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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 10/31/2008

Hollywood Horrors: Ghoulish Gossip-Inspired Tales

By Liz Kelly

Firestarter: Be careful when you summon the fire department to your next domestic emergency. Lingerie Firefighter from Hell may just answer your call. (AP)

In observance of Halloween and all things spookified, today we consider these tales of depravity, which will leave your blood chilled and your brains addled. Proceed at your own risk. Mwah ha ha ha ha.

Lady in the Water
As much as we want to believe that celebrities are just like us, sometimes they are barking mad megalomaniacs who will stop at nothing and spare no cost to fulfill their ghastly desires.

And what could be more frightening than filling a swimming pool with Kabbalah water? Don't ask Madonna, who apparently had plans to do just that before her split from Guy Ritchie earlier this month.

The two were apparently in the midst of constructing the indoor pool at their English country home when they split. Thus far, Ritchie has retained custody of the home and has ordered that the pool be filled with regular chlorinated water -- but will that be enough to eradicate the GHOST OF MADGE?!?

Nightmare on Your Street?
Parents, you may think your teenaged sons are safely installed in their rooms typing lewd messages on Facebook, but they may actually be in grave danger of falling prey to this woman. With an insatiable appetite for fake-baking and men several decades her junior, this Cougar of Doom may be found loitering around skate ramps and malls -- hoping to recruit more victims for her bleach-blonde army of suitors. The horror. The horror.

Katie's Baby
If you wander the streets of Manhattan at dusk, you may just catch a glimpse of a spectral wraith slinking out of Barney's or into limos carrying a nattily-dressed toddler. Who is this ghostly woman and what does she want with the child? Is she perhaps a restless spirit, unable to let go of her earthly husk until she's accomplished one last task? Or is she perhaps a zombie, mindlessly wandering the Village in search of her once promising acting career?

No, it's Scientology project Katie Holmes and daughter Suri. Augh!!!!

Share your spooked-up celebrity news below...

By Liz Kelly  | October 31, 2008; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Miscellaneous  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Morning Mix: Madonna and A-Rod -- Together Again?
Next: Morning Mix: Celebs Do Halloween; Friends Worried About Phoenix

Comments

What in the name of the Wicked Witch of the West is Kabbalah Water? Does it keep Jewish vampires at bay?

Posted by: epjd | October 31, 2008 12:59 PM | Report abuse

Oh no, the IT nazis have struck again. I can't see who is preying on my boys, who I am sure could get me around the IT police if they were here. Who is it? Who is it?

Mariah, I can only agree with the adage "if you got it, flaunt it" up to a point. Your costume makes you appear to be a desparate bimbo. You can do sexy in much classier ways.

What Madonna doesn't know, like Dasani and Aquafina, Kaballah Water is just tap from the Bronx.

Posted by: hodie | October 31, 2008 1:03 PM | Report abuse

That second photo of Katie Holmes kinda looks like Ralph Macchio. Who was in "The Outsiders" with Tom Cruise. I've got a scary feeling about this....

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | October 31, 2008 1:04 PM | Report abuse

Guy's going to have to do more than refill a pool to get rid of Madonna's ghost. I imagine there's a whole lotta sticky and sweet to be cleaned up.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | October 31, 2008 1:08 PM | Report abuse

hodie, just mouse over the hyperlinked "this woman" to read at the very bottom of your screen who she is.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | October 31, 2008 1:16 PM | Report abuse

I keep seeing pictures of Suri and Katie in NYC, and the child is always bare-legged and coatless. It's been around 40 degrees in NY! Let's start a Suri Fund and buy this poor child some leggings and a coat. Or some new parents who have a little sense.

Posted by: chantooz | October 31, 2008 1:16 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, that's the problem. Certain hyperlinks get blocked by my company. Can't see it. Oh well, someone tell me who it was!

Posted by: hodie | October 31, 2008 1:23 PM | Report abuse

nevermind Nosy, I didn't get you at first. Halloween bats in the belfry, I guess. I see now it was Linda Hogan. Now I'm glad the link is blocked. Funny all the links to her have been blocked.

Posted by: hodie | October 31, 2008 1:25 PM | Report abuse

Hodie, I figured out who it was just from the description -- blond, hanging out at skatebaord parks. You are a Lizard, you can figure it out.

Hint -- her son who is about the same age as her new boyfriend just got out of jail.

Posted by: epjd | October 31, 2008 1:26 PM | Report abuse

Excellent observation about the Ritchie pool, td. The story reminds me of the story about the expense and arguments surrounding the construction of the pool at Ernest Hemingway's Key West house. Perhaps Guy will cover the pool with a Gamaliel Qlippoth tarp (see Kabbalah FAQa for background).

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | October 31, 2008 1:56 PM | Report abuse

Not only does the Kabbalah Water homepage misspell its own adjective ("Kabbalisitcally"), the ad at the top of the page reassures us that the "Kabbalah Centre Charitable Foundation is working to bring clean drinking water to the victims of the recent tsunamis," i.e., the December 2004 disaster in Sumatra.

It's got some neat stuff about what water used to be like: "[T]he primordial waters of the earth water were free of any and all destructive or negative energies. There could be no drowning. There could be no floods or tidal waves. Water could only heal, nurture, and help."

They make it sound even better than beer, don't they?

Posted by: byoolin1 | October 31, 2008 1:57 PM | Report abuse

Hahhahah - "better than beer"!


- byoolin's been drinking the water, apparently.

Posted by: byoolin1 | October 31, 2008 2:00 PM | Report abuse

Definitely better than Miller Lite, Byool'. But that's not saying much.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | October 31, 2008 2:13 PM | Report abuse

Chantooz, there's a very good reason why Suri Cruise doesn't wear a coat. The deuterium rods that fuel her mind-control matrix throw off enormous amounts of heat. Were she to wear a jacket or wrap of any sort, little Suri would be at risk of catastrophic malfunction. (She'd be fine, but with the matrix down, both Katie and Suri would come to their senses long enough to make a break for it.)

Posted by: Bawlmer | October 31, 2008 2:15 PM | Report abuse

If Mariah Carey is supposed to be a fire fighter, where's her hose?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | October 31, 2008 2:19 PM | Report abuse

Given recent revelations, the only things Madonna seems to have time for are working out and practicing Kabbalah, so maybe the holy water-filled pool was a failed attempt to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, so she could have more time to pencil in some fun with Guy on her schedule. Alas, I think the ghost of Madge will be with him for quite a while, given the fact that they share some kids.

Can't the Scientologists give lonely wraith Katie some friends? Jenna Elfman, Lisa Marie Presley or something?

Posted by: 44west | October 31, 2008 2:25 PM | Report abuse

Byoolin, just as long as you don't drink the Kool-Aid...

Sasquatch, you are one dirty cryptid.

Pookie complimented my question today. I feel so, so, validated!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | October 31, 2008 2:28 PM | Report abuse

In the first photo, Suri is covering her ears...

"Make the thetans stop, Mommy!"

Posted by: dablues | October 31, 2008 2:31 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, to which of my posts are you referring, the Kabalah Cover or the fire fighter? Both?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | October 31, 2008 2:36 PM | Report abuse

Can't the Scientologists give lonely wraith Katie some friends? Jenna Elfman, Lisa Marie Presley or something?

Posted by: 44west | October 31, 2008 2:25 PM

*******************************************

Yeah, but who would want to play with Lisa Marie?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | October 31, 2008 2:40 PM | Report abuse

Yes.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | October 31, 2008 2:41 PM | Report abuse

Is the Kabbalah water for the ritual bath Jewish ladies are supposed to take once a month? If so, both Madge and Linda Hogan are WAY past needing it.

Posted by: possum_pouch | October 31, 2008 2:47 PM | Report abuse

Yeah, but who would want to play with Lisa Marie?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | October 31, 2008 2:40 PM

---------------------------------------------
Michael Jackson

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | October 31, 2008 2:48 PM | Report abuse

Hey, Sas (and interested others): Don't miss the Capitol Steps' Hallowe'en special on public radio today. Am listening right now, and of course enjoying the show immensely. They're pretty much equally-opportunity skewers, so everyone can find something to enjoy.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | October 31, 2008 2:48 PM | Report abuse


Is the Kabbalah water for the ritual bath Jewish ladies are supposed to take once a month? If so, both Madge and Linda Hogan are WAY past needing it.

Posted by: possum_pouch | October 31, 2008 2:47 PM

----------------------------------------------
A Great Moment in Snark, Possum!!!

Nosy, looks like the DC-area NPR stations are not carrying the Capitol Steps election special.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | October 31, 2008 2:53 PM | Report abuse

Sas (and others), see if you can get radio station info for today's Capitol Steps's show at:
http://www.capsteps.com/radio/#stations

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | October 31, 2008 3:05 PM | Report abuse

P.S. If there's no broadcast of the Capitol Steps near you, maybe you could listen online to a station elsewhere in the country?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | October 31, 2008 3:11 PM | Report abuse

ep, haven't seen you here today. I hope that means you are celebrating. Checked yesterday's post and saw you asked where my nephew took his bar exam, answer: Ohio. Heard today he passed.

Posted by: hodie | October 31, 2008 3:36 PM | Report abuse

Jeez Mariah, put on some clothes.

Also, what on earth is going on between Danny and Michael in the photo gallery.

Posted by: petalceleb | October 31, 2008 3:36 PM | Report abuse

Hodie, I have been here. One more week to go. I may not make it.

Posted by: epjd | October 31, 2008 4:14 PM | Report abuse

Hodie, I have been here. One more week to go. I may not make it.

Posted by: epjd | October 31, 2008 4:15 PM | Report abuse

Pookie's validation can go a long way toward making a happy day.

Posted by: lolyla | November 1, 2008 3:41 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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