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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 07/ 3/2008

In the Twilight Zone with Jess and Ush

By Liz Kelly

Jessica Simpson and co-star Ashley Ednar. (Image courtesy New Line Home Entertainment)

There are lots of things I'd never want to see combined -- bacon and Peach Schnapps, a hybrid shark/sloth (cuz it would be the slowest death ever), me and Diane Keaton in a Port-a-Jon. But last night's double dose of a couple of stale "Twilight Zone" episodes added two new and unexpectedly foul combinations to my list of abominations against nature:

1. Jessica Simpson and a house full of evil Barbie dolls (watch here), and

2. Usher smoothly doing battle with a pimp stalking him from beyond the grave.

To be fair, the episodes originally aired in 2003 and 2002, respectively, so these shows are neither new nor particularly noteworthy. Unless you, like me, happen to make a study of poorly-executed celebrity cameos. We have syndication-loving MyNetwork to thank for keeping these shows alive. And reminding us that Oscar winner Forest Whitaker -- obviously in a career slump early on in the new millenium -- played host to the updated, yet utterly unloveable, version of the pioneering sci-fi show.

I won't bother to go into plot synopses. They truly didn't matter anyway. Each back-to-back half-hour episode was merely a test of the guest star's ability to carry 22 minutes of air time (Usher: C; Jess: F-) and the viewer's endurance (I passed, which I think may be failing in this case). I almost expected narrator Forest to reemerge at the end of each vignette to say, "What you've just seen was the crappiest TV ever made. Yet you watched. And I got paid. As did papa Joe Simpson and Usher's manager mom, Jonnetta Patton. Suckers!" Then he would run out of frame, jump into a BMW and speed off to France to bask in the warmth of Jerry Lewis-like adoration.

Usher's acting wasn't completely horrible. He's actually got a tidy little resume of screen credits ("The Faculty," "She's All That" and guest spots on TV shows from "Moesha" to "Sabrina the Teenage Witch.") The baby-faced crooner held his own despite being weighed down by a script fraught with stereotypes -- of both the racial and "ho" variety (prostitutes wear boas, okay?) -- and production values reminiscent of bargain bin soft porn.

Jessica Simpson, on the other hand, demonstrated exactly why she's fallen like a 20-ton stone from the heights of box office marketing ("Dukes of Hazzard") to the straight-to-DVD pile ("Blonde Ambition"). Being out-acted by a brigade of demonic Barbie dolls helped her to develop the deer-in-the-headlights acting method she used to such great effect as Daisy Duke. The girl just can't act. Luckily, she can console herself with her recent distinction of having the best breasts in Hollwyood. And, it's true, neither I nor the discerning Mr. Liz had any complaints about their performance.

By Liz Kelly  | July 3, 2008; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Miscellaneous, TV  
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Comments

Demonic Barbies! Who called it? I called it!

Posted by: Bawlmer | July 3, 2008 10:58 AM | Report abuse

Jessica Simpson? No! Jennifer Love Hewitt! I'd switch teams for Jennifer Love Hewitt. I get a major feelings of inadequacy when I watch "Ghost Whisperer." (which I ONLY watch to see when she's going to bust out a bed jacket or a 19th-century frock coat. For serious)

Posted by: o.l. | July 3, 2008 11:11 AM | Report abuse

To be fair to Forest Whitaker, this was well before he got his oscar when he was making movies like Phone Booth and First Daughter. I mean the man's gotta eat.

Posted by: Dorkus M. | July 3, 2008 11:12 AM | Report abuse

"Jessica Simpson and a house full of evil Barbie dolls" -- assuming Jessica was inside the house, her name within that sentence is redundant.

Posted by: td | July 3, 2008 11:20 AM | Report abuse

Jessica Simpson is a big boob who happens to have nice big breasts. She's ready and on call for any dumb blonde movie role that comes open.

td, you beat me to the redundancy comment.

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 3, 2008 11:30 AM | Report abuse

First things first: bacon & peach schnapps sounds delicious! Not as good as bacon schnapps, obviously, but numnums nonetheless.

Second things second: Jessica Simpson doesn't even have the best breasts in the Simpson family - she's at least fourth, or sixth if you count Lisa and Homer.

And that story that ranked them - what miserable halfwit SOB does a story like that and doesn't link to any pictures? They need a Producer Paul even more badly than they need a qualified breast man.

They even botched the lede: it says, "Jessica Simpson has beat off competition from the Jennifer Aniston and Lindsay Lohan to come out on top in a poll to find Hollywood's best breasts."

The truth: replace "has" with "was picked in a" and "from the" with "over."


Posted by: byoolin is off to suck back a few bacon-flavoured slippery nipples. And to drink. | July 3, 2008 11:45 AM | Report abuse

What about Christina Aguilera? Not only does she have bodacious breasts, she can actually sing.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 3, 2008 11:59 AM | Report abuse

I have to avoid any and all things jessica simpson. it just ticks me off that there are so many starving actors who are more deserving of a shot than she. having a pushy father (or mother) should not qualify you for stardom.

Posted by: b | July 3, 2008 12:09 PM | Report abuse

I don't think the point of this particular "competition" was who could sing.

However, if the search was on for Best Lungs in Hollywood, Best Singer Who Can Take a Simple Melody and Completely Render It Over-the-Top and Unrecognizable, and/or Best Scarily Unnatural Orange Skin in Hollywood, surely Christina would've topped the list(s).

Posted by: td | July 3, 2008 12:12 PM | Report abuse

So true, td. Just sayin' that Xtina has actual talent, far above and beyond her looks (more than can be said of JS).

Posted by: Anonymous | July 3, 2008 12:18 PM | Report abuse

Let's not get nasty Byoolin. Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Lindsey Lohan and beat off all in the same post makes me think of my teen years if you know what I mean.

Posted by: dw | July 3, 2008 12:20 PM | Report abuse

Anyone else think that was supposed to be "beat OUT"?

In the name of Elisha Cuthbert, I declare that list absolute rubbish.

Posted by: Producer Paul | July 3, 2008 12:21 PM | Report abuse

Agreed (re: Christina Aguilera's talent); I'd actually forgotten for a second that Jessica also had a singing career in addition to her, um, acting.

DW, thanks for posting what I couldn't bring myself to do from here at work.

Posted by: td | July 3, 2008 12:27 PM | Report abuse

The EntertainmentWise page has links to photos shows of other celebrity breasts. My favorite -- for the caption -- "Random Party Guest." Aesthetic quality is C-, and I'm not referring to cup size. ehhhhhhh....

There is also a link to celebrity nipple shots. A short tour throuhg there persuaded me that the shows should have been titled Celebrity Skanque Shots. Ugh! I feel like I need a shower....more than usual, anyway.

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 3, 2008 12:30 PM | Report abuse

Skanque breasts and Sasquatch in the shower?

Run away! Run away!

Posted by: Curmudgeon | July 3, 2008 12:42 PM | Report abuse

They are fantastic.

Posted by: Arlington, VA | July 3, 2008 12:43 PM | Report abuse

Liz and Producer Paul,

Is there a similar 'Best Chest' competition for men that you could report on? I have my opinion on the best breasts, but would really rather look at the competitors for Best Chest.

Oh, maybe I should just go back to the hot Italian soccer star link from a couple of days ago.

Posted by: B'More Cat and Chest Lover | July 3, 2008 12:46 PM | Report abuse

b'more:
you could just go look for video of the olympic swimming trials...

Posted by: b | July 3, 2008 12:59 PM | Report abuse

sorry i've been awol. works nutz... next week OOT on work travel... in the mean time, dream of Zidane...

Posted by: LTL | July 3, 2008 1:03 PM | Report abuse

Two words, boys: Scarlett Johanssen.

Posted by: BxNY | July 3, 2008 1:47 PM | Report abuse

You said it BxNY (Just change that second e to an o): http://thebitterpilluk.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/scarlett-johansson2.jpg

Posted by: omni | July 3, 2008 2:26 PM | Report abuse

Omni, Scarlett (in the link you sent) looks like she needs a make-over. Are there any volunteers to give her a facial?

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 3, 2008 3:17 PM | Report abuse

I don't think we have the real Sasquatch posting today. When has he cared about facials? This is ScarJo we're talking about and he's focused on facials. I find this suspicious.

Posted by: Call me crazy but | July 3, 2008 3:28 PM | Report abuse

Since there's no blog tomorrow, here's this week's update of the "Celebrity Universe Unabashed Glossary of Terms":

CELEBRITOLOGY UNIVERSE
Unabashed Glossary of Terms

Andy - the official kitty of the Celebritology Universe
Bagging the viper - vulgar synonym for "knockin' boots" (see below)
Barfishious - describes the type of thoughts one has when contemplating Verne Troyer's sex video
Blowback - non-Lizard snark
Booby Kennedy Day (BKD) - a bodacious afternoon at the Celebritology Hut
Boyzillion - the entire area of one's privacies after waxing (see "yetzillion" below)
Byoolin - the Babe Ruth (in a good way) of the Celebritology Universe
Carm down - a warning that is issued when passions rise too precipitously
Celebuspawn - what comes out when a celebrity foals
Cheetoes - what all B-list celebrity babies, and wannababies, are wearing this season
Clint Eastwood - grumpy old man
"Cogito ergo perfututa" - the official motto of the Celebrity Universe
Commando raid - mischief effected by a band of Lizards, sometimes includes a rescue ladder
Contrafribularities - (1) apologies, consolation; (2) congratulations, applause, etc.
Cromulent - excellent, realistic, authentic
Cruisiness - the most obvious characteristic of a massive wierdo
DB Cooper - Sasquatch's former and much missed neighbor
Dingleberry waffles and Moose Turd Pie - the official brunch of the Celebri-Lizard Olympic Team
Doing the Funky Wiggle - what happens when LiLo breaks the one-at-a-time rule
Embiggen - to enlarge; to flesh-out (i.e., the results a boob job)
Empress Tea Lobby - the Lizard version of the Algonquin Round Table
Fatty - one who needs to carm down
Frumpy - to look like Rumer Wills wearing that slouchy beret thingy
Gecko - Curmudgeon's super secret undercover Lizard alias
Geigh - what Clay may or may not be; a cinaedus
Getting chocked up - what happens to Lizards when learning of their first ruined keyboard
Harangue the hairy one - this has something to do with Sasquatch
Harshing the snark - critiquing and otherwise criticizing Celebritology comments
Hater - someone with an opinion that differs from your own
Hirsute - what Sasquatch is (aka Prince Hairy); a crytid
http://tinyurl.com/3zpqg4 - official URL of the Celebritology Universe
Incestupus - (1) the appearance of being incestuous (cf, Billy Ray Cyrus and daughter, Miley Ray Cyrus, in the "Vanity Fair" photo spread); (2) what you call Miley's relationship with Billy Ray if you want to incite another BKD (see Booby Kennedy Day, above)
Kitchen pass - what a Lizard gets from the so/spouse to indulge in flights of bootylicious fancy about certain celebrity members of the opposite sex (geigh or neigh)
Knockin' boots - (1) bagging the viper; (2) celebrities being snarked
Knockin' Ferragamos - the same as knockin' boots only done by wealthy Italians (see above)
LiLo leggings - a part of the Lizard Commando Unit's uniform generally worn while going up the rescue ladder; most distinctive features are the padded knee pads and easy-open crotch seam
Lizard - a denizen of the Celebritology Universe
Loh-blivious - a totally clueless Lizard
Luvlinsey - doesn't know how to spell linDsAy
Mean Mommy (MM) - a regular on the OP blog
Merkin - a larger, less refined, second cousin to a tumbleweave (see "tumbleweave" below)
Methinks - the Lizard with the initial pony fixation
Mr Liz - beloved consort of Queen Liz and co-keeper of the Kelly menagerie; it is thought that Mr Liz has the good sense to stay away from the Lizards
Neck-to-knee - Clay's personal grooming secret
Opracity - the extent to which a media figure tries to insert themselves into every aspect of popular culture (e.g., "Paris Hilton, while totally untalented, maintains an Opracity of 96 percent.")
Page - the official pup of the Celebritology Universe
Peep show - what the Thursday Celebritology Chat becomes after an hour of dueling hot links
Photo spread - what Britney and Paris provide onlookers when exiting from an auto
Platicated - what Katie Holmes seems to be in more recent times (i.e., the results of a nose job)
Pony - what every Lizard really really really wants (would be a unicorn if it had a horn in the middle of its forehead)
Pornorific - self-explanatory
Privacies - that which can remain protected by a pair of LiLo leggings (unless the crotch seam gives way)
Propper nacked - showing more skin than Miley Cyrus did in the "Vanity Fair" photo spread
Shamued - being squashed by a killer whale falling from a great height; a celebrity after being publicly humiliated (shamed)
Shibbi/shibby - hot, cool, partying, or wasted
Skank - a streetwalker
Skanque - (1) a call girl; (2) a French streetwalker
Skeleboobs - aka Victoria Posh Spice Beckham (see also TOAS)
Snark - clever but keenly disparaging remarks about another organization, custom, or person (especially a celebrity)
Snarkfest - the Celebritology posting media
Snark tank - where a deserving celebrity is sent to be snarked limb from limb
Snarky - the essence of a clever, glib observation made by a Lizard
Speedos - snarky synonym for male privacies when seen on a beach or around a pool
Televizzle - where one watches that Pekinese rescue league thing
Texting 'Tweener Tw*t (TTT) - (1) ignorant middleschooler; (2) ignorant grownup
The Perfect Beckham - a six-pack and a brat
TOAS - T**'s On A Stick (see also Skeleboobs)
"Troiana lacerta matribus contumeliosis tradita, pax restituta est." - breaking news announcement from the Lizard Post Organizer
Trojan Lizard - a cunning and artful Commando device used to infiltrate suspect territory; recently captured and taken to an undisclosed location awaiting ransom
Tumbleweave - an erstwhile hair extension living on its own in the big city; a smaller, more refined, second cousin to a merkin (see "merkin" above)
Unchoreographed flame - (1) an event in a John Woo film reminiscent of the campfire scene in "Blazing Saddles"; (2) any unexpected event
Wrestling the taco - something that Mrs Hogan might want her new boy toy to do
Yetzillion - the entire area of a cryptid's privacies after waxing (see "boyzillion" above)

Posted by: Curmudgeon | July 3, 2008 3:31 PM | Report abuse

Crazy but, there is more than one meaning to "facial."

Posted by: Sasquatch | July 3, 2008 3:36 PM | Report abuse

Since there's no blog tomorrow, here's this week's update of the "Celebrity Universe Unabashed Glossary of Terms":

CELEBRITOLOGY UNIVERSE
Unabashed Glossary of Terms

Andy - the official kitty of the Celebritology Universe
Bagging the viper - vulgar synonym for "knockin' boots" (see below)
Barfishious - describes the type of thoughts one has when contemplating Verne Troyer's sex video
Blowback - non-Lizard snark
Booby Kennedy Day (BKD) - a bodacious afternoon at the Celebritology Hut
Boyzillion - the entire area of one's privacies after waxing (see "yetzillion" below)
Byoolin - the Babe Ruth (in a good way) of the Celebritology Universe
Carm down - a warning that is issued when passions rise too precipitously
Celebuspawn - what comes out when a celebrity foals
Cheetoes - what all B-list celebrity babies, and wannababies, are wearing this season
Clint Eastwood - grumpy old man
"Cogito ergo perfututa" - the official motto of the Celebrity Universe
Commando raid - mischief effected by a band of Lizards, sometimes includes a rescue ladder
Contrafribularities - (1) apologies, consolation; (2) congratulations, applause, etc.
Cromulent - excellent, realistic, authentic
Cruisiness - the most obvious characteristic of a massive wierdo
DB Cooper - Sasquatch's former and much missed neighbor
Dingleberry waffles and Moose Turd Pie - the official brunch of the Celebri-Lizard Olympic Team
Doing the Funky Wiggle - what happens when LiLo breaks the one-at-a-time rule
Embiggen - to enlarge; to flesh-out (i.e., the results a boob job)
Empress Tea Lobby - the Lizard version of the Algonquin Round Table
Fatty - one who needs to carm down
Frumpy - to look like Rumer Wills wearing that slouchy beret thingy
Gecko - Curmudgeon's super secret undercover Lizard alias
Geigh - what Clay may or may not be; a cinaedus
Getting chocked up - what happens to Lizards when learning of their first ruined keyboard
Harangue the hairy one - this has something to do with Sasquatch
Harshing the snark - critiquing and otherwise criticizing Celebritology comments
Hater - someone with an opinion that differs from your own
Hirsute - what Sasquatch is (aka Prince Hairy); a crytid
http://tinyurl.com/3zpqg4 - official URL of the Celebritology Universe
Incestupus - (1) the appearance of being incestuous (cf, Billy Ray Cyrus and daughter, Miley Ray Cyrus, in the "Vanity Fair" photo spread); (2) what you call Miley's relationship with Billy Ray if you want to incite another BKD (see Booby Kennedy Day, above)
Kitchen pass - what a Lizard gets from the so/spouse to indulge in flights of bootylicious fancy about certain celebrity members of the opposite sex (geigh or neigh)
Knockin' boots - (1) bagging the viper; (2) celebrities being snarked
Knockin' Ferragamos - the same as knockin' boots only done by wealthy Italians (see above)
LiLo leggings - a part of the Lizard Commando Unit's uniform generally worn while going up the rescue ladder; most distinctive features are the padded knee pads and easy-open crotch seam
Lizard - a denizen of the Celebritology Universe
Loh-blivious - a totally clueless Lizard
Luvlinsey - doesn't know how to spell linDsAy
Mean Mommy (MM) - a regular on the OP blog
Merkin - a larger, less refined, second cousin to a tumbleweave (see "tumbleweave" below)
Methinks - the Lizard with the initial pony fixation
Mr Liz - beloved consort of Queen Liz and co-keeper of the Kelly menagerie; it is thought that Mr Liz has the good sense to stay away from the Lizards
Neck-to-knee - Clay's personal grooming secret
Opracity - the extent to which a media figure tries to insert themselves into every aspect of popular culture (e.g., "Paris Hilton, while totally untalented, maintains an Opracity of 96 percent.")
Page - the official pup of the Celebritology Universe
Peep show - what the Thursday Celebritology Chat becomes after an hour of dueling hot links
Photo spread - what Britney and Paris provide onlookers when exiting from an auto
Platicated - what Katie Holmes seems to be in more recent times (i.e., the results of a nose job)
Pony - what every Lizard really really really wants (would be a unicorn if it had a horn in the middle of its forehead)
Pornorific - self-explanatory
Privacies - that which can remain protected by a pair of LiLo leggings (unless the crotch seam gives way)
Propper nacked - showing more skin than Miley Cyrus did in the "Vanity Fair" photo spread
Shamued - being squashed by a killer whale falling from a great height; a celebrity after being publicly humiliated (shamed)
Shibbi/shibby - hot, cool, partying, or wasted
Skank - a streetwalker
Skanque - (1) a call girl; (2) a French streetwalker
Skeleboobs - aka Victoria Posh Spice Beckham (see also TOAS)
Snark - clever but keenly disparaging remarks about another organization, custom, or person (especially a celebrity)
Snarkfest - the Celebritology posting media
Snark tank - where a deserving celebrity is sent to be snarked limb from limb
Snarky - the essence of a clever, glib observation made by a Lizard
Speedos - snarky synonym for male privacies when seen on a beach or around a pool
Televizzle - where one watches that Pekinese rescue league thing
Texting 'Tweener Tw*t (TTT) - (1) ignorant middleschooler; (2) ignorant grownup
The Perfect Beckham - a six-pack and a brat
TOAS - T**'s On A Stick (see also Skeleboobs)
"Troiana lacerta matribus contumeliosis tradita, pax restituta est." - breaking news announcement from the Lizard Post Organizer
Trojan Lizard - a cunning and artful Commando device used to infiltrate suspect territory; recently captured and taken to an undisclosed location awaiting ransom
Tumbleweave - an erstwhile hair extension living on its own in the big city; a smaller, more refined, second cousin to a merkin (see "merkin" above)
Unchoreographed flame - (1) an event in a John Woo film reminiscent of the campfire scene in "Blazing Saddles"; (2) any unexpected event
Wrestling the taco - something that Mrs Hogan might want her new boy toy to do
Yetzillion - the entire area of a cryptid's privacies after waxing (see "boyzillion" above)

Posted by: Curmudgeon | July 3, 2008 3:36 PM | Report abuse

Soooooo sorry - I didn't intend to post twice.

Posted by: curmudgeon | July 3, 2008 3:37 PM | Report abuse

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/06/AR2005070601374.html

"The Life & Death of a Scientologist
After 13 Years and Thousands Of Dollars, Lisa McPherson Finally Went 'Clear.' Then She Went Insane" By Richard Leiby

Thanks for the link on the chat, Liz

Posted by: Anonymous | July 3, 2008 3:46 PM | Report abuse

Nosy Parker, much love for the shout-out in today's chat. Where should I send the check?

Posted by: Bawlmer is thisclose to a pitcher of mojitos. | July 3, 2008 4:03 PM | Report abuse

Bawlmer, you'll notice that Curmudgeon added your coinage to the Dictionary. We'll both stop by for mojitos next time we're in Charm City, OK?

Posted by: Nosy Parker | July 3, 2008 4:33 PM | Report abuse

Okay, this is cruel, but I laughed and laughed and laughed.

First, look at the picture:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/00683/ed-amywinehouse4_683651n.jpg

Then come back here and see the next post.

Posted by: byoolin | July 3, 2008 4:34 PM | Report abuse

I survived. Did I miss much?

My contribution? I have long referred to Jessica Simpson as "The Breasts." I love being ahead of the curve - especially on exams.

Posted by: ep | July 3, 2008 4:37 PM | Report abuse

In the slideshow on the Telegraph.co.uk website, the photo was captioned "Amy Winehouse, out with a botched clone experiment."


(It's image #25 at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2200163/Celebrity-sightings-gallery.html. Also note the aptonymically-named subject of the first photo.)

Posted by: byoolin realizes he's a mere amateur in the caption contests. | July 3, 2008 4:38 PM | Report abuse

Byoolin, perhaps this will help.

http://www.slate.com/id/2192564

"How To Win the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest: A champion reveals the recipe for victory."

Posted by: Nosy Parker | July 3, 2008 4:48 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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