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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 07/10/2008

Creative Captioning: Pam Splits for Australia

By Liz Kelly

(Reuters)

Some people think Pam Anderson is just a pretty face, a bod, a vapid dress form who manages to stay on our radar only because she fills out a bikini like nobody's business and has made a PR strategy out of serial marriages. Well, eat it, you haters, because Pam has proven to all of us time and again that she (in order from real to not so real) is a multi-talented actress, model, animal rights crusader, mom, magician's assistant, lifeguard, private eye, action hero and object of Borat's affection. And in an appearance on Australia's "Big Brother" Pam has revealed yet another skill
-- the ability to splay her legs across a TV studio floor while wearing nothing but a pillow case and a pair of 4-inch heels. Brava!


Crikey! (Reuters)

Aussies may have Nicole Kidman, but can she do this? One need only look at the woman in the far right of the photo (see detail at right) to gauge the effect that Pam's crucial skills had on the electrified Aussie audience. Why was she doing the splits? We don't know and, honestly, we don't care. What we do care about is your 100 percent made up explanation. So, go ahead, hit me with your most creative caption. The winner will, as per centuries old tradition, be named Official Celebrity Captionologist for the week of July 6-12.

Just one thing, mate: Challenge yourselves all the more by keeping your entries clean. If you shoot for PG, but manage a PG-13 I'll be happy. Oh, and extra credit for entries that include the words of "billabong," "Joey," "Thorn Birds" or "penal colony."

By Liz Kelly  | July 10, 2008; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Creative Captioning  
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Comments

I learned a lot on "Baywatch." Hoff can do it too.

Posted by: td | July 10, 2008 10:51 AM | Report abuse

"This was always Tommy Lee's favourite part."

Posted by: Curmudgeon | July 10, 2008 10:52 AM | Report abuse

Tommy Lee? Oh, about yea long.

Posted by: td | July 10, 2008 10:53 AM | Report abuse

Penal colony? As in, Pam shows off her ability to make her penal colony touch the floor?

While some wives bend over backwards to acoomodate their husbands, Pam needed a slightly different technique for living with Tommy Lee.

Posted by: epony | July 10, 2008 10:53 AM | Report abuse

accommodate, that is.

Posted by: epony | July 10, 2008 10:54 AM | Report abuse

Hmmm....

"Pamela Anderson shows off the secret to her 'acting' success"

"Pamela Anderson provides evidence that she is in fact an actual Barbie doll."

"Anything the Hoff can do, I can do better."

Posted by: Dorkus M. | July 10, 2008 10:55 AM | Report abuse

Later that night, Kid Rock got in a fight with the studio floor.

Posted by: Dorkus M. | July 10, 2008 10:59 AM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson demonstrates why her room is the most popular one in Australia's Big Brother House.

Posted by: b | July 10, 2008 11:00 AM | Report abuse

since she and tommy lee are hanging out again, she must be prepping for the impending spousal billabong visit

Posted by: **** | July 10, 2008 11:02 AM | Report abuse

Joining Pamela Anderson on "Celebrity Gymnast" are Mario Lopez, Janet Jones-Gretzky, Billy Idol, Eve Plumb, and Larry King. Sundays on CBS.

Posted by: td | July 10, 2008 11:03 AM | Report abuse

as a mean side comment, is that cellulite on the interior of her upper right leg?

Posted by: janet feels better about herself now | July 10, 2008 11:04 AM | Report abuse

Pam also wrote a novel, which burns me to no end, since I wrote a gem of a little book that no one ever f-ing buys. :)

Posted by: Phil | July 10, 2008 11:08 AM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson is headed for another marital split.

And to ***, unfortunately, I don't see anything hanging out in the picture.

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 10, 2008 11:09 AM | Report abuse

Her breasts were so heavy she just split in half.

Posted by: jackdmom | July 10, 2008 11:09 AM | Report abuse

(gaaak! quick, gimme that link to Lilo's sister's song - no! aaacck!)

Please Liz, make this stop...this is unusually cruel treatment of your devoted readers.

Posted by: former 21044 | July 10, 2008 11:10 AM | Report abuse

"I've fallen and I can't get up!... no seriously, Help me up. Lefty and Poncho always make it harder form me to get off the floor."

Posted by: Osteph | July 10, 2008 11:13 AM | Report abuse

I wonder if Britney can do this.

Posted by: Spikeville | July 10, 2008 11:14 AM | Report abuse

"Wow! She really can pick up a quater without using her hands."

Posted by: Rob | July 10, 2008 11:15 AM | Report abuse

"So you can make a fart noise with your armpit and your hand? That's nothing. Listen to this!"

Posted by: Osteph | July 10, 2008 11:15 AM | Report abuse

"I feel itchy. Oh, so itchy..."

Posted by: M Street | July 10, 2008 11:17 AM | Report abuse

Banana Split in Beaverville.

Posted by: CIA | July 10, 2008 11:17 AM | Report abuse

Continuing a tradition started by Pope John Paul II, who kissed the ground when he arrived in country, Pamela Anderson embraces Australia.

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 10, 2008 11:22 AM | Report abuse

"Challenge yourselves all the more by keeping your entries clean. If you shoot for PG, but manage a PG-13 I'll be happy."

Meanwhile, teenage male readers of Celebritology shoot for P.A. and make themselves happy.

Posted by: byoolin | July 10, 2008 11:23 AM | Report abuse

Boob Job: $10,000
Undo Boob Job: $20,000
Lip Job: $5,000

Knowing that your surgeon hasn't checked himself into a psych hospital just when you need more surgery: PRICELESS.

Posted by: byoolin guesses Hip Replacement: $30,000 | July 10, 2008 11:26 AM | Report abuse

Dang it Dorkus beat me to it. I was going to say Pam shows off her latest acquisition, spreadable Barbie legs.

She went down fast and easy enough it was the getting back up that proved to be challenging.

Posted by: petal, I could do that, if I were 10 again | July 10, 2008 11:27 AM | Report abuse

Lip Job: $5,000

Which lips are we talkin' 'bout here, Byoolin?

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 10, 2008 11:30 AM | Report abuse

Also born in July 1967 -- Will Ferrell, Vin Diesel, and Philip Seymour Hoffman. But can any of them do THIS?

Posted by: td | July 10, 2008 11:31 AM | Report abuse

Pam shows off her jumbo shrimps while doing the Barbie.

Posted by: L8yF8 | July 10, 2008 11:33 AM | Report abuse

"Later that night, Kid Rock got in a fight with the studio floor." --Dorkus M.

Excellent! Nicely done, Dorkus.

Posted by: td | July 10, 2008 11:34 AM | Report abuse

Pammy shows off her "U.S. citizenship" to jealous Australians.

Posted by: M Street | July 10, 2008 11:36 AM | Report abuse

1) Pamela Anderson proves yet again that she really is the human Barbie doll.

2) Shocked audience member, "I really wasn't expecting to see that much of Pamela!"

Posted by: lydacole | July 10, 2008 11:36 AM | Report abuse

Cleanup on aisle two!

Posted by: Zooey D. | July 10, 2008 11:50 AM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson adopts an interesting defense in fighting the indigenous Aussie urge to go walkabout.

Posted by: Neville Bell | July 10, 2008 11:53 AM | Report abuse

So this is what the world looks like as a Little Person!

Posted by: Munchkin #4 | July 10, 2008 11:56 AM | Report abuse

frankie spotted some dingleberries.

Posted by: from frankie's humble servant | July 10, 2008 11:57 AM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson demonstrates the answer to the question "Why do women have legs?"

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 10, 2008 11:59 AM | Report abuse

Mindful of the widening ozone hole above the Land of Oz, P. Anderson does her damndest to stick low to the ground.

Posted by: Maud A. | July 10, 2008 12:00 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson shows a shocked Australian audience another meaning of "down under."

Posted by: byoolin | July 10, 2008 12:00 PM | Report abuse

Some say air travel leads to constipation, and from her contorted facial expression recently arrived traveler Pam backs it up.

Posted by: JL Curtis | July 10, 2008 12:02 PM | Report abuse

For some reason I am reminded of a particular scene from the movie Talk To Her.

Posted by: Pedro | July 10, 2008 12:20 PM | Report abuse

Pam's interpretive dance impression of the line, "Once a jolly swagman sat beside a billabong," except she didn't know what either a swagman or a billabong was.

Posted by: Nosy Parker | July 10, 2008 12:34 PM | Report abuse

Confusion reigned on a Sydney talk show when the host asked animal-lover Pam Anderson if the audience could see her platypus.

Posted by: Jim | July 10, 2008 12:35 PM | Report abuse

Mindful of the widening ozone hole above the Land of Oz, P. Anderson does her damndest to stick low to the ground.

Posted by: Maud A. | July 10, 2008 12:00 PM
=======

Maud?

I think "stick" is the operative word here.

Posted by: Curmudgeon | July 10, 2008 12:36 PM | Report abuse

Hey Rob, picking up a quarter is a little optimistic, no? Silver dollar is more realistic.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 10, 2008 12:37 PM | Report abuse

Where's that jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag?

Posted by: possum | July 10, 2008 12:37 PM | Report abuse

Pam Anderson shows an Australian audience her secret method for keeping her didgeridoo in tune.

Posted by: Matilda | July 10, 2008 12:40 PM | Report abuse

Hey Rob, picking up a quarter is a little optimistic, no? Silver dollar is more realistic.

She's probably be happy to pick up the camera man...

Posted by: b | July 10, 2008 12:41 PM | Report abuse

And with one swift movement, Pamela quickly returns the baby Joey back into her 'pouch'.

Posted by: misplacedamerican | July 10, 2008 12:43 PM | Report abuse

Real women do the splits!

Posted by: Lulu | July 10, 2008 12:45 PM | Report abuse

Australia's custom officials leave no stone unturned in their search for Verne Troyer.

Posted by: M Street | July 10, 2008 12:47 PM | Report abuse

"Miss Anderson, when we said you'd really have to stretch yourself to win an Oscar, this is not what we had in mind."

Posted by: Bawlmer | July 10, 2008 12:52 PM | Report abuse

This was much easier in flats.

Posted by: Nosy Parker | July 10, 2008 12:55 PM | Report abuse

Having misheard the requests of her Australian hosts, Pam Anderson attempts to earn her citizenship as "a natural Hussy."

Posted by: Bawlmer again | July 10, 2008 12:58 PM | Report abuse

I think Matilda waltzed into the lead with her 12:40.

Posted by: byoolin | July 10, 2008 1:00 PM | Report abuse

Every now and then you just gotta air it out.

Posted by: Jim Treacher | July 10, 2008 1:01 PM | Report abuse

Pamela's impersonation of a suction cup.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 10, 2008 1:01 PM | Report abuse

The Lizard of Oz.

Posted by: Too ashamed to post my handle | July 10, 2008 1:02 PM | Report abuse

Apparently, "Vegemite sandwich" means something quite different to a person of Pamela's talents.

Posted by: Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive | July 10, 2008 1:08 PM | Report abuse

Actually her nickname is "Vegamite." She spreads for bread.

Posted by: possum | July 10, 2008 1:10 PM | Report abuse

Later that night, Kid Rock got in a fight with the studio floor.

Posted by: Dorkus M. | July 10, 2008 10:59 AM
****************************************
That made me spit sweet tea all over my computer screen

Posted by: Magnolia | July 10, 2008 1:11 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson, Human Roomba.

Posted by: byoolin | July 10, 2008 1:12 PM | Report abuse

Pam Anderson proves once and for all that she truly is a butterface

Posted by: Office Girl | July 10, 2008 1:12 PM | Report abuse

MILF. It does a body--- (No, wait, I just can't do it. Never mind.)

Posted by: td | July 10, 2008 1:13 PM | Report abuse

"No, she was on WKRP. I'm PAMELA Anderson. See? Recognize me now?"

Posted by: td | July 10, 2008 1:18 PM | Report abuse

"No, she was on WKRP. I'm PAMELA Anderson. See? Recognize me now?"

Posted by: td | July 10, 2008 1:18 PM

******************************************

I can't believe I got that reference.

Posted by: Dorkus | July 10, 2008 1:21 PM | Report abuse

It was at that moment when floor cleaner futures jumped in Australia.

Posted by: Dorkus M. | July 10, 2008 1:22 PM | Report abuse

"Pam Anderson shows off her flexibility during a recent Australian TV appearance (as if men needed yet another reason to fawn over her)."

Posted by: yumdonuts | July 10, 2008 1:23 PM | Report abuse

I hope my husband is not watching!

Posted by: Gues | July 10, 2008 1:27 PM | Report abuse

"I am Pam. Pam I am. I do so like splayed leg and gam."

Posted by: td is clearly overreaching with this one | July 10, 2008 1:28 PM | Report abuse

Pamela acting out how she thinks Aussies go walkabout in the Bush.

Posted by: Groovis | July 10, 2008 1:29 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson demonstrates the proper way to open a Foster's

Posted by: Dorkus M. | July 10, 2008 1:33 PM | Report abuse

What's that thing Australian's throw in the air and kinda looks like this?

Posted by: BC | July 10, 2008 1:35 PM | Report abuse

Pam Anderson, noted animal rights activist, shows how she would cross a billabong, without getting wet, to rescue a Joey who was being raised by the inmates of a penal colony for food. To make sure she wasn't seen, she would arrange to have the warden watch the Thorn Birds during the rescue.

Posted by: CRF | July 10, 2008 1:37 PM | Report abuse

Pamela finds herself in a sticky wicket.

Posted by: Groovis | July 10, 2008 1:40 PM | Report abuse

What does Pamela Anderson do when her kids get a cut or a bruise?

Posted by: Holy moly! | July 10, 2008 1:43 PM | Report abuse

Miley Cyrus in the year 2033.

Posted by: Zager & Evans | July 10, 2008 1:45 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson flexes her assets to silence critics and prove America's Got Talent.

Posted by: Red Dragon | July 10, 2008 1:53 PM | Report abuse

Put your left foot in, put your left foot out, put your left foot in and you shake it all about......

Sorry, couldn't come up with anything Australian to work into that. Need more grant money.

Posted by: ripariandweller | July 10, 2008 1:55 PM | Report abuse

Damn! Meant to say "leverages her assets"!

Posted by: Red Dragon | July 10, 2008 1:56 PM | Report abuse

Scene from the set of "Kill Billabong: Vol. 3", in which Bleach Mamba wills herself to wiggle, among other parts, her big toe.

Posted by: Go Go Yubari | July 10, 2008 2:11 PM | Report abuse

I FEEL SICK!!!

Posted by: Anonymous | July 10, 2008 2:15 PM | Report abuse

The slugs are back! The slugs are back!

Posted by: mjo | July 10, 2008 3:20 PM | Report abuse

Pity poor Joey. After staying up all night for a marathon viewing of the Thorn Birds, he put too much wax on the studio floor, causing Pam Anderson to do an impromtu Chuck Berry impersonation. Joey was shipped off to a penal colony, faster than you can say "billabong."

Posted by: That's me | July 10, 2008 3:29 PM | Report abuse

Pam Anderson auditioning for "Dancing With The Stars" Australian edition.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 10, 2008 3:30 PM | Report abuse

This might be "R." Pam auditions for the role of Big P----y in the Australian version of the Sopranos movie.

Posted by: Red Dragon | July 10, 2008 3:33 PM | Report abuse

Animal rights activist Pamela Anderson demonstrates her preferred methods of dealing with fleas in the carpet.

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 10, 2008 3:33 PM | Report abuse

Little Brandon Lee brings his mother to career day at his school.

Posted by: M Street | July 10, 2008 3:35 PM | Report abuse

Crikey, I'd like to walkabout that Australian bush!

Posted by: EricfromHollis | July 10, 2008 3:36 PM | Report abuse

"And here is a scale model of the new for-men-only Roomba--Pamela Anderson edition."

Posted by: jelo | July 10, 2008 3:38 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson tries on her new merkin.

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 10, 2008 3:41 PM | Report abuse

Ugh - this pic makes me feel like Cindy Brady after a night of not drinking wine.

Posted by: ex cap | July 10, 2008 3:44 PM | Report abuse

I can't come up with any kind of caption, but I keep thinking of those kids toys the weebles (- -weebles wobble, but they don't fall down- -). I can't help but picture somebody trying to knock her over, but she just sits there bobbing back and forth suction cupped to the ground in this position.

((shivers))

Posted by: flutterbyjen | July 10, 2008 3:44 PM | Report abuse

No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 10, 2008 4:06 PM | Report abuse

Yikes. I'll never go lesbo.

Posted by: Yuck | July 10, 2008 4:10 PM | Report abuse

The caption: Austrailia unveils its award-winning, highly effective ad-campaign warning against the dangers of Hepatitis to at-risk teens.

Posted by: ex cap | July 10, 2008 4:18 PM | Report abuse

Yes, Sas, like the Norwegian Blue, the Canadian Sexpot prefers kippin' on her back.

Posted by: byoolin purchased one from this very shop not half an hour ago. | July 10, 2008 4:28 PM | Report abuse

byoolin, there are 100 type spaces in the name field.

Posted by: I can count | July 10, 2008 4:31 PM | Report abuse

Asked to figure out the angle total of a 30-60-90 triangle, Pammie badly misinterprets the question, yet still manages to portray the correct answer.

Posted by: Martin Prince, Jr. | July 10, 2008 4:33 PM | Report abuse

This is a test. This is just a test.

Posted by: 1234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890 | July 10, 2008 4:39 PM | Report abuse

In a double cultural faux pas, Pam Anderson reenacts the film "Whale Rider" for her Australian hosts, mistaking both the country of origin as well as the non-porn subject matter of the film.

Posted by: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 | July 10, 2008 4:42 PM | Report abuse

Just a month before the Beijing Olympics, the US Womens Gymnastic team debuts one of its newest members, to counter charges that the sport only exists to exploit physicially vulnerable pre-pubescent girls.

Posted by: 44west | July 10, 2008 4:46 PM | Report abuse

I didn't have time to read everyone's comments -I'm sure they are good because there is so much material to work with...

And in an appearance on Australia's "Big Brother" Pam has revealed yet another skill
-- the ability to splay her legs across a TV studio floor while wearing nothing but a pillow case and a pair of 4-inch heels.

***
ok - now is it news that she can spread those legs? or is it news that she can do it with her clothes on?

Posted by: anonymous lurker | July 10, 2008 4:50 PM | Report abuse

..all the suction power of a hoover!

Posted by: JG | July 10, 2008 5:00 PM | Report abuse

..all the suction power of a hoover!

Posted by: JG | July 10, 2008 5:00 PM

That's the same thing I used to tell J. Edgar.

Posted by: Clyde Tolson | July 10, 2008 5:11 PM | Report abuse

I think we should add "riding the roomba" to the celebritology glossary....

Posted by: b | July 10, 2008 5:11 PM | Report abuse

"Oh my God. I was just standing there and an entire stage fell out of my @#&*!"

Posted by: Scott | July 10, 2008 5:36 PM | Report abuse

Pam, knowing that the former penal colony is still making up for lost time, spreads her Thorn Birds.

Posted by: MacBeth | July 10, 2008 5:47 PM | Report abuse

Can someone give my shoulder a push to break the suction?

Posted by: MadCap | July 10, 2008 6:21 PM | Report abuse

Please forgive me if these have already been said.

#1
To all little Joeys:
Kids, don't try this at home!
You'll get an ouchin in yer pouchin.
-Father Ralph


#2
Pamela uses her Baywatch skills to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Posted by: possum, who is pouched and understands, totally. | July 10, 2008 6:40 PM | Report abuse

Crikey! Too bad Steve isn't here to wrestle them jaws.

Posted by: possum, who has an idea for every glass of wine....so.. | July 10, 2008 6:43 PM | Report abuse

"In yet another mad dash to the altar, Pamela Anderson trips and damages her wedding collateral."

Posted by: CJB | July 10, 2008 6:45 PM | Report abuse

Yar, what a lovely placticated embiggened Sheila! Giver us a kiss, Luv.

Posted by: possum | July 10, 2008 6:46 PM | Report abuse

"To demonstrate the seriousness of her commitment to never wear fur, Pamela Anderson bears all to a camera down under."

Posted by: CJB | July 10, 2008 6:52 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson performs an exciting finale to her audition to become the fifth Wiggle.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | July 10, 2008 8:50 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson deftly sneaks in her endorsement for Human Tetris: Swinger's Edition.

Posted by: Thor | July 10, 2008 9:25 PM | Report abuse

What's that thing Australian's throw in the air and kinda looks like this?

Posted by: BC | July 10, 2008 1:35 PM

Do you mean a boomerang?

Posted by: CJB | July 10, 2008 10:38 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson is in the commercial for the new hands-free Tampax.

Posted by: Angela | July 11, 2008 12:00 AM | Report abuse

I really don't want to go Down Under any more.

Posted by: kjhop | July 11, 2008 7:01 AM | Report abuse

With a grimace of pain spread across her face, Pamela attempts one last time to dislodge the billabong that has been stuck in her penal colony since her last sex video.

Posted by: shh | July 11, 2008 7:40 AM | Report abuse

Pam scratches an itch in her penal colony.

Posted by: josefmahoney | July 11, 2008 8:39 AM | Report abuse

You can't see what she's sitting on, but it sure put a big smile on her face!

Posted by: TK | July 11, 2008 9:03 AM | Report abuse

Ms. Anderson celebrates Canada Day to joey-loving Aussies by demonstrating why Canada's national animal is the beaver.

Posted by: Red Dragon | July 11, 2008 9:21 AM | Report abuse

Place Joey in a foil-lined roasting pan. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Roast, covered, for half hour. After 30 minutes, uncover Joey and roast 30 minutes more until tender. Pour on water from billabong. Add plucked Thorn Birds with jellied eel. Serves eight at penal colony.

Posted by: Swedish Chef | July 11, 2008 12:59 PM | Report abuse

She just smiled and gave them a Vegemite sandwich.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 13, 2008 9:55 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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