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Posted at 10:35 AM ET, 08/ 5/2008

Reality Check: Pam Anderson and P. Diddy, On the Loose and in Need of Assistance

By Liz Kelly

Update: We're taking down our backend blog software today at Noon ET for some sorely needed upgrading. While you already knew that the comments function will be affected, it looks like I won't be able to post either. So expect nothing new from this end until sometime late tomorrow afternoon. See you on the other side. -- Liz

---


Pam Anderson in all her grainy glory. (Image courtesy E!)

Reality is getting -- dare we say it? -- old. Or maybe I'm just thinking of Pam Anderson, subject of one of the latest additions to the reality ouvre in E!'s "Girl on the Loose." How old is she? Old enough for someone -- perhaps Pam, perhaps her management, perhaps nervous network suits -- to realize that it would be better for all involved if the show was shot in a grainy halftone, rendering Pam's shopworn face and figure virtually un-seeable. More on that later.

A plague of fading stars and one shamelessly self-promoting Hamptons-party-scene-staple-cum-fashion-designer have been unleashed on the cable airwaves in the past few days. Because Viacom -- parent company of E!, VH1 and MTV among others -- hasn't yet met a cash-hungry B-lister they haven't liked, we have been treated -- in the past 48 hours alone -- to glimpses of what passes as reality for Pam Anderson, P. Diddy, Luke Skywalker and, like a bad penny that keeps turning up, New York (aka Tiffany Pollard).

I have to confess right now that I watched Pam and Diddy, but hit my personal limit about five minutes into "New York Goes to Hollywood." (I could tell because I was simultaneously hyperventilating and thinking that maybe hitting myself in the head with a two-by-four would be a nice change of pace.) It's possible that by next week I'll have recovered sufficiently to have a go at "Luke's Parental Advisory" -- a 30-minute tour-de-farce that finds the 2 Live Crew's ("Me So Horny") Luke Skywalker dispensing parenting advice.

Much more, after the jump...

(Reminder: Starting at Noon ET, washingtonpost.com is turning off comments on several blogs, including this one, to allow for some software upgrades and other maintenance. Blog entries and comments are expected to resume by late Wednesday afternoon.)

Pam Anderson: Girl on the Loose
Not since "The Anna Nicole Show" has a busty blond revealed herself to be a ditz of such massive proportions. Pam, while prepping for a photo shoot, cooking with mom, and organizing an estate sale to benefit PETA, reveals herself to be all boobs and no brain. She flashes the same vacant smile while talking to her surfer/screenwriter brother (who bears an eerie resemblance in manner to ex Tommy Lee) as she does when Hugh Hefner gingerly grabs her chest by way of greeting at a Las Vegas party.

As mentioned earlier, the footage is grainy -- as if shot on a digitized 8mm camera covered with a hairnet. Which makes it a wee bit difficult to see Pam's leather-like visage, but still clear enough to wonder at what kind of woman stockpiles 20 mattresses and enough bikinis to outfit every Olympic athlete in Beijing in a storage facility. To further push you along towards a break with reality, the footage is edited together with often overlapping scenes -- like some kind of burlesque outtake from "The Doors" movie or "Woodstock." Very trippy. Topping it all off are Pam's written comments -- penned over the screen with one of those NFL-style screen markers in hot pink pixels. Over footage of Pam at a topless photo shoot, she writes: "Hot Sexy Bitch."

Final Judgment: Hot Sexy Mess
Would I Watch Again: No


Will someone please help this man? (Image courtesy VH1)

I Want to Work for Diddy
After 30 minutes of watching Pam Anderson try, and fail, to be interesting Diddy's take on "The Apprentice" was almost refreshing. "Almost" because about 10 minutes in the formula and conflict for the remainder of the season were transparently revealed. Like "Apprentice's" first season, "IWTWFD" has identified a villain in the form of loud-mouthed, ruthless archetype Kim, who calls her self "PO-prah," and spent most of the show bossing around her team and calling them "unprofessional." While the team members all voted for her speedy removal she was, of course, kept and will no doubt hang on until at least the penultimate episode to keep the tension at the appropriate reality drama level.

Diddy himself doesn't appear much in the show, which is presided over by a trio representing his inner circle -- two Bad Boy execs and his fey stylist. Diddy is mainly interjected in the form of pre-recorded sound bites in which he models himself as the head of vast James Bond-meets-Microsoft empire and doles out cryptic warnings like this:

"An assistant once came to my office and said he was tired. And I said, 'What rhymes with tired?'"

Or:

"We don't retreat at Bad Boy."
(What? Even if the ants keep coming back?)

Still, it is mildly interesting to glimpse the inner workings of Sean Combs's undeniably robust empire and the motivation and self-love evident in the producer turned rapper turned multi-faceted money-maker who describes himself as "one of the world's most respected designers."

Final Judgment: What rhymes with cormulaic?
Would I Watch Again: Sure, if I was sick and maybe the only other option was "A Baby Story."

If you missed any of the above, relax -- full episodes are available online.

By Liz Kelly  | August 5, 2008; 10:35 AM ET
Categories:  Reality Check  
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Comments

Geez, didn't Dave Chappelle already do a spoof on "I Want To Work For Diddy"? And I'm reminded of Aaron McGruder's "Boondocks" comic strip that ran a week-long story about a Russell Simmons Apprentice-style reality show called "Can a N--a Get a Job?" Prescient, cutting, and funny as hell.

I hope someone gets in a knife fight on Diddy's show.

Posted by: 23112 | August 5, 2008 10:47 AM | Report abuse

I only half watched the Pam Anderson show - the grainy shooting and her writing random words on the screen made it too annoying to watch. Was disappointed, to be honest.

And for the love of God, will New York please go away!

Posted by: Betty | August 5, 2008 10:51 AM | Report abuse

This post reminds me why I resist the urge to upgrade from basic cable.

Posted by: byoolin would have titled this post "T*** and A**". | August 5, 2008 10:54 AM | Report abuse

liz, i'm upset with u since u nevr did any of theese recaps about dina and alli's show on e. it was wondrful and now its done for the seazon. u missed out on a gr8 show!

Posted by: luvlinsey | August 5, 2008 10:54 AM | Report abuse

Sorry luvlinsey. I'll catch Dina and Ali next time around.

Posted by: Liz Kelly | August 5, 2008 11:00 AM | Report abuse

This post reminds me why I resist the urge to upgrade from basic cable.

Posted by: byoolin

Heck, I don't even have basic cable, and resist the urge to watch "reality" shows on (free) broadcast TV.

Posted by: Anonymous | August 5, 2008 11:01 AM | Report abuse

I feel sorry for the guys over at the E! network, always trying to find something to fill the time besides reruns of the The Soup.

Posted by: Dorkus | August 5, 2008 11:01 AM | Report abuse

Maybe the supply of TV programs worth watching have long since exceeded the demand?

Posted by: will the free market sort it out? | August 5, 2008 11:03 AM | Report abuse

luvlinsey,
It was a great show, fantastic, incredible, --- oh wait, I never watched a minute of it.

Sorry

Posted by: luvlinsey too | August 5, 2008 11:05 AM | Report abuse

Pam's show is titled 'Girl on the Loose'? In what alternate universe would Pam qualify as a 'girl'? She personifies my new favorite expression, she looks tore up from the floor up.

Posted by: jes | August 5, 2008 11:06 AM | Report abuse

True, jes, but I think they nailed it with the "loose" part.

Posted by: 23112 | August 5, 2008 11:13 AM | Report abuse

no comments after noon? How am I supposed to waste my day away without the witty snarky banter?

Posted by: That guy | August 5, 2008 11:18 AM | Report abuse

I still would like to know what the outcome of the software upgraade might be.

Liz? Do you know?

Posted by: Curmudgeon | August 5, 2008 11:27 AM | Report abuse

"We don't retreat at Bad Boy."
********
This brings to mind the line from "The Hudsucker Proxy" (must viewing in our household).
Paul Newman as Sidney Mussberger to Tim Robbins as Norville Barnes, who was sliding around the floor of the office with a garbage can filled with flames jammed on his foot:
"Get up! We don't crawl here at Hudsucker Industries!"

Posted by: methinks | August 5, 2008 11:30 AM | Report abuse

I love the Hudsucker Proxy.

Sure, sure.

Posted by: Dorkus | August 5, 2008 11:32 AM | Report abuse

Girl on the Loose??
Girl???
They're using a very 'loose' definition of 'girl' over at Viacom these days.

Posted by: methinks | August 5, 2008 11:32 AM | Report abuse

Well, luv is asking for it. That should be a fun day.

If anyone is going to get into a fight on Diddy's show it would be with Glocks at 10 paces. of course, no one would be able to shoot straight anyway after beign so awed by Puff Daddy's charisma...er...P Diddy's cologne.....ummmm.....Sean's ego?

Posted by: EricS | August 5, 2008 11:32 AM | Report abuse

Folks:

Just a reminder that The Post will shut down comments in about 20 minutes for blog maintenance. Blogs are expected to return late Wednesday. On Parenting will add new posts on Thursday morning.

Posted by: Stacey Garfinkle | August 5, 2008 11:43 AM

Posted by: Anonymous | August 5, 2008 11:45 AM | Report abuse

"We don't retreat at Bad Boy."

What the heck are they constantly fighting a war? I don't get the use of retreat. I want to lodge a complaint aginst VH1 for giving Puff yet another forum to promote himself.

Jes, I wondered the same thing about Pam when I read the title. My favorite expression when referencing Pam is "rode hard and hung up wet"

Posted by: petal | August 5, 2008 11:48 AM | Report abuse

That's supposed to be against.

Posted by: petal, here's hoping spell check is a new feature. | August 5, 2008 11:50 AM | Report abuse

Bye everyone!! Read you tomorrow in the late afternoon if everything goes right with the upgrade.

Posted by: methinks | August 5, 2008 11:52 AM | Report abuse

I love the Hudsucker Proxy.

Sure, sure.

Posted by: Dorkus | August 5, 2008 11:32 AM
*******

Yay! Long live the Hud!

Posted by: methinks | August 5, 2008 11:54 AM | Report abuse

Testing comments ...

Posted by: Bob Greiner | August 6, 2008 7:08 AM | Report abuse

Test

Posted by: ks | August 6, 2008 8:44 AM | Report abuse

I sure hope this comment posts because it is SO important.

Posted by: Liz Kelly | August 6, 2008 11:43 AM | Report abuse

Liz come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Posted by: NW DC | August 6, 2008 3:07 PM | Report abuse

Wow. Take the blog software down the day Paris Hilton makes me eat my words about her intellect.

I had to take my "Owe, The Humanity!" moment to my own durn blarg, Liz Kelly.

Someone in IT owes you a very nice lunch.

Posted by: byoolin can't believe your timing. | August 6, 2008 3:13 PM | Report abuse

But it's very nice to see you back.

Posted by: byoolin | August 6, 2008 3:18 PM | Report abuse

I can post comments again! I was really starting to get the withdrawal shakes bad.

Posted by: Dorkus | August 6, 2008 3:27 PM | Report abuse

paris hilton for preisdent! paris alredy ben in 2 comershels.

Posted by: luvparis | August 6, 2008 3:29 PM | Report abuse

We don't retreat at Bad Boy -

That made me think of my dad's personal motto. When he was in the army, he was assigned to the typewriter repair squad (it was in the 50s) and their company motto was "Never retreat.....backspace!" He would shout that to us kids like he was Gen. Patton all the time when we were growing up - its still makes me smile!

Posted by: Theo | August 6, 2008 3:29 PM | Report abuse

Wow, that was a rough 24 hours.

Posted by: Dorkus | August 6, 2008 3:31 PM | Report abuse

I suffered separation anxiety. I'm better now.

Posted by: jsk | August 6, 2008 3:31 PM | Report abuse

I'm sorry. I was busy judging the Miss Buffalo Chip contest at Stergis. What's this about a Paris Hilton video?

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | August 6, 2008 3:38 PM | Report abuse

I'm sorry. I was busy judging the Miss Buffalo Chip contest at Stergis. What's this about a Paris Hilton video?

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | August 6, 2008 3:41 PM | Report abuse

MoCo, is it true Cindy had an unfair advantage because she was driven to the event in one of her refrigerated trucks?

Posted by: byoolin | August 6, 2008 3:49 PM | Report abuse

BREAKING CAR CRASH NEWS:
And don't tell me you didn't see this one coming, considering he was in the car with a woman who is not his wife.

Morgan Freeman's getting a divorce.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | August 6, 2008 3:50 PM | Report abuse

BREAKING CAR CRASH NEWS:
And don't tell me you didn't see this one coming, considering he was in the car with a woman who is not his wife.

Morgan Freeman's getting a divorce.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | August 6, 2008 3:53 PM | Report abuse

Refresh is my friend, no?

I think our new software is still a little buggy.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky, hates repeating | August 6, 2008 3:56 PM | Report abuse

I think our new software is still a little buggy.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky, hates repeating | August 6, 2008 3:56 PM

***********************************

It does seem to be on the slow side.

Posted by: Dorkus | August 6, 2008 3:59 PM | Report abuse

The headline of the Paris Hilton rebuttal on yahoo:

"Paris Hilton issues tart rebuttal to McCain ad"

You said Paris Hilton and tart in the same sentence!

Posted by: Sasquatch brings you the headlines | August 6, 2008 4:01 PM | Report abuse

Thank you National Enquirer for taking away one of the last ways politicians had of humanizing themselves: holding babies.

Now all that's left them is trading videos on YouTube with Paris Hilton.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | August 6, 2008 4:09 PM | Report abuse

Thank you, National Enquirer, for taking away one of the ways politicians have to humanize themselves: holding a baby.

Now all they have left is to trade videos with Paris Hilton.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | August 6, 2008 4:13 PM | Report abuse

Thank you, National Enquirer, for taking away one of the ways politicians have to humanize themselves: holding a baby.

Now all they have left is to trade videos with Paris Hilton.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky | August 6, 2008 4:15 PM | Report abuse

This is truly horrifying. I cannot tell when I've posted and when I haven't. Wow. Perhaps we shouldn't have rushed in before the WaPo crack IT staff finished the upgrade.

Posted by: MoCoSnarky, in triplicate! | August 6, 2008 4:16 PM | Report abuse

This is so exciting--MoCoSnarky is posting both in triplicate and from the future! Please, impart your wisdom of life 30 minutes from now--should I go get coffee? Will the Red Line be delayed (again) this afternoon? I must know!

Posted by: Wikijen | August 6, 2008 4:59 PM | Report abuse

test

Posted by: Anonymous | August 6, 2008 11:03 PM | Report abuse

When I click on the link for today's Daily Mix, all I get is a blank screen. Is there something wrong with the Post's new blog software?

Posted by: Anonymous | August 6, 2008 11:05 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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