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Posted at 11:42 AM ET, 11/ 6/2008

Clip N' Save: 10 Steps to Take Amy Winehouse from Train Wreck to Comeback Kid

By Liz Kelly

Amy Winehouse lunges at photographers outside her London home on Wednesday. (AP)

Clip n' Save

True to form our 2008 Train Wreck of the Year, Amy Winehouse, is on course to end the year with a bang. And then possibly a whimper. Husband Blake Fielder-Civil, for whom Amy has pined o'er these long months of separation, was at last released from jail yesterday. (He was locked up for attacking a pub landlord, then attempting to buy his victim's silence) But, Winehouse was not there to greet him and Fielder-Civil was reportedly rushed off to rehab to fulfill the terms of his release. Instead, Winehouse used this opportunity to line the pockets of some lucky paps who scored excellent shots of an enraged Winehouse, who didn't seem incredibly happy about her husband's new situation.

But, we here at Celebritology HQ expect much of our Train Wrecks. Last year's winner emerged as this year's Biggest Comeback. Could it have had something to do with our advice? Probably not. But, just in case, we want to offer Amy the same boost for pulling herself out of her tangled, eye-liner smeared hole.

So, without further throat clearing, here are 10 steps for Amy Winehouse to take her from Train Wreck to Comeback Kid in 12 Short Months:

1

This one's kind of obvious: Rehab? Yes, yes, yes.

2

Enough already with the street brawling. We get it. You're a tough little bird. Now it's time to behave.

3

About Blake. Seems to us he's been nothing but trouble for you -- let him get through his own treatment program and you through yours, then maybe we can work something out. Trust me, I watch "Intervention" religiously.

4

You actually have real talent. Something about that fact just makes it that much sadder to see you lower yourself to whackdoodle-of-the-month club.

5

Not to get too granular here, but the pink ballet slippers have got to go. Seriously. They were cute once. Maybe 18 months ago when they were new and unspoilt. Now they look like chum. Please dispose of them ASAP.

6

No more home movies. If I see one more clip of you manhandling baby mice, smoking crack (allegedly) or using racial slurs, I'm going to take that video camera and lock it up.

7

Speaking of animals. Until you've proven that you can keep yourself -- and all animals in your care -- safe and off drugs, it's probably a good idea to confine yourself to a stuffed animal or one of those cute Tamagotchi thingamajigs.

8

Put on some weight. It will make those impromptu seaside visits so much more photogenic.

9

It's time for a new look. When you're enough of a caricature to rival Sarah Palin for this year's most popular Halloween costume (but wait, there's more! And more!), it is time to enlist a stylist. Lose the signature bouffant (it's trite at this point) and the layer of grime. Perhaps a little deep pore cleansing from the spa fairy will help you emerge from that battered chrysalis a vibrant, new Amy (remember her?).

10

Use animosity (mine) for Gwyneth Paltrow to fuel your recovery. You only need look at today's brainless GOOP update to get you over that first bump and on the road to giving this wannabe Londoner a proper kick in the knickers.

---

By Liz Kelly  | November 6, 2008; 11:42 AM ET
Categories:  Amy Winehouse, Clip N' Saves  
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Comments

Keep your clothes on. No matter what noises you hear in the night, always dress fully before venturing outside. Keep a change of clothes near the bed for just this purpose.

Posted by: epjd | November 6, 2008 11:51 AM | Report abuse

I wouldn't call bottomless Steve Guttenberg "depressing" so much as "horrifying". Unless I missed some teeny tiny, uh, "details" in that video...

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 6, 2008 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Oh, those pictures of old sober Amy are so sad now.
And Liz, excellent advice on losing the bouffant. Perhaps Miss Winehouse should take a page from the Britney Spears playbook and go for a shaved head...or at least a buzzcut. I shudder to think what's been stuck in that beehive over the last year.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 6, 2008 11:59 AM | Report abuse

1) Stop wrapping diapers around your head. 2) Use waterproof mascara.

Posted by: kvs09 | November 6, 2008 12:02 PM | Report abuse

Gossip Girls online had photos of Amy Winehouse sans eyeliner. Don't know how old the shots are but, underneath all that gunk, she actually has beautiful eyes when they're unadorned(?). The BauerGriffinOnline pictures to which Liz linked in the Morning Mix are simply tragic. Please, can't someone admit poor Amy for treatment before it's too late? At least in the US, being a threat to one's own life is sufficient cause for involuntary committal for mental illness in most (if not all) states, and clearly this young woman is beyond disturbed. Even if her parents and husband are in denial, co-dependent, heartless or whatevs, doesn't Amy's management team have a vested interest in keeping her alive, if only so she she can work and earn them more money?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2008 12:03 PM | Report abuse

Am I the only one who thinks Blake is trying desperately to stay as far away from Amy as possible???

Posted by: Osteph | November 6, 2008 12:07 PM | Report abuse

see my theory on the Law of Lohan in the mornings post...

You are right Bawlmer it is really sad to see how fresh, clean, young and simply pretty (hell how about just plain human) she looked. The side by side is tragic.

Posted by: LTL1 | November 6, 2008 12:15 PM | Report abuse

11. Amy's dad should take over his daughters finances it worked for Brit.

12. Mel Gibson should make a special trip to London and then another trip to Costa Rica again.

Osteph,
Agreed, he stuck it out in jail and headed straight to rehab. That says something.

Posted by: petalceleb | November 6, 2008 12:21 PM | Report abuse

Actually,

I think we ought to let Amy keep the ballet flats (but put them through a dry cleaning machine a zillion times then apply a clean coating of makeup to them).

I think we ought to let Amy dress funky and keep the ratnest hair-do - it's who she is (she just needs a zillion shampoos and clean underware).

I think her management needs to be clued-in that if Amy croaks, their golden goose stops with the eggs.

In addition to mice, crack, and other types of over-the-top stimulants, I think she ought to stay away from Gwyneth, too (insouciance is a one-at-a-time idiosyncracy that could be contageous and dangerous to your health).

I think that Amy needs to go out for Chicken McNuggets once in a while (that should to sober her up).

I think she ought to spend a few days on Lizard Island for R and R (sometime when we're not using it).

VTY

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | November 6, 2008 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Is the man behind her in the photo carrying a diaper bag?

Posted by: jezebel3 | November 6, 2008 12:47 PM | Report abuse

Not sure having Dad in charge is the best thing. After all, he seems to be around a lot and look how she still is.

She does need to stay away from Blake. They seem to be a lethal combination.

Posted by: dablues | November 6, 2008 12:53 PM | Report abuse

Amy needs some new friends, or at least a sober buddy. Or a whole team of them.

Then, enter into an ambiguous friendship with a stable DJ. Never leave his/her side. Allow media speculation to distract from talk of your legendary instability.

Posted by: 44west | November 6, 2008 1:00 PM | Report abuse

Part of the new look should include re-thinking the eye liner. I know it's kind of your signature, but you need a new thing.
Also, shop for better looking bras. If you're going to wear them as outer-wear, they might as well be pretty.

Posted by: spartan123 | November 6, 2008 1:04 PM | Report abuse

You are pretty close to rock bottom when people start dressing their dogs like you. My favorite halloween pic.

I'm ok with the funky dress and hairstyle too, but there is funky and then there is hold the nose, eeeew "funky". Definitely needs a needs a shower, burn the clothes and start over.

Also involuntary commitment to mental health facilities or psych wards only good for 72hrs here. Don't know the rules in the UK. Hardly enough time to help her. She might benefit from ECT (seriously).

Posted by: hodie | November 6, 2008 1:07 PM | Report abuse

She might benefit from ECT (seriously).

Posted by: hodie | November 6, 2008 1:07 PM

******************************************

But then she'll never become Vice-President.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | November 6, 2008 1:13 PM | Report abuse

hodie
You are pretty close to rock bottom when people start dressing their dogs like you.

Just as long as you don't put eyeliner on the poor crreature. Or lipstick.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2008 1:15 PM | Report abuse

creature.

I meant the dog.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2008 1:16 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, if you put lipstick on your pitbull, then you have a hockey mom.

Posted by: hodie | November 6, 2008 1:28 PM | Report abuse

Or an embarrassed pitbull.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2008 1:46 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, if you put lipstick on your pitbull, then you have a hockey mom.

Posted by: hodie | November 6, 2008 1:28 PM

-----------------------------------------
And if you dress your pit bull in a $150K wardrobe from Needless Markup, you have a governor.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2008 1:47 PM | Report abuse

You betcha!

Posted by: jezebel3 | November 6, 2008 1:51 PM | Report abuse

And if your pit bull keeps putting his paw in his mouth, you get Joe Biden.
Ba-zing!

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 6, 2008 1:59 PM | Report abuse

Amy Winehouse is sick, not a well person at all.

Supposedly Steve G. is "normal." Is his behavior (real or set-up) normal? If it is real, he has serious issues. If it is fake, which I assume, it is unbelievably sad.

Posted by: Stormy1 | November 6, 2008 2:30 PM | Report abuse

what's wrong with Gwyneth suggesting some museum collections that are worth seeing... though i dont care for the Tate quite as much as she obviously does and i was always a British Museum person (pick a section, wander for 4 hours) on my days off in London.

Hell - I can imagine Winehouse at the Tate's Rothko exhibit without any trouble at all

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | November 6, 2008 3:16 PM | Report abuse

Nope, Bawlmer. Biden can't be a pitbull. While it's no question that Joe has foot and/in mouth disease, that disease occurs only among hooved animals. So you'll have to decide whether Biden is a cow, goat, pig, ox or some other ruminant. From Wikipedia:

Foot-and-mouth disease (FMD) or hoof-and-mouth disease (Aphtae epizooticae) is a highly contagious and sometimes fatal viral disease of cloven-hoofed animals, including domestic animals such as cattle, water buffalo, sheep, goats and pigs, as well as antelope, bison and other wild bovids, and deer.


If Joe Biden and Chuck Schumer were talking in the same room, would all the oxygen be sucked out?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2008 3:18 PM | Report abuse

Nope, Bawlmer. Biden can't be a pitbull. While it's no question that Joe has foot and/in mouth disease, that disease occurs only among hooved animals. So you'll have to decide whether Biden is a cow, goat, pig, ox or some other ruminant. From Wikipedia:

Foot-and-mouth disease (FMD) or hoof-and-mouth disease (Aphtae epizooticae) is a highly contagious and sometimes fatal viral disease of cloven-hoofed animals, including domestic animals such as cattle, water buffalo, sheep, goats and pigs, as well as antelope, bison and other wild bovids, and deer.


If Joe Biden and Chuck Schumer were talking in the same room, would all the oxygen be sucked out?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2008 3:18 PM

God, what a pretentious bore! Where do these goobers come from?

Posted by: jezebel3 | November 6, 2008 3:24 PM | Report abuse

Sas, perhaps Biden has Hand, foot and(in)Mouth disease, which is a human disease, which begs the question. Is Biden human?
-Hodie, MD

Posted by: hodie | November 6, 2008 3:41 PM | Report abuse


Jezebel3 asks:
"Where do these goobers come from?"

Answer: The Seventh Planet.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2008 3:44 PM | Report abuse

In defense of Joe Biden: A close friend told me that his wealthy cousin on Philadelphia's Main Line, who's always voted Republican for President, surprised the heck out of my friend when he revealed that he'd donated generously to and attended a fundraiser for Biden, because he'd known Biden since they attended high school together, and he respected Biden immensely. Friend's cousin added that after Biden was nominated for VP, he was planning to vote for Obama, his first vote ever for a Democrat for President. Just an anecdote, but a possibly revealing insight into Biden's character, that he could engender 50 years of personal loyalty and respect.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2008 3:50 PM | Report abuse

There's really no comparing Wino & the Gute. Yeah, they're both sad and pathetic but with the Gute at least you won't feel bad laughing at him.

By the way, after that video shouldn't we be calling him the Glute?

Posted by: jes11 | November 6, 2008 3:59 PM | Report abuse

Where do these goobers come from?

Posted by: jezebel3 | November 6, 2008 3:24 PM

Georgia?

Posted by: jes11 | November 6, 2008 4:00 PM | Report abuse

Nicely put, sas. Let's just call the new VP a "ruminant" and leave it at that.
(I actually really like Joe Biden- almost every account I've heard of him has been positive, and he's built a reliable career in his time in office. But it can't be denied that the good senator has a real talent for embarrassing sound bites.)

jezebel3, there is only one answer to your question: All Celebritology goobers come from the depths of Amy Winehouse's nose. The pretentious bores, on the other hand, spring fully formed from the archives of Gwyneth Paltrow's blog.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 6, 2008 4:11 PM | Report abuse

Bawlmer, you may be thinking of boogers (not to be confused with former Oriole John Powell).

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2008 4:18 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, you sure? I could have sworn they were synonyms...hmmm...Googling...
Ah. Yes. Well. Apparently I've caught a bit of the foot-in-mouth myself. If you need me, I'll be skulking in the corner with Stephen Baldwin.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 6, 2008 4:27 PM | Report abuse

How proud my parents would be that their little angel knows the difference between a booger and a goober.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2008 4:29 PM | Report abuse

What IS that clenched between Amy's teeth on the left side of her mouth?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2008 4:40 PM | Report abuse

/is making helpless snorfling noises

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 6, 2008 4:41 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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