Report abuse

Comment of the Week Nominee:

"As my ex-boss would have said, you go to war with the celebrities you have, not the ones you want.?

Excellent! Simply Excellent!

Posted by: Sasquatch Recognizing Excellence in Snark | June 19, 2008 12:39 PM | Report abuse

Sunnydaze asks:

"yes, but did it stop her asthma attack?"

I guess she thought it was worth a shot.

Posted by: Sasquatch Inhales Deeply | June 19, 2008 12:45 PM | Report abuse

Still observes:
"The truly appalling aspect of this story is that these two nitwits had $10,000 to blow on weapons."

Yeah. When celebs have $10K to blow, they usually blow it on blow.

Posted by: Sasquatch | June 19, 2008 12:46 PM | Report abuse

[the sound of all Celebritologists bowing down.]

Posted by: byoolin | June 19, 2008 12:47 PM | Report abuse

Mark it down: 12:46pm on June 19th, 2008 - Sasquatch provides the definitive evidence that the infinite monkey theorem is true.

Posted by: M Street | June 19, 2008 12:53 PM | Report abuse

grrrr...i'm so tired of these non-celeb people from some reality show i don't watch gunking up the celebrity scene. they are all over my US Weekly every dang week!! who are they? why are they here? what do they want?

Posted by: wats | June 19, 2008 12:58 PM | Report abuse

I also would like to say that the ensemble worn by the Trollson in the link was beyond ridiculous.

Posted by: methinks | June 19, 2008 12:58 PM | Report abuse

"...who are they? why are they here? what do they want?"

To Serve Humans.

Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2008 1:06 PM | Report abuse

You know, I should probably have some witty comment on all of this, but these 2 are so far off my radar they're not even worth it.

I'm actually not even sure I know who they are other than Heidi & Spencer or Heincer or Speidi or whatever.

Posted by: Bored @ work | June 19, 2008 1:09 PM | Report abuse

"yes, but did it stop her asthma attack?" --sunnydaze 11:59 AM

That. Was. Brilliant!

Posted by: td cannot stop laughing | June 19, 2008 1:14 PM | Report abuse

When my cousin's husband was in the hospital, her dog alerted her to an intruder in her bedroom, whom she promptly shot with the handgun she kept by her bed. She then made him go stand in the hallway while she called the police--she didn't want him bleeding on her carpet.

There are a lot of evil people out there.

Posted by: alex, who also likes tasers | June 19, 2008 1:20 PM | Report abuse

Note to Liz Kelly: Dear, there actually IS a Delta Force group in the US Army. It's not just a cool name made up for an old movie. I'm just sayin'.

"Spencer wants to be prepared for anything." Riiiight.

Posted by: 23112 | June 19, 2008 1:23 PM | Report abuse

My speidi sense is tingling. Somewhere two morons have weapons. This can't be good for mankind.

Posted by: ep | June 19, 2008 1:34 PM | Report abuse

"Does this Smith and Wesson make my butt look big?"

Well, that all depends on WHERE you carry it...I have a suggestion.

****

"there actually IS a Delta Force group in the US Army. It's not just a cool name made up for an old movie."
Posted by: 23112 | June 19, 2008 1:23 PM
****
You know that and we know that, but the question remains whether the Heincer knows that...

Posted by: sunnydaze | June 19, 2008 1:47 PM | Report abuse

I have "Cheddar Jalapeno" flavored Cheetos! :) mmmmmmmm!

Posted by: sunnydaze gloats and then goes back to work, again | June 19, 2008 1:48 PM | Report abuse

They actually make cheddar jelapeno cheetos?!?

Posted by: alex, grabbing wallet, running out door | June 19, 2008 1:58 PM | Report abuse

Sas, I assumed they had $10k left over for weapons after taking care of their drug habits.

Posted by: still | June 19, 2008 2:03 PM | Report abuse

Someone please, PLEASE show these two the full catalog of Delta Force camoflague makeup so they can paint themselves out of visible awareness? This Spendi stuff is getting ridiculous.

Posted by: Anonyandnon | June 19, 2008 2:06 PM | Report abuse

So I play the online game World of Warcraft (Wait, this has a Celebritology-related point!), which has a variety of pop culture references embedded within, including a character named Haris Pilton whose sole function in the game is to hang out in the local bar with her pet dog Tinkerbell.

The game economy has been flooded with gold lately for a variety of reasons. In an effort to control market inflation, the game makers are going to have Haris open up a shop. She will sell one item with actual gameplay value- for a ridiculous sum- and a variety of "vanity" items (those with no in-game function), also for a ridiculous sum.

Two thoughts, esteemed colleagues:
1. I'd say this is art imitating life, but I can't figure out what worthwhile function, item, or service the real Paris fulfills. Thoughts?
2. Could we have avoided the current economic situation by buying more Carl's Jr hamburgers?

Posted by: Bawlmer is Nerd-Queen of the Internets | June 19, 2008 2:25 PM | Report abuse

They actually make cheddar jelapeno cheetos?!?

Posted by: alex, grabbing wallet, running out door | June 19, 2008 1:58 PM
******

This is the first time I have ever seen them - they are wonderful! And, my boss just came by my office to tell me not to eat the whole bag because I might get sick. (Thanks surrogate Dad) I love my job!

Posted by: sunnydaze is putting the Cheetos away, probably | June 19, 2008 2:39 PM | Report abuse

Note to Liz Kelly: Dear, there actually IS a Delta Force group in the US Army. It's not just a cool name made up for an old movie. I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: 23112 | June 19, 2008 1:23 PM

******************************************

Actually there is no mention on paper anywhere in the Army of Delta Force, from what my friends in the military tell me they have a different name now. Of course there is still a shirt out there that says Delta Force....

Posted by: michael | June 19, 2008 3:03 PM | Report abuse

Balwmer, Nerd-Queen of the Internets, did you see that thing in the Onion about the sequel to World of Warcraft - their story is that the sequel is a game in which your character is a person playing WoW?

Posted by: byoolin | June 19, 2008 3:14 PM | Report abuse

"yes, but did it stop her asthma attack?"

It certainly made her forget about it.

Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2008 3:15 PM | Report abuse

Still sez:

"Sas, I assumed they had $10k left over for weapons after taking care of their drug habits."

Good assumption.

Posted by: Sasquatch | June 19, 2008 4:02 PM | Report abuse

I did, byoolin- kind of an infinite circle of morons thing. But I much prefer the South Park episode set in WoW. "How do you kill that which has no life?"

Posted by: Bawlmer is sustained by the tears of her enemies, and Hot Pockets. | June 19, 2008 4:03 PM | Report abuse

Would Gary Coleman have hot pockets after a round of pocket pool?

Speaking of Gary Coleman....Byoolin, you'll wish you were Gary Coleman:

http://marketingdriven.blogspot.com/Governor%20wannabes%20Gary%20Coleman%20and%20Mary%20Carey,%208-27-03.bmp

Posted by: Sasquatch | June 19, 2008 4:16 PM | Report abuse

Thanks, 'Squatch, now I have that old song, "Slow Dancin'" in my head.

Posted by: byoolin | June 19, 2008 4:25 PM | Report abuse

Byool, ya gotta admit for two fugly old farts, like us, it's better to have Slow Dancin' in your head than to look at that picture of Mario Lopez and start hearing Hit Me With Your Best Shot.

Posted by: Sasquatch | June 19, 2008 4:32 PM | Report abuse

I wouldn't be surprised if they shot each other in an attempt to get more press.

Posted by: petal | June 19, 2008 4:32 PM | Report abuse

One more time

CELEBRITOLOGY UNIVERSE
Unabashed Glossary of Terms

Bagging the viper - vulgar synonym for "knockin' boots" (see below)
Blowback - non-Lizard snark
Booby Kennedy Day (BKD) - a bodacious afternoon at the Celebritology Hut
Boyzillion - the entire area of one's privacies after waxing
Byoolin - the Babe Ruth (in a good way) of the Celebritology Universe
Carm down - a warning that is issued when passions rise too precipitously
Celebuspawn - what comes out when a celebrity foals
Cheetoes - what all B-list celebrity babies, and wannababies, are wearing this season
Clint Eastwood - grumpy old man
Commando raid - mischief effected by a band of Lizards, sometimes includes a rescue ladder
Contrafribularities - (1) apologies, consolation; (2) congratulations, applause, etc.
Cromulent - excellent, realistic, authentic
DB Cooper - Sasquatch's former and much missed neighbor
Doing the Funky Wiggle - what happens when LiLo breaks the one-at-a-time rule
Embiggen - to enlarge; to flesh-out (i.e., the results a boob job)
Empress Tea Lobby - the Lizard version of the Algonquin Round Table
Fatty - one who needs to carm down
Frumpy - to look like Rumer Wills wearing that slouchy beret thingy
Gecko - Curmudgeon's super secret undercover Lizard alias
Geigh - what Clay may or may not be
Harangue the hairy one - this has something to do with Sasquatch
Harshing the snark - critiquing and otherwise criticizing Celebritology comments
Hater - someone with an opinion that differs from your own
Hirsute - what Sasquatch is; aka Prince Hairy
Incestupus - (1) the appearance of being incestuous (cf, Billy Ray Cyrus and daughter, Miley Ray Cyrus, in the "Vanity Fair" photo spread); (2) what you call Miley's relationship with Billy Ray if you want to incite another BKD (see Booby Kennedy Day, above)
Kitchen pass - what a Lizard gets from the so/spouse to indulge in flights of bootylicious fancy about certain celebrity members of the opposite sex (geigh or not)
Knockin' boots - (1) bagging the viper; (2) celebrities being snarked
Knockin' Ferragamos - the same as knockin' boots only done by wealthy Italians (see above)
LiLo leggings - a part of the Lizard Commando Unit's uniform generally worn while going up the rescue ladder; most distinctive features are the padded knee pads and easy-open crotch seam
Lizard - a denizen of the Celebritology Universe
Luvlinsey - doesn't know how to spell linDsAy
Mean Mommy - MM; a regular on the OP and/or OB blog(s)
Merkin - a larger, less refined, second cousin to a tumbleweave (see "tumbleweave" below)
Methinks - the Lizard with the initial pony fixation
Mr Liz - beloved consort of Queen Liz and co-keeper of the Kelly menagerie; it is thought that Mr Liz has the good sense to stay away from the Lizards
Neck-to-knee - Clay's personal grooming secret
Opracity - the extent to which a media figure tries to insert themselves into every aspect of popular culture (e.g., "Paris Hilton, while totally untalented, maintains an Opracity of 96 percent.")
Peep show - what the Thursday Celebritology Chat becomes after an hour of dueling hot links
Photo spread - what Britney and Paris provide onlookers when exiting from an auto
Platicated - what Katie Holmes seems to be in more recent times (i.e., the results of a nose job)
Pony - what every Lizard really really really wants (would be a unicorn if it had a horn in the middle of its forehead)
Pornorific - self-explanatory
Privacies - that which can remain protected by a pair of LiLo leggings (unless the crotch seam gives way)
Propper nacked - showing more skin than Miley Cyrus did in the "Vanity Fair" photo spread
Shibbi/shibby - hot, cool, partying, or wasted
Skank - a streetwalker
Skanque - (1) a call girl; (2) a French streetwalker
Skeleboobs - aka Victoria Posh Spice Beckham (see also TOAS)
Snark -clever but keenly disparaging remarks about another organization, custom, or person (especially a celebrity)
Snarkfest - the Celebritology posting media
Snark tank - where a deserving celebrity is sent to be snarked limb from limb
Snarky - the essence of a clever, glib observation made by a Lizard
Speedos - snarky synonym for male privacies when seen on a beach or around a pool
Televizzle - where one watches that Pekinese rescue league thing
Texting 'Tweener Tw*t (TTT) - (1) ignorant middleschooler; (2) ignorant grownup
TOAS - T**'s On A Stick (see also Skeleboobs)
Tumbleweave - an erstwhile hair extension living on its own in the big city; a smaller, more refined, second cousin to a merkin (see "merkin" above)
Unchoreographed flame - (1) an event in a John Woo film reminiscent of the campfire scene in "Blazing Saddles"; (2) any unexpected event
Wrestling the taco - something that Mrs Hogan might want her new boy toy to do

Posted by: Curmudgeon | June 19, 2008 4:42 PM | Report abuse

It looks like they tried to bar out Mary-Kate's eyes and missed by a few inches.

Posted by: £££ | June 19, 2008 8:11 PM | Report abuse

Heincer really is much better. It has the added advantage of sounding like something you'd name a Schnauzer.

Posted by: £££ | June 19, 2008 8:13 PM | Report abuse

There is a Delta Force. You can be on Delta Force and work in a croissant shop.

Posted by: £££ | June 19, 2008 8:18 PM | Report abuse

Stand back, boys, she's about to bloowwwwwwww!

Posted by: Bawlmer pities Gary Coleman. | June 19, 2008 9:40 PM | Report abuse

After Nicole Richie has so much fun with her Swarovski-encrusted shoulder-fired missile launcher, Heincer went and picked on up from eBay:

http://tinyurl.com/5z2wyz

Posted by: byoolin | June 19, 2008 10:22 PM | Report abuse

肝癌

Posted by: dfgdfgfdg | June 20, 2008 5:27 AM | Report abuse

肝癌

Posted by: dddfddd | June 20, 2008 5:34 AM | Report abuse

To MoCoSnarky: Because we can. But don't inject automatic weapons into the equation. These are regulated and you need a Federal license to possess them. They also start at about $5K.

Given the number of guns in this land the murder, accident and suicide numbers, even if added together and counted as one gun apiece, hardly rates as a statistic.

Guns are like car insurance; better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

Posted by: Stick | June 20, 2008 7:50 AM | Report abuse

Stick?

Did Emily send you?

Posted by: geckomudgeon | June 20, 2008 8:27 AM | Report abuse

Alas, level of fame cannot be used as restriction to our basic rights. If it could be, I'd vote for stripping away the freedom of speech from Paris Hilton first. The world would be much better off if she only opened her mouth to eat. Also on the hit list would be to take away to freedom to worship freely from Tom Cruise. Guns, not so much. They're more likely to shoot off at the lip than at the hip.

Posted by: DC Cubefarm | June 20, 2008 10:02 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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