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Posted at 11:15 AM ET, 09/23/2008

What Would Gwyneth Do?

By Liz Kelly

Mmmm... tastes like Gwyneth! (AP)

Like a ministering angel, that paragon of tastemaking -- Gwyneth Paltrow -- has at last answered our prayers with her latest venture, a Web site named GOOP (which, along with "Apple" and "Moses" makes her 0 for three in the naming department).

The site -- which bears a scarily similar feel in look and tone to Daily Candy -- promises to share Paltrow's unerring taste with anyone with a Web browser and a desire to emulate the insouciant one's charmed life.

While there is a short mission statement currently posted at the site, Celebritology managed to get a copy of the draft version*. We share it in its entirety below:

My life is good because I am not passive about it. [I took full advantage of being born to famous parents.] I want to nourish what is real [my Britishness], and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel [first class, de rigueur], to cook [when it suits me. And not have to do the dishes. Ha!], to eat, to take care of my body [I still don't get why everyone doesn't hire a trainer] and mind [I'm all about my Trivial Pursuits fact-a-day calendar], to work hard [at being as insouciant as possible]. I love being a mother who has overcome my bad qualities [foot in mouth disease] to be a good mother. I love being in spaces that are clean** and feel nice [like my London home when Chris is on tour].
Over the years I have tried different things [like Brad Pitt and comedy]. I have made lots of mistakes [the whole "Apple" thing -- too late now]. But I have figured some things out [DVD remote] in the process and would like to share them with [lucky lucky] you. Whether you want a good place to eat in London [who doesn't?], some advice on where to stay in Austin [I'm so hip!], the recipe I made up this week [I eat!], or some thoughts from one of my sages [Madonna!], GOOP is a little bit of everything that makes up my life.
Make your own life good [poor things]. Invest in what's real [like, say, a Tod's leather satchel]. Cook a meal for someone you love [yes, oneself counts]. Pause before reacting [boy have I learned this one]. Clean out your space [I can't stress this whole clean thing enough]. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you've never been to [and stay there!]. Learn something new. Don't be lazy. Work out and stick with it [and you, too, may find yourself in Jay-Z's inner circle]. GOOP [I have no idea what this means. It's like "Smurf."]. Make it great.
---

* You know we like totally made up the bracketed bits, right?

** Gwynnie's obsession with "clean" is well documented. In 2004, she explained her naming of daughter Apple thusly to Oprah Winfrey: "...apples are so sweet and they're wholesome and it's biblical - and I just thought it sounded so lovely and ... clean!"

By Liz Kelly  | September 23, 2008; 11:15 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Celebrity Products, How Webby is..., Insouciance  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Morning Mix: New Spears Single Delayed
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Comments

If her website was named GORP, I would have just the recipe to contribute.....

Posted by: Girl Scout who still loves good old raisins and peanuts | September 23, 2008 11:25 AM | Report abuse

Liz - Thank you for making me spit out my coffee from laughing so hard. This is one of the funniest things you have ever written. It will definitely be copied and pasted into my "save" folder.

Posted by: Annapolis Gazer | September 23, 2008 11:33 AM | Report abuse

reminds me of troom (or am i the only one that remembers the Tampax chatroom for teen girls)

Posted by: Quintilus Varus | September 23, 2008 11:34 AM | Report abuse

"some advice on where to stay in Austin"

You know, I can also give advice on where to stay in Austin. I feel slightly unnerved by the thought of having something in common with the Insouciant One.

Posted by: Dorkus | September 23, 2008 11:41 AM | Report abuse

Reading this makes me wonder why we need any of the trove of humankind's wisdom and knowledge collected thus far.

Gwennie, you're the new milleniim's . . . j'ne sais quois.

Posted by: Curmudgeon | September 23, 2008 11:46 AM | Report abuse

Liz,
Your brackets are very funny, but you really did not need them. Just her comments on her own made her sound like an ego maniac/crazy person.

Posted by: DW | September 23, 2008 11:46 AM | Report abuse

"GOOP. Make it great, because right now, it's just another synonym for celinedion."

Posted by: that's the only non-filthy motto with 'GOOP' in it that byoolin could think of. | September 23, 2008 11:52 AM | Report abuse

Oh, Goop (tm), I recognise this! I had this handy product on my workbench.

"Goop (tm) Hand Cleaner is America's premium waterless hand cleaner. Of course Goop is fantastic for cleaning dirty, grimy hands...but you can also tackle a lot of other tough cleaning jobs with it, too. Once you try Goop, you'll wonder how you ever got along without it before."


http://www.goophandcleaner.com/original_v2.htm

Posted by: Elias Howe | September 23, 2008 11:54 AM | Report abuse

Gosh, she really thinks we care about her insouciant life. That is so sad.

Posted by: methinks | September 23, 2008 11:55 AM | Report abuse

"which, along with "Apple" and "Moses" makes her 0 for three in the naming department."
**********
And keeps her WAAAY below the Mendoza Line.

Posted by: methinks | September 23, 2008 11:58 AM | Report abuse

thegoop.com is the perfect foil for goop.com - all messy and childish. Ha-hah! THEGOOP.com is referenced in the copyright info so I thought it was a sister site - obviously not.

Posted by: rachelt | September 23, 2008 12:17 PM | Report abuse

Oh, Goop (tm), I recognise this! I had this handy product on my workbench.

"Goop (tm) Hand Cleaner is America's premium waterless hand cleaner. Of course Goop is fantastic for cleaning dirty, grimy hands...but you can also tackle a lot of other tough cleaning jobs with it, too. Once you try Goop, you'll wonder how you ever got along without it before."


http://www.goophandcleaner.com/original_v2.htm


Posted by: Elias Howe | September 23, 2008 11:54 AM

Goop is code for lube, that's why it's in your house, Bozo.

Posted by: Give it up! | September 23, 2008 12:23 PM | Report abuse

You are such a moron. Try looking on the shelves for Goop at WallyWorld. I am sure that you work there!

Posted by: to give it up | September 23, 2008 12:27 PM | Report abuse

some onomatopeaia-esque site names GP could have chosen that would make more sense:
gag.com
ugh.com
click.com - as in 'the sound of me clicking to another website after visiting goop'

Posted by: rachelt | September 23, 2008 12:27 PM | Report abuse

Now run along to OP and post your "incite-ful" comments there!

Posted by: to give it up (con't) | September 23, 2008 12:30 PM | Report abuse

uh, my 10 and 11 year old children could create a website better than that. why release info about a website where every link is the same? wait until it's complete.

oh crap, if it is complete then it's way worse than I thought. :(

Posted by: flutterbyjen | September 23, 2008 12:31 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus the difference between you and Gwyneth is that you would recommend places people would actually want to stay.

Posted by: ep | September 23, 2008 12:32 PM | Report abuse

This all sounds like a big, nasty, steaming pile of DaneCook to me!!!!!

Posted by: Brutal asks "Who Cares?" | September 23, 2008 12:38 PM | Report abuse

Why, if she is so obsessed with cleanliness, would she ever name her site "Goop"?

Thanks to the quote to Oprah, I now totally understand the Apple thing. Until I was sure it had something to do with her rosy cheeks or the shape of her head. Silly me.

Posted by: hodie is not afraid to ask the obvious question | September 23, 2008 12:42 PM | Report abuse

Oh Liz! You almost made me toss my cookies after lunch with this post. Your friend Vera at INO is also asking for comments on Gwyneth's drivel. GOOP=
Gwyneth ("Obnoxious Observations") Paltrow.

Posted by: Karyn | September 23, 2008 12:52 PM | Report abuse

Great Obnoxious Outlet for Pretentiousness

Gift for Overestimating Others' Preoccupation with oneself

Posted by: b | September 23, 2008 1:11 PM | Report abuse

Gwyneth Overestimates Others Preoccupation (with her)

Posted by: b thinks she's got it | September 23, 2008 1:12 PM | Report abuse

Hmmm.

The first definition in my dictionary under "insouciant":

1. Marked by blithe unconcern

And Gwennie's mother's name is "Blythe".

A comment on mothering skills?

Posted by: schnitz | September 23, 2008 1:20 PM | Report abuse

Goops, AKA Spoog, is a packaged Dungeness crab bait here around Puget Sound. It is made of rotten fish guts and really STINKS. Speaking of stinking, I tired to watch "Proof" starring the goop-girl the other night...

Posted by: Anonymous | September 23, 2008 1:22 PM | Report abuse

Liz, the GOOP draft is hilarious! It makes the annoying news of the site's existence, a bit more bearable.

Posted by: bravegal | September 23, 2008 2:03 PM | Report abuse

You forgot her singing in "Duets" (and just typing that is going to make my local radio station play her/Huey Lewis' version of "Groovin'" any second now. It always happens whenever I read GP's name here).

"GOOP: nourish the inner aspect." -- What does that even mean? I'm only on the homepage and already I'm confused.

Plus the simple icons (I think it's the butterfly in particular) are making me think this is one of those for-ladies-only places I'm better off not visiting.

And believe me, I'm not even considering signing up for the newsletter. As if.

Posted by: td also thought *shakespeare in love* was incredibly overrated | September 23, 2008 2:10 PM | Report abuse

Goops, AKA Spoog, is a packaged Dungeness crab bait here around Puget Sound. It is made of rotten fish guts and really STINKS. Speaking of stinking, I tired to watch "Proof" starring the goop-girl the other night...

Posted by: Anonymous | September 23, 2008 1:22 PM

True, "Proof" sucks. But the hunks in "Emma" make up for it big time. Ewan's wig is a hoot AND he can sing!

Posted by: Anonymous | September 23, 2008 2:13 PM | Report abuse

Putting on my software tester's hat, I see that GOOP is designed by a STOOP. Clicking on any of the icons leads the user to a page from which they cannot return, even via the Back button on the web browser.

GOOP is an acronym for Goofy Outrageous Obnoxious Paltro-isms.

Will someone please tell this woman to STFU and just stand there in her mini dresses and F-me pumps?

Posted by: Sasquatch | September 23, 2008 2:45 PM | Report abuse

GOOP is and acronym for

"Gwynnie's Opinions: Obnoxious Piffle."

Having read Gwynnie's post, one can not question Chris Martin's decision to build a soundproof panic room in their house.

Posted by: Nick | September 23, 2008 2:56 PM | Report abuse

Is it just me, or is there nothing on that website but her "mission statement"? I click on make, I get the MS. I click on explore, I get the MS. I click on the playground slide, I get the MS...

Am I missing something?

Posted by: Osteph | September 23, 2008 3:02 PM | Report abuse

Did the same thing for me Osteph. Website designed by Apple? (not Mac). Kept going back to her "Grossly Outrageous Opinionated Platitudes" mission statement. My, is one full of oneself or what???

Posted by: hodie gagged on smell of Goop | September 23, 2008 3:33 PM | Report abuse

sounds like you, the writer, is plain jealous (I've read your other articles about Gwyneth). Everyone else blogs and have their own website--why can't Gwyneth?

Posted by: tyon | September 23, 2008 3:36 PM | Report abuse

I just puked.

Posted by: bigmon36 | September 23, 2008 3:57 PM | Report abuse

Gwen's Paella:
-3 pounds very, very crusty, raspy brown rice with hulls
-10 cups chicory broth
-6 cabbage leaves
-1 bottle syrup of ipecac

Have Cook dump this in pot and cook for 5 hours. Enjoy!

Posted by: possum | September 23, 2008 4:00 PM | Report abuse

Why does Gwyneth WANT to put up a website? What is she marketing? Doesn't she read her own press? Doesn't she realize this makes her the object of more jokes?

What is she accomplishing? (in her mind, not in ours).

Posted by: Amelia | September 23, 2008 4:16 PM | Report abuse

GAG!!!!

Posted by: peepmonger | September 23, 2008 4:21 PM | Report abuse

Ack! I just read on the NY Times website that Apple's mom is in a cooking/travel show with Mario Batali and Mark Bittman as they travel around Spain. Maybe she is taking Mario shoe shopping for something other than orange Crocs. Since she speaks Spanish fluently perhaps she is thinking about testing the waters in Spain.

Posted by: 20010 | September 23, 2008 4:31 PM | Report abuse

Be nice to Gwynnie, poor dear's turning 36 on Saturday.

Posted by: Anonymous | September 23, 2008 4:34 PM | Report abuse

Gwynnie's had an IQ of 36 for some time.

Posted by: Sasquatch | September 23, 2008 5:03 PM | Report abuse

Does Gwyneth realize that people are laughing AT her, not WITH her?

Posted by: Nosy Parker | September 23, 2008 5:58 PM | Report abuse

reminds me of troom (or am i the only one that remembers the Tampax chatroom for teen girls)

Posted by: Quintilus Varus | September 23, 2008 11:34 AM

I thought Gene Weingarten's chat was the Tampax chatroom?

Posted by: Snarky Squirrel | September 23, 2008 6:24 PM | Report abuse

Nuh. Uh.

Clay. Gay. (You don't say.)

http://perezhilton.com/2008-09-23-finally-6

Posted by: byoolin hopes this means we can stop using "geigh" in sentences. | September 23, 2008 6:31 PM | Report abuse

Clay Aiken is GAY?! Get out! Who knew? I mean, I am just flabbergasted.

Posted by: td responds to byoolin | September 23, 2008 6:44 PM | Report abuse

Good for him. Truth is soul-cleansing.

Posted by: b | September 23, 2008 7:42 PM | Report abuse

Who CARES what this woman thinks? She was born privileged and has had advantages most people never will.
Can I get a bucket and a cleaning lady, please?

Posted by: Ugh . . . | September 23, 2008 9:48 PM | Report abuse

This is a hot topic now at the hot interracial dating club [___"interracialchatting.com"___] which is a good place for 18+ singles from each race to meet cute girls with big boobs online. This is the only site where sexy black and white girls like discussing interracial relationship.

Posted by: shoushang | September 23, 2008 11:05 PM | Report abuse

LIZ, PLEASE REMOVE SPAM AT 11:05 PM.

Posted by: Anonymous | September 23, 2008 11:26 PM | Report abuse

was it supposed to be funny? will you like it better if she wrote nasty things instead.
she's right: invest in what's real. don't waste your time writing stupid retarded comments about someone you have no idea about.
I for one will visit her site everyday.

Posted by: tina | September 24, 2008 12:45 PM | Report abuse

I'm pretty sure GOOP is that hand washing stuff (lol).

Posted by: Rose | September 24, 2008 1:24 PM | Report abuse

i had an idea for a parody site called GLOP, but the domain is already taken

Posted by: buzzzed | September 25, 2008 2:40 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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